A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A few months back I slept with my married boss twice. We got on great in work and in general, one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. Things were awkward and a mishap in communication led to a second 'mistake'. We agreed it would never happen again and left it at that.Now his wife has found out and is obviously angry, she rang me to talk, said she didn't really blame me as her husband should no better etc but that didn't mean I was off the hook.She then went on to ask me what we did, positions/how long it lasted/whether we climaxed etc -she wanted to know every gory deail inside and out.My question really is am I obliged to give her all this information as it makes me skin crawl to relive it and also I've never been that open with anybody enough to share that kind of information so its really hard to answer when she pesters me. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): I feel differently about this. She has contacted you.
Tell her everything she wants to know, general information only, not gory details. You wronged her by engaging in a relationship with her spouse, knowingly, and hurt her as well as him hurting her.
But, are you obligated?
No, you can just refer her back to her lying husband.
Really, she trusts you more than him, and has reason to, so perhaps she really needs truth, more than anything else.
You might learn something.
Leave your job.
Get out of the picture.
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (20 September 2011):
 I think you should have aplogized to her for your part of the affair then guided her back to her husband.
You are not obligated to discuss the details and should not engage in talking to her any more.
Assure her you are not seeing him anymore and reconsider another place of employment to insure that.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 September 2011):
 I would refer her back to her husband. Just tell her that she needs to ask HIM all of her questions.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (20 September 2011):
 What I suspect has happened is that your boss is lying to his wife, saying that the two of you were only friends and all you did was talk, there was no sex involved.
The next time she calls you please ask her to ask her husband for the truth, the matter is between them and you dont want to get any more involved.
Please also tell her that you are no longer seeing her husband [which I hope you have used your common sense and stopped seeing him].
I would also suggest that you find yourself another job and stay away from married men!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): so why doesn't she ask her husband these details if she really wants to know?? Or is she trying to "fact-check" his story?or you can ask her flat out why does she want to know?I don't think you're obligated to tell her anything. He's her husband, he's the one who took vows with her and owes her something. You don't have any connection to her.I think she's just going berserk and behaving irrationally because of the emotional devastation she is suffering. I don't think that telling her all the details, or not telling her, that either scenario will necessarily make her feel better of benefit her in any way. At this point she probably has no objective in mind when demanding these details from you, she's just behaving as a knee-jerk reaction to whatever anger she's feeling and maybe she wants to work herself up even further into her anger and is looking for fodder.If she pesters you, then arrange for you three to have a face to face meeting : you, her and her husband!!!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (20 September 2011):
 Not only are you not obliged to tell her the details about the sex you had with her husband, but you're doing her a favor by not telling her.
What's she going to do with that knowledge besides conjure up images in her head that will eat her up...? It's best she not know and I suggest telling her that should she keep pushing the issue.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 September 2011):
 There's one critical piece of advice that I would give you....
Do NOT hang up on her when she calls!!!!! Instead, take the opportunity to start talking to her... and THEN, hang up on YOURSELF!!!!! That has to be the most frustrating thing that a person can do..... After all... it's EXPECTED that we would hang up when someone who we don't like or don't wish to communicate with is speaking... But WHAT RATIONAL person would hang up on THEMSELF when they are talking??????
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): No.
Don't discuss it with her.
She does not need to know the details of your intimacy with her husband.
She needs therapy and she and her husband need marriage counseling.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 September 2011):
 Yikes. She should be talking to her husband, not you. And trust me, she does blame you. She might blame him more, but she's not your friend, nor does she "understand".
You need to be diplomatic about this. Her wanting the gory details is about her going crazy about whether or not the sex was better with you than her. It's also about emotionally punishing the husband, not to mention torturing herself.
Be gentle with her and humble. Explain that it's one of the things you'll most regret, and that she should be talking to her husband. You don't owe her the details. Her husband owes her. He is the one who betrayed and devastated her. You were the accomplice, and you are just as culpable morally as he is given that you knew he was married.
Tell her that she should not torture herself over the details, and that you are really sorry for being part of the betrayal, but you want to put it behind her, and this is between her and her husband now that the affair has come to light.
All you "owe" her now is to never ever touch her husband or any other married man again.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (20 September 2011):
 I think that you aren't obligated to tell her anything. Yeah, you slept with him, but sex is private no matter who it's with and the details should be kept between the two ppl, unless they have a desire for others to know. So tell her that you are not going to share the details no matter how bad she wants to know. The main thing is that her husband wasn't faithful and that's all she needs to focus on, not the sexual details because that's really irrelevant and will do nothing but do more harm than good to tell her. So if she's going to pester anyone, it should be her husband.
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