A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What does everybody think of tracking your boyfriend or girlfriend's whereabouts on the Find My Friends App on iPhone? Where you use GPS to know exactly where they are on a map (or where their phone is) at any given time throughout the day... unless they hide their location.Advantages?Disadvantages?Anyone had any experiences with it?Anyone find it creepy? But what if permission is given?BF wants to prove to me he is being faithful so he suggested I track him. He doesn't want me to worry.He is ALSO TRACKING MY LOCATION on my iPhone. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Prettywoman78 +, writes (18 June 2015):
Thank you Tisha. :)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (18 June 2015):
 http://cpancf.com/articles_files/jealousyinrelationships.asp
Bottom line on this article is to seek counseling in cases of extreme jealousy.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/110113-characteristics-insane-jealousy-relationship/#page=1
Bottom line: get counseling.
http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/emotionalhealth/Pages/Overcomingjealousy.aspx
That page also recommends counseling.
Wikipedia has a write up on it:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morbid_jealousy
...............................
A
female
reader, Prettywoman78 +, writes (18 June 2015):
It's the OP.
But Tisha, he has ALLOWED it.
In fact, he was the one who suggested it.
It does nothing anyway. He could leave his phone at home and go out and do whatever he wants while I think he is at home.
No point.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 June 2015):
OP, you are the Canadian woman in her thirties who has been dating an older married man for the past 2 years. The sex is great, he'll never leave his wife. He's been a hairdresser, a dance instructor among other careers in your multiple posts on him. He goes out of the country from time to time and fails to keep in close contact
You've been getting more and more paranoid that he's cheating on you, his mistress, for the past few months, based on your multiple posts about the situation.
So now you've essentially decided to dart him, tag him, put a radio transponder on him to track him like he's an endangered species you're trying to monitor.
OP, you don't seem to realize that your expectation that he accounts to you all his daily activity is over the top. It's abnormal. It's invasive. It's controlling.
The irony is that you are the other woman! You are acting like a jealous wife.
You seriously need a reality check. And counseling.
...............................
A
female
reader, Prettywoman78 +, writes (18 June 2015):
One more thing...
I see him tonight.
Should I ask him why he hid his location?
Or let this one slide??
...............................
A
female
reader, Prettywoman78 +, writes (18 June 2015):
Ok. I had to register to post other answers as I was over my daily limit! LolIt's the OP.To answer you HoneyPie, he has not cheated on me to my knowledge. I have no evidence of him ever doing so. But that does not mean that he has never cheated. Some people are very good at hiding things.I think he is capable of it. But I love him. This is the reason I still hang in. This is the reason he still hangs in. We both care about one another. To the Male Anons (same person?)there is nothing wrong with me. I do not need counselling nor am I psychotic, unravelling or paranoid without reason. To Tisha, no I am not an abuser. I should be the one leaving him. Not the other way around.Let's just say that he did something in the past that caused my mistrust. Nothing to ME personally but to someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 June 2015):
 OP has he ACTUALLY cheated on you? And you took him back? Or as far as you KNOW (for a fact) has he NOT cheated on you ?
That part you left out.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2015): "So then the next time he hides his location he could actually BE CHEATING and come up with some explanation, right?"
Or most likely he could actually NOT be cheating and just wants to get you off his back for a couple of hours, which was actually Cindy's point.
"Why even bother?"
That's what your boyfriend should have said months go.
