A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I are very much in love, we have been married less than a year and we have been together about three years. Before we got married, sex was great. I was intimate and exciting. I am very much aware that this stage will fade some as time passes, but things have taken a drastic turn since we got married. Once we were married my husband told me vaginas were gross to him. He said he didnt want to have to put forth the effort. He didnt want to do foreplay for me, although he expected me to give him foreplay every time before sex. I was saddened and I started to feel so gross about myself. He used to do it before, why not now! (By the way i am very well groomed down there and I consider myself attractive and very physically fit so that is not the issue)At this time I just settled, I thought I was doomed to a bad sex life. I have some what of a doormat personality so I thought maybe I was not good in bed and tried to incorporate more things into the bedroom like sexy outfits, chocolate syrup, blind folds, you name it, and he shot all of them down, not in a rude way, but he just was not interested. I felt like a faillure. He told me sex was just to get off, nothing more.Months later down the road, I decided i wanted to enjoy sex again. I missed being kissed during sex, i missed a buildup. I missed sex not hurting because now it was just a deed and i wouldnt get wet at all. He asked me if I wanted to have sex and I said yes, and started to kiss him and he laughed and began pushing my head down to pleasure him. I immediately was turned off. I was tired of doing that and nothing in return, no romance, no feelings, just something to get him off other than porn. I asked him why he didnt kiss me and he said if i wanted to be kissed i should be with a girl, and he rolled over and watched tv. The worst part is i knew not having sex w me didnt matter. He would just beat off to porn the next day. I cant stand not having intimacy in sex. Its hurting me. I do not believe in divorce, but i need some help to save my sexlife. He is being blatently selfish and I have talked to him about it many times. Taking sex away wont change n e thing either, he will just masterbate. How can he be so caring in other aspects but with sex he just doesnt care anymore. What do I do, I am starting to blame myself....
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divorce, foreplay, porn, sex life, vagina Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): Sorry to hear about this. But i think that if he gets off at straight porn, he's probably straight. He's such a douche for treating you so poorly...
A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (28 November 2009):
 Dear one, The problem you quote, that marriage make sex life a dull from male. It is not only your problem, but say problem of marriage life as such.Let me analyze the problem first. Sex in its reality is not only great but it is worship able, so it do not require any form of praying or begging, but most certain vision about sex, and that vision will quality one to worship sex, otherwise sex is sure to be just a more biological process like urination, or like any form of feeding, or sleeping etc.Without vision, female is just a possession from the stand point of male and male is just a protection from the stand point of female. This one is the reason, why many thinker condemn this marriage system.Well, the real problem is not sex in married life or out side the marriage life, but problem is about vision. Most people do sex without having actual vision of sex life. We take great care in regard to healthy food and medicine for physical life, but not for sex life. The spiritual aspect of sex do not enter in to our brain automatically, just mathematical formula never enter in our head automatically.And, worst is porn culture and modern sexology who do great harm to human mind by presenting most ugly part of sexual affair and gave totally reversal vision of sex.I have to write a full article on this subject, which will give real vision of sexual heaven possible to human mind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): im not going to bother typing a long response. the answer here is simple. My brother has always been majorly homophobic, got married and treated his wife in much the same way. It turns out he is gay...surprise....surprise. Your husband is either gay, a total bastard or something known as asexual. Either way id cut my losses and get a divorce right away. Life is too short for putting up with crap like this. None of this is your fault, he is blatantly disrespecting you and treating you like a blow up sex doll which he doesnt have to put any effort into. If I were you and I wish I was right now id buy a blow up doll, and give it to him along with the divorce papers. Go and get ypourels a REAL MAN for gods sake.
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A
female
reader, YK +, writes (27 November 2009):
If someone loves you they would never refuse doing things that make you happy for you. If all you wanted to do is just to have a foreplay beforehand and he refused, he just does not care.
And I know you said he is caring in other ways, but is he really?
I am glad he is open to counseling, it is a good sign.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow thank you all so very much for the help. I have been miserable, I am not typically a person who will stand up for myself but I have been working on it, and this issue I cannot let slide. I have read the responses, and honestly I do not worry about him being gay in the least, he is a homophobe actually. The porn that he watches involves beautiful girls.I think it all boils down to him not wanting to make an effort. There also has got to be some sort of underlying issue that is causing his lack of intimacy. I have put it on the table that we should do couseling and he seems a little offended but still open to the idea. I will keep you guys posted on any progress that is or is not made. Thank you so much once again!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): First I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is obvious that you are deeply in love with this man and thought your fairy tale life was on its way. I feel for you because I also do not believe in divorce. You make a commitment for better or worse and you have to just stick it out and work through it right? Well this is one of those situations where I'm going to say that divorce might be your best option. Of course first I'd sit down and have a serious talk with him and explain to him how important the intimacy is in your sex life and if he isn't willing to try and improve that or go to counseling and try to fix it than you have no other option but to get a divorce.
