A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for nearly 7 years. I got married young (21) and he was 25. I knew at the time that he was a bit insecure but I guess I was young and naïve. The insecurity is getting worse and worse.A couple of years ago, I had a hobby that took up quite a bit of time and, admittedly, it took up a lot of time away from home. During this time, my husband had a one night stand with one of my friends and he kissed another of my friends. He says he did it because he didn't know how to cope with me not being at home enough and that he thought I was having an affair (I wasn't, for the record). I left for a few months and me and my son lived with my mother and father. I soon found myself back at home and we had counselling. He's said he's sorry and I have forgiven him. However, I now cannot go anywhere without getting the third degree - where did I go? What time was I there til? Why did it take me so long to get back? Who was there? And if I tell him that I'm not happy about something, he questions me for literally two or three hours "Why do you feel like that? Why did you think that was the case? You shouldn't feel like that because that's not how I meant it." I get so worn down with it that at the end of it, I just accept how he thinks I should feel and tell myself that he's right and that everything is okay. I don't have hobbies anymore, I only have a couple of friends left because many of my "friends" knew about the affair and didn't tell me and the fact that I get the third degree if I go out anywhere. He wouldn't let me go and see an amateur dramatic show because the guy he thought I had an affair with is in it.I can't have physical contact with him and he constantly asks "Why?" "Don't you like me anymore?" I can't handle the emotional and psychological torment of the questioning. I end up not saying how I feel because I just can't handle the prospect of being interrogated. Saying all this, we get on as long as friends and it's not all bad (as long as I don't go anywhere or mention how I feel!) but I cannot handle the questioning, I am feeling so suffocated. I want out but I still cling on to the fact that we are friends and maybe I'm wrong for "ruining it" and I also worry for our son (5). I feel numb and that my feelings aren't my own anymore. I went for counselling session on my own and the counsellor has said that she thinks I need to separate from him because I'm emotionally exhausted. I spoke to him about this and he said he wanted to have a joint session to try and resolve everything and give it more time to heal after the affair. He has also told me that the affair was my fault because I was away from home too much.Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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affair, insecure, one night stand Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2019): Hi everyone, OP here.
I just wanted to update you - We split up a couple of days ago and I feel a huge weight has been lifted. I think in time he will feel this way, too. We are both still good friends and will work on how we will work together as parents. We may seek separation counselling but as it stands at the moment, everything is okay so far.
Thank you all very much for your help.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2019): When i was having an affair I sort of hoped my wife would have one too. I wouldn't feel so guilty then. She didn't disappoint. I blamed myself for her affair and mine.
Your guy has no shame.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2019): An affair is never your fault. Remember that. Even if your relationship was not in a good place, decent people would address the issues and work on them as a couple rather than deliberately court and then fuck other people. He will continue treating you like shit, and making you feel like shit while fucking other women! Leave now!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 May 2019):
 It is strange but true that cheaters very often make accusations against others about cheating. Whether this stems from a guilty conscience, a belief in "what goes round comes round" or a belief that everyone is the same deep down and has no honour, I have no idea. However, I see this pattern too many times for it to be coincidence. Your husband is completely typical of this. He cheated so accuses you of cheating/having cheated/behaving in a way which makes him believe you ARE cheating.
Add to this his insecurities and possessiveness, and you have yourself a toxic concoction of a very screwed up man who will, if you allow it, take control of your life and bring you down to the point you will knuckle under and do exactly as he wants, regardless of what you want. You have already lost contact with most of your friends and resigned yourself to not having any hobbies because he is too insecure to let you out of his sight.
Yes, you were young and naive when you got married, but that was 7 years ago. You are no longer so young and naive and you certainly don't have to keep paying for your previous naivety. You already know this is not a healthy way to live. You are already emotionally drained. Even if you can't see how unhealthy this situation is for YOU, consider it from the perspective of your young - and very impressionable - son. He is growing up seeing the way you allow your husband to ride roughshod over you. What lessons for the future do you think this is teaching him? Children brought up in abusive environments frequently grow up to be abusers themselves because that is the only behaviour they know and it feel "right" to them. Don't sentence another poor person to the abuse you are going through yourself.