Sorry OP, but you seem to be unraveling with each successive post. I can only suspect your extreme paranoia is a response to some past traumatic event. Please seek counseling as this level of distrust and suspicion is not healthy and needs to be addressed.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 June 2015):
OP, you've gone off the deep end.http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.htmlRead that. You are the one who is the controlling jealous freak. Your need to know where he is at all times is pathological. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201004/are-you-emotionally-abusiveGet professional counseling help ASAP. You are now an abuser. Stop it!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2015): "Did he actually purposely hide his location? WHY?"Yes. He wanted to enjoy a few hours of peace, and since he knew that you'd tear into him no matter what he said he wisely chose to postpone subjecting himself to your inevitable tirade until after he had finished playing golf. "Or is this all in my head? Like always? And I am the nut case???"Yes. Yes. YES!!!"Could he not have been honest and have said 'Honey, I am going to go play golf with so and so later????'"Not if he wanted to enjoy a few hours of peace. "Surely, he would know I would check up on his location! So why would he be idiotic enough to make me upset by hiding it?????"Because he's idiotic enough to think he can ever appease a disrespectful, contemptuous, pathologically suspicious girlfriend who ALWAYS thinks the worst of him no matter what he says or does.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2015): Hi CindyCares. Thank you for your answer. :)It's OP.So then the next time he hides his location he could actually BE CHEATING and come up with some explanation, right?What is the point of being traceable if you want to be untraceable?Transparency means being visible all the time.He's gotta be smart enough to know the minute he HIDES his location he will send WARNING BELLS off! And I will get very upset and question him ANYWAY... for HIDING his location and wondering what he was UP TO!The better way to have handled it is to have been UP FRONT, period. "Honey, I am going to go play golf for a few hours with so and so. I need to practice for my upcoming tournament". (which is true). He handled it all wrong!He has upset me even more now.And I have a right to be upset.He could even have said that it isn't what I suspect of him playing with clients etc. That I could come check up on him if I want etc.He should have fully disclosed the truth.HIDING and trying to cover up is what cheaters do! And this is the very thing I am TERRIFED of him doing to ME!And...It does not matter whether what he was doing was legit or not - it is the PERCEPTION!! Doesn't anyone agree?Sort of like FB. You are out in the open with your friends but have restricted lists, privacy options coming out of your eyeballs...Seems like opposing views. Sharing vs. Hiding. Why even bother?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 June 2015):
 Because he is not trying to be transparent. He is only tryng to appease you, to calm you down, to have some respite from your jealousy. So, he offers you the token gesture of making himself traceable, a gesture that gives you the illusion of being in control and gets him some peace and quiet, but he does it knowing fully well that when he does NOT want to be tracked down, all he's got to do is to hide his location, then he has a few hours to come with a believable ,well thought of explanation.
( It makes more sense like that, after all. I don't think there's anybody that would subject himself to be treated FOR REAL like a dangerous criminal, when he is not ).
Does this mean that he was up to no good on that golf course ? was he cheating with a sexy golf pro ?
Oh no, I don't think so. I'd bet he was not. I'd bet he was actually just playing golf and enjoying himself.
.. But so, why the mystery, the hiding ? Could he not just have told you : I am going to play golf for a few hours ?...
Come on, he knows you , and you know yourself :).
Would you have just left it at that, with a " have fun " ?, or would you have started freaking out , and asked him whom was he playing with, and to PROVE that he was really playing with his friend Dr. Smith, and not with some sexy female golfer. ? Or, you would have started bitching about why if he had 3 more free hours, could he not come back at yours and spend that time with you, rather than ditching you for Dr. Smith, etc.etc...
You probably would have found , seen the general trend of your post and apparently of your thoughts, some way to make drama - and hiding his location bought him, at least so he thought, some precious drama free time.
And he can do that any time he needs and wants ! , he just needs to come up with some excuse later - while still officially having made the great ,noble gesture of making himself findable 24/7.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2015): Know what he did to me tonight, Honeypie? It's OP.Can you advise me on this?I am bothered by it. Is it over reacting. CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME? If I am being an idiot, I want to know!He got home and had dinner after spending the day with me.I saw on FMF app that his current location was not current. It was his home address (which was his LAST KNOWN location before he HID IT?) and it showed him at the home address one hour ago, then two hours ago and then it defaulted back to location unavailable after two hours. And it kept saying location not available for three hours... UNTIL.. I texted him to ask him a question or rather find out what was going on? If he would answer my text and why his location was undetectable on FMF for three hours and counting. It has never been this way before. Not once.He texted back after 10 minutes or so. I asked him if his phone was working. He said yes and why. I just left it and said maybe it was my phone having problems.BUT... I am not sure how to proceed.My insecurity, which I have and have had all along, is asking me why would he HIDE his location for three hours from me if he is trying to be TRANSPARENT?It turns out he was on the GOLF COURSE.And funny how right after I texted him, that his location jut magically appeared on FMF??? (When it was mysteriously unavailable for three hours previous?) And that is when I knew he was at a golf course???Is this strange to you?Could it be cause some female clients asked him to play golf once or twice and I told him if he did I would end it?He knows I worry. What he did only makes me worry more. Did he actually purposely hide his location? WHY?Or is this all in my head? Like always? And I am the nut case???Could he not have been honest and have said "Honey, I am going to go play golf with so and so later????"But no..... he said nothing!!!!Surely, he would know I would check up on his location! So why would he be idiotic enough to make me upset by hiding it?????
