A
female
age
30-35,
*iljo
writes:So my boyfriend and I have been together about a year and a half. We've known each other for nearly 7 years...it just took a while to make it official. Once official, things went fast. Within 2 months we were (practically) living together...within 6 we really were. I'm his first significant girlfriend, which is frustrating because I've shacked up once before.. so i know how these things go. Its been hard. I mean, were good together.. best friends AND lovers.. we tell each other everything, he's always there.. we trust each other.. but i have an anger problem. I've hit him in the arm a few times and pushed him to make him get out of my face... since we started dating i've acknowledged my anger problem. I told him about it in depth, and i've gotten much better. I've made significant effort to change, and he sees it. He's usually never violent..he may get mad and yell, but he never gets physical with me.. but last night, he pushed me so hard I fell. He practically threw me down. If I didnt have anger issues and I'd never hit him before, my bags would already be packed. What makes this complicated is i've done similar things that he forgave me for. He's given me time to work through my issues and get better... so i feel like it would be unfair to call it quits the first time this happened on his side of things. Its just incredibly strange because its just not like him to do that. I feel like i know everything about him.Im racking my brains trying to figure out what possessed him to do that, especially when, just an hour before, we were laying together and laughing and eating pizza...and having a really nice valentines night. Is it possible that it was just an accident? He says he pushed me harder than he meant to.. (we started arguing over how he didnt want to do anything for valentines day due to our lack of spending money, but i wanted to do something memorable.. I got offended, feeling like he just didnt see me worthy of a nice gift or dinner...) So this is exactly what happened: We were shouting at each other... i took down all the vday decorations i put up and threw them in the trash, I walked towards him (while shouting) and he raised his hand to me (which he'd never done either)...and due to an intricate and ultra-sensitive defensive mechanism programmed within me, I pushed him.. and he pushed back...hard enough to throw me on the ground. He is heart broken over what happened. I can see it in his eyes.. im just scared it could happen again. please tell me what you think.Did he just make a mistake? WE ALL DO. Don't try to say we don't. I've hit him and he's stuck it out.. ....or is there something more complicated going on with him?
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female
reader, hiljo +, writes (22 February 2012):
hiljo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate everybodys input.
I understand that at first, I was being the victim. I really was. I was feeling sorry for myself due to my past, rather than really looking at what happened and why. It makes complete sense why I would feel that way, psychologically speaking, but it in no way excuses it.
My guy and I are doing really well, actually. Taking responsibility for my actions and understanding him made all the difference.
I have anger problems, and im working on them. I have been for months..I'm not the "irresponsible, feel sorry for myself but refuse to make constructive changes" type of person.
I will say that he raised his fist to me as I was arguing with him, I was walking towards him, not throwing myself at him...but i understand why it boiled over and he got so angry. That was his mistake, which was what started the physical altercation.. my mistake was reacting the way I did. It just didn't need to happen like that.
This experience has made an extremely significant difference in my life and especially my relationship. Sometimes, we just need a taste of our own medicine.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): After reading through this carefully I will add a response. You wont like my answer either. I wont water it down. He is not your punch bag. He is a human being with the same emotions and mechanisms as everyone. People can only stand so much, so if you hit him, yes, he has probably reached the stage where he will hit you back. You have nothing to forgive him for as you caused it. If knowing that he will strike you back, you then decide to continue to hit him, then either accept it will go a lot worse or get out. Your response shows you are a long way from being better.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 February 2012):
 I have been in this exact situation. I hit my partner back in May. He infuriated me and I just snapped. I had never hit anyone before and have not raised my hand to him since. HE did forgive me. I would not have forgiven him had the roles been reversed… and I told him I understood if he did not forgive me.
We moved on from that and about 5 months later had a HUGE blow up and he did hurt me. AND I FORGAVE HIM once. He has not touched me since and I have not touched him since I did it to him.
I am not saying either of us is right… HITTING, pushing, biting, shoving punching slapping etc… do NOT belong in any relationship…
We started counseling as a couple after that and we continue to work and improve our communications..we still yell and fight but we DO NOT HIT.
I personally go fool me once shame on you… fool me twice shame on me…
I have promised I would never hit him again and I did not, even when he came after me… at that point he realized I MEANT what I said and I would NEVER raise my hand to him again…. And I believe he won’t touch me in anger again either… so we moved forward as a couple.
IF you two go to therapy and work HARD to fix the communications and anger you may be able to do the same thing.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 February 2012):
 "He is heart broken over what happened. I can see it in his eyes.. im just scared it could happen again.
please tell me what you think."
