A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have several problems that I am not sure how to deal with. Firstly, I am concerned that I am getting too intimate with my boyfriend too soon (I feel this was the problem in my previous relationship even though we had known each other for years and didn't have sex until 2 months into the relationship: my ex basically got what he wanted from me (sex) and dumped me like a piece of rubbish). My current boyfriend and I have been dating for a month, but can't seem to keep our hands off each other! Whilst that may not been a problem for most, I want to take the time to get to know him so we have a strong foundation to build a relationship on, but these intentions seem to go out the window once we see each other. I enjoy sex like you wouldn't believe, but I don't know how to make this a less significant part of my relationship.I really like this guy and don't want to jeopardise things by having sex with him too soon (we haven't yet!) Last night he asked me to perform oral sex on him. He was trying to guide my head down. I was having reservations about doing it, and was hesitating but I went ahead and did it anyway (yes can't believe I was that stupid!). My sex drive is so high (yet I have only slept with 2 guys in my 31 years) that my head can be saying I am not sure and yet my sex drive is saying yes. As I was doing this he was saying 'good girl' which sounded weird to me but I don't know why. Does this sound bad to you?I thought he would clear off once he got what he wanted but he has text me several times today. I guess after my last experience I am really fearful of being abandoned and rejected again.
View related questions:
my ex, oral sex, sex drive, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, forgetmenot +, writes (28 July 2007):
 If you told him you had reservations he's way out of line but if you just went ahead with things without saying you want to get to know him better before you get heavy then just be open with him. Tell him that the "good girl" thing weirded you out too even if you aren't sure why. If someone said that to me I'd feel disrespected and as if he veiwed me as a subordinate and sex is only fun when there's mutual respect
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 July 2007):
 I haven't seen you but I like you very much. I will do my best to help you, madam.
I know that so many women recommend not being willing to have sex early in the relationship. The idea is, if he gets it so easily, he'll think you're loose, and will dump you; or, if he is really interested, he will wait. This makes some sense. However, and, not wanting to be a killjoy, I think that so many cases of failed relationships are witness to the fact that you can't really know if a man will stay with you if you abstain from sex early in the relationship. Of course, I don't mean you should sleep with him right away; I just want you to notice that there's no real way to tell the future.
Now, he was not considerate with you in basically forcing you to give him oral sex. His comment might mean nothing, but the way he got the oral sex is wrong.
I think you should talk to him. Rather than talking about sex, I would suggest you talk to him about the relationship. That is a better indicator of what to expect from him.
I hope this helps.
...............................
A
male
reader, Chucky +, writes (24 July 2007):
 Nah it fine, this guy is probably really embarrassed that he said it. i was getting oral off my girlfriend and i said 'thats a good girl' without thinking. i felt really dumb and thankfully she didn't say anything about it. trust me, as long as he do not say it again. your fine, he probably said it by accident. lol
...............................
A
male
reader, nigelfuxwell  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 oops... typo -
"It’s rather unselfish and disrespectful" should read
"It’s rather selfish and disrespectful"... I was pissed when I was writing...
Sorry
...............................
A
male
reader, nigelfuxwell +, writes (23 July 2007):
Wow, this one is all over the map. I have to sort these things out logically before I can even attempt to comment, and it looks like the problems I can see here are:1. Congratulations! You are officially reaching your sexual peak! It’s a known fact that women hit their peak in their early to mid thirties, and looks like yours is in full gear. This isn’t actually a problem, but it can cause you to make some really bad decisions in the heat of the moment2. You have to learn how to balance your sex drive and your desire for a real relationship. Believe it or not, without even giving us a clue, we men can absolutely smell a woman with a high sex drive. And if she’s got misgivings about going through with sex, predatory men will exploit that chink in your armour and wait you out or wear you down until they conquer. It sounds almost deviant when I type it, but I only say it because I’m ashamed to admit I used to do it.3. You’re going to have to rely on your senses and intellect now more than ever, because you have several internal mechanisms fighting for satisfaction right now, and it will confuse the hell out of you. First off, I have to say you’re miles ahead of most women who experience this. We’re at a time in history where it is more and more common for women to still be single in their thirties, which in reality is probably a good thing, as it’s given you a chance to emotionally mature and realize what you do and don’t want out of a relationship. The downside of it is that even though you may know what you want from an emotional and romantic standpoint, your body is craving intimacy and pleasure. It’s a tough fight, but you can balance it out. The fact that you realize that sleeping with this man too soon can derail any chance at a healthy relationship (and probably end in heartache for you) is a good thing. Now what I’m saying is not a universal truth. There are no universal truths when it comes to sex love and relationships, because each person is different. But honestly, there probably is no real time limit to when the time is right to become intimate with your partner. The secret is you both just know it. Too often, people will make up these arbitrary time limitations (I won’t have sex with you for 4 dates, 4 months, etc) and instead of focusing on getting to know that person as well as you can, you both become consumed with going through the motions of waiting for the “expiration date” to occur so you can get naked. Bad move for two reasons. A) instead of using that time to learn what this guy is really about and giving him a chance to know you, the focus has shifted to meeting some time expectation B) If you ever tell a player that there’s a time limit, he’ll find that time limit out, and wait you out, get what he wants, and you’ll STILL be played. Predatory men are a very patient species believe it or not.So where I’m actually going with that point is this: Don’t sweat the time limit thing. Burn your calendar, and listen to your brain first and heart second. You’ll feel it when the time is right. I got news for you, if you had a light switch that would turn your libido off, and look at this guy objectively and without hormonal blinders, you might come to the conclusion that he’s probably not worth your time. A guy who essentially forces your head down so you can perform oral sex on HIM is not usually the kinda guy you wanna get very close to. It’s rather unselfish and disrespectful. And the whole “good girl” thing stinks of selfishness and a general disrespect for women. I try not to get too opinionated and emotional when answering these things, but I can see that you have a good heart, and you’ve saved yourself quite well for the man that you will eventually end up with, and it truly burns me to see (what I think) is a guy who’s going after a “hard target” as we called them back in my player days…But I’m losing focus here… back to the topic at hand… Your sex drive is going to make you want to not keep your hands off of your new boyfriend at all times, but you’re going to have to seriously NOT give in to it until you know him. To say that “I can’t help myself” is rubbish, because you know in your heart and mind what’s best for you. The fact that you’ve exercised control for 31 years points that fact out clearly and plainly. If you can find a way to turn the volume down on your libido and listen to your brain and heart, you’ll be able to answer a question like this yourself. You already know the answer, you just gotta listen to the right voice.When you find yourself asking questions like this, ask yourself –“How much time do he and I spend actually talking vs. touching, kissing and fooling around?”“When I talk, does he listen, or is he throwing in sexual innuendos?”“Is this a man that I would recommend to one of my friends if I wasn’t attracted to him?”“What do I really know about him, and vice versa?”“Does he respect my wishes? When I ask him to stop, does he respect that, or force my head down to his crotch?”You get the idea. Now, I’m going solely based on the question you wrote, and I’m not saying that he is that kind of guy. What I am saying is YOU KNOW THE ANSWERS to those questions, and you should use that information to make a decision as to whether your going to give up something as precious as your body and heart to a man.
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (23 July 2007):
You should talk to this guy about how you feel about waiting a bit to have sex. Explain to him your feelings so he can understand and respect that. Don't worry about loosing him, because if you do, then he wasnt worth it in the first place, be thankful you found out before you did it!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): saying 'good girl' sounds kinda child-like and pretty creepy in that circumstance actually....that would have unsettled me
...............................
|
