A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been living with my partner for 10 years. We have 2 kids. My name is not on anything because I am trying to up my credit score (bad credit). He is an ocd neat freak. I am messy. The house isn't a nightmare, but it's not pristine either. He wants me to keep it so clean you could lick the walls. When he is gone for work (he travels) I don't clean until right before he comes home and this makes him livid. He told me this was my last chance... Found a smudge on the wall... Now says I have a day to clean the house or I'm out and he's keeping the kids. Any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 May 2014):
 OP, I am a very messy ADHD person. My hubby is OCD neat(truly he made me wash all the dishes at thanksgiving before I sat down to eat because he can't cope with anything out of place) WE have no pets, we have no small children and yet we still have to do daily maintenance to maintain a livable home. WHAT I SEE as liveable he sees as a disaster. It's stressful for both of us.
To be honest there are a few smudges on our walls (laundry baskets hit the wall or my ring scrapes the wall or the cleaning lady's broom hit the ceiling and there is a smudge there) and there are a few piles that don't bother me but make him nuts... he copes with it because I work full time and I have a physical disability that means I am limited in the amount of deep cleaning I can do.
We have a cleaning team come every two weeks and it's about 6 man hours to clean the house which is NOT messy which I try to maintain daily.
His giving you a day to clean what is probably a disaster is not realistic. He needs to sit with you and plan room by room what to clean and how. It's probable you are overwhelmed by this mess and not even sure where to start.
I am betting if you START and do a bit of effort daily this will improve.
DO NOT wait till the day before he returns you will NEVER catch up...
Since you don't see a way out with your children you have to figure out how to make this work.
I suggest you check out sidetracked home executives (webstie) or flylady.com for help and support.
I also suggest you and your guy sit down and map out a plan on how to get through this.
If he works full time and you are a SAHM, then the burden of maintaining the house falls on you.
While i have a cleaning team I still run the vacuum and wipe the sinks and counters regularly. I wipe the mirror in our bathroom and our sink almost daily.. I keep wipes in the bathroom and it's two seconds to grab one after my morning or evening routine and give a swipe to the shinny things.
An occasional toilet needs a quick swish between the maids visits.
While i resented his OCD needs at first... I actually have learned to truly appreciate the ability to put my hands on any item at any time. I like that my feet don't get dirty when I walk barefoot in my home...I love that there is a place for everything and everything in it's place.
ONCE you get it under control, you can spend 20 mintues a day maintaining it. If the kids are 5 or older they can help... check out what chores kids can (and should) do.
Teaching your kids to live in a mess is not healthy for them either... I lived in a clean home but I had no clue how to clean because my mother did it while I was at school and I never learned. Once I learned I was so overwhelmed with the mess i could not get started...
you need a starting place.
so pick a room... (ask him which room bothers him the most) and then get three boxes.. one says "get rid of"
one says "keep" and one says "maybe"
be ruthless... get rid of any clothes no one has worn in over a year... same for shoes etc. torn broken things are not getting mended toss them.. or donate them and take a tax break....
if you are not sure if you will need something put it in a box marked maybe... label what's in the box and seal it. if in 6 months you have not opened the box.. TOSS IT.
before you can CLEAN you have to straighten...
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 There 's always two sides to a story and if we have to take at face value what you say, the man is a monster and a bully . Imagine, threatening to kick out the mother of his kids because he found a smudge on the wall ( btw, how do you even GET a smudge on the wall ? a smudge of what ? ).
But, it all depends. It sounds to me that the guy is just at the end of his rope, and he had enough after 10 years of living in a mess. You do not work, and you do not clean for days ,maybe weeks in a row, so, if he says that you sit around reading all day , he's not that far from the truth I guess ?
I think you are being ingenerous making him pass as an OCD lunatic with a fixation on pristine. The way you tell the story, you sort of imply that eveything was fine and acceptable and he went berserk just because of one smudge on the wall. Frankly, I doubt it, if the house is not cleaned for days or weeks in a row, and you just give it the occasional cat's lick in a hurry before " daddy " comes home, forget about pristine- it will be barely livable.
How is it that, having time on your hands, you can't motivate yourself , not to become Martha Stewart, but to get a bit organized , to stick to a ( very spare ) list of must-do ,to do something a little every day, to tidy up even just one hour a day, but regularly ?.
With an hour a day your house would not be shipshape , but at least not indecorous.
How come you can't care at all about your surroundings ? It is his house... but it's where you live too , where your kids live, where you and them could invite your friends..
