A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:The other day, my Italian boyfriend says to me "why do you always get quiet whenever you clean the kitchen". I tell him that it would be nice if he were to help someday, even just once, too. Immediate defenses go up and he tells me that it is my job because I am the woman, he is the man - he has never cleaned a kitchen in his life and he will not start.Last night, I cleaned up my dishes and not his - he later asks me why. I (again) tell him that it would be nice if he did it, even once. He then tells me to go find an American man with black skin who will make me feel good about myself.This is the most minor of the offenses - but I just want to know if it is reasonable that I was upset. I work full time and study for my Master's Degree full time. I have an hour commute each way for work and another 45 minutes for my classes (thankfully, one or two nights a week). Here's the catch: he is unemployed and spends the entire day at home, interrogating me about my activities (work and school). (Yes, he is trying to find a job, but is it unreasonable of me to wish that he would just pull some of his own weight?)Even when I cook, I still have to clean; he won't even move his dishes from the dinner table Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): Dump this womanizer. Being Italian is no excuse, Im European myself and men here know how to behave and act, he's just using his nationality as an excuse. I bet he wont find an Italian woman to do all those things for him that you do. Leave, he will not get better and this will be the source for many fights in the future.
A
male
reader, DANDAMAN1923 +, writes (25 November 2009):
Sounds like you got a deadbeat! I say you clean out the fridge and take yourself out to eat for now on. This guy is inconciderate after all that you do each day. If I were in his shoes I would be feeling guilty for not being able to push my own weight. Heck, I would have dinner made for my partner, dishes done, and house clean. Thats dosn't make me less of a man and dosn't turn my skin black either. His actions are speaking loud and clear about how much he cares, and respects you. From what I've read this man sounds controlling, lazy. Your life is yours to choose how to live it, and who you want to live it with. Just know, not all men have this ideal that women belong in a kitchen and need to be controlled. I think your getting a clear picture of what to expect with this relationship in the future. It up to you to decide if that is what you want.
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A
female
reader, madlib +, writes (25 November 2009):
He sounds like he is looking for the same kind of woman that grew up in his household...Italian households are similiar to Latin households..the women care for the men and are in charge of the house, the cooking, the cleaning, the maintaining of the family. The men are supposed to be the bread-winners, able to come home and have their partners take care of them while they have their drink, smoke their cigars, and watch what they want to.........if your into a traditional kind of guy you will have to learn to make that adjustment...However.....he isn't even being true to his own traditionalist beliefs...he is a deadbeat who isn't working and mooching off of his extremely busy girlfriend, as well as being somewhat racist for comparing your simple belief in helping each other to that of an African American value...What the! ....the way he is acting would proably be embarrassing to even his own family and I can only imagine the excuses or lies he has said to you or to his own mother and father so that he comes off as "trying". He knows he made a choice to be with a contemporary woman..you have always worked and you have always gone to school, if he wanted to be with a traditionalist there are plenty of them out there..I think he knows you have a life outside of his and to me he is just taking advantage of that by doing absolutely nothing while you are gone other then sitting on his butt watching tv and eating the food you buy and leaving messes for you to clean up when you get home...I mean come on! Your not asking for much, and if he really loved you, he would help out around the house because he not only has the time to, but he would also want to spend more quality time with you, you know, doing things couples do like mini dates, excercising together or looking at the moon....not just watching you be a mother/housekeeper....
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 November 2009):
There is a big red flag flashing here and though you've seen it, you've not yet accepted it. He's never done it, so he never will. If you're looking for him to help, he won't. To be honest, it sounds like he's using you like a mother. Now you need to decide whether you want to live your life this way. I think you know you can actually find a decent man who will respect you. This guy doesn't. Get rid of him. He won't change, no matter what you do, and has said it to you.
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A
female
reader, MsFrankie +, writes (25 November 2009):
 !!!!! What are you doing with this man? He sounds like a prize idiot. Seriously. Leave him. Most men are not like this - he is taking you for an absolute fool.
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