A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm sorry this is so long but really feel the need to spill all. I have been living with my partner for 8 months. About one month after I moved in he started to become very jealous and possessive. He wanted me to stop seeing my single friends that I went out with before I met him. I said no but he has worn me down and now I hardly ever see them. When I go out with them he rings me and shouts, most of the time he will find me and start an argument which means I have to leave as I am so upset. Recently we've had so many arguments. He asked me to stop shouting when we argue. I agreed as this was reasonable. I went out with my friends a month ago, he found me and got really upset, he was angry about what I wore, thinking my top was too low-cut, he said some really nasty and insulting things, which led me to slap him. I was really ashamed about this, in return he punched me. I admitted I had slapped him first and deserved the response. Then the last time we both went out with my friends to try and make an effort he started another row, this led to him hurting my arm. He says he is sorry for hurting me but that I am making a big deal about this, that he could do it to any other woman and they wouldn't been upset about it. We've agreed again to stop arguing but he wants me to understand that he can't be held responsible for his actions, that he loses his temper and that when he lashes out my reaction is over the top. That I shouldn't be upset. I am scared to leave him - I have no family and my friends love him, when I moved in I gave him a lot of money to help with the mortgage and things, I have nothing left and no home. It all stems from his jealousy, as long as I am not out with single friends he is great - how do I cope with his jealousy.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (8 July 2007):
 If you read your own question, it should be clear to you that this is trouble. Without even talking about the way yo physically abuse each other, his thoughts are not realistic or deserved. He's trying to control his insecurities by dominating you. If he dominates you and keeps you on a short leash, he fears nothing. He does not have to fix his own problems because while you're under his thumb, his problems subside.
Look at all the rotten things he's done. Look at what you wrote. As long as I'm not out with single friends he's great. WRONG !!! That's HIS version of great because he's got you in his sites. AS soon as you demonstrate any sign of individuality, he goes crazy. This can not go on.
As long as you play by his rules, you actually reinforce his perverse view. Every time you give in, he feels his actions were justified. Then one day when you stand up to him and he'll snap. That's because after playing by his rules for so long, he'll be shocked to see you question him. Get out while you can.
A
female
reader, TaylorChu  +, writes (8 July 2007):
 No no no no! Honey, leave now. You are being physically and verbally abused!!! No man should use his girlfriend as a punching bag or control what she wears or who she talks to. Do not be scared of him. LEAVE. You and him have no bond. No engagement and no marriage vows were exchanged. Your love died when he punched you in the face. I dont care how much his friends love him or that all your stuff is mingled together in the apartment. You take a day off of work, call those old friends and tell them he is abusing you (YES IT IS ABUSE) and you get out of that place and away from him immediately. You were raised better than this. A relationship between adults is a PARTNERSHIP not you get whipped, scolded or hit because you didnt do something he said. If you have to, get a restraining order for your work place. Call the police and have them get you with a group that helps battered women. His manipulation, harsh words and bad behavior are not your fault they are his! So what another woman would treat him better. After a while she'd see the type of man he is and leave too OR do the same thing you are doing and living in fear. He is not your master. You are not his slave. Kill the relationship off and you fix your life while you are still alive and not bruised or broken in body!!!!
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A
female
reader, Ask_HanBan +, writes (8 July 2007):
 he sounds like he has insecurities,
my best advice is to get away from him,
good lk hannah:)
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (8 July 2007):
 Well I dont think it stems from jealousy as much his own insecurities. As such its really something he needs help with maybe even from a proffessional source. If he isnt willing to get that or at least attempt to control his temper then you really shouldnt accept him trying to make it your fault because it isnt. If you carry on in this situation then he will just grind you down even further.
Your friends may love him but I am sure if they were told this then they are unlikely to turn against you especially as they have seen first hand how he treats you. It is important that you dont start blaming yourself. I really think you need to confide in somebody before this gets worse.
If you give your all and he wont change then you have to think about ending the relationship. Hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 July 2007):
 Call me old-fashioned, but I think everyone must be held responsible for what he does. So, his punching you and losing his temper ARE things you should hold him responsible for. And I don't think they are justified.
I don't think you should cope with his jealousy; he should. He is the one who starts arguments in public. he is the possessive one, because he is insecure. But that's his problem.
I think you should think hard whether not being able to see your friends, all the things deriving from his jealousy, and his wish of not taking responsibility for what he does are the kind of life you want to live.
If you have no money left, I suggest you try to save a bit, just in case.
Hope this helps.
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