A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Alright, I need some advice on what I should do or say in this situation. Last night my boyfriend and I were talking about us getting married, Just the cutsie, lovey dovey conversation. Well to bring up a past problem, when I would go to bed my boyfriend would stay up until late playing video games and then right before he went to bed he would go onto porn websites and masturbate. He knew that I knew about that too, But he said that it was just a natural thing and he was just being a normal guy. Well I found out that whenever he didnt get sex from me, he would go and do that stuff. So it was like every other night. So anyways when me and him were in a good conversation last night I told him to answer my question and for him to be honest with me. What I asked him was, "does he prefer porn to having sex with me? his answer was "sometimes". He said that the only reason why he prefers it to sex sometimes is because when he wants just a quickie it is easier for him to do, so he doesnt have to work as hard and it just goes a lot quicker. I am really glad that he was honest with me but should I make a big deal out of this? I mean I must admit, I dont give him sex all of the time because I go to bed early and when he goes to bed I am fast asleep. So I feel kinda bad in that part because if I did give him sex pretty much every night then he wouldnt do the stuff that he does. So what can I do? How should I compromise with him? And was it wrong for him to say that sometimes he does prefer porn to sex because its quicker?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 September 2007):
 Porn over the actual thing is not the "because i'm a guy" thing.
A
male
reader, daglish  +, writes (26 August 2007):
 Quite odd that one can prefer porn to a vagina. Personally i do watch porn sometimes but when my sweetie is around even when she doesnt want to have sex, i can never watch porn or prefer it to her. I believe that guy is at a cronic stage and needs some concelling otherwise very soon he's gonna prefer the electronic nude ecstacy to the real raw you.
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A
male
reader, Gil-T +, writes (24 August 2007):
I AM THAT DUDE!!!lol I swear I am. And it an extremely perplex subject. It not only involves masturbation, but also potential porn addiction, sexual behaviors (possibly deviate), intimacy issues…All of which will have profound effects on both the relationship and the individual.
Let me start off by saying that was pretty fucked up of him to say he prefers porn over you, even sometimes. Yeah, its good that it was honest or whatever, but was it really honest? I don’t believe for a second that and man would pass up some sweet, wet, pussy for a dry, rough, hand. As a man, that makes no sense to me at all. I don’t care how tired I am; if a chick says come on—Im cummin! This in mind brings a question: when you said, “were in a good conversation…” what exactly did that mean. Some of the best conversations I have ever been a part of have been arguments. I wonder if he might have said it just for spite. Maybe you were not quite as tactful in your questioning as you could have been, and he took to offence.
I deal with the same problem as him. I stay up at night playing video games until my chick falls to sleep so I can jack-off in peace. In not proud of it, but its true, and I glad to hear that Im not alone in this vise; so, thank you for bringing this up.
I have been with my old lady for almost five years now. We have a twenty-four moth old son—the joy of my life. I am happy with almost every aspect of my relationship with my girl, but the one problem that I do have with it on my part seems a major one.
You see, when she and I first met she had a steady boy-friend, while I on the other hand was having fun playing the field. It was awesome because I knew we could have our fun and I could keep my freedoms because the risk of commitment between she and I was slim due to her prior engagement…So it was, and it was just what I needed. It was a total fuck-buddy relationship, but only the most convenient I had ever had the pleasure of being a part of.
Now don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t a slut; in fact I was the slut if the fingers to be pointed at all. She was just a young, beautiful twenty-two year old flower who had made her way from El Paso to Austin to graduate from UT. She and her dude had been together throughout high school he was her first. Anywho, he was getting pretty scummy to her and she had some heightened awareness that told her that he was unfaithful, so she opened up to me with all that and, me being the total asshole I am, I capitalized on the situation. It was beautiful! We worked together; we lived a block away from each other it was so convenient I would have been crazy not to at least try. And so it was, sex, sex, sex, sex and more sex (no strings mind you.)
My little black book began to quickly loose stock as she and I began to hang out more and more. I guess some of my more steady dates began to notice that there was obviously something keeping me from giving them the usual amount of attention so they also began to hold steadfast to some of there more attentive investments. I don’t blame them, we had a blast. I may not have been in love with them, but I did love each and every one of them for each of their very beautiful and unique qualities. I hope god blesses them all (cause if he doesn’t their going to burn in hell for all tha bad ass shit we did!!!lol) Yeah so any way, her dude must have felt the same kind of disconnect in their relationship, as she and I feel deeper and deeper for each other, so he finally threw in the towel.
