A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:this past summer my boyfriend went on a month long road trip with his buddies. i stayed home to work for tuition money, so i couldnt go along. he called me everyday and we talked for a while. i never suspected anything bad was going on. but just a few days ago one of his friends (whos a buddy of mine as well) told me that he slept with three (at least) random girls while on this trip. my boyfriend never told me anything about this, i had no idea. but apparently this mutual friend was starting to feel bad for me so he decided that i should know the truth. i confronted my boyfriend about it and he denied it at first but eventually he admitted it. his excuse: he said that he had needs and that if i had been around he would have slept with me but i wasnt there so he had to get his satisfaction from others. i am very very very hurt and angry with him for lying to me and keeping it all secret.i feel like a fool. weve been together since we were 15 though and i love him. i want to forgive him but i am worried that if he ever has a chance he might do something like this again. what do i do?
View related questions:
his ex, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sister of mercy  +, writes (28 April 2008):
Leave him, he will just do it again and again, and the fact his excuse was he has 'needs' is pathetic, just leave him!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): Either you leave him, or you are telling him that you will accept his cheating both in the past and in the future. IT REALLY IS THAT SIMPLE. It doesn't matter how much you tell him that you're angry about it. It only matters what you DID.By staying with him, you have decided that you would rather be with him as a cheater than be without him. I know what you really want most is to just have him as a non-cheater. But HE has already chosen to withdraw that option. And the fact that he didn't tell you about the cheating means that he is not even open to discussing his decisions with you. HE HAS ALREADY DEMONSTRATED that he will not remain faithful, and that he will choose to cheat behind your back if you will not allow him to cheat openly.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): Leave him. You sound like a smart woman and dont let this guy treat u like a doormat. Once you forgive him, it will give him more reason to continue his cheating and lying.
My fiance cheated on me and now the other girl (known couple months) is pregnant saying the baby is his. He never told me, when i asked him he denied it and still lies to me. We were together for 5-6 yrs. and as much as it hurt me...but i had to leave him. I had to do this for me and make myself happy. I know if i stayed with him i would deal with the other woman, his baby and who knows how many other women he dealt with. that is something i couldnt deal with. And till this day, my EX contacts me asking me to come back to him. But you gotta be strong and ignore those crocidile tears. They want there cake AND eat it too.
Dont get in my situation where its too late. Get out now. You are young and beautiful and have the rest of your life to look for that prince charming that will treat you like the queen you are.
Be strong and dont let him manipulate you!
...............................
A
female
reader, jkobeska  +, writes (27 January 2008):
He isn't even saying he is sorry. So ask him this while he was gone what about your needs, how would he feel if you banged 3+ guys while he was gone? Dump this loser he is acting like he didn't do anything wrong. You shouldn't take this kind of treatment.
...............................
A
female
reader, xapathyxrebornx +, writes (16 January 2008):
 You've been with him since you were 15 and for a road trip he couldn't wait until he got home?
Hun i know it hurts but if hes done this he will probably do it again --plus in the back of your mind if he goes away again its going to be in your head and your going to constantly worry....
If it was the once i would say "forgive him and if he does it again then worry and probably move on and find someone who's loyal" but it was THREE people...
Its your life its you're choice and its up to you if you want to learn to trust him again x
message me if you want to talk =] x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): Find out whether he has done it before. If he lied to you at first, he could do so again. Is his friend after you himself? Most friends keep secrets so what were his motives?
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 January 2008):
 I'm with rcn, Landie, Salad Barbarian and the anonymous poster. Dump him. He will do it again. Considering the terrible excuse he is giving, I wouldn't be surprised to discover that he's been sleeping with other girls all the time. Perhaps this is why his buddy told you about it.
I'm here to give opinions on your post,to help you if you're confused. In principle, I should not debate other agony aunts and uncles' points ov view, but I think that this time I have to talk about hardboy's post. Just for you, poster, to benefit. Apparently hardboy thinks that a relationship of years with someone is not supposed to prevent the parties from getting laid with someone else, UNLESS the parties specifically say they won't sleep around. Following this logic, if one party said "I won't sleep around", and the other didn't, the silent party would have a "right" to cheat.