We have only told you what we think. We aren't therapists or professionals. We're just random people online, and we can only do so much. No one here is trying to argue with you or fight with you. But you are on the defensive line, taking things as insults when they are not. These are merely our thoughts on the matter of violent relationships and their success rate.
Will he do this again? Probably. You taught him how. Will you do it again? Probably as well. The question isn't if it'll happen again or not, it probably will. You know yourself, you know you are getting better, but you aren't all well yet. And he's just started acting like you... I don't know how long it took him to learn, but it'll take at least just as long to "unlearn" it.
You also need to start looking at your own actions for what they truly are, without hiding behind some self-claimed rights to be violent. You do not have any right to be violent just because he raises his fist at you. Doesn't matter if it was scary. You're not supposed to get physical with him. If you controlled yourself you'd not react to his fist in your face. If you controlled yourself you could chose in what situations you will react with a reaction of your choice.
Now, it might very well be that you feel not in control of your actions, and it is so easy to blame him for your actions. He made you. He forced you. He threatened you. He had a fist in your face. He looked scary. He yelled at you. You can name every excuse in the book. But that doesn't take away the fact that what he does is on HIM, and what you do is on YOU. Always.
You not wanting to take responsibility for your actions says that you have a long way to go still. Step one is to always be responsible for your actions. No excuses. Your boyfriend did not move your arms to push himself. You did that. And you must take responsibility for that action. Otherwise you will not see any improvement in yourself. If he scares you or pushes your buttons to the stage where you don't feel you can control yourself, and you know you will get abusive, then end the relationship for his and your own safety.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 February 2012):
 You don't need dating advice. You need some counseling and therapy to work on your 'anger management' issues. The reason people are telling you to get help is because you don't seem to see that this is not a healthy relationship you are in. The reason it is not a healthy relationship is because you (and he) have some issues that need a trained therapist in order to be resolved.
It doesn't matter who did what to whom when at this point. The damage has been done and it is time to get actual, real, professional help from a trained health professional.
Best wishes to you as you come to realize this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 February 2012):
 OP, let's cut to the chase :
he and you are both wrong since you both say and do hurtful things.
It does not have to be physical abuse to hurt.
Right.
So : what are you doing still together ?
Reenacting Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, minus the jewels ?...
Do you honestly think this is a healthy r/ship, in fact do you think this is a relationship at all , when, due to whatever reason, you can't even be in the same room because you are scared of each other ( and with reason ? )...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): ok i cant add much more than anyone else, you cant seem to take in that he raised his fist because you came at him, no excuses, violence is wrong but it was him who was using self defence because he knows what you're like he himself was probably afraid of your reaction, i have no idea why i'm telling you this because 1. you wont listen and 2. you dont care as you've shown in your responses. There are no excuses for violence if you've been abused all your life then surely you'd want to make sure you were never violent and would never have to go through that again, easier said than done but you choose to be violent to your partner time and time again and when he then in self defence raises his fist you become all woe is me. Get counselling, break up whatever but i honestly dont think you care enough
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 February 2012):
First things first. Just because he forgave you doesn't mean you owe it to forgive him. It doesn't work like that. YOu forgive someone NOT because you expect something in return. Just the same you shouldn't forgive anyone because you "owe" it to them. Forgiveness comes from the heart. You can pretend to forgive, but it will just be pretending, and in the end it'll tear things apart just the same. So either you honestly and truly, out if your heart, forgive. Or you don't. You can't make yourself forgive because you owe him. No one can owe anyone forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't money.
Next, I wouldn't be surprised if you are the one who taught him this. This is his first relationship. It's from you that he learns how to treat a significant other. You smack him, he smacks you. He'll come to think it is how things are supposed to be. Note, this doesn't excuse him! He has no right to push you. But it can explain why it happened, since it is out of character for him.
He probably did push you harder than he meant to. But he meant to push you. Just like you meant to hit him the times you hit him. Two wrongs doesn't make a right.
"and due to an intricate and ultra-sensitive defensive mechanism programmed within me" Excuses. You are in control of your own body. If you were not then you shouldn't be walking freely on the streets, but see your doctor and be in treatment. So don't try to pity yourself or get support by claiming your actions are out of your control. You are always in control of your actions. You are at the age where you can not excuse yourself with being "programmed" because at this age you are capable of programming yourself. Which is exactly what you need to do.
I will claim that your boyfriend acted in self defense. You pushed first. You tore down decorations. You shouted and yelled. You provoked action from him. You attacked him.