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 June 2015):
I think saying that because the technology is available we should use it is SUCH a cop out.
OP you NEED to deal with these issues and insecurities because even though you can track him from here to Timbuktu, it WILL not make you trust him more.
If he has NEVER given you REAL reasons to those accusations, then WHY ACCUSE HIM? If he HAS cheated WHY stay with him?
I know that transparency CAN help people who CHOOSE to remain together after infidelity, but to DEMAND it without proper cause "just because it's available" is nuts in my book.
Then why not take it steps further? Put a hidden voice activated recorder in his car? Hack his e-mail? Snoop through his phone every day he gets home? And compare it to an itemized bill from his carrier to ensure he hasn't deleted anything? Or put a key-logger on his phone you OP can see what he has typed letter for letter?
THOSE are all possible today with the tech available. DOESN'T mean we should do it.
OP your current man might have the patience of a Saint (if he NEVER did any if the things you have accused him of) but it's not going to last, sooner or later he will realize that a relationship without TRUST is not going to last. That he DESERVES to NOT be treated like some criminal on house arrest.
Using tech to check up on him is like putting a band aid on a cut wrist. It's pointless. At some point you will get to a place where checking his location isn't enough to FEED the insecurities and your imagination. Then what? Lock him up in the basement?
DEAL with the REAL issue.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): Male Anon, you are right. Those days of our parent's long term and one time marriages of 50 plus years are over.And think about it, just cause they stayed married for life does not mean the marriage was "happy" nor the people in it "perfect" nor the relationship "problem free."What this couple is showing is for SOME REASON they want to stay together and are doing what they can to NOT break up. My guess is they truly care about each other deep down and are hoping to work out their issues of mistrust. But that will always be an uphill battle for them in their relationship or any relationship where there is distrust. But it is doable if both parties are willing. And if tracking each other adds to their peace of mind under the circumstances, then why not?The technology is available nowadays and we are taking advantage of it. In the old days, it didn't exist but IF it did, I am sure it would have been utilized all the same.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): This is ridiculous. You shouldn't be with each other if you are resorting to tracking each other. Don't get into another relationship until you've had some counselling and worked through any trust issues so they are not repeated in future relationships. Tracking each other like that is crazy.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2015): Male anon responding to female anon:"Ever think the GUY could be at fault in some way?"Yes. As a guy, my first instinct is usually to suspect the guy is at fault because a lot of guys are lying cheating controlling abusive scumbags and my initial response was based on the assumption he had suggested tracking as a way to cover-up his possible cheating and/or exert control over her.OP responded by saying she who had "driven him to this point [suggesting they track each other] with a year and a half of accusations of him cheating" without indicating she had any basis to make such accusations while specifically saying she never believes him or takes his word, and I modulated my opinion based on her additional input. But as subsequent responses pointed out, this is likely a relationship based on mutual distrust fostering with irrational behavior on both sides. As someone who is admittedly old and out of touch, I must confess that I simply don't understand why so many posters, male and female, go to such extremes in order to cling to unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships when there is such an obvious (to me, anyway) solution: BREAK UP and find someone compatible.But then I'm the product of a lifetime first-and-only marriage of two loving, mature, stable, nurturing parents so I had the tremendous advantage of having two strong role models who demonstrated on a daily basis the benefits of a relationship based on mutual respect, understanding and consideration. My responses sometimes seem harsh because I'm applying my parents' standards to people who aren't fortunate enough to have had such an example set for them. Adults live what they learned as children and sadly many have never witnessed first-hand what true love should entail.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2015): Well Male Anon who suggested counselling for the OP whom you call "irrationally hostile" with "groundless accusations..."
