A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi so I started seeing a guy about a month ago, he is lovely but lives like 400 miles away! I really fell for him, and him me, but he seems borderline obsessed with me, he got me presents for Xmas very sweet I thought, but he is very insecure and always needs reassurance, if I’m busy or can’t talk he thinks something is wrong, if I don’t heart his messages he thinks something is wrong, and it’s beginning to get to me, he also asks if the men who chatted me up still message me etc, it’s just constant! I told him he needs to chill out or he is going to push me away, I really care about him but I feel like if this is what he is like now, surely he won’t get much better?! He says he will stop, he will relax and just enjoy being in love with me but I’m getting second thoughts now, I was single for 7 years so I’m ok by myself
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Anon
I am very affectionate, yes I’ve been single a long time but I still have a lot of love to give! He knows how I feel, and I’ve been very good to him. So please stfu as you have no idea about me! I was simply saying I am an independent woman, who doesn’t need a relationship in order to be happy, if I meet someone special which I hope he is/was then I will give all my love
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2018): OP, take a good look at yourself. You've been single for 7 years and that is a long time. You said you're okay alone. But you're not alone anymore. You need to think of another person's feelings through your actions and words. I suspect you aren't affectionate enough for him or showing him enough attention. You're used to being alone. Try to be more aware of his needs or you might get what you wished for.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 December 2018):
 I had a friend just like him a few years ago. She would "overthink" conversations and start the next conversation with, "So, I've been brooding about what you said . . . ". At first I would discuss what was bothering her and reassure her that it was NOT meant the way she had taken it (which was always pretty obvious to me). After a while, however, I got fed up of the constant "reassure me, reassure me" conversations and decided to do the opposite to what she was wanting. Instead of reassuring her, I would shrug and say "And?" or "So what?" The first couple of times she was totally taken aback and on the point of crying, which I would ignore and just change the subject. After a while she realized that giving me a hard time about every word I had said was pointless and counter-productive and stopped doing it. You could always try that approach and see if it helps. He might just realize how ridiculous he is being. I only write this because I feel you have not totally given up on this relationship just yet.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 December 2018):
 OP, like you said, EVERYONE has been hurt at some point in life. It's UNAVOIDABLE. He is using past "hurt" as a way to excuse his behavior.
Maybe instead he should WORK on moving forward from that hurt BEFORE he is starting to date again. Presuming that because a woman hurt him in the past ALL women are going to hurt him and if he brings forth the "Spanish Inquisition" he can somehow CONTROL whether they will hurt him or not, it's unrealistic.
And unfortunately, even explaining it to him will not change matters. He has been using that behavior over and over and not noticed that is actually pushes women away, he SEES it as "Aha, she hurt me and left, now I have to be extra vigilant".
Good luck OP. Personally, I would wish him well and move on. Trying to show another person they can trust you is impossible, if they don't WANT to do so. And it sounds absolutely draining having to explain EVERYTHING. And lastly... him living that far away is that really going to work any ways?
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female
reader, Lostandfound2018 +, writes (28 December 2018):
RUN! Don't walk. I dated a guy like this and it was super stressful. No matter what I did, that was never enough. I would spend an entire day w/him and talk on the phone after for like 2 hours and he would accuse of not caring for him. He constantly had outbursts of insecurity, would promise to work on his issues and throw a fit the very next day. I'm generally a respectful person, but I ended up dumping him over the phone. He started accusing me of not caring about him because I wanted to sleep another 30 min. The night before I spent time on the phone w/him helping him through a tough situation. He will only get worse...
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2018): This is where we best listen to the little voice in our gut!
I often inform our readers that "insecurity kills relationships!"
There is a point in a relationship you have to surrender yourself to trust. You have to have a belief that love is real. Not just an imaginary concept. Even if your relationship is new, and isn't quite established; you have to earn and exchange trust, in order to breathe life into it.
It's okay to test and evaluate the sincerity of your partner. You do have to know they are on the same page and taking it seriously. If you receive what you're giving, that's proof.
Some things you can take at face-value; but some things require closer review. That is because you're taking a risk and investing your heart and emotions. Then there is a point when you chill, and go with the flow. After reading your post, I know I'm preaching to the choir here. I don't only address the OP; I also educate and help other readers with similar issues.
You simply have to rely on consistency (not predictability) in the actions of your love-interest; and trust them based upon the evidence of affection expressed by your mate. That's what love is founded upon. We're humans not machines, so our actions deviate slightly, we don't replicate every move exactly the same way every-time. We change and grow, we learn and improve, we shift about; and we try different techniques to keep things alive and interesting. "Predictability" isn't always necessary, or proof things are good.
Your gent sounds like a guy bordering on obsession. Always questioning your intentions, always oversensitive to slight irregularities, and always unsure of where you're coming from. It's exhausting! At times, insulting!
These are all symptomatic of long-distance relationships; so do bear this in-mind!
