A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi All,I've been with my boyfriend for about 9months now. In this time i have caught him chatting up girls via email (randoms and old friends). We got through this and all was fine and i thought he had changed but recently he left his email account open and being curious i had a look - and there it was still was, evidence to show he is now doing the same again. I know for a fact he doesnt meet them but he does talk dirty and sends them dirty pictures to them and says he misses them and wants to meet up. The girls know he is in a relationship and some actually remind him of it but he shrugs it off by saying either he isnt getting any sex or its a long story. I really dont understand whats going on as he is so affectionate, tells me he loves me all the time and when we spend time together he is just so loving and normal.I would say everything is quite healthy and seems normal but is he unhappy with me? Or am i just not doing it for him in the bedroom or something?I dont know what to say to him if i were to bring it up? He will think im being over protective and i shouldnt be snooping and he may probably deny it. He talks about marriage and kids with me - am i just being a fool? Everything points to just get rid of him but i love him to bits, ive let it slide once and forgave him. But for it to still be happening im worried i will let it slide again coz i know i shouldnt be! I'm stuck! Please help. xx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, TeaLady  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 He may be doing more than emailing them. Are you okay with him being sneaky or sexual with anyone other than you? Of course you are not. Ask him to stop all of that crap and when he does not, leave him. P.S. He may lie and tell you he will quit, but let's be real here. You might want to pack bags now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): People have different levels of trustworthiness and you have this good opportunity to see what is really inside him. This is so much better as you can decide not to stay with him. Better that than being with a person who is capable to telling lies behind your back. A good man would not do that - they would be telling their friends how lucky they are and not putting your relationship at risk for anything. I knew a guy who was nice to his wife but when he went on business trips he would pay for sex. He had a fatal flaw. It is sad but so long as we get the choice and know, that is fine because we can refuse to have relationships with that type. You are ay an age when your choices must be serious. You need to not waste time because you will get more hurt and find it hrader to find a good person because you won't be able to trust anyone. Tell him you know, there are no excuses and so you will have to pass on him. I am sorry.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (22 February 2011):
 "i have caught him chatting up girls via email (randoms and old friends)" "he does talk dirty and sends them dirty pictures to them and says he misses them and wants to meet up." "saying either he isnt getting any sex or its a long story" "he is so affectionate, tells me he loves me all the time and when we spend time together he is just so loving and normal."
CaringGuy said it the nice way "The problem is him - he's the selfish liar here".
I'll say it this way -- what a selfish little punk-ass jerk. My sister was married to a guy like this "there it was still". 11 years and a couple hundred thousand dollars later she finally divorced after "there it was still". It took a toll on her self esteem. "is he unhappy with me?" I'll bet he'll ever be happy with anyone, not even himself. I concur with CaringGuy "he won't change - you can be 100% sure of that"
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (22 February 2011):
 I'm sorry this is happening to you! It must hurt and its very difficult to see someone for who they really are.
The fact is, he is telling other women that he isn't getting any sex (implying he'd like some with them) and that 'its a long story' (meaning your relationship is complicated/falling apart).
The SHORT story is that he has a great girl, who he treats well and is affectionate with, but to whom he has no fidelity towards. He wants other women on the side. He wants to meet up with other women and have sex with them.
NO, you shouldn't let this slide. You should be deeply hurt, worried, angry and ready to walk away from a person who through his emails is indicating has no loyalty towards you and no respect for the relationship.
Now, I'm not sure why your boundaries are so very low, why this was even allowed to slide the first time, but you need to figure yourself out fast. I would recommend you see a counselor. Tolerating such behavior is not okay and indicative of something inside you which is allowing you to look the other way.
I hope you figure this out soon. You have been in a relationship with him for 9 months and this is already happening. What would it be like in 5 years? You really need to walk away from him.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 February 2011):
You need to dump him. Face facts - the guy is a liar and a cheat. He sits there telling you one thing, then blatantly goes behind your back and tells a load of women loads of different things. And how can you be sure he's not met them? After all, he managed to convince you that he wasn't emailing those women - even though he was.
This has nothing to do with you. It's not that he's unhappy with yoou, or that you're doing something wrong in the bedroom. The problem is him - he's the selfish liar here, not you. He's the one wanting to meet with other women, he's the one covering it up, he's the one who who thinks you're being over-protective (which is a sure sign of cheating in a situation like this.)
The time has come for you to decide whether you are worth more than a cheat. Because he won't change - you can be 100% sure of that.
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