A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bf, J (23) and I(25) are both military and have been together nearly 3 yrs, mostly long distance (we're 10 hrs apart now). At the start, we made boundaries for cheating. Since we're both jealous, we said kissing, flirting and all the various types of sex were wrong. I also told him if he cheated on me, I'd leave.Now, just a few days ago, J texted me saying he'd gotten drunk with friends at a strip club and bought 5 lapdances from 2 strippers.I told him if kissing and flirting were cheating, how much MORE were lapdances from STRIPPERS! I was furious. I told him we were done.Now he's begging for another chance. At first he said he was SORRY he cheated. But later, after I calmed down, J said he does NOT believe he cheated at all, even though it was against our boundaries--because he "felt no emotional connection and was unattracted to her". But then again he also said, if he WAS attracted "he'd be fighting for me less." J went on to say he "still loves and cares about me" and "was thinking about me while getting his lapdances". I'm confused. J suddenly changes his views after he KNOWS screws up. But if it were vise versa, he said he'd be equally upset if I were half naked on another man. Please help. I love him but I'm disgusted by him now. I'm unsure what I'm asking but I'm unsure where to go from here.
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cheated on me, drunk, flirt, jealous, kissing, lapdance, long distance, military, stripper, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 June 2015):
 I agree with you OP.
A guy can say NO to having a lap dance. IF his PEERS (who by the way are all ADULTS not teenagers) teases him or calls him "whipped" he should know that it's not ABOUT being whipped, it's about respect.
What the anon male is suggesting is honestly a bit ridiculous, it's like saying if one guy wants to skinny dip in lava every around him HAS to do the same.. Or just off a bridge/cliff... At some point in a GUYS life he has to STAND for something. He has to be... a DECENT human being. Like being a RESPECTFUL partner and LIVING UP to the boundaries HE in fact agreed on. It's not hard.
My husband served 26 years in the Army, he went to SEVERAL stag/bachelor parties (some at strip clubs) and NEVER once did he spend money on a lap dance or "get" a lap dance. Many of his younger guys and gals didn't either. I remember one groom simply refusing to sit on stage and get "lap dances" because he KNEW his fiance would not like the idea. One of the single dudes "volunteered" instead and they still had plenty of fun. Some married couples go and "buy" each other a lap dance, but not everyone is OK with that. OP's BF KNEW it was not OK, he just didn't GIVE a rat's ass. My guess? He held the idea that it's EASIER to beg forgiveness than ask permission.
It's like saying no to drugs or alcohol. Been there, done that. Been teased a little for saying no, it didn't change my mind. It's NOT hard.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous...I could understand that. If it were just one dance. But for one, one guy refused a lap dance. He could have also. Second, after taking one....he could have stopped cause he now joined in the fun already. But he decided to buy 5 more. Thats not peer pressure. Thats self gratification. Moreover, he'd be HIGHLY upset if I had a naked guy rubbing his genitals on me. Double standards are a no-go in my lane. Period.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): There can be a big difference between one man going to a strip club alone, versus a guy going there with a group of friends. Put a bunch of guys together and it makes it more likely. It also makes it less of an exercise in sexual gratification and more of a "night out with the guys" male bonding thing. You can call this making excuses for cheating. But I am not the one who cheated. In fact I don't even like strip clubs much. I'm still saying this. Put several guys together, and if the idea gets into the air then pretty soon there is literally peer pressure to go. Nobody wants to be the "whipped" one to say no. (And we don't mind seeing some naked chicks either. Sue us.) The same attitude carries out to lap dances and things like that. I am not saying you have to like it. I'm not saying you have to accept him going to strip clubs at all. But I am trying to explain it. You should not look at this like a man buying a prostitute alone in a hotel room or something. If that's how you are reacting then you are probably way off the mark about the whole thing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 June 2015):
Just remember don't be bitter over this. Don't beat yourself up either.
BE GLAD you found out now. Because he would have done this AFTER a wedding ceremony complete with lovely vows as well, and used the SAME excuse.
While it's a shame it took him THAT long to show his real self... At least it was BEFORE you made HUGE changes and sacrifices to your life and career.
Chin up, not all Joes are that dumb!
