A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it normal to express interest in other people as a married couple?My husband, who has always been faithful to me recently confessed that he 'liked' another woman he and I both knew several years ago. He had always denied it, but recently he made the confession and I was shocked. The confession itself didn't surprise me, but the sudden confession did. Also, last year, another close friend of ours who is also married, tried to convince my husband to have an affair. He turned her down and then told me. Part of his confession is that he was obsessed with her . He 'liked' her, but felt it would be wrong and turned her down and even told her husband (who is a close friend). These red flags are starting to bother me now. I know my husband is faithful, but it hurts to know that these issues have come up. My husband is a very attractive man, so other more minor incidents were laughed off, but those 2 situations were very close calls. Since we got married, I have always stayed away from male colleagues and avoid over friendly situations, but now I ask myself what the point is when he blatantly admits he feels poly-amorous at times (without cheating). It has started to make me think that maybe I can be too. I am human too! I am in no way trying to suggest I would have an affair. That would be very immature and against my principles, but it makes me think that maybe we are drifting apart, despite us loving each other. I feel like the definition of love has changed over the years. My husband's definition of love for me is possessive love, but now it just annoys me, and I have told him this. I recently got invited by a male friend to attend a seminar and I really get along with this man. At first, I didn't want to admit to my husband how I came to know about this event, but then finally decided to tell him. He was upset and paranoid at first. I told him that if he loves me, he has to trust me. A part of also feels a little bit of relief because I haven't felt free to talk to other members of the sex in many years. I fell like our relationship is a little screwed up. How can he confess he is poly-amorous while expecting me to be in a cocoon. I am slightly thrilled by the idea of being in another man's presence, if only for a little while. This other man has also teased his wife about seeing me that day. I feel very overwhelmed.
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female
reader, moon river  +, writes (26 September 2014):
 I think it's normal to be attracted. But to really like another person is a bit dangerous. I think older than dirt's advice sounded pretty good
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2014): I am the OP of this question. To the female anonymous who responded. I have a ton of respect for myself, so I am not sure how you are so quick to judge. I have done nothing wrong except to say that I have been in cocoon and haven't spoken to any member of the other sex on a friendly level as I lived up to my husband's unreasonable expectations. I also do respect the other couple. I am not infringing on anyone's rights, nor am I guilty of anything. Yes, my husband was 'faithful' but he did enjoy a double standard, and that is the problem, not me having enjoyable conversation with another man I have no intention of pursuing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2014): Stop fantasizing about this other man right now. Your crush is not reality; a real relationship takes work & commitment. Regardless of how you let your husband treat you, it is wrong of you to spend time with this other man when you know it makes your husband uncomfortable and that his wife is either not ok with this, or being kept in the dark.
You should spend your time working on or ending your current marriage before you look for greener grass, and this other guy you have a thing for is not it since he is already MARRIED!
Please have some respect for yourself, and your marriage, and leave this other couple alone. Take that time to work on yourself and your current relationship. Work with your FAITHFUL husband and let him know how you want him to treat you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 September 2014):
 I think it's normal to notice and even feel attractions for someone other then your spouse. Specially after many years together.
What I don't think is OK is acting on it. As in flirting or discussing the marriage with another person whom "you" have the hots for.
You husband has a double standard. Where he sees you as incapable of "fending" off advances or fully controlling yourself? Which is rather ridiculous. It's like when I hear a guy say, Oh, I trust my GF, but I don't trust other men. Well, it's not like women are SO UNABLE to tell a guy:" I'm flattered but I love my husband and I'm not interested in cheating on my spouse". Women are as capable and a man to draw a line in the sand.
But I think because women have been regarded as the "weaker sex" for eons, some men actually BELIEVE in that crock of lies, because it SUITS them. But NOT allowing you to be around other males, he is without doubt the dominating alpha, you protector and provider. Basically he owns you lock,stock and barrel.
As for HIM confessing (after the matter) that women fancy him and he at times fancy someone BESIDES you, I think that is a twofer. 1. To keep you on your toes. 2. Ego boost. A "I still got it" YOUR man is still "The Man".
I think instead of LYING or omitting the truth to you husband, you need to talk to him. Reassure him that you would never stray.
Remember one thing though, BY not talking to other men you have ALLOWED your husband to DICTATE you own capability for faithfulness. You have basically LET him decide who you can and cannot talk to. If you DON'T agree with a "no talking to opposite gender" then talk to him about it. MAKE him see that it is ridiculous. Show him that YOU can be trusted. And being "giddy" about being around another man, isn't exactly a good way to show that... is it?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 You are having an internal struggle that will get the best of you if you don't take action. Grab hubby and go on a week-long holiday away from all the temptations. When you come back the world will be back in it's normal alignment. Here's to you and your struggle, been there,done that.
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