A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm so afraid right now.Here's a summary of what happened. I recently connected with my ex and we attempted to be intimate but he could not become aroused,he said it was because he was nervous and that he hadn't had sex in 4 years. I found it really strange but we eventually had intercourse the next day when he became aroused out of the blue.I wondered if he had taken Viagra or something. Everything happened so fast. I've know him since I was 16 I thought I could trust him and since he said he was celibate 4 years, we didn't use protection.A few days later he said he didn't wanna lose me again and had tears in his eyes but wouldn't say more.Anyway days later, he tells me he doesn't feel well and wants to see the doctor(he hates the doctor).but I ignored it.Finally today he confesses that the doctor said he might have herpes. I hung up on him and scheduled an appt with my doctor. She says if I haven't shown symptoms yet I might be okay but I'm still getting tested.I feel like he knew the whole time and that's why he was nervous! Maybe that's why he was celibate because he knew he had this condition? All kinds of thoughts are running through my mind.I feel betrayed hurt and angry.it all makes sense now how strange he's been acting.So my question is should I never speak to him again or how should I go about this conversation? Any advice would be appreciated I don't have anyone to talk to. I know I made a stupid mistake please I'm judging myself hard enough.
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celibate, herpes, my ex, viagra Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (27 July 2019):
 Having sex with an ex without a condom is just about the silliest thing you could do. I believe your story should be a cautionary tale not just for you but for anyone who's thinking of doing something similar!
Despite all this you're asking if you should speak to him again? Why?!! The guy may have given you herpes, he lied to you, put your health, your future sex life as well as future sex partners in jeopardy and you still want to speak to him? Why on earth!! If I were you I'd sue this guy!
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 July 2019):
 OP, that was very irresponsible of both of you. He may have known, but he may not have. Either way, you must always use condoms when you’re not ready for a pregnancy or STI. Trust doesn’t protect you from those.
I wouldn’t talk to him again and I’d focus on my health moving forward, but it’s not our choice what you do now. Though I remember seeing your irrational interest in whether he used viagra or not, so I think you may need to improve on that aspect of how you treat boyfriends, as well as always using condoms and birth control.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but it could have been an incurable disease because you weren’t being safe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2019): he knew and he didn't care. he's a terrible person.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2019): Well first let us keep our fingers crossed that your test results will come out negative. Let this be a lesson for never to have unprotected sex. Finally FGS kick this lying bastard out of your life.
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A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (26 July 2019):
 Hello again,
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but I must stress that trust is not enough when risking STDs and pregnancy! You *must* ALWAYS use condoms *and* birth control. Even if he didn’t have anything wrong, you could have become pregnant and the relationship falls apart with you an unprepared single mother. You have both been irresponsible, whether he knew about his herpes or not.
Now that that’s out of the way, I hope you find yourself clear of it and lesson learned without health consequences. It seems people are often reckless with their health and it’s disappointing because, whilst sex education needs improving worldwide, it’s online for all with internet access to find.
See your doctor in a month or so to confirm a potential diagnosis. My only advice is to move on from this *safely* and I personally wouldn’t stay with someone who probably knew and still didn’t tell me beforehand. Unfortunately, it’s not 100% his responsibility to have safe sex, even though it’s his responsibility to tell you if he knows he has an STD.
I’m sorry that there’s not much to advise in this situation, other than to see your doctor when they recommend and not have unsafe sex again until marriage or full commitment in a long-term relationship where you’ve both been tested.
Best of luck - I hope your results come back clear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2019): Aaah Cindy Cares pointed out you had posted before, i did wonder if it was the same lady from a few days ago...
I think you were questioning this man before this so something wasn't sitting with you, i did wonder the other day if there was more to this than just he couldn't get an erection. No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do but i have to wonder what made you break up all those years ago? It is rare for exes to get back together because lets face it there must have been reasons to split up in the first instance. I won't cover any more ground on this, the other agony aunts have pretty much covered it really.
I would say that while him having herpes isn't nice we are all human and we all make mistakes, however if and it seems he did he slept with you knowing that he had herpes personally i find just that mere fact enough to know he is selfish and wasn't thinking about you, he absolutely should have worn a condom!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2019): I believe he knew the whole time. Never take anything for granted in protection of your health and well-being!
You should use protection at all times with anyone you're intimate with who isn't your husband! That covers a lot of ground, and it's better safe than sorry! I'm wasting my time telling people to use protection, if you're going to have sex with partners that aren't your spouse; but a word to the wise is sufficient.
