A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: We are dating for around a year now and we still haven't "done it". Well, that's all just because I can't, my mom is really strict (i mean it) and if she said no in that kind of thing, it means "don't do it or i'll kill you both". Well, he understands that I mustn't lose my 'virginity' since it's the only way she can understand weather we've done it or not. I admire his patience but It's normal that lately he is getting crazy about it. In a couple of days, I'm gonna be 16 and He is gonna be 19. He has done that before... Even though we do "staff" and we've been pretty much OK with that, lately we just haven't had a place to "do things"... And there was when he asked me... "Would you be OK if I'd done that with another girl, just to put my mind at ease, sweetheart?" He had asked me that before but not in that straight way... I understand he needs that. I trust him even my life but I'm not sure about that... It's like he is asking my permission to cheat on me. Or not. I'm really confused and I asked some time to think and understand that. I was OK with that till the second I thought that some other girl will be touching him, his body, his lips that only belong to me. I don't want to make him sad and seem way too selfish, he has done way too much for me during this period of time... He says that there won't be any emotion, just as the animals in the jungle, as he says... Pretty lame but I'm ready to think about it if it keeps our relationship together. But also I'm afraid that my jealousy may ruin it as well... What should I do??? Please don't judge us... We just don't want to make troubles to each others families...
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (17 June 2011):
 I also can't believe you are considering this. You are worth so much more than that. The fact you know you will feel jealous shows you know this isn't right.
When he got with you, and the whole of your relationship he has known of your values around sex. Yet he has chosen to be with you. If you chose a girlfriend/boyfriend, you accept them for who they are, including sexual values. Ok you are both young, but the point is, if he wanted a girlfriend he could have regular sex with, he should not have begun and stayed in a relationship with someone who wants to remain a virgin until much later. Obviously he really likes you as a person, as he has stayed with you, but that does not give him the right to have sex with another woman, just because he has had to do without sex to be with you.
Very, very few people have open relationships or more than one partner at the same time. This is because it rarely works. Humans are naturally too jealous for this to work, so it makes sense to be either single or in a monogamous relationship. I can almost guarentee that if you go along with his wish, your relationship will go downhill from that moment. The hurt and jealousy will destroy what you have. In fact, he has risked that already by just asking the question.
Basically, he is a young guy who has urges and desires to have lots and lots of sex, but cares for you. He is in a dilema. He wants to be with you, but still wants to have sex. So he has come up with this great idea to just have "meaningless sex" as well as be with you. This may seem like a simple solution, but it is not. He wants to have his cake and eat it, but he cannot without hurting and disrespecting you and your relationship. It is unfair of him to do this. He needs to work out what is more important for him in a relationship right now. The bond he shares with you? Or a new partner he can have sex with?
Please, do not be tempted to say yes to his question. Do not think it will make him stay with you, as it will only do more damage down the line, and will hurt you deeply, no matter how strong you think you are. Also you have to ask yourself, does a guy who is willing to risk your relationship to have sex with someone else really, really love and care for you? He may be young and hormonal, but he is old enough to know what he is asking. Sex is not essential for him and not his right. If he believes this, he is with the wrong woman. Don't let him have his cake and eat it. Either he wants to be with you enough to wait, or he doesn't. It's not like you don't touch him either. You said you do other stuff. That should be enough to satisfy him, if he truely loves you. It may get frustrating to not be able to take it further, but seriously, he needs to man up!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): you need to let go off him. The reason is either of you will never be happy. He needs sex which you wont give. So you better let him go. He will not regret in life. Neither will you. Its a pain for both of you folks in the present state.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 He does not "need " it at all- since he will be masturbating like any normal 19 y.o. boy.He WANTS to do it, -that's different.
Btw, are you sure that you don't have a problem with a guy who'd have no scruples using a girl as a disposable receptacle for his sperm ?
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 He doesn't NEED this. He's not going to swell up and explode in a horrific mushroom cloud of jizz.