Are you depressed ? Are you in poor health ? Are you unhappy in this relationship and do you secretly want out, and just stay because you have no choice, and your sloppiness is the exterior sign of your interior " rebellion " ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): You know, I once broke up with a guy because of his messiness.
You don't work, what are you doing all day if you are not even cleaning.
I have a friend like this. She doesn't work, her kids are to even living with her anymore, she has 3 cats, and this is all she does sits all day in a house, doesn't cook, doesn't clean. Her difference is that she has a cleaning lady so comes once a month. But that only keeps a house clean for a week. And then It all go back to "normal"
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 May 2014):
 Just because your name is not on the lease, he can't just kick you out on the street. You've become a common law resident of that dwelling. You'd at least have enough time to find a new place, worst case scenario, if he tried to get you to leave. I know that's not necessarily the whole gist of your qiestion, but I at least wanted to clarify that for you, so you don't think you'll be out with no where to go.
As for your partner - I've been there. I'm like you; I'm not super cleanly but certainly not nasty. And I've made the mistake of dating OCD clean freaks. I found that we drove each other crazy. My ex used to get pissed if I washed my hands and didn't mop up the water droplets left behind with a hand towel. The final straw was when I received a stern lecture for dropping one finely shredded morsel of cheese (I don't even know how she saw it, it was so small) on the carpet from my burrito. That's when I realized I can't live like that.
I don't want someone who is disgusting. But I certainly don't want to live in fear I missed a spot of water on the sink and will be lectured for it. Screw that. That's a miserable existence. And one I won't tolerate. So I left.
I know this isn't as easy, as you share kids together. You need to evaluate how happy you are in this relationship. If you're anything like me, you're not happy. I can't be with someone like that. You shouldn't have to live in fear of eviction because of a smudge on the wall. He sounds miserable to live with.
Don't let him bully you like that. He doesn't have as much control as he thinks. As I stated, he can't just kick you out. And he can't just keep full custody of your kids. It doesn't work like that. Stand your ground. They are your kids, too. And you live there, also, despite the lease agreement. So put your foot down. Tell him he's being unreasonable and you won't live in fear anymore. See what he says to that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): We need to know more about this...What do you do during the day?Why do you rush it just before he comes back? Frankly, that's what children do when told to tidy their rooms; it is not effective.Does he do any housework?How much was this discussed before the commitments were made (children, living together, etc.)? A very clean person should not live with a very messy person, let alone have children - if there has been no compromise.Did you make the smudge or did the children?What cleaning do you do?What housework do you do?Does he get mad at the children if they forget to tidy up every last toy or make their bed? That's not okay, depending on their ages and how many times he's asked them nicely.How does he treat you if you have not cleaned to his standards?Would he really lick the wall or is that his exaggeration of his expectations?Would you get a job so you can instead hire a maid once a week?A tip: I am/was VERY messy. Then my room was being renovated (cracks in the walls and ceilings), so all I had was a bed. All of my things were in boxes all over the house and I had no idea where anything was. It was like that for about 18 months before it became back to normal. I was desperate to organise and dust everything, so I did. If you keep up with it, it won't get on top of you. If you leave it until you absolutely have to do it, it's overwhelming and disheartening, so you just feel depressed while doing it.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (14 May 2014):
 Haha.. I am OCD, but not THAT OCD.
I think he may be upset at the fact that you are not helping keep the house clean and caring for your children since you are not working and have the time to do so. As a man who is out working all day to provide for his family, he may want to come home to a clean inviting house, with warm meals and knows his kids are well taken care of. I also believe that as a wife and mother, especially one who does not have to work, you should be able to provide that.
Talk to him and try to come to a compromise. I know that you must love your kids a lot and maybe a compromise would be a better solution than to separate with your husband. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): SO basically, you sit around all day, doing pretty much nothing and can't be bothered to clean the house. Wow. You are a catch!
Sorry to be blunt, but if this man is working and providing for everything then you should make an effort. It doesn't sound like he is extreme OCD (like people who examine the top of doors, checking for dirty or checking under the fridge/stoves etc to ensure no crumbs) No, he just sounds just like someone who wants to live in a clean home. Naturally he would be protective of it if he invested 5yrs which you clearly do not respect. I would be really annoyed too with someone sitting around all day and causing marks on the walls etc.
You make it sound like it is your last chance. But it has been 10yrs...so you have had 10yrs of chances. My guess is you have had hundreds of "chances" to not be so sloppy and dirty.
You sound very spoilt, selfish and lazy. What do you even do all day? I don't blame him one bit. Get your act together, stop being lazy, do some cleaning. The man isn't asking for much to want a clean house. If you can not do then just leave.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 May 2014):
I don't see why you'd want to salvage this "relationship".
