A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I feel like this question is stupid :( but please help me out.So me and my boyfriend have been going out for 1yr and 3 months or so. At the start of our relstionship, it wasnt the best, i felt so upset with him at times with the things he would say. He once told me that he spoke to his friend about me today .. so i was curious and got him to tell me thinking it was going to be a cute thing, he then told me that he told his friend that he feels bad giving people second looks cause he is happy with me and he feels bad for looking at other people... i was quite annoyed at this.. so i asked the question "did you ever look at people when you with your ex" - I asked this for tworeasos, during the start of our relatonship he spoke about his ex for hours on end. he used to gt angry about her - call her a slut and tell me the famous story of how she cheated on him like three times - i felt sorry for him but at the same time, i felt hurt, as i felt like he wasnt letting go - i also asked becase it sounded like he treated her better - he randomly told me that for Valentines day he gt her roses delieverd to her house and how she moaned at him cause they were yellow (that means friendship or something??) he said they cost like $50 - so when we were having our first valentines day togeather, i was excitted as he told me he would get my flowers - he handed them to me to which i turned them round to reveal where he had got them - a discounted store. He used to say to me also that they spent too much time togeather so he didnt want to see me much and be like that again. I still remebr how he tried to make up an excuse so badly before just saying "its a bit much, isnt it?" when i suggested we would meet up saturday and sunday - it literally broke my heart. Oh and i forgot!!! when i waswith him he randomly showed me avideo - of him and his mates egging her house after she broke up with him. so, back to the looking at girls thing. he then said, no, he didnt look at girls with her. i was upset by this - why am i not good enough for him? why was she miss perfect yet all she did was cheat. So, lately he has said he doesnt find girls attractive, i loved when he said that. it made me feel like he only had eyes for me. then one day he mentioned this girl at uni and i asked him if she was pretty - nothing wrong with that, eh? and he refused to answer, i said that he must find her pretty and he kept denying it. the next day he phoned me up and asked if i wanted to talk about it, i said okay, still he got angry about it. and then started saying that he thinks it is okay to look at girls and all along he has been lying to me. he then started naming girls who he found attractive. i was hurt when first on his list was a girl who he called once a "slag" and then that uni girl was also there. i checked out their profiles of a few of them and i was hurt, they all had big breasts - and this, again, is something which hurt me as a few months ago, he asked me what i disliked about myself - i told him my breasts - to me,i hate them, they are small and also my nipples are inverted, one day, if i dont snap out of it, i would like a boob job, i feel less womenly with no nipples. he then agreed with me, saying "yeah, when we first started going out, i didnt like them at first either" i was heartbroken, he suddenly took it back but he still said it and it has stuck with me. also, i asked him once if he thought other girls were pretty than me, he said yes - only a few but there are. again, this shattered my secruities. firstly, he says he didnt like my breastssecondly, he always tells me how well he treated his ex, i get hardly anything - cause he likes how i am not marterialised - but im jelous hearing of stories of what he bought her and what do i get? Nothing. Thirdly, he says that there are prettier people than me. and finally, he now says girls are pretty and he has lied all along - he says our relationship isnt healthy sometimes and he cant stand the arguments, but i just feel so insecure cause of what he has said - yet he says i make him say those things :( i dont know what to do.
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breasts, broke up, flowers, heartbroken, his ex, insecure, nipples Reply to this Question
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female
reader, victoriaaa1993  +, writes (15 December 2011):
i think you are just his rebound girl and hes so insecure himself because of all the times he got cheated on that he is taking it all out on you. you should break up with him and then MAYBE he'll appreciate you.. because it sounds as if hes still in love with his ex.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): Just a note for consideration.
Aspergers is a form of Autism that many people suffer and are undiagnosed with so a man can appear to be a dick but in reality, he lacks social cues, cannot read body langauge, appears to lack empathy, they take sarcastic comments literally, internal thoughts are often verbalized.
Just so people become aware that there are millions of people out in the world that are going misunderstood and are alienated because they don't KNOW better.
;)
So is BF a dick or something else going on? Couple that with a hyper senstive young woman...
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (29 November 2011):
 Your boyfriend is a dick. Plain and simple. He doesn't like your breasts? Then he doesn't get to see them, and a guy more worthy does.
You don't make him say those things, he says them because he has no tact.
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (28 November 2011):
 I just gotta say one thing, and that's this:
Dont feel ashamed of your breasts. Every girl is different, meaning every girl is unique. Uniqueness=Beauty, in my mind. I used to be so depressed about my breasts, "Almost an A" was/is my cup size, and all the women in my family, both sides, have huge breasts, even my younger sister!
But I learned to realize that I can still wear a sexy bra for my boyfriend, and I can wear clothes normally, the ones made to fit supermodels!
I know you've got help about everything else, so I just wanted to talk to you about this, because I can relate!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): And I didn't give you the standard you deserve better like all your friends did, now Did I? And lo and behold, not what you wanted to hear.
Tell me one thing, if you KNEW he wasn't over his EX, why did you date him? Take some ownership.