Giving him some benefit of the doubt, distance may attribute to some of his uncertainty. You are a strong and secure female; which he just may not be used to. Many of the women he may have known before you were probably less sure of themselves, and needed to be reassured and coddled. You don't; so he may find that unsettling. That may be a sign of incompatibility. Your self-confidence may be intimidating.
Don't by any means change that about yourself! However, if you are serious about him; you may need to compromise over the matter regarding distance. He has a right to know if he is wasting his time. His time is as valuable as yours!
You've already addressed his insecurity, and given him reasonable reassurance. When reassurance becomes an around-the-clock laborious task; you're dealing with the wrong guy. He will not change. People over the age of 40 are usually set in our ways; and what you see, is what you get!
After you've read each of our responses to your post, have a sit-down with your beau. Explain to him that you feel he doesn't trust you when he persistently questions you. Matters regarding your friends, or past relationships, are none of his business. Details are off-limit to discussion, unless you voluntarily choose to share them with him. You also respect his privacy in those areas. You will keep everything in proper-perspective and transparent; out of the respect you have for him, and your relationship.
If he is unable to get a handle on his insecurity; you're not sure how long you will be able to deal with it. It makes you feel uncomfortable. As if he can't trust you. That's not what you seek in a man. You prefer confidence and strong character. You need calm and harmony in your relationships. If he feels he is up to it, prove it in his behavior. Don't just say he will, do it! Then set your timer, give him a final opportunity to show improvement; but don't waste any of your time trying to change him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAt first I loved the attention he gave me, I thought I’d found someone special, I’ve always been upfront and honest with him so he has no reason not to trust me, he says he has been badly hurt before (haven’t we all?) I really care about him and hoped it would work out. I’m very insecure myself so I know what it’s like, but I have to trust him or what’s the point! I enjoyed when we was still learning about each other but it’s all about how much he loves me, wants to be with me etc now
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 December 2018):
I agree, this is a "run for the hills" kind of scenario.
HE will not get "better" or more "chill". I think as much as you like certain things about him, you are better off looking elsewhere.
It's been a MONTH (ONLY!!) and he is this obsessed and insecure, you have ONLY seen the tip of the iceberg. I would return the gifts he gave you, wish him well and END it. Then BLOCK all access.
And if you can find ONE guy with traits you DO like, you can find another. I would actually advice to find one closer by, not 400 miles away. Someone you can spend time with in person.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 December 2018):
 End it.
He’s insecure and this behaviour won’t stop. Getting in deeper won’t help.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (28 December 2018):
 This is a relationship that you run away from and keep looking in the rear view mirror to make sure he isn't following you. Seriously. He is obsessive, which leads to controlling and not to mention he sounds like he would be a stalker. He will only get worse with time, not better. Be safe and end it NOW.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 December 2018):
 He's going to back off? When? Does he have a date set for it?
The truth is, it's not going to get better. Right now it's his annoying but tolerable nervous energy but once things get serious, it might just turn to an angry and abusive relationship. He's already giving you no breathing space and it's only been a month! One month!!
Break it off while you're still safe! Tell him that it's too much too soon and that you don't see it working out. Do not apologize because you don't owe him anything. Don't encourage or entertain any further communication with him.
Whenever you feel that anyone is getting too much to bear or is anywhere near the obsession area, run for the hills immediately. You never know how these things might turn out and it's always better to be safe than sorry
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 December 2018):
If you are already being turned off by his behaviour, ask yourself if you want another month, year or more of this? Of course you don't.
If you really would like to give this relationship a chance, you need to spell it out to this guy that you have a life and don't just sit by the phone, waiting for him to message you. Long distance relationships are difficult for insecure people like him. Perhaps you could agree set times to message so that he does not bother you at other times?
If he just keeps promising but does not change his behaviour, then I'm afraid you are on a hiding to nothing. This is who he is. In your shoes I would cut and run - sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 December 2018):
 Uh-oh. No, he wont get better. This tendency of his is something that usually becomes worse the more time you give it, not better. This isn't clingy, this is obsession and control. I had a clingy boyfriend once, but he only had a need to be around me all the time and would show up uninvited. He never asked me about guys texting me or taking it the wrong way if I didnt answer a text right away etc.
I once DID have a man in my life who got upset when I didnt answer texts right away, or answer his calls right away, and who demanded a lot of my time and demanded to know who was texting me etc. That man was my father, and he was violent and had borderline personality disorder. So I would run fast in the other direction if I was you. But maybe you're more polite than me. In which case: politely tell him that you are a person who needs more trust and freedom in a relationship, and while he is a great man, you can see now that you and him are not compatible.
Break it off.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2018): See how it goes for a bit longer, but behaviour like this often turns into controlling behaviour and then dominant behaviour and then abusive behaviour.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2018): Hmm long distance, in love, that kind of behaviour, strange indeed.
You do know this is not love on either side don't you? And yes his behaviour is strange
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