A
female
age
30-35,
*urtle escape
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years now and for about the last year hes been very secretive about his phone. He never used to care if I messed around with his phone but now all of a sudden he does. I have questioned him about it a few times and he just got defensive about it and said that if I trusted him I wouldn't want to look in his phone. But while I did trust him before I am not so sure I do now because of the sudden hiding of his phone. I feel like if he doesn't have anything to hide then why would he hide his phone from me. He even takes it with him in the bathroom whenever he goes to take a shower. I am starting to get really hurt by it and have no idea what to do about it anymore. Help! Please? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, turtle escape +, writes (7 July 2011):
turtle escape is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Angel! I am trying my hardest to get through it the best that I can.. I will never let myself be so naive in a relationship again.. But love makes you do some crazy things.. I am trying to make sure to keep myself as busy as I can.. I tryed to go on a date with someone but all it did was make me realize how much I am just not ready for a relationship right now, so for now I will just take some time to get through this!
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (30 June 2011):
 i know its horrible breaking up with someone but just think of the positive side - you have lost someone who you cannot trust and believe and who prevents you from having peace of mind. you are now free and available to meet someone better. oh and the cat picture text - was clearly sent to another girl - guys don't send cute things to each other, and telling you he does not know who the other number belonged to just proves what you thought already - he is a liar.
always listen to your intuition. if you think someone is not being true and especially if this doubt nags at you it is your subconscious mind telling you that it has picked up on signals, body language, voice pitch, little signs that the person is lying. learn to recognise red flags and more importantly don't dismiss them
x
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female
reader, turtle escape +, writes (29 June 2011):
turtle escape is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHI everyone... Just wanted to give sort of an update. Well I never even had time to mention the phone thing before I got a text with a picture of his cat from him and the text showed it was also sent to someone else. When I asked who it was he claimed he didn't know, and automatically started accusing me of not trusting him. Then he broke with me saying that hes not in love withe me anymore and that I can do so much better than him and all of this mess. 3 days later he started texting me saying that he missed me and he was sorry. I kept my guard up and didnt go back to him. I know hes not right for me and as hard as it is I cant deal with his mess anymore. I just found out today that he already has a gf (by the way he definetly downgraded!). I was very upset that he has found a girl already, I mean its only been 3 weeks! Shows his true character I guess!
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female
reader, turtle escape +, writes (9 May 2011):
turtle escape is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all those who helped so far. I will give an update when possible..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): I had the same experience. I sensed something different was going on when my ex suddenly became secretive with his phone. I confronted him but he denied my accusation... i trusted him but after a month some people told me they see him with someone and that was since he became secretive. He may be cheating. I'm just basing it from experience but give him the benefit of the doubt.
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female
reader, MamaBear +, writes (9 May 2011):
Why is it necessary for a young woman to know who and when her supposed bf has been called? I'd move on to a guy who's "not married" to his phone. Simple as that! But learn a lesson from his behavior to let a guy have some privacy if it's only with his phone!
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female
reader, turtle escape +, writes (9 May 2011):
turtle escape is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo angel: Yes for the most part since he got a phone he has always pretty much kept it on vibrate, he says its because he has to keep it on vibrate at work and doesn't want to forget to put it on vibrate before work. The whole hiding the cell phone thing did not start happening till way after. Also, I have never thought of doing the same thing with my phone it may be a good idea, because he ALWAYS grabs my phone and starts looking in it. He even reads my text messages. The one time I ever said anything about him guarding his phone after fussing about and being all defensive he like held his phone and showed me his messages and contact list but he wouldn't let me look in it by myself.
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A
female
reader, turtle escape +, writes (9 May 2011):
turtle escape is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThats exactly what I am worried about, cause I would hate to make a huge deal about it and its just something like him watching porn or something.As far his general behavior. I have noticed a lack in him wanting sex. Which I just thought had something to do with getting older. I mean I was 17 and he was 19 when we first started dating. He seems to be tired way more often then he ever used to be (he does work 10 hours a day doing manual labor which he didnt work so much before). But as far as when we are together other then the phone thing I havent noticed any changes in affection, or anything. He still wants to cuddle and kiss a lot, shows interest in what I'm doing and all of that.I just would hate to accuse him of cheating if hes not that would make me feel terrible...