Perhaps you were both settling and both the rebound? The age thing comes to play as well.
Why I don't think young men and women should long term date anyone for some time.
You will get more of the positive treatment from guys and better learn what you like and dont like and have a better grasp of patterns of behaviours and 'flags' when it comes to serious dating down the road, when you are ready for marriage and past the mid twenties.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): Then tell him how you feel and maybe re think about rephrasing how you pose questions so they are FAIR to yourself and to him.
Seriously.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 November 2011):
 People who come for advice never want to hear the truth... your pretty, you funny, your kind, your all that and more.. and you definitely got fire in your belly..But, you love a guy, and the truth is "he just aint that into you", (Use google to find the book) not his fault, and definitely not yours. I like chocolate, you like vanilla. It's obvious he was still in love with his ex, and now that love has gone, he doesn't turn to you, instead he is looking at other woman.Do you want me to lie.. yea, right.. ok, lies coming up, your his perfect woman, and he loves you, and you just got to understand him. (LIE! LIE! LIE)Truth is, sorry babes, you is the "Rebound Girl" the one who made him feel wanted and safe. But he doesn't love you, your not the woman for him, already his eye is taken by other women that suit him more. He's not acting like a man in love. Even if you have an ex, when you are in love you give the new woman everything.Hurts! Yes of course! You love him! Yes you do! But this is not about love.. This is about how a wonderful woman like you deserves to be treated. DUMP HIM. Ton's of guys out there who will give you there heart and soul, they will see how special you are. One day this guy will find the right woman, and he will have no problem dumping you. Again nothing wrong with you, he's just not the right guy. He's looking for chocolate, but he settles for vanilla. Other guys love vanilla and will die to taste it.Me favourite motto - I CAN LOVE YOU FROM AFAR.. BUT IF I DUMP YOU I CAN FIND HAPPINESSYou love him now, but wait, just wait for the vanilla guy.. he will give you so much joy and happiness, security and love, you'll be smiling even in your sleep. This guy aint the right one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): for your information "chalice" I did not respond in a negative way to the flowers, I did in my mind, but I did not say anything to him regarding the flowers and nver have.Firstly, I do not have the "I am a victim attitude" - I do not feel like a victim, a victim of what for heaven sakes?? a relationship?! its not like i am married or im getting beaten etc, If i felt like a victim i wouldnt be with him, I just feel that his words are hurtful at times. I do think i am quite pretty actually. I have alot of self confidence in mysef, expcet my breast but to be honest, that is my insecurity and so what if i dont like them - Ive had people in bars ask me why i am with him even infront of my bf and i always tellthem where to go cause in my eyes he is handsome, I just feel like he has said hurtful things to me and ihaven let them go.just YOU take a second to think what it would be like to hear your bf say all that about you, I mean, wouldnt it stick with ye?? cause it cetainly has with me!!! so by all means email me back and keep the chat coming because i do not feel like a victim and you have totally just read my question and slated me. what the hell?? i was asking for advice! from people who dont know me - im sick of my friends just agreeing with me, obv cause they are my friends.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 November 2011):
Your boyfriend obviously has his flaws, lack of tact being one of them. He obviously loved his ex very much, invested a lot in her (both mentally and financially) and was very hurt when she betrayed him like that. I think the reason he told you the story so often is because it was a big deal to him and the reason why he treats you differently than her: he's protecting himself. I'm not saying the way he goes about it is okay, it isn't. I'm just showing the reason.
Also, with a guy that has the tendency to be brutally honest you have to really make sure you want to know the answer to every question you ask him.
When it comes to gifts, don't look the gift horse in the mouth. When I get a present, I don't care if they're worth $5 or $50, as long as I like what's given to me. Actually, a bigger mount of money would make me nervous. So don't look at it as a sign she's better than you. It's a sign he's more careful about his finances and learned from his past mistakes. It must be hard spending a huge amount of money and gifts on someone only to be smacked in the face through cheating. I don't think he truly realizes how inferior it makes you feel that he happily spent so much money on her while he buys so little for you.
So tell him that. Communication is GOLD in every relationship.
As for looking at other girls: EVERY guy looks at other girls. Not in a sexual way, per se, but they notice good looks when they see em'. You notice pretty girls too, don't you? You notice pretty guys as well, right? Doesn't mean you want to get together with them, but that you simply observe. Well, having found out you are sensitive about that subject, he tried to backtrack when you asked that question. Can't blame him for that.
The lesson here: NEVER ask "is she pretty" when you can't handle the answer. It's not an innocent question: you were subconsciously sizing up the competition-- through him no less. You need to stop viewing other girls as competition: they would be if he was single and you were pining for him, but as it stands he's with you. So you've already won! So enjoy the victory instead of guarding the gates all the time.
As I said before, your boyfriend's main problem is that he can be brutally honest. Because you can't handle that, he tries to lie and backtrack, which he fails miserably at. Which makes you feel bad again because it makes you question the value of his words.