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (18 June 2015):
Ah,
I missed that statement. Sorry. Re-reading it, yeah - definitely dump his sorry ass. He's not worth the pain and aggravation. That kind of statement really opens up your eyes to what you can expect in the future, which would be more of the same.
I can't (ok - yes I can, but it pisses me off) anyone would actually approach a relationship with that kind of attitude.
You deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, empty thank you so much for yout responses. They mean so much!Empty...you're right about attraction. I know that. What caught me offguard though was when he said he'd essentially stop fighting for the relationship if he found a pretty woman. I can understand admiring someone's beauty. But to drop me just because of that.... talk about feeling like used toilet paper.As far as PERSONAL CHOICES,I thought he was aware til I remembered his repetition of answers: "I didnt mean for it happen. It was a mistake," "people eff up", "I know I screwed up" "Things happen Im sorry." "blame the environment, the alcohol, my stupidity", "I was stupid, I'm sorry". "You're going to dump me just cause you promised you would if something like this happened. We love each other. After all our memories, good times and love, you really want to throw us away?"
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (18 June 2015):
We are ALL capable of both great good and great evil. It is our CHOICES that make us who we are.
He CHOSE to behave in the way he did. IF he got drunk and ran over someone in his car, the excuse of "I was drunk" or "I have a bad side" would not cut the mustard.
.
(for your reference The "loophole" we referred to is that the agreement as you spelled it out in your original post did not specifically forbid strip clubs)
I -DO- want to warn you a little about your expectations. While it is 100% reasonable to expect your significant other to stick to an agreement the two of you make, it is not AT ALL reasonable to expect it to be effortless or automatic. Your statement below:
"Now I feel lied to. I feel like the person he let go is the real him. And who I've been seeing thus far was his (fake) representative. I mean cause whoever you really are comes naturally. If you have to FORCE being faithful...you're not faithful :("
Don't feel lied to. We ALL put our best foot forward when meeting new people, or starting a relationship. What came out -is- a part of who he is, but so, too is the part you saw before then. They all go in to the whole, just like you have some parts of yourself that you don't allow to represent you to the world. There must be times when you're frustrated or angry that you bite back sarcastic or hurtful comments. That's a part of your whole self that you're suppressing.
The thought that if you have to force yourself to be faithful it isn't faithful - that's backwards. If it's easy and automatic, then there wouldn't be infidelity and similar problems. The person who CHOOSES to act, or not act, when temptation is easier than principal - that's how we define and appreciate true faithfulness.
There is this romantic illusion that if we can only find "the one" then we will never even want to cheat, never even be attracted to anyone else. This illusion is a lie. It is a lie that was created roughly 200 years ago, just as romantic love was becoming as important a reason to marry as practical and logistical concerns. It was created to try and control the sexuality of women. It failed, but it persists nonetheless. Believing this lie is a huge part of why infidelity is rampant in todays western cultures. If we think we won't want to cheat when we're with "the one" then when we find ourselves attracted to someone else, we're unprepared. We don't see the choice before us clearly. Either this desire means we're not with our "one true love" or it means there's something evil, wrong, or bad within our self. Either of those two conclusions leads to giving in to temptation, when seeing the choice clearly would have prepared us to face this challenge and choose the high road.
You need to have a frank conversation with him about CHOICE. Understand that YOU will be attracted to other men at some point in the future. Understand that HE will be attracted to other women. Lay it on the line, and let him know that you will hold him responsible for his CHOICES.
This was no accident. I don't care how drunk he got - you don't "accidentally" pay for a lap dance, then "accidentally" get escorted to the separate area where that happens, then "accidentally" have a seat and let the stripper "accidentally" grind on you for the next several minutes. This was a choice, and he chose to ignore his agreement with you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 June 2015):
I don't think you should feel bad or lied too. The whole "I have a bad side" is what I'd call an "implant" something he will tell you and IF he messes up, he can claim that it was "the bad side" that came out... COP OUT.
I don't think he FORCED himself to be anything around you. YOU brought out the DECENT guy in him. YOU did. Going to a strip club doesn't make him "bad". It makes him thoughtless, disrespectful and immature. I mean seriously, to PAY for some desperate woman to take her clothes off and shake her ass? How immature is that?