Think it's all HER fault, do you?
Ever think the GUY could be at fault in some way?
Maybe he is emotionally unavailable, self centered, is a colossal flirt, does not give her enough attention or time or make her feel special or neglects her... Who knows?
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 June 2015):
 You will never be at peace with this guy or the next one until you address the root of this problem. Your own insecurities will sabotage every relationship until you come to terms with them. Raising self esteem is a long road but it is quite possible especially if you get some professional counseling. Seek it out and do yourself a great favor.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2015): That is the creepiest thing I've ever heard! I never felt so much comfort in knowing that I have no smart phone and regularly go to remote areas where there is no signal. If anyone wants to know where I am they will have to do the good old fashioned 'ask me and trust what I say'. I can't understand why anyone would agree to being tracked like a piece of lost property. Sorry.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 June 2015):
Well, since you ask, yes, it's weird, very weird.
And ineffective two. For two reasons :
1 ) location does not prove loyalty. Even if he is where he is supposed to be, so what. If he is at work , he could be cheating with a colleague. If he's at his bank,or doctor's office, he could be hitting on the sexy cashier or sexy nurse - if he is at the bar or pub he normally patronizes, he could be up to no good with the bartender or a fellow customer, etc.etc. In case you think that most betrayals happen with exotic strangers just passing by, surrounded by a cloud of mystery - it's not like this. People tend to cheat with persons belonging to their same social circle.
He could have the perfect excuse for being where he is, and STILL be cheating on you.
2) Let's take this surveillance even further , and let's suppose that you can fit him with an electronic anklet- in fact, let's suppose that you can keep him at house arrests , under lock and key. No possible escape- no way he can cheat.
Would this brand of faithful make you happy ? Would you be content with knowing he is not cheating on you- because he has no alternative ,since you are watching him like a hawk ?
That he is faithful to you not because he wants but because he MUST ?... They say that virtue that was never tempted is not even virtue...
Then you say that you track him- and he tracks you . Which is doubly weird, I think one tracker in a couple is werd enough, but two ?!.. Unless it's precisely THIS that keeps you together , a pathologic insecurity, and obsession with being in control.
I guess one should say, you've found your half apple, cntrol freak with control freak ,so if you both enjoy it like this, good for you . Then again, perhaps, a better solution would be if neither of you attempted to be in a relationship ( with each other or with anybody else ) until you have become functional again, and capable to carry on one in emotionally healthy and socially acceptable ways.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (16 June 2015):
 Weren't you going to leave this guy?
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (16 June 2015):
 You're basically asking if it's OK to stalk each other?
Well, in this world its not, but maybe in some parallel universe where there's absolutely no notion of love, understanding, faith and most importantly trust in a relationship...I'd say go for it!
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 June 2015):
 Seriously??! If you have to resort to internet stalking your significant other in this fashion, then you fail at everything that has to do with self-confidence.
Whomever you choose as a boyfriend, if he or she is a cheater, they will cheat whether or not you are hyper stalking or whether or not you're fully satisfied with life.
The only true sadness is what paranoia and insecurity will do to a faithful partner. An unfaithful partner will be unfaithful no matter how much you freak out and put knots in your intestines. A faithful partner will be traumatized from insecure emotional baggage and will eventually stop enabling an obsessive insecure partner.
Life is too short to waste time tracking your significant other. The hysterical thing about this very subject is - my husband got himself stranded when our truck blew a tire last week. I texted "where are you"? when he texted me his hardship. GPS automatically pinpointed his exact position. I was like WTF?!? (backstory, we just joined 2015 with Iphone 6's...I still hate texting!). I called AAA to his position, and then tortured him about visiting his "mistress" for the 20 minutes it took for help to get to him.
Do not blow a good relationship by being paranoid. Cheaters will cheat no matter what...good guys who are keepers will run like hell and kick you to the curb.