You two really have to get some of these misunderstandings out of the way if you want this to work
#1. You really need to work on your self esteem. Instead of getting down about other girls being prettier than you, you need to start realizing that it doesn't matter. You're good enough.
#2. He needs to filter his words better and he needs to stop talking about his ex.
#3. You both need to explain to each other what gets to you, so you both can take those things into account.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 November 2011):
First, never feel bad about asking questions. Questions are good, no question is ever stupid.Second, I just read a couple of lines, and I don't need to read anymore. The guy aint treating you right... DUMP HIM NOW.If he loves you, well then he'll fight to get you back and he'll start treating you better. If he lets you go, then he's not worth it, leave him there to dream/get angry at his ex, other women, his mother, or whatever his problem is.Get out, it's not worth it, guy isn't treating you right and that's the only thing that matters. He won't start to love you and treat you right if you stay there and put up with such crap.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): I think you are caught up in the whole "I'm a victim" that you can't be happy with what YOU DO HAVE.What were you doing asking such SET UP questions anyways? This guy is so inexperienced to not realize he was being asked UNFAIR questions. Seriously.Firstly, YOU NEED to love yourself and see yourself as amazing or it won't matter whom you are dating- you will ask unfair questions, get honest answers, or disbelieve the answers if they are not 'honest'. Stop those games IMMEDIATELY.Secondly, adjust the perspective, focus on what you do have and work on being grateful. He got you flowers. PERIOD. Tell him thank you so much and kiss him, rain them on his handsome face. Look what happened the last time he gave flowers - he was sh*t on. Oh look what you Did, pooped on him. So is he going to want to buy flowers again? NOPE.Where as had you been postive and thankful for the flowers-he would see he gets all that affection so he will feel safer to do so the NEXT time he is being thoughtful.Thirdly, he says there are prettier people than you because you make him say things with your insecure set up questions. You keep up the games and insecurity, hell yah, he will start being unhappy and feeling like he can't do a damned thing to make you happy. Men WANT to FEEL they can make their woman happy and loved. It makes them feel like a SUPERHERO and here you are being a fun sucker with your poopy, "I'm A Victim" attitude.About the breasts, he grew to love them as he loved you yet you focus on the - I didn't like them at first. YOU SET HIM UP and then come here and complain about this poor guy who may in fact be a good guy.The relationship is UNHEALTHY because of your fears and insecurities. You are self fulfilling prophecy with your fears "I'm not pretty enough" and he will leave me. So you then start acting all desparate, play games, then get upset - cycle of abuse/drama- and then wonder why he is starting to fall out of love with you?PLEASE , PLEASE get counselling otherwise, you will never be healthy and strong enough to enjoy the beauty of dating and falling in love in peace. Let alone be happy and thankful to recognize when you have a good man in your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): I have to ask why on earth you are bothering to persue this relationship. He wasn't over his Ex and probably isn't now. You are letting him batter your self esteem and compare you to every female in his orbit.
Unless he changes his attitude and starts to think of your feelings then you are just going to feel worse and worse.Have a word and dont keep asking him questions about other girls.
I would start to look at yourself, at your age you should be happy and carefree, having fun, not putting up with a lad who makes you unhappy. I can't see it lasting, neither of you seem to be getting anything out of it.
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A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (28 November 2011):
 Wow this guy is a piece of work.Don,t even bother to look to him to make you feel better it isn,t going to happen!
The more you ask him stuff the he willrespond in negative ways. So he will have the attitude of "well she keeps askin so i just tell her the truth!"
He isn,t that into you so befor he does more damage to you you need to move on and start building on your own self asteem and good looks. What you see as a flaw in your figure someone else will find endearing. Your personality wiil shine through when you start to love yourself a little more.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 November 2011):
 This relationship is a complete mess. For a start when he got with you it was clear he was not over his ex. It is clear that you where the rebound girl and he was hurting over the way his ex treated him. He should never have got in to a relationship until he was over her, and it is clear that he was not.
He lied to you about finding other girls pretty because he new you where insecure about yourself and that you wouldn't want to hear that, but then he decided he would be honest with you and probably just took it an extreme to far. Ok so he finds other girls attractive, well that is just normal. As long as he looks and doesn't touch then I don't see the problem. All men look at other girls, it is just not all of them admit to it. So he was just being honest. As for your breasts, again he was being honest with you. Just because he didn't like them at the beginning though does not mean to say that he has not growing to love them, I just think everything he says you take the complete negative out of it and it makes you even more insecure than you already are. Ok so he says he finds other girls more attractive than you, off course this is going to hurt. I don't think his heart is fully in to this relationship if I am honest. I think he is staying with you because he is wanting to play it safe. He knows you are insecure but I think he feels if he stays with you he won't get hurt again in the future. I don't see this relationship having much of a future if am honest with you. Tell him you want to see him make more of an effort to make you feel loved and special to him, in return you need to work on your issues and stop being so insecure about yourself and asking him about other girls. You both need to work on this in order for it to work.
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