So there we were, two people brought together by what I felt was just a basic human need for sex—but it turned out to be a want for love. There really is nothing in this world like a brand spankin new love…You know how people talk about that “new car smell” and shit like that, well I love that new girl smell, that new girl taste; that new girl face, a new set of eyes, a new cute nose, a new body to hold. I love girls!!! All of you, and Im sorry for that but maybe society should be sorry that I am forced to be sorry because my conscience has been beaten into submission by mans holier-than-though moral rules, laws and blah, blah, blah… Im getting side tracked aren’t I : )
Umm, where was I? Oh yes, that’s right—what was supposed to be strictly dickly turned into all lovey-dovey. That in its self wasn’t bad, not at all. I couldn’t have found a better partner to raise a child with in this world. She is a perfect specimen when searching out a woman to settle with and have a family, a house, the whole kit-n-ka-boodle, and Im sure that you also fit this description. Ill bet that you are probably one of the worlds most beautiful and decent human beings ever and that’s why your dude loves you to death Im sure. And that’s great, but if hes like me he needs a little duality. He needs his wife to be a saint but his lover to be a hard-core sinner.
I really did like what Sugar buns had to say on the topic, but Im afraid its just not quite that simple—particularly when she writes, “As far as how you can start getting in the mood, just remember sex is all about the attitude of feeling sexy and desirable.” It is not easy for a “saint” to be the dirty girl that we sometimes crave. Sometimes it just isn’t in them. But in the beginning it was different, or so he/we thought. I used to go to town on my chick and I thought, “Man what a bad ass chick!” but now that I think about it she wasn’t really doing anything special. I was just wrapped op in that phase of the relationship where everything was new and exciting. She would move to and hold any position I asked, but she did no directing of her own and took little initiative in the act. I guess that since it was all so new I somehow overlooked this fact and once realized; sex just kind of became very mechanical and routine.
I have brought this predicament to her attention time and time again. I have tried to be creative and I am actually more interested in having her try to become more so, but Im afraid its just not in her nature. I once asked her to go to the bed room and slip into something a little less comfortable and that just turned out to be a mess. I got frustrated because I thought she could have put a little more effort into it. To me all she did was put on some hills and one of my T-shirts, but to her I don’t know; she might have felt like Betty Paige in that little ensemble that I thought she just recklessly threw together with little regard to my need of something a little less ordinary. I don’t feel good about it. I now realize that that just isn’t in her nature, the whole porn star look/bad girl know how.
So what can you do? How should you compromise with him?
I don’t know what advise I could give other that this (as a man who seems to be going through something that sounds very similar to that of your guy):
I know for a fact that a chick knows a bad ass looking chick when she sees one. Mock her in the bed room one night, then mock another one on another night. Maybe imagine what that bad ass might be wearing for her dude and some of the things she might do to him behind closed doors; do that to us. Watch some porn to get a few ideas. Sometimes lace is nice, other times maybe a leather corset, or maybe just a bad-ass (Not cute, save the cute one for another night. Tonight were being bad!) thong you found at the mall. Find out what kind of shoes he really likes, let him pick out a pair you never let leave the house. Buy stockings, knee-highs, thigh highs—stockings of all kinds and colors; and don’t get stuck on color coding when your throwing them on. Be like a colorful butterfly (we guys are very visual beings, solid colors are good but so are mismatch.)
If you are willing to do all this (and it will be no easy task, it’s like asking you to become a different person all together), I suggest trying to take a stab at it on your own at first, so that it’s a surprise to him. Any extra bells and whistles you can come up with should be hidden. Maybe when he’s not around you can prance around in them and begin to get comfortable. Then once you have your own style ask him to give his suggestions on what he likes so that you can alternate between the kind of sexy-ass that you want to be when you want to be, and the kind of sexy-bitch he wants you to be when you want to be that for him (when he’s been a good boy.) Either way, there is no way that he is going to complain if you really feel sexy - because you will be, and a man never has a problem with a smooth chick (especially when it’s his gal.)
Another thing to keep in mind is that nothing like the words “No; Stop that; Im not going to do that; You know I don’t like that”, can bring an intimate/erotic moment to a screeching halt like these words, so try to stay away from anything close. You will never hear a porn star say, “Uh Uh! I don’t think so!”, “I am not going to put that ___ in my ___!”, or “You wanna/want me to what?! no way!”
To avoid such comments, while you are in four play mode (maybe your sucking him off) is the perfect time to tell him what you want to do (in the greatest detail possible; remember, were very visual) and to ask him what he’s interested in doing (it’ll be a kind of dirty talk, but remember—if he gets a little too dirty for you—its not to gross you out, it maybe something that he really likes.) The thing that usually tops my list is a soothing sensual bath, this way I can lick her down every which way till next Tuesday and not have a problem with and B.O. of funky tastes caused by. Get nice and clean so that you can get down and dirty ; )
If he needs something that is not your cup of tea, try to compromise. Say for instance: He wants anal and you terrified of it (I don’t know, maybe you love it [and in which case you need to hit me up privately so we can talk ; ) J/K ] I’m just saying as an example—you can apply this to any aspect of your potentially expanding sexual repertoire.), well before you blurt out no or gross or whatever moves you—compromise. Tell him you will allow him to play with your bottom if he allows you to play with his at the same time. I have never engaged in this particular act of fore play, but if it got me what I needed I would do it and smile. This is where you separate the men from the boys. If he’s a man and he has a manly need—he will perform any task to fulfill the need, while if he’s just being a dumb kid and he was “talking shop with tha boys” and overheard how great something is/feels and now wants to jump on the band wagon—he probably wont be as willing to man up and do what he needs to do to get it. In this case, he doesn’t deserve it, don’t give it to him.