If you are home all day I don't blame him for expecting you to clean, but he's crossed a line. If you can't live up to his unrealistic standards, then you either need to leave him or find a way to improve the relationship.
That doesn't mean you need to bend to his will, it means you two need to learn to work together. Counseling, etc.
Otherwise leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): Firstly, seeing as YOU live with HIM, this tells me that it is his house. So you perhaps moved in with him with him into HIS place when you guys hooked up.
If you are living in someone's place, it is respectful to keep it a certain way of what their wishes are. (If you bought the house, that is a different story if he then moved in with you. Then you can be as much of a slob as you like)
To be honest, I think you sound quite selfish. You sound lazy and like a slob. You completely do not care about his wishes. I don't think he is asking a lot of you to keep the place clean. It should be mutual respect to do so. I personally will not want to live with someone like you. I enjoy living in a clean place. I would be quite annoyed if my partner was making a huge mess in my house while I was away. And if he hurriedly cleaned right before he knew I was going to be there. And now your dirtiness is now causing damages.No offence, but I would have kicked you out a long time ago. He sounds like he has spoken to you about his wishes many times over the ten years to not be dirty. But you have made no care to his wishes. And by the way, his wishes are not self centred or impractical to expect a clean house to come home to esp if he is working long hours and away.
Now the question about him keeping the kids: NO he can not keep them on the basis that you are a slob. Perhaps if there is other evidence that you are not working and can not support them etc. The courts, however, generally tend to side with the mothers unless the father has really strong evidence.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 May 2014):
 Do you really think the courts will let a guy suffering from OCD take kids who are known for messiness?? What will he tell the courts - that a smudge was on the walls??
He'll need to come up with child support for those kids, and the courts will choose a mother who isn't getting treated for mental issues over a father who is. He can't touch your parental rights, and he could be in very big trouble if he DOES try.
Stay calm and inform him of such. Not only that, but if he's been your partner of 10 years, your state could have common law marriage protection for you as well if you've been investing into the life you lead, helping pay for the house you live in, own the possessions in it, and enable him to work and earn 401(k)'s.
Your name not being on anything makes no difference if you can prove that you helped pay for it. The guy is controlling, so he knew what he was doing and doesn't have you around the bend like he thinks he does.
Call his bluff, and if he's stupid enough to try taking them, take him to the cleaners. You don't need money to file in court, but you do need a lawyer, which will cost. Do you work??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): OP here. We have a cabin on our property that is unfit for human habitation. He wants me to move into it. I have no car (in his name), no job (but I'm working on that!). I would prefer to live nearby so we can co-parent.
He didnt care about the our last house being pristine but since he built this one with his own hands (literally, it took 5 years), he is *very* protective of it & says it is only his & that I am "a leech who sits around reading all day & making clutter".
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (13 May 2014):
 Hi,
That sounds a tad unrealistic (he would never get custody just because of that). I would remind him that kids can be messy, it's how they learn and how they interact with the world.
If you know you are messy, you could make a bit more of an effort, but for him to demand this one last chance is too much.
If he doesn't like your mess, I dread to think what he will think living in a house with kids on his own.
I'm sorry to say that he sounds a lot like a person I have met through counseling his partner. Said person was OCD too and when he tried something similar, he ended up smacking one of the children that drew on a wall.
I would ask him politely to speak to his doctor about receiving some medicine to control his outbursts and OCD. I would begin to also seek help from a lawyer or legal professional as you don't know how far he will take this issue of keeping the kids.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 May 2014):
 Um, he can't just kick you out. If that is your residence (you receive mail there). He can't TAKE the kids.
You need to consult a lawyer. Since you aren't married you might still be entitled to the same things as a "wife" does. (common law marriage).
No idea how old you kids are and if you are working. If you are working, then maybe it's time to find a place of for you and the kids.
This has been going on for 10 years?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): I think you need to consult a lawyer quickly.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 May 2014):
 Think about whether or not you want to spend another 10 years like this, living under the threat that a smudge on the wall could result in eviction from your own home, just because you're name isn't on it... But where would you go, you know? It is effectively your home too, after living there so long, so how fun it is to live with such threats?
He can't "take" the kids, that battle needs to go down in court unless you find a solution you are both okay with. Just because he has a house doesn't mean you can't also buy a house one day, or just rent. And if he's the one with the money, he'll be paying child support, so I wouldn't worry about that. Even if you're not married, he still needs to support his kids.
Think about what kind of life YOU want.
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