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (9 May 2011):
ok, has he ALWAYS used the vibrate setting or this part of his secretive behaviour? i don't wish to panic you but to be honest, this doesn't look good. think you should tell him his behaviour is looking seriously dodgy and you would like him to stop guarding his phone like this. i have been through the same thing and it feels horrible. if he will not agree to be less secretive with the phone then i would see this as a sign of guilt. maybe you should start behaving the same way with your phone just to show him how it feels!
x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): not trying to scare you...but my ex did that EXACT SAME THING to me. took it in the bathroom while showering and everything. wouldn't let me use it to call my mom when my phone was dead, kept it constantly on silent, always had it in her pocket, flipped it over facing down while sleeping at night, etc. very very VERY secretive. also when confronted, she would turn it around on me just like that and make ME feel guilty for feeling insecure even though i had every right to feel that way. turns out she'd been cheating on me for seven months. so there's a little insight. he's hiding something from you. absolutely. either tell him you're breaking up with him or he's going to let you see his phone until you feel comfortable again. but i can almost guarantee you he's up to something. probably cheating. hope this helps.
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female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (9 May 2011):
 I would be a bit suspicious as well, but it could be something completely innocent. Did he recently get a phone with internet access? Is your sex life what it used to be? He may be just looking at porn before his shower because he wants a quick release. I have walked in on my man doing that before a shower when I haven't been up for any action. And I know he likes to watch youtube or just play around on the internet when he's going number two. If you are seriously worried talk to him and if he tries to turn it around as a trust issue on your part don't let him. But remember it may be something harmless. Good luck.
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female
reader, turtle escape +, writes (9 May 2011):
turtle escape is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOmg. He ALWAYS keeps his phone on vibrate and alot of times when were cuddling or something I'll feel it go off in his pocket and he just says he will look at it later but I never see him look at it. Now I am even more worried. He always keeps it in his pocket too.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 May 2011):
 yep he's got a secret... it could it be a proposal or something else cool like that but it also might be another girl... ouchies...
the defensiveness is a huge red flag.
you need to tell him that you are pretty sure that there's something hinky going on and you would rather have the truth than the lies... it might hurt but it's better to know as soon as possible
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (9 May 2011):
definitely hiding something. taking the phone into the bathroom is a definite red flag i think, also look out for these: keeping it in his pocket, taking it with him whenever he leaves the room, using a silent ring/text tone, keeping text inbox and outboxes and call log suspiciously empty, keeping the keypad locked with a PIN number, leaving the room to answer calls, ignoring calls and texts coz he says it is someone who he doesn't know and they must have dialled the wrong number, peoples names that you don't recognise in his phone, one of the favourite tricks of a cheat is to store numbers in his phone listed with a different name, for instance 'john' might really be 'jane'.
so you need to either ditch him if you don't trust him anymore or if you want to stay with him, just keep a close eye on things coz he definitely sounds as if he is up to something, either cheating, flirting or in contact with someone that you wouldn't want him to be - even if just on a friendly basis or maybe he's downloading porn that he doesn't want you to see.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): try to check his phone when he's sleeping, yes there's something strange in his behavior , but again you should feel if there's sth going on not only by hiding his phone , what about his behavior in general?
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female
reader, turtle escape +, writes (9 May 2011):
turtle escape is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, my birthday isn't till september and it seems unlikely since this has been going on since before my last birthday. Thanks for the advice!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 May 2011):
 Is your birthday coming up shortly? Any chance he's planning a surprise party for you? But a year of planning would be unlikely....
It does sound like there's something to be concerned about, and that you've tried to talk with him about it. Maybe the only thing you can do is to pay closer attention to how he spends his time. Where is he when he's not with you? Any time unaccounted for or unexplained?
If you are really suspicious, you could try having someone tail him to see if he is where he says he is. The problem with this is that it is so hard to prove a negative. What I mean is that if he is entirely innocent and doing nothing wrong, you may never believe him because he can't be followed 24/7 to see where he is.
You could try honesty. You wrote: "he just got defensive about it and said that if I trusted him I wouldn't want to look in his phone." Tell him that due to his secretive behavior about the phone, you actually don't fully trust him. "No, honey, actually right now, I DON'T trust you. Can you understand why?" And see where it goes from there.
Good luck.
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