A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last summer, I fancied a male friend (used to flirt with him a bit but nothing more than that) whom I got on with quite well. I told him I liked him, and he turned me down, saying that he was already seeing someone. There was a mutual guy friend in the room next to us who must've heard, who knows him very well. The mutual friend told me later (I didn't bring it up and was already over him, but he just brought it up) that the guy I fancied had lied to me and wasn't seeing anyone right then.The guy I fancied went away on holiday for a few months so I didn't see him. However, mutual friend (whom I am thinking of asking to stop bringing him up as it's mildly annoying) mentioned the other night that he's coming back soon so I'll be seeing him all round our social circles again. Obviously he had every right to reject me, and I respect that, but I'm quite offended that he lied to me (I definitely wasn't being over the top in hitting on him or anything that would force him to lie, he could just have said No). Should I not talk to him again when I see him around? He's quite laid back and cool to talk to, but he sometimes speaks to me/other female friends with a lack of respect anyway. I don't really want to be friends with someone who does not respect me.Thanks.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 Like so many other aunties have pointed out "seeing someone" can mean many thing. He MIGHT actually fancy someone else. I think he was trying to be polite and let you down NICELY.
The "nosy" friend is making THIS a big deal when it shouldn't BE a big deal. Guy A isn't interested. THAT is it. The "nosy" friend is a shit stirrer. He certainly wasn't looking out for you. If the "mutual friend" brings it up again, just tell him, :"Oh I'm over that can you find something else to talk about?"
Now you are somehow trying to make a bigger deal out of this and what exactly do you think you will accomplish with that? Drama? Attention?
If you think he lie is so unacceptable.. then do as RubyBirtle suggested. TREAT him like an acquaintance, no flirting.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 To get straight to the point, first & foremost, please remember that this guy is a guy, period!
He is not female, hence his reasoning, biological thought patterns being different to yours.
Cut him some slack & just accept him for who he is, regardless of his lack of openess &/or honesty toward you.
He is male & he may have even, as you put it, lied to you, simply because he didn't actually want to hurt you.
Did you think about that fact? I suspect not.
As you said yourself, he is not obligated to like you, or to even date you, regardless of your feelings prior toward him.
Most decent, stable minded men, will never intentionally hurt a woman, because they simply wouldn't & they know if they are completely & brutally honest, they may cop a tongue lashing to be quite blunt.
Let's be honest here, we all know that many women can get quite verbal & emotional, when the whole truth is aired, although many women take news quite well & remain chilled, being much better communicators.
Either way, you'd have been pissed off, so it makes no real difference, as to what he said or didn't say.
He may have actually spared you even more of an upset, although i am not being dismissive of your obvious disappointment in your friend.
Also, you say that he is not the most respectful guy toward women anyway, so why on earth would you even wish to have any type of tie with this guy & why is his being honest with you, so very important?
I guess you need to ask yourself this question & when you answer it, be completely honest with yourself.
On a final note, i find that we women can sometimes be quite hypocritical.
I say this because "WE ALL LIE", from time to time, every single one of us!!
If you say that you have never lied, i would not believe you anyway, because it is all part of human nature, however, big or small that lie was.
Most of us tell white lies @ least a few times per week, yet we seem to forget don't we?
So please, get over it & move on. It is not worth the headache & he doesn't seem to be all that "cool" anyway.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 September 2014):
 "Seeing someone" is actually an extremely broad spectrum, to be honest. The other guy friend who said that this guy had lied to you may not have had all of the facts.
YES, he was trying to spare your ego, because saying "I'm not interested" or "no thanks" or "You're not my type" would have gotten you more upset, and he may have been telling the truth in a roundabout sort of way...he may have actually hd his attention toward someone else at the time.
I have learned that when a guy talks about "Seeing someone", it can mean anything from the moment he sees her across the room (she may not know of his existence) to him biding his time in the friend zone looking to make a move on a girl (also a time when other people would say he's single) or he could be getting over a relationship and not over the one he broke up with, and he could be in one-night-stand or FWB mode as well. "Seeing someone" is a catch-all term in my opinion, so I wouldn't take it as a lie. He didn't say he had a girlfriend, which WOULD have been lie. He didn't say he was engaged or married or gay, all of which would be lies.
Personally, if you're wanting to be friends and simply hang on hoping, then I'd say stop. However, if you're already interested in someone else, then concentrate on that person. Otherwise, it's not that big of a deal what this guy said. He was kind enough not to be mean, cruel, insensitive, or blunt.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 He told you a white lie because he did not want to hurt your feelings. Rejecting can be as difficult as being rejected , and some people find it particularly awkward.
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 I agree with Aunty BimBim. It sounds like he just wanted to let you down gently.
Don't concern yourself too much over it. It's been said and done. Causing drama by not being his friend when you have the same social circles isn't going to help either.
You don't have to go out of your way to be friendly with him however it wouldn't hurt to be polite to him when you do socialize with him.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 September 2014):
"I'm already seeing someone" is probably the most gentle way to let someone know they're not interested in dating you.
Don't be offended, he was trying to be nice.
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A
female
reader, auntieJ +, writes (25 September 2014):
 He was just trying to spare your feelings most likely because he likes having you as a friend & didn't want to hurt you or make things socially awkward. This other guy though sounds as if he's just mixing things up between you two.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (25 September 2014):
Most people will offer a "mitigating circumstance" when they're politely trying to reject someones advances. It's a hell of a lot easier than saying a simple "No". And a lot of people will employ a little white lie - such as "I'm seeing someone right now", "I'm really busy at the moment", "I'm not over my ex" etc etc etc. And those things ARE much easier to hear than "I'm not interested in you" or "I like flirting with you but you're not the kind of girl I want to go out with".
What's hurting you at the moment is that you found out about the white lie. And your "mutual friend" sounds like a bit of a stirrer to be honest.
As for what to do about the guy who rejected you.... I find that ignoring or blanking someone is a bit juvenile (after all, he didn't do anything really wrong except tell a little white lie to spare your feelings) but you also say that you've found him a little bit disrespectful at times. So you don't have to remain friends with him but there's no need to be rude - just don't spend as much time on him anymore. Speak to him at group get-togethers or if you happen to bump into each other but stop actively trying to spend time or communicate with him. If he flirts with you, don't flirt back - treat him like an acquaintance rather than a buddy.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (25 September 2014):
 If he had just said no how would you have reacted? Would you have then wanted to know why, would you have then started to wonder what it was he didn't like about you, was it your looks, your hair colour, your weight, your personality?
By telling you he already had a girlfriend he didn't 'reject' you for any of those negative reasons, in fact he was letting you down gently with a little white lie.
I don't understand the motives of the friend who told you otherwise, maybe he is just a bit immature yet, with little sense of regard for either of you.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 September 2014):
 Rardless of him lying or just fibbing to teasr you, The real culprit here seems to me is the nosey common aquaintance. He seems to be way to involved in trying to get something stirred up. Is he just a trouble maker or are there darker motives?
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