I have taken up enough space on this page so I’ll let someone else have a crack at it. I hope I have helped out at least a bit. Im sure I have plenty more to say on the topic so if there’s anything else just hit me up and I’ll talk to ya. Good luck and take care.
Gil-T
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): Sometimes when your bf gets a sexual urge the first thing he thinks of is porn, and not you. That is not normal. Even if just once in a while, it's not normal.
This is not your fault ok? He has got a problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): I don't think it is normal or appropriate NO. I have been in a similar situation and it drove me nuts. He is addicted. That's not cool. There is no fair reason why he should prefer it to sex at all, even just occasionally. NO.
When I broke up with my porn addicted bf, I met someone else who really showed me what a normal guy should be like. And I realised how much time I wasted and how stupid I was to put up with that shit for so long. And I realised how wronged I was.
My new bf had a normal urge for real physical sex rather than porn. Always. Porn was ONLY an option when I was unavailable for a LONG time. That is ok.
But my ex bf was just like your bf. He would wait till I go to sleep and then look at porn. And he preferred it to sex. That is NOT NORMAL. I have been there. I am telling you, you can do better, and this is going to cause you a lot of grief.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (23 August 2007):
 The three answers from females below are exactly right. Its normal. Do you sometimes want to go shopping on your own and sometimes together?? Your relationship sounds fine - in fact better than fine - there's a lot of intimate honesty. Follow the advice of the girls below.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): I PERSONALLY see that the both of you have a sexual problem in your relationship. And if the truth were known, it's called Male-Premature-Ejaculation. Where he can't get it up or can't keep it up long enough to bring you to an orgasm. But then with those porn-sites he doesn't have to worry about his sexual performance, cause he only has himself to please. You would know what I'm talking about when you two do have sex, by the way his penis works during those Love-sessions.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (23 August 2007):
 Masterbating relieves tension. Some men need it to fall asleep especially when they're under stress. The reason your b/f said it was sometimes easier is just that -- there's no one else involved, no one you have to "get in the mood", no one you have to think about or worry about when performing. You just do it and get relief. Quick. Easy. Over with. Maybe you guys could compromise and have sex in the mornings. Also I'm wondering if his video games are actually creating a certain amount of tension. Some video games do hype you up a bit, and so they are actually causing him to feel like he needs that quick release before he can relax and fall asleep. Maybe if he'd try watching TV or reading something relaxing before bedtime, he'd be less likely to masterbate. As far as how you can start getting in the mood, just remember sex is all about the attitude of feeling sexy and desirable. It could be as simple as a new hairdo, or a new pair of sexy heels. Try to see yourself the way a total stranger (man) would if he saw you alone and then think about ways you can use your assets to turn your b/f on. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (23 August 2007):
 I bet it really hurt when you asked the question and he said sometimes to preffering porn and masturbation to sex with you, but we shoud remember that if we ask a question we may not like the answer and at least he was honest.
I myself sometimes want just a quickie, and if I have no partner then masterbation is the only option but if I do have a partner and one of us is tired or we both just want fast sexual gratification (does help you sleep) I will masterbate myself and he watch and join in and then I will do the same for him or give him oral sex or just watch him wank and talk dirty to him or play with myself while he watches, this is good clean fun and does not take long and then if only one of you wants it, only one of you has to have it.
When you do make love make sure it is quality and that it is loving and special.
If you can stomach it why not watch the porn with him, if not just tell him you will help him masterbate or watch, that will definatly turn him on and keep him in the bed and not downstairs in front of tv with you upstairs worrying.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (23 August 2007):
 Hi
Thats really not unusual you know. Guys and girls, sometimes find masterbation easier. Takes way less effort. Its when someone prefers it all the time thats a problem. You're not at that stage yet, and i dont believe you need to have sex every night, remember quality over quantity! There are going to be nights either of you are tired.
You need to spice up this sex life basically! Experiment a bit. Bring it back to life, and that will take some effort from both of you. But spice it up. Do some role play, dressing up, get into it, remember how you felt when you first met. Meet in a pub & pretend you dont know each other, that one is very popular!
Hope that helps a bit.
Good luck.
C xxxx
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