A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:The man I love has married his cousin. He says he is only staying with her until their child leaves home for university. Once she has left home he says we can then start to make plans for our future and tell our respective partners, with the minimum amount of hurt, although we both know there will be some. I just dont know whether to believe him, or whether he is just having his cake and eating it. For him to marry his cousin (2nd marriage) I am so confused but am willing to wait for him. what do I do?????
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): thanks everyone for replying with your advice and opinions. You are all so right...I am hurting all the time and have been for some while. I guess I need the strength to break this off. the guy who replied to me with 2day,s weeks months or the good old 2 years...why do you say that....I am so curious...as you can guess what time limit i have been promised....thank you
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 September 2011):
 If a person wants out of a marriage nothing can make them stay... no one stays for the sake of the children if there is someone else for them to go to...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 September 2011):
 That's the oldest fib ever ! That's probably what Noah said to his mistress: " just let me get my kids out of the Ark, and off to college, then you and I will be together... "
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (20 September 2011):
 Just out of curiosity... how long will it be before their child goes off to university?? Days, months... or the old "a couple of years"?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): I pity his poor wife, that he married her while seeing someone else. I don't believe the other commenters here who say this shows he loves her more than you. He may not love her more just because he married her. If he loved her truly, he wouldn't be cheating on her now would he?? I think he's just concerned with himself and keeping himself feeling "OK." it may be other reasons he married her, but still selfish reasons such as that it was expected of him because they were already in a relationship and he didn't know how to end it without "hurting her too much" so he didn't because he was a coward and thus ended up in a marriage, or if there is a child involved it's expected of him to marry the mother.but no I don't think you should accept him saying to wait until the child goes to university. the excuse of "minimum amount of hurt" is nonsense. He's just afraid to end the marriage and is procrastinating. There's never a good time to end a marriage. The longer the marriage lie is perpetuated the worse the situation will be for you. you should tell him no either he leaves his wife now (or in the nearer future) or you leave him. and then you should mean it and follow through because it's not good for you to be waiting and waiting while he's got his cozy family life and stringing you along. he's got his needs met, he gets to have the benefits of the marriage in the near term and the dream of some day leaving her to go onto something new. But you don't have that so it's very unfair to you and you shouldn't accept this. make him choose - or rather, let him choose, and you act accordingly.
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (19 September 2011):
 The problem is that if he really loved and wanted you, he would not have married another girl. Therefore, cut all ties with him as there is no future here for you.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (19 September 2011):
 8 words...
'The longer you wait, the harder it gets'
Why should you put yourself through the emotional torture of watching him be with someone else??? I've been in this position and it didn't go in my favour. I remember saying to myself afterwards 'why did i wait for a very painful year only to be hurt over and over again????'
I urge you, don't put yourself through this! What happens if he changes his mind after the child goes to university?? What if the child decides that he/she doesn't want to go to university??? You need to really think about whether or not it's going to be worth it!!
Personally, i think he's having his cake and eating it and soon it'll get really boring for you, the love that you claim to have for him will gradually start to turn to hate. Cut yourself free of it now, and spend some time building your confidence and self esteem back up again. Please don't do this to yourself or you'll be miserable...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Wow. This guy is one amazingly smooth talker, if he has convinced you he's in love with you. He's actually MARRIED someone else? Nothing says "I love you less" than going through with a marriage ceremony to someone else!
This is when people will tell you to wake up and smell the coffee. He's been leading you on, sorry.
If you're not happy with your current partner, why not put yourself back out on the dating market and give yourself a chance to date someone with credibility? You're holding yourself back and for what? Hollow promises and you are not getting any younger, if your age range given is correct.
There's a whole wide world of people out there, why stick to someone you don't love and wait for someone who so very clearly demonstrated that he loves you less than this other woman? So sad. Sorry, good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (19 September 2011):
No of course you don't believe him. If he wanted to be with you, he would have chosen you.
Any man of any decency would not lead you on in this way. He would want you to be happy, and in this case, with someone else.
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