A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:i just dont understand any of this.7 months ago i met a man,he is 40 never been married i'm 43 been in along term relationship which ended some time ago.i wasnt interested in the beginning,but the guy kept phoning me so i gave in and we started seeing each other,it was just on a friday night to begin with.then he wanted to come to my house in the week,i refused number of times because i have a 14 year old son and i didnt want to interduce him to someone who might not hang around for long.but after a while things were going well so i let him come round a few times for a coffee while my son was there.then he started to stay more often over night.he asked me if i would like him to decorate my bathroom,i thought this was nice so i let him.he was always hinting about moving in.so i said he could,i was deeply in love with him.he then changed his mind and kept saying his head was messed up and he didnt know what he wanted,i became upset a lot and was crying.one minute he was close next he was distant.i finished it a number of times,but always got him back and he came.now its got to the stage he doesnt bother calling me,i call him.he has said he doesnt want a relationship or to settle down,but still wants to come round.its like he is controlling the situation.i have no desire to move on,but i do not want to be treated like this.he changes his mind everyday on life issues and i'm thinking maybe he could change his mind about us.he says he cares about me but doesnt love me.its like he is afraid and cant let himself go,and as soon as i get close he backs off.i'm confused.
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female
reader, flyingskirt  +, writes (8 July 2007):
Isis is on the ball!!! If he's 40 and never been married, he probably believes in the myth of "The One", so he doesn't realize that the "crisis of doubt" he experiences whenever he gets deep in a relationship with a woman he cares about is a normal emotion that happens to everyone every time. So when he experiences this incredible anxiety you describe, he decides the anxiety means that woman is not "The One".This sounds like a classic example from "A Fine Romance" by Dr. Judith Sills, even down to your ages and his reaction. In the example the woman gave the man an ultimatum for engagement in 6 months, no arguments or anything, just backed waaaaay off from him. He had six months to get adjusted to the idea of engagement/marriage, and at the end of the period he presented her with a ring. i'm not recommending you ultimatum him, but i am recommending you read the book AND/OR take control over that relationship.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 July 2007):
 I'm with flower_girl. He should make up his mind whether he wants commitment or not.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (8 July 2007):
 Sounds as though he likes the idea of your company and sex but does not want the commitment, so you need to decide wether you want to sit around and wait for him on the off chance he might decide he wants to be with you on a more perminant basis.
Obviously like you said you have a child and he is prepared to send out mixed signals to him, because as much as you try to shield him from this he will have picked up on alot of it.
If this man can't stop messing you about and commit to you is he really worth all of your time and effort?
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, Isis +, writes (8 July 2007):
Hi
You need to take some control back in this relationship. It sounds like he wanted to be in a relationship but once he realised you were there for him he started to look for other things.
Tell him what is on your mind, go back to only seeing him once a week or less. When he is treating you like this he really is affecting your son as well.
Explain how you feel and you don't want to lose him but that you are willing to put yourself first and not him. Maybe then he will see sense. Even if it means that he opens up more and explains how he feels "messed up"
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