Life is so SHORT sweetie and you only get one shot at it. You should NOT have to life another 60,70,80 years like this. Is that really what you want? You deserve to find a guy who will treat you wonderfully in all aspects of the relationship including sex. Sex is a huge part of a relationship and without it things can get bad. For now you're just upset and feeling hurt but what happens down the road if he doesn't change and you get tired of being his sex toy and you suddenly meet a guy who treats you really well and makes you feel all those things your husband doesn't anymore, are you going to cheat? Before you jump up and say "No way I would never cheat on him" honestly think about it. Would you rather cheat or get divorced because either way you are probably not going to get back what you had with him.
I'm not that sure but I think the other responses might be onto something too. I know you probably hate the idea of him possibly being gay but it does seem rather strong. I wouldn't suggest you outright ask him if he's gay but maybe take a hard look at him and his life style. Then sit down and ask him if he's happy, because he has to be missing that intimacy as well, maybe he is just wanting it from a man? I'm sorry that is probably not what you want to hear about the man you are in love with. But you both deserve to be happy and sometimes it's better to cut your loses early on and move on with your life. You're still young enough to go out and find that Mr. Right who will give you everything you want and need. You should not have to live this kind of life, you deserve better.
What are your options:
1)stay with him, shut up and just keep feeling horrible and miserable FOREVER
2)Talk to him, although he doesn't seem that receptive to this
3)Give him an ultimatum of attempting to fix it, getting counseling (they have sex counselors too just in case you didn't know that) or getting a divorce (even though you don't believe in it you might just have to do it anyway)
4)Cut your loses, learn from this, and move on to find the right guy for you.
Good luck to you sweetie and remember you deserve to be loved and cared about and cherished in all aspects of life, SEX TOO!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 November 2009):
 I think madlib is on to something here; what kind of porn is he watching? If he finds vaginas gross then he won't be watching hetero sex stuff.
The other point I want to underline for you is that you can't fix this by yourself. He has to want to try to deal with the issue as well. You're not going to be successful if he's not on board. So stop banging your head against that brick wall.
Tell him it's counseling or you walk. Then do it. I don't see any other way out for you right now. But do get back to us on the type of porn he favors. I'm really curious about that.
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A
female
reader, madlib +, writes (25 November 2009):
He said you should be with a girl huh?...hmmm...my alarms are going off here...is he big on appearances? Did he get married becuase he truly loves you or because it is the next stage of what he needs to accomplish on his todo list...were his parents nagging him to get married? The fact that he treats you as a pleasure mat is pretty selfish...the fact that he just wants his own oral pleasure and doesn't even want to kiss you...that is just not cool and definetly should not be something you live with for the rest of your life....try to see if he would go to counsiling with you...find out why the sudden change? I'm not being mean either when I say this, but his disgust with the vagina and not wanting to kiss you, his obsession with oral copulation and lack of intamacy during penetration...some of my gay, guy-friends treated their female ex's like this before they came out....they started their relationships off full force, but when they realized that even the perfect woman wasn't what they wanted, they self sabvotaged themselves in the relationship, especially in the bedroom where they felt the most conflicted about themselves. Not saying he doesn't love you or that he really wants to be with guys, just throwing out the possibility that there is more going on here then what he is admitting...try getting him to communicate to you somehow where all this is coming from, and if he isn't even willing to do that with the person he married, don't stay in a marriage with a man who makes you feel like a doormat.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 November 2009):
It has nothing to do with you at all. There's nothing wrong with you. It's him. He's being very selfish. If he didn't like sex before, then he lied to you to get married to you. You really need to address this, otherwise you will either face a life of no sex, or your marriage will fall apart. I personally would talk to a counsellor and see if they can suggest anything. Don't allow yourself to be treated second best. If he loves you as much as you say, then he needs to show it. It's no good him just saying it.
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A
female
reader, MsFrankie +, writes (25 November 2009):
 You don't believe in divorce? Sorry - this is probably not the answer you want to hear - but really!? He sounds like an absolute idiot. Divorce him. Find someone who treats you with respect.
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