A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi ..I am so confused right now.What does a break mean? I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 mons now.We have spent every weekend together since.he is very active in my kids life.Past 2 weeks we have been a bit distant.So I did a little snooping and he has a profile on line looking for dates.He hasnt met anyone but has been e-mailing.I fessed up and told him I caught and told him what I did.All of a sudden he says he needs a break.My kids are devestated..I told them we are just taking a break and seeing where everything is going.But I honestly dont know where.My oldest daughter kept texting him with out my knowledge asking questions.She is upset .Last time I spoke to him I told him I spoke to the kids and they wont text him or call him anymore.Then he comes back with ..he would like to watch them play their sports.Then says he isnt going to date but I shouldnt deprive myself of going out for dinner or drinks if I am asked.Then he says he is done right now needs a break ..all of this is too much .I havent spoken to him in 3 days I havent texted him in 3 days ....Should I just leave it alone? ACT LIKE WE BROKE UP AND GET ON WITH MY LIFE?
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female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 Yep, you're broken up. Time to accept and move on. Good luck :)
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (13 September 2009):
 First off I have to say telling him you were snooping on him really didn't help. But you could try and explain to him that you did this because you were really worried something was wrong with him. If he knows you really do love him, or care deeply for him, then he's going to get over this particularly if you promise not to invade his privacy again.
Now further on. Unfortunately I see the problem you're in right now. And I actually realized this happened in my own relationship (which is now defunct). Your significant other starts wondering what life would be like with a possible other partner instead of you. They try for it, but its only half-hearted. Maybe they meet someone else but find out that someone else is a complete waste of time. The point is, they're unsure of things.
In other words he may have an online profile, but he's not acting on it full-bore at the moment.
What I think is going on here is that he became so settled in his relationship with you and the kids, that he's worried that its tedious rather than exciting and affectionate. I don't know if he's divorced or has kids of his own, but this may have contributed to the dissipation of his marriage or prior family if that happened.
I'd say he's looking for some space, maybe. Give him about a month, unless he contacts you sooner, and just leave him alone if that's what you want to do. But I see him suffering here and he's not told you why. At least maybe there's a chance you can find a way to make him feel like he is special in your life. It may all be a question of how highly valued you make him feel.
From what you wrote, he's ruminating over this whole thing. One view is basically you're asking him to take on a family. I'm assuming that he's in your age bracket so for him, if he has had another family in his life, then this would be a second family.
One way you can try and heal this situation, if you want, is you could try and gently talk to him down the road. It shouldn't be anything to pull him back, but see if there was something that he was missing that caused him to do this. Maybe offer to listen to what he says and change things to make him feel better about things.
He seems conflicted at the moment. Guys have a strange way of bolting or getting spooked. If he's at the midlife crisis stage, then his alone-time is mostly his own issue and has nothing to do with you. However, helping him through it would probably be a good thing. Its tough going through that part of your life alone and if you're there for him, it will definitely make him feel much better.
Some guys get this crisis and man it makes them lunatics. Others barely notice it.
However, signaling that he doesn't want you to stop living your life or being happy; he just wants to make sure that he's not getting into something he can't handle on down the road and make you miserable in the process.
Nowadays its hard for a guy to just step into a family. But in his case, its actually very nice to see that the kids adore him. And it appears he's happy being around with them too. That's actually a plus for him.
One thing I would say is that with kids, your "together" time gets compromised a lot. And even if you saw him every weekend and such, there's still 20 days a month he's basically all alone! For a guy that's going through midlife, man that's hell!
I think maybe he's needed a bit more attention from you, and perhaps he wasn't getting it. The kids come first in your life, and though he adores them and vice versa, its taxing on a guy that craves affection and companionship.
So that could be another reason too.
I always say this and that is that the biggest reason why relationships and marriages break apart is largely neglect. One partner can't pay enough attention to the other one, and so the one that loses out tends to want to stray. This could be another indication. If he feels like he's being taken for granted, he may just want to look some more.
The other thing you could try is find ways to spend some time with him during the week, and offer to do this for him as much as possible. Get a baby sitter and whatever else you need, so that he isn't lonely all the time. And make special times for you two to be intimate and enjoy private time together. That may be one thing that works for you.
I hate to say this but as a guy gets older, companionship and affection are sort of a necessity in life. If he's starved for both, then he's worried he's no. 5 in your life instead of at least no. 2. That breeds loneliness.
The other thing I see here is possibly a pair of trust and communications issues. If he was so upset and trawling for dates on the internet, why didn't he feel confident enough to ask you for more time, affection or attention (or whatever it was that he feels he needs)? That's usually the reason why guys go off doing this sort of thing.
Anyway, these are the best thoughts I can think of for you.
Try and remember that he's got an emotional investment in you and the kids' lives. Apparently he does care and those feelings may be very deep. I wouldn't throw him to the curb yet. Maybe just test the waters with him a little.
Or take the conventional route and let him hang for 30 days and see what happens at the end of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): For me, when a guy says he needs a break, hes breaking up with you. But he might generally want a break, maybe its all getting to much for him if he hasnt been in a long relationship before (like 10mnths) or the kids are too much, maybe you should text him or call him and ask him where the relationship is going because at the moment you are just left waiting for him, and so are your kids and its not fair - he needs to be honest with you and your kids. hope i helped and good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): I caught my boyfriend of one year with his profile on a dating site (after we agreed we were exclusive and would not have profiles up). This is a 52-year-old man!!! He was very sneaky and did not put a picture of himself up and changed some information, BUT I found it on his computer, so there was no denying it. Every excuse was used -- "I'm bored. I didn't meet anybody. Blah. Blah. Blah." It is now over because I can no longer trust this man. It took me a couple of months to get over him. Now I am back in the dating pool and have never regretted my decision to break up with him.
I would say consider yourself available and LUCKY that you found out sooner than later. Precious energy is being wasted "hoping he will come to his senses."
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (13 September 2009):
yes taking a break is just a seguay to a break up. hes just beating around the bush. move on girl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): Ask him to be sure. My ex once told me he needed a break. I thought that meant we were broken up. But what he really meant was he needed alone time. We eventually broke up, but the final breakup was about 6 months after his suggestion of a break, and we had been back together after that.
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