A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:When I was 22, I was in a very serious relationship. After his father died, he broke up with me. We didnt speak for a number of years. We both married other people, and had children. We found each other again, I was divorced, he was happily married, we talked once in awhile, nothing inappropriate. Late last year, his wife died suddenly. Since a couple of months after her death, we started talking more, 90% of the time, he initiates the conversation. We have gotten together twice, both times became romantic, and was wonderful.He has told me that he just wants to be friends, but has told me to be patient with him, he is getting there. We live 2 hours away from each other and said he wishes I lived closer. He has said that his family isn't ready to see him with another woman, but has told me several times that he loves me.I care about him very much, but it took me a long time to get over him the first time. Should I just be patient and see what happens or is he just playing games with me?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 June 2017):
 I fully agree with Cindy.
I think he used you to escape grief for a few. And now that his conscience has "woken" he has decided that a relationship IS too soon (which I agree with) but he WANTS to keep you around for potential sex on tap.
OP, he needs to work through his grief on his own, not by using you.
Don't put your life on hold waiting around for him to get to a point where he can BE a friend (or more) When he does he will probably find someone other than you. Why? Because you remind him of what he "shouldn't" have done.
I would look elsewhere for a romantic interest and friend, right now he can't be either for you, and it's not fair that you should wait around for something that may or may not happen.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 June 2017):
 He said he just wants to be friends- but you met twice and both times you " became romantic " ? Which, I guess , means sexually intimate ?
Uhm. I smell a big fat rat here. People should say what they mean, and mean what they say. If for the time being he does not want a relationship ( It figures ! at just two months from his wife's death ! As a matter of fact, I am also a bit perplexed that he felt the need, or felt it to be appropriate and respectful, " romancing " you while, metaphorically speaking, his wife's corpse is not even cold yet )- if all he can handle now is friendship , then he should act like a friend, and not act " romantic " . And note that IMO this would apply also in case there was NO sexual involvement whatsoever, also in case you kept to sweet words and holding hands ; those are not activities for friends, or for people who wants to get to know you much better before taking the plunge in future .
" Romantic " is for somone who pursues you , and is FREE to pursue you, here and now.
My take is that he is giving you a gentle runaround. He is telling you " : Hey don't get any ideas , no dice here ( the distance, the family, blah blah )- nevertheless , I am not going out and say " no dice " because if and when I have the time and the mood for some " romance " ( whatever this may entail ) well, you are there , willing and available, and I like that.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (12 June 2017):
 I would be patient but ALSO exercise caution. He has not long lost his wife of many years. It is not uncommon for people who have lost partners to feel great guilt when moving on, like they are cheating on them. And it is good that he is sensitive to his children's feelings. They are mourning the loss of their mother. They NEED their father to be there for them, regardless of their age.
It sounds like he is being as honest with you as he can be. He WANTS a relationship with you but is not yet ready. If you really like him, give him time to get over the death of his wife and to allow his children to get used to her not being there. Keep in contact as friends and see what develops.
Wishing you all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2017): He will Never get over losing his wife ....but be patient if you like him .... he will feel so much guilt about his wife and moving on ...just date him when you can and let things develop but also support him over his loss .. he will always feel scared about tell family he's with someone new ..guilt is a massive emotion ....just tell him you won't wait forever ...but that your willing to wait a while
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (11 June 2017):
 are you open to a relationship with a person or is it just that if you work things out you would be happy to have one with this man , you don't say how old his kids are if they are young he would not want to pull them away from what is home for them , and he might still be getting over his wife , you know from your experance that can take time , he will allways have a place for her even if he is in love with you , many people have the idea that you can only love person at a time but think of a kid can love it's mother and it's dad, you might even still have something for your ex ,does not stop you from loving again but we all need time to move on some more that others ,
with what you say you may be opening your self up to strong feelings once again , and he may not be in the same place , but we take it what he is saying is the truth so try ask him where does he see himself in a time like 2 /3 years ,does he want you to hang around for years and then get together when he wants a home aid , did you meet his kids how are they to you or does he hide you from them , i know you have talked but you need to get an idea of when how and what is his kids block from him finding someone again , and that your not trying to replace her ,
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 June 2017):
 I would only reserve my patience for someone I can fully trust and who's committed to me already. He is just using his family as an excuse to not start another relationship. I also would not travel 2 hours to see just a friend. If you have limitless patience, of course you can wait in case he does want a relationship in the future, or that he doesn't really want one. Doesn't mean you have to just because he uttered the word love. He's in no position to request for "patience" if he himself can't be in order to wait for his family's approval for a new relationship. He broke up with you two times in the past and both reasons were bad. If you don't love a person you don't love them. No need to drag other family members as reason. Don't be his fall back person.
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A
female
reader, worriedgirl2012 +, writes (11 June 2017):
I don't think he's playing games. I think he's just being cautious and trying to be tactful. Give it some time. Best of luck!
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