I think what you need to do is focus on your own actions here. Not his. He shouldn't push you, but he probably wouldn't have if you didn't push him. This is a matter of action and consequence, a logical direction that you aren't following. You seem to think that you can bully him around without him being allowed to fight back. Just because he's put up with you for now doesn't mean he'll continue to put up with it. This was step one in saying "enough is enough".
You need anger management treatment. Go to therapy. Make a promise to yourself, not to your boyfriend but to yourself, that you will NEVER hit him or push him or lay your hands on him in anger ever again. Ever. Promise that to yourself.
Next time you get angry, leave the room. Do NOT speak. Just shut up and leave. Talk to him in advance that this will be your new strategy. You're battling with impulses that you've allowed yourself to follow along with for so long now. You need to re-program yourself. It is a hard job, but you can not sit back and not do it. Do you realize that your boyfriend could press charges against you for domestic violence? Do you realize he could file a restraining order against you based on your actions?
Just because you are a girl doesn't make it okay to push him or hit him, be verbally abusive towards him. Imagine if the roles were switches, you were the boy and he was the girl... What would you think of your relationship then?
"I know ive been wrong in the past, but ive not been abusive recently" Look.. it doesn't matter if you've not been abusive towards him recently. It still lingers in his mind. You haven't been abused yourself recently, yet you claim your actions are an echo of previous abuse. Why is it then difficult to see that his actions now are a reaction to your former abuse? Just like you claim your actions now are a reaction to former abuse.
Do not be a victim. You were abused in the past, but what others did to you does NOT define you. Your actions are what defines you, and you have the possibility of controlling your actions. If you are unable to control them then there is only one solution: hospitalization or going on medication. See your doctor, do not self medicate.
Continue to work on your problems. But do not make excuses for yourself. You did what you did. You taught your boyfriend how to react. You taught yourself how to react in this manner. And just the same you can teach yourself new ways of reaction.
Be proud of how far you've come, you said you have gotten better. But also realize that "better" might still not be good enough. Perhaps you are not ready to be in a relationship. Perhaps you will be able to get better when you are alone and not in a relationship. Just a thought. A therapist will help you see if you are at this time capable of being in a relationship and being responsible for someone else other than yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): I dont think there is anything very complicated going on with your boyfriend. He is in an abusive relationship and has learned some of your behaviours. What happened in your past is now being visited upon your partner while you `act out` your rage on him. But he has also stored up some rage of his own...against you! Now you are both shocked and dismayed by his reaction but you have to accept this is what happens when you abuse someone for long enough. They WILL eventually fight back.You need to go back to therapy and continue your recovery, maybe take your partner with you so that he can also understand the dynamics of this relationship and avoid becoming an abuser himself. We hear about the vicious cycle of abuse and that is what you have introduced your partner into. You really do need to continue with therapy/counselling.
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A
female
reader, hiljo +, writes (16 February 2012):
hiljo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionomg im sorry i asked this question at all. i did not start this argument. i have worked on my aggression and he raised his fist to me over a simple argument! I did not push him until he raised his fist and acted like he was going to hit me... after months of improving my aggressive habits... that is why it was weird.he and i are both wrong as we both say and do hurtful things... it doesn't have to be physical abuse to hurt.. thanks for telling me, after ive clearly stated i DID NOT threaten him first, he raised his fist to me over something trivial, which i reacted to because ive been beaten before... then he threw me down. seems like you guys are the ignorant ones. I may have done some bad things before but time has gone by, he and i are getting along better than ever, i have not hit him in months, and then this happens. hes 23 for gods sake.. monkey see monkey do? he did this after months of happiness and such a small trigger. anyway, i have admitted my faults, and he has too. i suppose receiving dating advice from sources who do not truly know the situation is ultimately unfulfilling and useless.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 February 2012):
Maybe it's no so complicate as you make it, it's sort of simple in fact : you have unresolved anger issues and poor or absent impulse control, he... the same as you. It's a volatile and explosive combination, and for the best interest of both, you should NOT be together/living together until you haven't worked on your issues separately and you are able to carry on a civilized relationship.
The hows and whys do not make this any better, same as there never a good reason for a man to hit a woman ( " he had a bad childhood " is an explanation maybe but surely no justification ) the opposite holds true too, so " due to a complicate defense mechanism " does not much ice, IMO. Regardless, and without keeping score of each one's faults, ... you too simply should not be together atm; abuse and violence it's not only having fistfights , it's also shouting and yelling and totally losing it over... something so menial like dining out on Valentine's day.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 February 2012):
Maybe it's no so complicate as you make it, it's sort of simple in fact : you have unresolved anger issues and poor or absent impulse control, he... the same as you. It's a volatile and explosive combination, and for the best interest of both, you should NOT be together/living together until you haven't worked on your issues separately and you are able to carry on a civilized relationship.