I hope you will have the strength to remove yourself and your son from this abusive man's control and to start living a free life without fear. However, you need to do it in a safe way because people like your husband often turn physically abusive when their victim(s) decide enough is enough.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (2 May 2019):
 To have an affair is a conscious choice and he needs to take ownership that. Regardless of the situation it does not equate to being justified on any level and to go as far as to blame you is beyond comprehension. This relationship is doomed with that attitude. Time to save what ever strength you have left and leave. Give yourself the time and space to process the 3 betrayals and concentrate on you and your chid. You will be surprised to realise how much inner strength you have when you have no other choice but to rely on it. Stay and you will do nothing but punish yourself into a broken woman. Just like him and the choice he made to cheat, you have a choice to choose better for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2019): It seems neither of you were emotionally mature enough for marriage; but he has insecurities beyond reason.
He has possessive-tendencies. He is given to psychological-manipulation; and knows how to twist the situation to make you feel at fault. He purposely wears you down; until you give-up and give-in. His fear is that you're going to get even with him for his cheating. Only, he can't stand the thought of you with another man. It's the text-book definition of hypocrisy.
His emotional-response is typical of a repeat-cheater. He did it more than once, and probably other times; but you can only fault him for what you know.
Your absence was opportunity. It had nothing to do with his feeling abandoned. He knew where you were. He knew you'd be back. He saw a chance to get at your friends, and he took it. Plain and simple.
Cheaters hate the idea of being cheated on. Knowing the conniving and betrayal it takes to try and getaway with it; they're more aware of the toxicity it injects into trust. He doesn't want to feel what he made you feel; because he's a hypocrite, and feels no man should put his hands on his property. Never-mind what he did, that was your fault.
You gave him an opportunity to redeem himself. You forgave him for what he did, in spite of how it was your trust that was betrayed and victimized. You sought marriage-counseling, and you put your child ahead of your own feelings. How much more can anyone give? What more can you do? You went beyond what most people do these days to save your marriage.
Not only has he cheated with your friends, now he's giving you the punishment that he deserves. He has lost it!!!
He can't rest with himself, and he's not sure if he's truly forgiven; knowing that if the situation was reverse, no-way would he have forgiven you! Now he keeps you in-check, to ease his own guilt, protect his own insecurities; and to make sure you don't find some way to retaliate for what he did. Cheaters hate being beat at their own game!
For the sake of your mental-health and well-being; I think you need to assess this whole situation from the beginning to where you are now. You did all you can do for the marriage, in order to keep your family in-tact. He is crushing you, and punishing you without a reason.
I guess this is the final-straw, my dear. Now it's time to do what is best for you. You're a grown-woman, even though you're young. You married someone who has issues. Nothing you have done thus far has improved your quality of life, or enriched your marriage. Talk to your parents, and seek their wisdom as well as ours.
My recommendation is to save yourself. Whatever that entails.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 May 2019):
 I think you need to listen to your counselor and do a trial separation.
While you mostly get along, he has made some choices that hurt the family. Like the cheating, the accusing you of various things, trying to control you and... biggest of all gas-lighting the fire out of you.
NO, it is NOT your fault he CHOSE to cheat.
While it could be that you DIDN'T nurture your marriage enough over your hobby, HE didn't exactly nurture the marriage either, did he? No, he chose to CHEAT and blame it on you.
He seems to take NO responsibility here. It's all YOUR fault all the time. Probably ALSO your fault that he "has" to give you the 3rd degree if you leave the house, right?
He doesn't TRUST you at all. Because? He knows what HE himself have been capable off (cheating) and he knows if he could do that... YOU could easily want to do it too.
