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He says he doesn't find me sexually attractive. But I still love him so much. What should I do?

Tagged as: Age differences, Sex

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Question - (10 February 2012)

14 Answers - (Newest, 15 February 2012)

A female age 51-59, *ged beauty writes:

I am 13 years older than my boyfriend

we have been togeather for 6 months, he moved in with me in December of last year and we barley have sex, he said he has no desire, blaming it on himself like he has sexual problems, the times we have done it seem excelent to me and her ignited half of them, but in 6 months its been like 12 times, anyways last night out of the clear blue he said babe is it bad that i dont find older women sexually arousing,

yet i love you and your my best frien and ill dont plan on going anywhere, im just not sexually attracted to u , yet your beautiful and sexy. well i personally dont get why i still love him and would hang on to this, he said he will try to over come it and work at it, I dont know what to do, i was 307 poonds before him in a marriage of 16 years, that didnt have sex and i was full of low self atseam. now i am 145 pounds , great body and look in my mid 30s even tho im 47.

View related questions: I love you, moved in, no desire

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 February 2012):

He loves your dog and your kid but he doesn’t love you the way you need and want him to.

You’ve only been together for 6 months and he moved in with you in December that was very early in the relationship…. But the truth is that if you loves you the way you need and want, he would find you sexually attractive…no matter your age or your body…

Don’t settle….

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A female reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 February 2012):

My best wishes, but personally I think it's hard to " work on " physical attraction, it's something in large, part irrational and biochemical, either it is there or it is not. How do you train yourself to be sexually attracted to someone , if you aren't spontaneously ?

I agree that some times people whom you aren't immediately attracted to , sort of grow on you, because when you get to know them you like them so much, that you see them through different eyes, in a different light. But you have known each other for the last 6 months, and you already know you get along from many points of view.... BUT that. Never say never and let's hope this may change, but don't feel bad or bitter if it does not, and either one gets tired - you are BOTH too young to settle for good companionship and forsake sexual intimacy.

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A female reader, Aged beauty +, writes (14 February 2012):

Aged beauty is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Loves my dog and kid and says i'm his best friend, loves going to have drinks with me, eat dinner and we do everything together, but he says sexually its hard for him because im 13 years older and he has never dated older women only younger, and your right i have a lot to offer, one thing he is not is dumb,

young girls are filled with drama and needy, i only am looking to be loved, both mentally and physicaly, i made him aware of this, and i have not held back, he said he would over come it and work on it, i do care enough about him to keep trying even tho i so wanted to tear his eyes out of his sockets, but as well i do care about myself, i know im beautiful and i know he will never be as happy as he could be with me

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A female reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 February 2012):

Maybe it's good that certain things are hard to forget, because they should not be forgotten and swept under the rug quickly, they beget questions.

For instance, if he is not physically attracted to older women,knowing that , WHY exactly did he take up with you 6 months ago ? You were more or less the same then and now ,I guess, it's not that you have aged all of a sudden. And why did he move in with you in December,- he must have noticed in the first 3 months of your r/ship a lack of attraction, so why making the r/ship closer and more official in lack of one of the main ingredients for a relationship , i.e. MUTUAL physical attraction ?...

In simpler words, what's in it for him ? what does he get out of being with you - that would be enough to compensate something important at his age, the lack of a fulfilling sex life ?

Don't get me wrong, I am sure you are a quality woman with a lot to offer , and that you can be appreciated for your personality, conversation, companionship, good temper, etc.

But tbh I still have to meet a young man that's willing to have a relationship ONLY based on your good character traits, so...where's the catch ?, because I am afraid there must be one.

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A female reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 February 2012):

Maybe it's good that certain things are hard to forget, because they should not be forgotten and swept under the rug quickly, they beget questions.

In simpler words, what's in it for him ? what does he get out of being with you - that would be enough to compensate something important at his age, the lack of a fulfilling sex life ?

Don't get me wrong, I am sure you are a quality woman with a lot to offer , and that you can be appreciated for your personality, conversation, companionship, good temper, etc.

But tbh I still have to meet a young man that's willing to have a relationship ONLY based on your good character traits, so...where's the catch ?, because I am afraid there must be one.

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A female reader, Ciar +, writes (13 February 2012):

Surround yourself with people you love and trust. Rely on your support network and do things that make you happy and proud of yourself.

Older women are very appealing. As a group we are more concerned with our health and take better care of ourselves than do younger women. We say what we want instead of assuming if a man loved us he'd know. We're more experienced, confident, self sufficient and easier to get along with. Those things make us more attractive to many men than are younger women.

You will find that as time passes and the less you care about him, the less you'll care about what he thinks or says.

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A female reader, Aged beauty +, writes (13 February 2012):

Aged beauty is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your support, Things are a bit better, but what he said haunts my mind, somethings that are said to someone are hard to forget/.

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A male reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (11 February 2012):

The guy is simply an idiot. Drop him.

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A female reader, Ciar +, writes (11 February 2012):

Did your boyfriend have a solid career or steady job when you met? Was he in any financial distress?

I think the anonymous male below summed it up perfectly when he suggested your boyfriend wants you to continue to provide for him emotionally and financially without expecting much in return. He wants you to be his mother, not his lover.

Sticking around to see if he developes a taste for you is a colossal waste of time not to mention dangerous to your self esteem. If you don't like someone, you don't like them. It isn't something you can force and trying to only makes the aversion stronger.

This is not a reflection of you or your attractiveness. The relationship, such as it was, has run it's course. Time for him to move out and you to move on.

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A male reader, Beingblack +, writes (11 February 2012):

You don't have to do anything at all, you haven't done anything wrong.

You are currently living with a very weak man. Very weak indeed.

When you were 300 pounds, and had low self esteem, he felt powerful, and he felt like a big sexy man.

Now that you are slimmer, and sexy, and you turn heads, you have a coward, a fraud and an insecure, impotent 'man' in your bed.

Thats tough for him, and good for you!! If he cant accept that you have no need to feel inferior to him, then kick him out, and move on to someone who will find you sexually attractive for what YOU are.

Life is too short for silly games, and power struggles. I love my life, every aspect of it, so if something is making you unhappy, stop and think why that is. He does not deserve you, and he is dragging you down to his level. Kick his ass out, and don't let him come back unless he tells you, and shows you how seriously sexually attracted to you he is.

Be happy, best of luck.

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A female reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 February 2012):

Seems a bit insensitive of him to say something like that seeing as you are older than him...makes you wonder why he would say it??

If you think you can stick it out with him, give it a go and see what develops. If he continues to make odd remarks and your sex life dissapears then I am sure you will make up your own mind if you stay or go.

I thought the whole thing with relationships was to love and cherish eachother...lots of couples live happily with a reduced sex life if it doesn't form a massive part of them, but you have to decide if thats ok for you....and if it isn't, you have the option to end the relationship and find someone new!!

:-)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012):

It sounds as if you provide a cosy home for him - but you get little out of it beyond his company! He is using you. If you want a full relationship then I don't think you should continue this. Tell him that you need a full and physical relationship or he can ship out.