A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little more than two years now and we have been living together close to two years. Just a couple of weeks ago he had been coming home late at night around 4 in the moring every night. He says he is with his friends and I trust him. He came home one late morning and I was up. He layed on the bed and gave a huge sigh. I asked what was wrong but all he said was nothing. He kept sighing like something was bothering him and I kept asking if there was anything wrong. He snapped at me saying nothing was wrong so I dropped it. Three days after that he was acting different, he wouldn't pay that much attention to me, he didn't want to hang out with me, he just didn't really talk to me. So on a saturday I asked again what was wrong. He told me that he has been bored with me, he doesn't feel the same way about me, that I am unattractive and his needs and wants are different now. I was so hurt and crushed when he finally told me what was going on. It really did feel like he stabbed me in the heart. He says he still really loves me and wants to work through it, but I dont see how he can still love me. So I decided to change a bit, I lost weight, I do my hair and make up everyday and I dress nice everyday untill we go to bed. He hasn't changed and I dont know what to do. My friends tell me to dump him but I dont want to. I love him so much that I am willing to do anything for him. I am not sure what to do next though. What should I do now? Should I give up or keep holding on till he feels right again? I am still so heartbroken over everything that I cant act the same anymore, its going to take a long time to heal after what he had said to me.
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female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (18 September 2009):
 I agree with BeingBlack - this guy has issues of his own which he is projecting onto you - I also would have suspicions that he is either cheating or contemplating it at least...probably has his eye on someone.
I also think that what he has said will have had such an impact on you - your self esteem and your trust in him/your relationship will have been damaged - it will be difficult if not impossible to ever get over what he said. I suspect if you do stay you will continue to feel insecure, will take on ALL the responsibility for keeping your relationship going, which is unfair, and that over time you would most likely come to really resent this man for being so thoughtless and self absorbed....what person says that to their partner, he is self absorbed - and you won;t be able to change that.
The only way I see for you to MAYBE stay together ws if you both went to relationships therapy (a very good therapist would be a must)...because then he MAY gain insight into his behaviour and give you the apology you deserve - and show you how he intends to improve himself.
Somehow I doubt he would commit to this -
I wonder if he is waiting for you to dump him...so you look like the 'bad guy' yet again???
I know you love this person - but you owe it to yourself to love YOURSELF more....I think you should probably leave this relationship.
A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (18 September 2009):
 You can keep trying if you want to, but I don't believe there is much that you can do to change his feelings. The problem is his, and not yours. He seems a little immature, and unsure of commitment. When a man tells his girlfriend that he is 'bored' and finds her 'unattractive', then that is basically the end as far as he is concerned. He feels trapped and wants to act like a single man. But instead of telling you how he feels, he is trying to blame you to shift the responsibility.I'm afraid that I have to agree with everyone else. Dump him. It won't be easy, as you obviously love this man, and you live together, but you don't have any option. He has turned away from you in his heart, and the harder you try to 'please' him, the less he will think of you as a person.Whether he is cheating or not is a no longer an issue at this point. Everything that was good about your relationship, all the trust and history means nothing to him. It's all gone, and he feels nothing. I believe that you are neither boring, nor unattractive. He wouldn't have moved in if you were, would he? But some people change and grow together, while others grow apart. In time, I think you will find a man who deserves you. This one doesn't.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y +, writes (18 September 2009):
 Ooooh, ouch! First of all, you are definitely attractive, even if he doesn't think so any more. That horrible stabbing-in-the-heart feeling, pretty unbearable, but it will go away after a while. He probably does love you as a friend, which is why he hasn't ended it yet, believe it or not he genuinely doesn't want to hurt you because he cares about you. My advice would be to get out of the relationship with your dignity intact. No matter how you feel, (and I know it's a big call), you need to be the one to end it. If you can do that, you never know what might happen. Sometimes another person takes us for granted right up until that moment that they realise that we CAN survive without them. From that, sometimes the other person gets a whole new perspective on who we are, and a lot of respect comes from it, and respect always comes before real love. The crappy bit is that once we make the big decision to move on, and the other person changes their mind and wants us back, we often don't want them any more. Very best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, egrl202 +, writes (18 September 2009):
some one else will find u even more attracrive, and it totally sounds like hes cheating, find u a good 1!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): Dump him. He is 100% cheating on you. Sorry. That's just the way it is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): You don't deserve to be treated like that. It hurts and isn't fair on you. I know it's hard, but I think you need to get out of this relationship for your own good. I was with a guy I loved for 3 years and he started putting me down, saying I wasn't attractive and it just got to me in the end, I felt awful about myself. It starts to change how you feel about yourself after a while and that takes a long time to get over. I am so free now that I'm not with him anymore. It hurt a lot to break up and I completely doubted whether I was doing the right thing, but once it was over it felt great. One day you'll find a man who will truly love you for who you are, inside and out.
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