A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have been with my boyfriend since august 2009 and met him on holiday. I originally lived in Southampton, and he lives in Kent. In June 2009 I decided that I will move up to Kent to make the relationship work, so had left my friends and family to move in with my boyfriend. He advised me last year that he has been invited to a stag do in Portugal for august/sept time in 2010. I wasn’t ok with this, at first, due to trust issues from the past. I came to terms with it in the end, but last year I booked a gig to see lee Evans for 1st oct 2010, and it has been paid for and booked. recently this week my boyfriend has advised me that the stag do still hasn’t been booked, but the best man would like them to go on the same date that I have booked for me and my boyfriend to go to London for the weekend to see lee Evans. I am very upset about this as my boyfriend has advised me that he is going to forget about the fact I have had this booked for months and is telling me he will be going to this stag do, even though he is not a best man. He has only been invited as a friend from work, although I understand he has known him for a while. I think this is unfair as I have been looking forward to this and have sacrificed so much for him already that I feel he should have the decency to disappoint his friends instead of me. His friends have already said they will be doing a night out in the uk as well, so feel he is completely not bothered I feel about this, the argument has been going on for a week now and we have both been seeking advise from friends and families who all agree with me or him depending on who’s friends with who. Please can you advise me on this as feel I need a professional point of view. He has told me that we can rebook another date and venue but as these tickets are like gold dust and I made sure I booked it 9:00 in morning the date it come out I managed to get good tickets, but he is asking me to stuff this more another date and venue that I do not want to attend, meaning il have to book holiday of work and pay about 3 times the amount per ticket, although he is happy to do this I don’t see why i should give up something else, when he has never sacrificed anything for me. I don’t want to pay more than I have to because I would also like to go on holiday this year with him as he went for a gold break last year with the same people as the stag do and we didn’t go on holiday. Now we still have booked a holiday this year, he thinks it is more important for his holiday with his mates first. He has also told me to go with someone else but we never do anything special, we always stay in, and I booked this especially for me and him to go to London have a great day out and then go to the gig, This stag do is only for a weekend, not the entire week. Please help as I don’t want to be with someone who feels im not as important as his mates, and would rather disappoint me than them, when there is about 10 men attending this stag do, they don’t even know if they are going to Portugal now so nothing is planned. Thanks for listening.
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female
reader, SamLilly1988 +, writes (7 February 2011):
He has chosen me over portugal! there u go! Funny that most of u thought he would stick to that! He obviously does love me more than i thought!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): Well i did email the best man and asked very politley if it could be moved as they have nothing booked but he said no! but things may be getting better as had a good chat with my boyfriend last night about how i feel and he is considering it now : ) xx
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (26 January 2011):
OP, you said you're pretty much the only one that knows of the situation. Why? Why not ask if the stag do can be planned on another day? Can you contact the one arranging the whole thing? That's not an unreasonable request at all and if there's a chance it could be done there won't be a problem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Oh and whats the point of being with someone if girfriends come and go???? U have to give ur girlfriend a chance as well as ur friends and i have done everything for him so y cant he do this one thing???
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Oh and whats the point of being with someone if girfriends come and go???? U have to give ur girlfriend a chance as well as ur friends and i have done everything for him so y cant he do this one thing???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): The last post has helped a bit but i have considered all these options, i appreciate everyones advise but to be honest im the only one that really knows the situation so thinks its something i have to work out myself! thanks for the feedback though. x
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Right let me get this straight first - we are not professionals on this site, we are just members of the public who give up some of their free time to answer a few questions. If you are seeking professional help with your relationship issues then I suggest you see a relationship counsellor who is qualified to call themselves a 'professional'.
Now for my advice (hopefully me being female this will please you a bit more):
This is a tough one - I can understand why you feel hurt, but I can also understand why your boyfriend wants to go. Lets cover his side of things first:
He is obviously close with these guys if he goes on holidays with them, so even though he is not best man he is still a core part of the group and they enjoy having their 'boys holidays' together. As the other answers have said - he would get a lot of stick for not going, his friends would think he is under the thumb and you control him. Plus his friend will only be getting married once (with any luck) so this will be his only stag do - this is a once in a lifetime chance and your boyfriend would be pretty gutted to miss out on this. And one more thing - keep in mind that he has had this friend for a long time, and friends are important as they will be there forever, whereas girlfriends/boyfriends tend to come and go. This is only a small stag do - 10 guys is a pretty small number, so clearly these 10 guys are close friends and this is their group, not just 'some friend from work'. The 10 guys are the core group, the best friends who are having the smaller stag do together. Whereas the UK stag do is just for anyone to come along - not the close group of friends alone together for the last time.
Now for your side:
You have spent money on doing something special, you are unhappy with the relationship at the moment because you dont do anything together plus you moved away from your life to be with him - therefore you think you have sacrificed so much for him that he should sacrifice something for you. You want him to be as excited as you are about spending a weekend together instead of spending time with his friends, you feel he spends enough time with his friends and doesnt make time for you.