I truly pray everything is okay; and this is only a big scare for you. It will, however, make you more cautious about unprotected-sex! Herpes isn't the only STD you have to worry about! You have no idea what somebody did an hour ago, let alone the past four years!
If it turns out you are infected, I would urge you to press legal charges! The penalties for knowingly infecting people with a venereal disease have been reduced; but the laws differ from state to state. I would definitely sue him!
If the court demanded his medical records they would know precisely when he was first diagnosed and treated for the condition.
My partner and I get full-battery tested every bi-annual physical; just to show to each other to prove we are safe. We don't have to, but we do it out of love; and it will act as a deterrent and reminder when temptation comes along. If you love him or her, keep them safe!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 July 2019):
 Oh yes, he knew. You thought that he could not get an erection for lack of attraction to you, and he said, no, it's just nerves. Which is true. Being nervous can prevent erection. Only, in this case most probabaly he was not nervous because of performance anxiety, but because he had a guilty conscience, which is another thing which can make people very nervous.
Yes, it was a mistake, no nned to beat yourself up now, and no use for that- but learn from it- learn to use some common sense , possibly, even when sexually aroused. Why did you think it was OK to " reconnect " without a condom ? just because he told you he had been celibate 4 years ? First, what people say is not always necessarily the truth (... indeed, with you this guy has lied by omission ) . Second, even if you were dealing with the sincerest man in the world, so what if he was celibate 4 years ? What about 4 and a half years ago, what about 5 years ago etc... ? You said in another post you broke up several year ago, - even if he has been celibate for the last 4 of these years, he might have been infected before ( he was, apparently ). In short, you should have used protection, - and you know it. What is done is done, so k, don't beat yourself up, but be smarter in future.
As for this guy, well it's up to you, I guess it all depends from what you can stomach. If it were me, I would not want anything more to do with this cad. If you feel hurt and betrayed, it's because he HAS hurt and betrayed you, and personally I would not forgive him at all. But maybe you are a more forgiving type than I.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (26 July 2019):
Hi Op,
I have to be blunt because of this your statement here...
"So my question is should I never speak to him again or how should I go about this conversation?"
You almost sound sorry for him, and wondering if things can still work.
You never go back to an EX...unless it is to reunite with a husband or wife. Why? Marriage is a complete investment for life. Boyfriends and girlfriends are your attempts to get yo marriage. If that does not work out, you move on to the future, never going backwards. You have proof of why you don't go back.
Yes he knew, and still he did not warn you. If you had gotten pregnant, you can pass on herpes to your baby. So not only woulpd he have screwed your life, he would have done it to your child as well...and for what??
I know you were hoping to have someone in your life, and this was the furthest thing you could have expected. But love, this is your life he is playing with. There are no take backs here, or no amount sorry he could give you to make things better. So since it's your life...step up and take control of it, and get away from people who can affect your life in a negative way.
We all make stupid mistakes... LEARNING from them is the key.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 July 2019):
 IF he had told you would you have had sex with him?
And why on Earth didn't you use protection anyways? I get that you thought he wouldn't LIE to you, but saying he was celibate for 4 years isn't the same as saying he didn't have sex with a few or a lot BEFORE being celibate. ALWAYS protect yourself.
Personally, I understand how you feel. It's not so much that he has herpes but that he waited until AFTER unprotected sex to tell you.
Yes, I think he knew before sleeping with you. And yes, I think he had trouble getting it up the first time BECAUSE he know and he was SCARED you might reject him. However, to wait until AFTER you had sex, it wrong. HE should have given you the OPTION to CHOOSE.
I think you SHOULD talk to him. I think you SHOULD tell him HOW that whole event made you feel. I think HE needs to hear that what he did was NOT OK.
I also think, YOU need to consider he isn't the same guy you dated when you were younger. Doesn't mean he is a bad guy, but he made a REALLY bad choice in not giving you the CHOICE. And he made a really bad choice when HE chose to have unprotected sex WITH you knowing that he has herpes.
Did he think if he GAVE you herpes too you would have no other choice then to BE with him?
STOP beating yourself up, OP. It won't help the situation but IN THE FUTURE, be smart. PUT your own health FIRST with a new (or "returning") sexual partner. Don't presume they will tell you. And maybe WAIT with sex until you know a guy well enough to say, I think we should be get tested BEFORE sex.
Chin up.
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