Tell him to go watch porn instead- fair compromise I think... and a hell of a lot more... well... less stupid in every possible way.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 uhhh...really? lol. i can't believe you're entertaining this idea. if he needs to stick his dick in something that bad, tell him to find another girlfriend. i can't believe he asked you that. HE ASKED YOU IF HE COULD CHEAT ON YOU. it's that simple. i don't know why you're justifying or rationalizing this. it's black and white. he wants sex. you're not giving it to him. he wants to get it somewhere else. AKA: cheating. i'd be damned if i let the person i was with pull that crap.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (16 June 2011):
 Ask him, if its okay for you to have unemotional anamilistic sex with another man just to "put my mind at ease" also...lets see how fast he will backtrack on his own suggestion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): How kind of him to ask your permission to cheat on you.
NOT. That's very rude and self-centered of him. Someone who truly loves you will not make a big fuss if you can't or don't want to have sex. He will respect that about you, not ask if he can have sex "just as the animals in the jungle."
Tell him NO, he should not have sexual interactions with another female, and if he can't restrain himself, then he can find a new girlfriend.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but this level of disrespect to someone he's been dating for years is dizzying.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): If the sex he's gonna have is meaningless than he might as well just masturbate. If you are in a relationship set boundaries that he needs to respect your predicament and deal with himself in other ways. Allowing him to do that early on will result in a familiarity to "cheating" or getting satisfied by others
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A
male
reader, Partyboy123  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 hey,there is no chance in HELL that i would allow my partner to do that! seriously, this will complicate things, leaving you pissed off and jealous, leaving him feeling really guilty and stupid.. if you give him permission to do it, he will think you are ok with it whenever he feels like it.. cheating is cheating, sharing things with another person other than your partner is not right.GAH i cannot even explain how this would make me feel if my partner wanted to do this.WHY DOES HE WANT TO DO IT WITH ANOTHER GIRL? CLEARLY, HE IS NOT ENTIRELY YOURS.... NOR DOES HE WANT TO BE IF HE IS THINKING OF CHEATING (even if hes asking you permission). HE SHOULD BE WILLING TO WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE READY!ask your mother what she thinks, i can guarantee she will tell you to say no or break up with him...hope i helped.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): I'm not entirely sure how things are done in Greece, or if it's common for parents to check their children's "virginity" or not...but that seems a little excessive to me, however different cultures...different way to do things I suppose.One thing is not different, and that's how a person should be treated when in a loving, committed relationship. No, it's not okay for him to cheat on you to "relieve his stress" or "take the pressure off" or to "knock one out" to feel better. Those excuses are a cop out because he's horny. He absolutely is asking your permission to cheat on you. He says it's an emotion-less experience...also a lie. Two people are sharing a moment in time where they're making love to one another. Whether or not it's love-making or straight up sex...whether or not he's looking at her while he's doing it...whether or not he even knows the girls name...it's something he's sharing with another woman. It's cheating.It's up to you to decide how you feel about him cheating on you. It's up to you to figure out how you feel that he doesn't respect you enough to wait. People have had sex before and gone years without it...and it didn't kill them. It's up to you to figure out how you feel about YOUR man asking to cheat on you. My opinion? It's disrespectful, both to you and your beliefs. It will indefinitely put a strain on your relationship, because you don't sound like the type of person to be okay with sharing him for stupid reasons, if any reason at all.Him having sex with or wanting to have sex with another girl absolutely gives you cause to be jealous. Talk with him about it. If he can't wait and needs to have sex with someone so bad - he's putting that need of his because the relationship you both share.Don't let him guilt you or make you feel bad for being against it. Respect yourself, your beliefs, and demand respect in return. THAT is one of the building blocks in a successful relationship. Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): Hi there, I'm sorry things are a bit difficult for you.Now for the truth, even though he is 19 and a little hormonal, if he loves you truly, he will be able to come to an understanding of how to grow in patience and character.For example he does not need to sleep with another woman, there are other things he can do untill he gets in control of his hormones. Try and wait and be patient and do not fall for this pressure. Let him go his own way if he wants to be with someone else, you may decide to tell him that if he does decide to have sex with someone else the relationship is off as you are not ready to have sex.In his view waiting for years may seem to much for him BUT that is not your issue. Try not to let it make you sad, there is plenty of love to be had in your life and a whole future ahead of you.
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