A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. At close to the beginning of this relationship, I set some boundaries with this guy, and one of them was not to call me or even joke about me being a bitch, because I'm not. This guy was my first. We got married and he still keeps joking on me/implying that I'm a bitch and he keeps looking for loopholes to this boundary. Some weeks ago, he called me a hobo, which was what a trooper/cop yelled at me when I was younger, because they thought I was a runaway, and I wasn't (he knows the story, this is why he does this? Idk). Anyways, he called me that some weeks ago, and said, now what if I removed two of those letters? So I told him that I was not a bo, but immediately also said that I was not a ho. He started cracking up. If he knows that things like this hurt me, why does he keep saying them? His excuses were 1)You are too sensitive 2)I was not implying anything it was a question 3) I am not going to conform to what you want me to conform to 4) You need to learn to take a joke. It's like he doesn't believe me that this hurts me. If he feels that it's okay to hurt me, even when things are going okay, does he really love me? So I'm the one with the problem, ie im too sensitive and can't take a joke, just because I want to be respected? It's almost like he's saying, I can treat you any way I want to, now what are you going to do about it? If someone knew something hurt you, and they really loved you, wouldn't they stop doing it? I mean, I can understand how people want to hurt each other when they are angry, but he does this even during peaceful times. Lately it just feels like he's treating me as if I'm below him. Like in our last argument I kept telling him to lower his voice, like twice, and his excuse later was, "I thought that if I got louder you would listen."
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDuce, he recently embarrassed me at the movie theatre with my friend, because I wouldn't buy him movie theater popcorn, but had brought our own food since I needed the money for meats the next week, otherwise he would complain about us not having good food in the house.
He apologized, but some later incidents caused me to start walking. It has been almost two weeks and haven't talked to him since. He has tried to contact me. I have not tried to contact him.
I have been standing up for myself all along, but apparently, this was the only way.
A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (16 November 2009):
 Your updates kinda show where your end of things may be aiding in the drama.
At some point you signed on in this dynamic between you two.
Don't get me wrong I think he needs a manual attitude adjustment by a bigger dog, but you have played into his little dominance game. I would bet he doesn't pull this crap on anybody who would stand up for them selves.
Don't be afraid, that is the fuel in this fire. Don't bicker with him he, will thrive on that too. Tell him ONE TIME to stop humiliating you, if he doesn't do it, start walking.
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A
female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (15 November 2009):
 Can I be the first to say that it might not necessarily be a symbol of disrespect.. Is it only you that he teases like this? Because in that case yes, I would have an issue with it. But I know my sister encounters this problem with her boyfriend a lot - she being the one who likes to joke and tease, and him taking it as an offense. Its not that she intends to be offensive; honestly its just how we as a family have always communicated, not taking each other too seriously and knowing that its all in jest. That is a habit thats hard to break.
What I'm trying to say is that to me, because I've been brought up in an environment where its ok to poke fun from time to time, it seems like you're overreacting. I don't mean this as an insult; Im just trying to illustrate why he might see it that way too, and you shouldnt assume that he's trying to be disrepectful. But sure, now that he feels you don't understand him and just jump down his throat for no reason he might be doing it to push your buttons, retaliating. All i can suggest is having a long talk with him about it. Letting him know where you stand, but not in a patronising or unbending manner - you have to make it clear that you are open to listening to his side of things too.
Good luck, I hope you two come to a compromise soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd when he made the "ho" joke, he said it in front of my mom. It was embarrassing. That's another thing he does. He embarrasses me. Okay, last post for now, I promise! lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe reason why I don't try to act like it doesn't bother me, is because that he wants me to change and become exactly like him, with nothing bothering me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm afraid that if I walk away, he'll try to follow me, because he gets so heated. He is 27 years old. I am going to try to get some space from him. Oh, and thanks to all who posted. I agree that I could respect him more myself, and I probably sound like a kid saying this, but kinda hard to when that person is not respecting you. ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, I didn't just set it at the very very beginning. He was doing it, so then I set that boundary.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2009): I think its both of you guys. He needs to learn that it upsets you when he does that and make sure he knows your serious. But you dont want to let some thing like that mess up your relationship. Maybe hes just teasing you then you should tease back playfully.
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female
reader, chinana  +, writes (15 November 2009):
 I totally agree with duce00, this guy is just down right insecure and he tries to belittle you because i wouldn't expect my husband someone who has respect for me to call me a ho or a bitch even in a joking sense especially if he knows that i don't like it and then turn around and say i am too sensitive if i get upset (I hope he does not do this in front of friends/kids/relatives). But see i also like what aunty BimBim said because the next time he says it and you don't get angry you have taken away from him the power to control your emotions.
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female
reader, bitch +, writes (15 November 2009):
I think this is two sided. Why would you even tell him you don't want to be called a bitch in the first place? I would not want to be called one either but I don't go out and set rules in my life with people saying you can't call me this and you can't call me that. I mean why would you expect him to call you that? And so now he taunts you and I think that he is doing it because he knows it annoys you and he obviously wants to annoy you.
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male
reader, duce00 +, writes (15 November 2009):
I am sure I will get flamed for this but here goes...
How very bitchy of him...I mean really, this is the behavior of a little bitch. Am I the only one seeing this?
Maybe you could simply tell him that you love it when he is in full possession of his own testicles and that you have no desire to take ownership of them.
Stable and confident men don't pull this crap.
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A
female
reader, Another_Kapiti  +, writes (15 November 2009):
 I agree with the previous poster Aunty Bimbim. I have to ask though, how did you react when he first started to stretch these boundries you set? The more upset you act, the more he gets a rise out of you, the more he says things (God knows why, some men are like this) I think you have to ask him why he says things like that when you are in a committed relationship? I'd say he really isn't emotionally mature at all, you don't mention his age but from the way you say he's been acting, I'd guess around 18-25? If you are really sick of the way he's carrying on, I'd say it's time to set an ultimatum, "Either you treat me how I want to be treated, or (you or him) move out and get some space" and see what he does then. If he really loves you this will bring him down to earth and he'll change the way he treats you, or at worst, maybe it's time to get someone who will treat you the way you deserve! Wish you luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 November 2009):
 Now here is a new idea. Next time he tries to get a rise out of you, (because he knows he can) how about you just shrug your shoulders and just go on with whatever, washing the dishes, or cooking the dinner, or watching the TV, dont let him see that it affects you, I'll bet once he sees he no longer gets the reaction he wants he will stop the behaviour.As for him shouting, damn, is he really that much of a spoilt brat? One day when you are not arguing, tell him you cant hear him properly when he shouts, if he wants you to listen he needs to sit down across the table from you and speak to your face in a normal tone and normal range of voice. When ever he shouts after that just walk away if you can or just ignore him.
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