Your boyfriend is about to leave you because of your behavior.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2015): Previous male anon responding to OP's follow-up."I have driven him to this point with a year and a half of accusations of him cheating. They are constant."You neglected to mention that pertinent bit of information.If you are indeed the one making groundless accusations then he's the fool for even thinking he can ever pacify a pathologically suspicious chick who treats him such disrespect and contempt, because you will ALWAYS invent reasons to justify your paranoia. "It is his last ditch effort to prove to me he is innocent as I never believe him or take his word."He could let you stuff a GPS up his ass while keeping his dick on a leash and his balls in a jar and that still wouldn't be enough "proof" to stop you from falsely accusing him of cheating. I would have dumped you months ago and I can only hope that he will finally wise up in the not-too-distant future. I would suggest you seek counseling as you need to get to the root of the deep-seated insecurities that driving you to be so irrationally hostile.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2015): Hi Male Anon. It's the Op of the question.
No, I don't agree. I have driven him to this point with a year and a half of accusations of him cheating. They are constant. He has only agreed to this after continuous harassment you can say, on my part. I say I worry all the time and will leave him if I worry so much. It is his last ditch effort to prove to me he is innocent as I never believe him or take his word. He just doesn't know what to do anymore to prove his innocence so he has suggested this.
And he has always said he has nothing to prove because he is innocent and has never done anything wrong. He said you cannot prove a negative.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2015): Well, you know what stalking is. Need I say more?
The secret to a lasting relationship is learning to have trust. Real love is built on that foundation. Relationships don't get any better or stronger; just because you can instantly track a person's whereabouts. If they are the wrong person for you; it doesn't matter what they're doing, or who they're with, when they aren't with you.
Technology is creating a multitude of suspicious, intrusive, insecure people who don't have respect for the privacy; or the rights to freedom of others. Tracking down someone every move they make is very very very creepy. It is also obsessive and crazy.
It's what law enforcement does to keep track of criminals, terrorists, and offenders. Free people shouldn't have to worry about such intrusions on their privacy. It's good to keep track of pets and young children; because they require monitoring to keep them safe. They may wander and get lost. Grown-ups should have the freedom to move about, and feel trusted by the people they love and care about.
Even if it means taking a risk that they aren't 100% trust-worthy. I offer trust as it is earned and exchanged. Trust me, and I'll trust you.
We're all human beings. None of us are 100% trust-worthy, and ANYONE...INCLUDING YOURSELF... can have a moment of weakness and be unfaithful. How did mankind survive up to this point without tracking technology? Relationships thrived longer; because people had to submit to something as simple as "trusting" each other.
Insecure people have to cling and attach themselves to people like parasites; because they make it hard to be around them voluntarily. They smother and beg for constant reassurance. They chase normal people away; because more secure people see no reasoning for it.
I guess some people need more than their fair-share of attention, and crave constant proof somebody really cares. What's really sad, and even infuriating. Is the fact that regardless of how anyone they're with tries to affirm and demonstrate their fidelity; they are rewarded with spying and snooping by their partner. Insecure people may need "apps" to live by. They never get to really enjoy the peace and tranquility being truly loved brings. Just relaxing in the comfort of knowing, somebody cares. That's all I need.
I guess some folks think they can reinforce and secure love with technology. Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2015): The very suggestion that you track him so he can track you is a huge red flag.
Any boyfriend who feels the need to prove to his girlfriend that he's being faithful is very likely intending to cheat if he isn't already doing so. If he had nothing to hide then he'd have nothing to prove.
Any boyfriend who feels the need to track his girlfriend's location is very likely jealous and controlling, therefore potentially abusive.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 June 2015):
I find it invasive and creepy.
Knowing where he is (or rather his phone) doesn't PROVE a darn thing when it comes to being faithful. I think it will lull someone into a false sense of security knowing where their partner is.
BUT... I do understand that YOU might think knowing where he is will minimize the chance of cheating. I'm not sure I agree with that logic, as a cheater WHO wants to cheat will find a way around it.
I also think it end up making you feel a bit nutty, because you will constantly check up on him. IT IS NOT your job to monitor your partner. THEY need to BE accountable for THEIR own actions. You shouldn't HAVE to go through his phone or check his GPS to "ensure" he is not cheating.
But each to their own. Personally, I'm ALL for a micro chip in kids till they turn 18! Because KIDS are a parents responsibility and so is their safety. But partners/spouses? no.
I think it shows a HUGE lack of understanding the respect for privacy in a relationship.
...............................
|