Counseling will not resolve this in ONE joint session.
HE needs to WORK on his issues. HE needs to take responsibility for HIS actions.
YOU need to get away from this, not just for your sake but for your SON'S sake. HE doesn't NEED to see his dad treat his mother this way. He doesn't need to learn that this is how (some) men treat a partner. YOU do NOT want your son to think this is NORMAL behavior in a marriage.
You SHOULD be able to have a hobby and friends and still have a functioning marriage. Of course a hobby shouldn't become the PRIORITY of the marriage but give YOU something that "sparks joy" in you. Because THAT will make you a happier person, a better mom and wife.
You BOTH should work on LISTENING to each other and help each other fulfill needs and wants from each other. A marriage don't "just" take care of itself, like ANY relationship you NEED to nurture it. Invest in it. Work on it. However, right now? HE needs to work on HIM and you need to figure out if there even IS a future with him for you.
You can't live in a marriage where you are held "hostage" by HIS insecurities and HIS fears. That just ins't healthy for ANY of you.
Keep seeing that counselor, take that separation (I'd say 3-6 months) GET on your feet so you CAN take care of yourself and your son by yourself if it comes to that. But DO put yourself AND your son FIRST now. Not your husband's insecurities.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (1 May 2019):
 Jesus wept. Your fault? Is he for real?
Get out immediately, no advice needed. This relationship is dead.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2019): Usually when guys get jealous like that it is usually a sign of his guilt.I am so sorry but just because of that means that he is still cheating on you.None of this is your fault.Rember that because it is true.This rests all on him.He is trying to gaslight you by saying it is your fault.It is his fault one hundred percent.If you stay with a man who cheats on you who lies to you who emotionally abused you by gaslighting you who does not respect or love you one bit...As he only loves himself...well if you stay with him there is no hope of ever being happy.Divorce the scum.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 May 2019):
 The affair was your fault? That statement itself is enough for you to kick his sorry ass to the curb.
I don't understand why you're doing this to yourself OP. This marriage holds nothing for you, you're exhausted, cheated upon, you're not allowed to have your hobbies or to go out and if your husband makes mistakes then it's your fault. It's literally a no-win situation for you. You say you get along as friends? I don't know how that's possible unless you have the patience of a saint! Your son is small now but I'm sure he understands that things are not right and if things continue this way, he's going to grow up in a dysfunctional family. I personally believe that if the parents don't get along then it's better for a child to have two (relatively) happy homes than one unhappy one. As the mother YOU bear the brunt of child-rearing and if you're not happy then it reflects on the child as well.
I think it's time to teach this man a lesson and I don't think counseling is the answer. Why? Because not only is he not willing to admit his mistakes, it's now the case of pot calling the kettle black. He's the one who cheated and yet somehow you're the one constantly on trial... And if that's not enough, his mistakes magically become your responsibility!
I believe it's time to get your ducks in a row. Get hold of a good divorce lawyer, take him to the cleaners and look at starting life anew.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (1 May 2019):
Please listen to your gut. You are being emotionally abused and this is unacceptable.When people cheat, it is their fault. No one elses. They decided to cheat, they acted on it and saw it through. No one else is responsible so for him to try and blame it on you is cowardly and down right disgusting.I was with a man who accused me of cheating because I wanted to take up dancing again. I used to be a professional dancer but gave it up a few years before. I couldn't do anything I liked, our daughter wasn't allowed either. It became so unbearable that I started to not share my feelings and lie for my daughter so she could go out with her friends.After 2 illness and a breakdown, I left him. Me and my daughter are much happier now.You are married, you are not a prisoner. You are also showing your kid that it is acceptable to be treated like this. You are a grown woman with hobbies and activities. No one has the right to tell you what do do or not do. His insecurities are up to him to sort out and if he can't then he will be alone.You need to leave him or you will become quite ill.Good luck hon.
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