The hows and whys do not make this any better, same as there never a good reason for a man to hit a woman ( " he had a bad childhood " is an explanation maybe but surely no justification ) the opposite holds true too, so " due to a complicate defense mechanism " does not much ice, IMO. Regardless, and without keeping score of each one's faults, ... you too simply should not be together atm; abuse and violence it's not only having fistfights , it's also shouting and yelling and totally losing it over... something so menial like dining out on Valentine's day.
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A
female
reader, hiljo +, writes (16 February 2012):
hiljo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me reiterate: I have sought help for my anger issues. I've gotten better.
We argued last night and he raised his fist to me for no reason. I posed no threat.. and because of my experience with abuse, i pushed him away as i did not want him to hit me, and he pushed me so hard i fell.
its not like him to even raise his fist... he shouts and cusses, but never does anything physically harmful.
Due to this new and unexpected reaction, im afraid something deeper is going on. I know ive been wrong in the past, but ive not been abusive recently. I think ive acknowledged my faults adequately. This strange behavior came about during a good time in our relationship... and i understand it really could be "learned" behavior.. its just odd.
And Im the fairest woman you'll ever know. We're all equal. Women do not deserve better treatment...hence the acknowledgement and obvious remorse i feel of my faults. So my question is now: Is it undoable? is it a learned behavior? can we fix ourselves?
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A
female
reader, hiljo +, writes (16 February 2012):
hiljo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am completely aware of what i've done. Please don't assume such things, if I were unaware, I wouldnt have said i've done the SAME THING.
I have GOTTEN BETTER. I haven't done anything abusive in a while... I now talk calmly when in an altercation as opposed to screaming and breaking things...the reason im sticking it out is because i know im guilty of the similar things.
AND i have a strong defense mechanism because im a victim of ABUSE.
Its scares me because i've been abused my entire life..which is why i have anger problems..and to know my bf might be coming down with similar characteristics..it frightens me, and urges my boyfriend and i to change....perhaps go to counseling.
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A
female
reader, Latti +, writes (16 February 2012):
I understand this situation all to well....I use to be YOU!
I was very emotional & when I could not CONTROL the situation & my bf...I would lash out in a rage. My boyfriend at the time was not an abusive person at all, but 1 to many times 8 crossed the line with my bad behavior.....and he lost it.
Before I knew it....we were in a very abusive relationship....& I was the abuser....AT FIRST. Those tables quickly turned...& he started defending himself....& then.....he was lashing out on me. It went from "PUSHING". To slapping, to throwing, to holes in walls, to bruises, to me losing total control & I picked up a bat....& hit him with it. After 3 years...we broke up. Thank God!
My bad behavior....was the start of a downward spiral of abuse. My issue with anger & rage...this anger stems from of fear of not being able to control.....him....the situation.....the anger that he is not listening...or he does not understand you.
You need to work on this issue.....ASAP! Self-help books, counseling & definately some SELF CONTROL! It starts with YOU!
I pray you two can resolve this before it gets out of control.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (16 February 2012):
 You started it, he reacted the same way you did. Monkey see, monkey do. He's heart broken over it, he didn't wish to do it, and as you've said, he's never done anything like that to you before. YOU'RE the one, on the other hand, who has done it before.
You need to work on managing your anger. You need to apologize and really learn how to control yourself if you want to save this relationship.
Again, you're the one who walked up to him and started shouting at him and then pushed him.
Stop making excuses as to why you act the way you do. Nothing good will come of it. There's nothing complicated going on with him. It's you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): You were very honest in the first part of your question, but I think you were dishonest in the second.
"and due to an intricate and ultra-sensitive defensive mechanism programmed within me, I pushed him"
That is BS. When you pushed him, was it just an "accident"? When you hit him was it just a "mistake"? Probably not, it was your emotions taking over and you getting out of control. You are posing these questions about his behavior, but apparently, you've never asked yourself about your own behavior.
I DO think you have the ability to empathize with what he was going through at that moment, but you simply choose not to...and I suspect that's because you don't want to see that YOU might in fact be emotionally and physically abusive.
I don't condone abusive relationships...but what I especially hate is the mindset that simply because you're a woman, you are inherently entitled to a higher standard of treatment. That fact that you believe somehow your abuse is morally superior and forgivable to his is offensive...
My guess for why he did what he did? You have physically abused your boyfriend...and apparently after experiencing this several times, he preemptively defended himself expecting you to become physically abusive again. You want help? Leave him, get some counseling, and work on yourself before dating him or other people.
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