So how do you resolve this? Well - both of you are right, both of you are wrong - so you have to compromise. If you made him stay and go to the gig with you - that would be wrong. If he chooses his friends over you - that would also be wrong. So you are at stalemate - you both want different things, so the only option is to compromise. Here are my thoughts:
1. Option 1 (best option in my eyes) - speak to your boyfriend camly without arguing and explain that you want him to go on this stag do, you understand how important it is and you would never try and stop him from going. However you have spent money already on having a nice weekend away and you feel that he is choosing his friends over spending some rare time alone with his girlfriend, and that hurts you. So you would really appreciate it if he could speak to the best man, and see if they can find another weekend that would suit everyone for the stag do. Nothing has been booked yet - so it should not be a problem for him just to send a text or make a phone call to the best man and ask the question. KEY here is not to be angry, shout or get upset. Be nice to him, explain that you want him to go (so he doesnt feel like he needs to get defensive) but for the sake of compromise you would really appreciate it if he could just have a quick chat with the best man and see if there are any other possible dates they could have the stag do.
2. Option 2. If the above does not work and they cannot change the date of the stag do, and it must be the weekend that you are supposed to be going to London - then explore the other dates/prices of going to see Lee Evans somewhere else/on another day. Yes it is a pain, but you would still be getting your day together and he would still get his stag do - so you both still get what you want. Someone in this situation is going to have to re-arrange something, whether it is you re-arranging your gig or the best man re-arranging the stag do and trying to co-ordinate 10 guys. Keep in mind how difficult planning a stag do is and try and be sympathetic - trying to get 10 people to agree to do something on a particular date is a nightmare, so try and keep an open mind to the difficulties of this task. So really, it is far easier for you to re-arrange a gig than it is for the best man to re-arrange the stag do. So try and be calm, dont get upset, and look into your options. This might mean selling your current tickets for a profit so you can buy other Lee Evans tickets...etc. There will be options - so look into them. Once you know all the available options, then talk to your boyfriend and see what he thinks. If any of them mean spending more money - he should be the one to pick up the bill because you have already spent enough and he is the one changing the plans, so he should cover the costs.
3. Option 3 - if both of the above options still dont work and you are in no better situation - then simply wait. At the end of the day, the stag do is not booked and there are no guarantees that he will end up going away on that same date. So you are currently stressing about nothing - currently nothing is confirmed so technically nothing has changed. So just wait and see what happens with the stag do, see what the best man organises and then take it from there. With any luck, it will move to a different date. Worst case - he goes away on the weekend of your gig, you dont want to move it so you take a friend and have a lovely time, and then make sure your boyfriend knows you are disappointed you did not get to spend the time together and that you hope he can make it up to you when he returns.
I'm sorry there is no perfect solution here where you are going to be happy and he chooses you over his friends. The problem is you are both right to want to stick by your guns and do your own things, so when neither party is wrong it is very hard to back down. But if you explain that to him and make sure he knows that you are not against him going, it is just the disappointment of not being able to spend time with him, then hopefully he will back down a little bit and try and compromise too. Relationships are all about compromises, and this is something you need to learn (both of you). But you can only acheive a compromise when you stop fighting and start talking, when you stop trying to control him and look at what you can do to make this situation better, rather than trying to point fingers at who is in the wrong.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Obviously its a load of men answering this! what a surprise, this was a bad idea as i thought this was proffesional advise not advise from other men, i know honey pie is not a man but if you were in this situation itll be different for you. Never mind sorry i bothered posting this, i welcome any proffesional advise from people who know what they are talking about!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): I think you need to calm down a little.
As someone who's had occasion to plan more than one stag-do I can sympathise with your boyfriend on this one. Being invited to a stag do and not coming unless your bloody dying is a big no no. It's all about a homie code and if you're invited you make sure you show up.
As you've already mentioned he's not even a bestman or usher, to you this means that he doesn't have a good reason to go. In reality it means that he's not 'essential' to the stag do so even though he might have said he could't do those days it might be a 'you're in or you're out' scenario.
Take a friend to the concert. Or cancel the tickets and let him make it up to you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 January 2011):
I would agree with Honeypie. I think you'd do better to find someone else to go with. You've already lost this one, period. Nothing you say or do will make him change his mind about the stag weekend.
I would be cautious as to how you take this. This isn't just some normal weekend. This is a stag do - there is a BIG difference. Admittedly it's a poorly planned one, but if you crack the whip as it were on an occasion like this, you will lose a huge amount of credibility down the line with your boyfriend. No man, no matter how good or bad, wants to be pushed into a corner. Why do you think arguments between and mother in law/daughter in law can get so out of hand - it's because a man has been put in a lose/lose position and is unable to side.
Just because he has chosen to go to a stag do does not make you second best. You can't judge him just on that. If he does a lot of things like that, cancels lots of plans, then that's a different thing. But if this is one thing, I think you're treading a line where you'll wind up alone.
People sometimes have to mess up plans. My girlfriend has cancelled plans with me for her friends on two occasions. It's something that sometimes happens. And it's not made me second best.
If this is a regular occurrence, that is one thing. If this is one plan that has been cancelled/changed, then that is another.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Honestly, I would find someone else to take to the concert, whether he is going to Portugal or not. That is my personal opinion.
He has CLEARLY told you and showed you that going with his friends IS more important then seeing the concert with you.
It's not about who is right and who is wrong, if you ask me.
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