5 lap-dances isn't a mistake. IT's a choice. A choice made 5 times and payed for in cold hard cash.
It's in a WAY a good thing that this came out now, BEFORE marriage. BEFORE you two made that commitment to each other and your career paths.
I have seen it so often with dual military couples that the woman gives up HER career choices for her husband's. IF the military is something YOU have thought of long term, well now is the time to consider your path seriously. Without having to consider relocating to his base/post.
THIS is part of who he is. Careless, immature and somewhat inconsiderate.
Doesn't matter if the stripper looked like a dog or a goddess. HE chose to PAY for her (and one more stripper) to GRIND on his crotch.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel bamboozled. he told me early in tgr relationship that he suppresses a bad part of himself. ..for my sake... 'so that I wouldn't run away." He suppressed it all these years til that night at the strip club.
Now I feel lied to. I feel like the person he let go is the real him. And who I've been seeing thus far was his (fake) representative. I mean cause whoever you really are comes naturally. If you have to FORCE being faithful...you're not faithful :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. I wanted to give you an update.We were discussing this. He told me repeatedly that it was a mistake, an accident, an event caused by his stupidity. And he reminded me thay he loves me and believes we're soulmates. But J said something that disturbed me. He said he thought the stripper was unattractive but if she were pretty, he'd fight for our relationship less and would probably be attracted to other women also.We were just talking marriage a month prior to this! In the beginning of our relationship he told me he had a bad side and suppressed it to 'not scare me away.' That night after nearly 3 yrs id when he said he stopped suppressing. I truly feel lied to. Like I have a Jekyl and Hyde type man as far as character. if that's how he feels about pretty women....there's no point in being together. I said that and of course he said thats not what he meant. But that cant be misinterpretted.He told me this was the second time he went to the strip club with friends. The first time he didnt drink so nothing happened. This time he got very drunk....and he hardly drinks. I had to nearly beg him to drink with me during our vacation!I dont get why he'd test my boundaries now after these many years. Or break my trust and tell me he thinks we're soulmates.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@honeypie and empty- what loophole are you referring to?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): He made a conscious CHOICE to disrespect YOU and your RELATIONSHIP.That is all you need to know.Of course he is going to minimize his behaviour and try to do some damage control. He wants to have some fun on the side while keeping old faithful.This shows his CHARACTER. It isn't pretty is it? You are furious with good reason. You KNOW what he is capable of. You KNOW what kind of character he has, or lack of it.There are GOOD GUYS out there who know how to behave themselves in strip joints. Granted they shouldn't be there in the first place but if they must, they can just have some drinks and talk to the guys with a few eyefuls of the entertainment.Your boyfriend crossed the line, not once, not twice, not three times, not four times BUT FIVE TIMES????? With TWO different women????This was not a lapse in judgment.This was deliberate and calculated. Using booze as an excuse is not acceptable in his case!This was a slap in the fact to you and your relationship.It shows how much he really values what you have together. Which he clearly does not.If he valued what you have, he would never ever do anything that could jeopardize your relationship.He knew what he did was wrong. But he did it anyway. WHY? Because he is selfish. His needs come first. He was smug enough to think he could water down his behaviour and you would come around. Basically there is no excuse.He has shown you he IS capable of cheating. And how can you ever trust him again?Even if you did give him a second chance, you would never be able to trust him again. Even if you tried as hard as you could. That lack of trust and your resentment and perpetual suspicion of him will eventually destroy what little would be left of your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): My dear, DO NOT buy into this. He will more than likely not change his habits. I personally find it offensive that he's trying to validate what he did by telling you that he was thinking of you. How smug of him! I don't normally give advise unless it comes from personal experience. I was told the same after a similar scenario and because I continued in the relationship, only set myself up for more heartbreak. Please realize that you deserve better. I found it so heartwarming when on a TV show that I was watching last night there was a young couple who had recently gotten engaged and to the world the man said "she is the only one for me and the only one I want to be with." This is the way it should be when you truly love a person and not someone who shoves other women down your throat and then tries to justify his behavior. Don't let him put doubts in your mind as to what's appropriate because deep down inside we all know what is. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, mfj78  +, writes (17 June 2015):
Wow I will have to remember that one form his hilarious book of excuses!