I don't think that signing a piece of paper or making an empty statement in front of a judge or a priest is what makes marriage what it is. Or a non-marriage relationship. I think that those ceremonies make sense only if the parties are willing to commit themselves that way. It's not the other way around: it's not that you have to stay faithful "because" you made a vow. You make the vow to be faithful because you want the person.
I'm making reference to this because when you're confused you tend to follow what hurts less. You, poster, might be tempted to give in to this logic. Don't. Dump the man. This way, he will be able to satisfy his needs anywhere.
By the way, is that all you are for him, a way to satisfy his needs? Is it the same to be with you than to be with someone whose name he doesn't even know?
...............................
A
male
reader, hardboy +, writes (2 January 2008):
 The essence of cheating is lying. Did he ever promise you that you would be the only one in his life? Did you ever communicate to him that you expected him to have sex only with you? If not, then what trust has he broken? You are not married, you have not exchanged vows, so from his perspective he was simply doing what nature intended, not trying to hurt you. That was something that you put on it.
If you do not communicate your wants and wishes with your partner, you WILL go through this again, I promise you. "A hard dick has no conscience."
If your next boyfriend promises you to be true and he has sex with someone else, THEN you have cause to be upset. Then you can rub his nose in his broken promise and you both will know what the score is, no hidden expectations.
This is cause #1 of strife among straight couples and open, honest communication can avert it, but it takes guts to do it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2008): women have needs as well but they dont go off shagging other blokes.
its a lame excuse.
get rid. he'll only do it again, because he can.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2008): Tell him that you have needs as well and one of those needs is commitment. He failed to satisfy this need. You also need trust and he failed to satisfy this need as well. When you couldn't satisfy him he went elsewhere, so you should leave him and find someone who can provide you with what you need.
...............................
A
female
reader, Landie  +, writes (1 January 2008):
 Dump him. Don't think twice.
If he really cared about you he would never had done that. What if he did not use protection and got a STD that he passed on to you. You still young you can get a beter guy. Dump him and get it over with.
If he could do it then he can do it again and there's a good chance he will and already has. Who says he did not cheat on you in the past.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 January 2008):
 Say goodbye to him. It's time to wrap it up and move on. Sometimes people change and mistakes can be forgiven, but his answer is piss poor. "if you were there" that's not an excuse it transfering blame. A true individual accepts responsibility for their actions, they don't blame others or the situation for their mistakes. I'd say goodbye because he's not taking real responsibility for his actions. The truth is and the only truth to what he did was, he made a choice to cheat. Situations place us in postions where we are able to make choices. Do I go home with her, do I not go home with her. Do I take the money, do I turn the walet in a protected lost and found. Do I keep the extra money, or do I tell the cashier they gave back too much change.
Every day we're put in postions of choice, and what we choose determines who we are as individuals. I'm not someone who cheats. I could be put in a room with many naked models and if I'm with someone, I wouldn't cheat. I wouldn't for two main reasons. First, I care about the feelings of the person I am with, and part of my duties as a partner is to protect those feelings and not personally do something that causes my partner pain. Second, I'm not a cheater. I don't believe in it, and just wouldn't. If I was with someone and on a business trip, I'd stay faithful, becuase cheating is not who I am, and I won't allow a situation to change my beliefs and do something that compromises them.
I think his excuse sucks. He's treating you less than you deserve to be treated. It's still important to forgive him for his actions, but not to stay with him. You forgive him so you can move on without carrying the pain of his actions with you to your next relationship. If you don't believe cheating is OK, make that one of your core beliefs in relationships. People who know me know if I'm cheated on the relationship has to end not matter how I feel about the other person. It ends because the choose to treat me less than I know I deserve to be treated.
I hope this helps, sorry a bit long, when It comes to being unfaithful I can really go off. Have a good New Year.
...............................
A
female
reader, x-Happy-Feet-x +, writes (1 January 2008):
 well this is hard because youve been with him along time and you see if hes done this he will do it again have a talk wit him and get stern and say things like i cant believe you would do this to me bla bla bla and just make him realise that losing you would be the worst thing he has ever done so make him feel like he cant do that sort of thing tell him its rong and if he does then sorry babe but you might have to move on because if he gets a girl pregnant it well be a really awfull problem xx hope this helps i do understand though because ive been with my boyfriend for 1 year xx
...............................
|