Maybe I could say to my partner: "Hey hunny, last night when I was pounding some old slapper whos name ive forgotten, there was not only no emotional connection AND guess what lover...I was thinking about you!" Im sure my GF will be eating out of my hand...NOT!
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (16 June 2015):
Normally, I'm the guy who steps up to defend this sort of entertainment as pretty much harmless.
However, Honeypie is absolutely correct. He thought he was too clever for you, and found a 'loophole' in the agreement the two of you made. If this is how he's going to behave, you're better off without him.
When we make agreements with our partners, it is because our emotional well being is at stake. We let them know where the limits of our self assured strength lie. It is -NOT- ok to then stick to the letter of such an agreement, while spitting all over the spirit of that agreement.
He knows he was wrong. He hopes that by offering you the honesty to tell you up front, and mixing some cute little justification in to boot, you'll let him off the hook.
So do, take him right off the hook, and drop him back in the water, and find yourself some other fish to eat your bait.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (16 June 2015):
 What a crock. The ONLY way he'd be thinking of you during a lap dance is if you do that for him on a regular basis when you two are together. I didn't think so either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2015): This is laughable. It's not cheating because he thought of you and wasn't attracted to them?! Seriously, what are you gaining from him being in your life other than hassle. You can do better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 June 2015):
Oh what a thing to say! "was thinking about me while getting his lapdances" and "felt no emotional connection and was unattracted to her" SO WHY GET a lapdance, if he rather focus on you? Why get a lapdance if she was so unattractive?
Those have GOT to be some of the MOST bogus excuses I have heard in connection to strip clubs.
He could have gone there and NOT spend a dime. (except the cover charge and maybe a beer) BUT he chose to PAY for a stripper to grind on him. Correction - he chose to PAY for 5 lapdances from 2 strippers....
Sorry, next he will find another excuse for having sex with someone. Like.. "I only put it in a little..." so it doesn't count...
Are strip clubs really the only place he can go with his buddies to have fun?
It will happen again. And I'll tell you why. HE DOESN'T think he did anything wrong. HE thinks he found some little "loop-hole" in your boundaries agreement. Which is really immature. HE knew it was one of those thing you would NOT like for him to do. HE knew. He did it anyways thinking the loop-hole & alcohol will get him out of hot water. What is he? 5?
Personally I'd walk.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 June 2015):
 Personally I find the "was thinking about me while getting his lapdances" excuse the most hilarious. Nice try Dude heh heh
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A
female
reader, Questing for Love +, writes (16 June 2015):
 I don't have a definite answer for you but I do want to point out the fact that he DID choose to tell you up front about what he did, when he had every chance to simply keep it a secret and never let you find out.
I had a friend that met a guy online and like you guys they were several hours apart and only got a few chances to meet up. A ways into their relationship he told her he was at a party and got too drunk and knocked a girl up. She was pissed. However she forgave him because he had the decency to tell her rather than hide it behind her back. And now they are still together 6 years later and they have a son and are engaged.
However like I said I have no definite answer for you, just wanted you to think of it in another perspective. You do what feels right.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (16 June 2015):
Being honest, I think you can do much better than him. He's trying to justify his behaviour with all these different excuses, but the fact is he agreed to certain rules then broke them. Having no emotional connection to the woman is irrelevant - would he still argue it was ok to have full sex without an emotional connection? Because that is equally possible for many people. Doesn't mean it's not cheating.
I know many people disagree with me on this, but to me paying for a lap dance is definitely cheating UNLESS you have the type of relationship where that sort of thing is either explicitly agreed or allowed with anyone at any time (ie an open relationship). Some people seem to think the fact that money changes hands makes it ok or 'just entertainment', whereas I think it makes it worse if anything. Particularly when he's claiming he didn't even like the women afterwards - urgh!
As for the whole 'he'd be fighting for me less' thing - seriously?! So if he found someone he IS attracted to he'd just cheat and let you go?! And that's his defence??
Honestly I would run not walk from this one.
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