A
female
age
36-40,
*riskaedeka102
writes:By bf and I just turned one year last Feb. And last Friday I found out that a month right after we got together, he had sex with a girl from our work (it's a restaurant franchise). I don't work there anymore, but I knew the girl he had sex with. My friend who still works there was the one who told me (he knew from the girl herself). I was taking the news calmly, but right after I got home, I cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next day crying again, wondering why, why, why?Everybody knows this girl is a little slut. But...that what makes me feel even worse... She slept with almost anybody she could ever flirt with. When I finally confronted my bf, he said she flirted with him.. On the other side of the story, I heard he started coming to her. The worst of all, they did it while at work...At the backroom, at the blindside of the camera, at work. I was crying confronting him about what he did, and why he didn't tell me. Why I had to know from somebody else. And I felt so, stupid.He was crying while explaining and told me he didn't know why he did it. He said he felt disgusted and was puking the rest of the day and had to take a very long walk to even understand why he did it. He told me I'm the best thing that ever happened to his life, and he didn't want to hurt me. He had tried to tell me several times, but was too ashamed to admit it. And I remember there were times where he was trying to tell me something, but I was so naive that I never thought of him having sex with another girl!He said before he met me, he was a man whore who sleeps with anybody he wants, untamed bad boy and the wanting to always be bad was in his mind.The worst is that every time it hits me, I always try to remake the scene at that backroom. How did she started to flirt? Did she touch his chest? Ears? Did they do it in a rush? Did she take off his pants? Did he lift her skirt?(she always wear skirts) Did he kiss her? Were they on the floor? Did they do it a particular style? Did he come? Did he enjoyed it?All these drives me crazy...completely crazy...Even after I told him I'd give him another chance...Please, I love this man. And I may have to go back to my country for good. It's such an unfortunate thing that I knew this now, but at the same time he's done so much for me the past year. What should I do? I've taken him back, but how to make it stop? the remaking of what happened that day at the backroom...Thank you..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2010): I am so shocked. Your story sounds so similar to mine. I found out on March 9th that my boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me a month into our relationship. He too admitted to being a player in the past, but he always told me with great pride how he had never cheated on any of his past girlfriends. I believed him. We were friends for half a year before we got together officially. We had both went our separate ways on christmas that year to see our families in different states. That's when he cheated on me with a girl he had just met. A friend of his brother's girlfriend.
I am sad because he did not have the guts to tell me the truth. I had deserved to know the truth then so that I could have made my decision on whether or not to continue being with him. I am now mother to his son, and am carrying our second child. It is very hard to leave now.
I really wished he had told me. He had not even planned on telling me. I confronted him about it one day, because I kept having nightmares about him cheating on me. I asked him if he had ever cheated on me during our relationship together? He said no. He would not even admit it until I asked him over and over again. Finally then he broke down and admitted to cheating on me. He said his brother pressured him into it by saying how I would never find out and how she kept flirting with him.
I too was so naive. The thought of him cheating on me never even crossed my mind. I had complete faith and trust in our relationship. I was in shock. That day I couldn't process what was happening. He just kept crying and telling me how he didn't know why he did it. He couldn't remember. He kept begging me to forgive him and saying how much he loves me. It looked as if he was having a panic attack.
I wanted to know why...why...why? Why did he do this to me? I loved him so much back then... Did he not love me the same way? For him to have done something with a girl he knew nothing about. A girl who knew he had a girlfriend. He lost my respect and my trust then.
The images of him with another girl play in my head over and over again. Where did it happen? What day was it? Who was on top? Did he enjoy it? (Etc. etc. etc.) Still I cannot stop the thoughts. And then I think of how he wore my ring around his neck while he was doing it. A ring that states, "True Love Waits." Something I gave him to remind him of me while we were away from eachother those two weeks.
I was a virgin then. I was planning on giving myself to him after we came back from our christmas trips. To think that during my first time I could have gotten an std from him, all because he couldn't say no to a girl who was flirting with him. A girl who he ignored after having unprotected sex with her.
The worst part is, his mom knew about it too. The girl was a daughter of one of her co-workers. She found out because the girl had thought she was pregnant. Later confirmed that she wasn't. She and his brother both asked him if he was going to tell me about it. He told them yes.
We are trying to work things out. I cannot imagine living my life without him. However, the betrayal is still so fresh. I feel as if I have an open wound in my heart. No longer do I have the same faith and trust I once did for him. I feel like my relationship was all based off a lie. He told me every day that he loved me while he was away. For him to have said that while being able to cheat on me hurts.
I wish you the best of luck in trying to make your relationship work. For me, I feel that if I did not have his kids I would have left and continued my search for true love elsewhere. I only hope the thoughts of his betrayal no longer plague me. I am tired of crying. I know I deserve better.
A
female
reader, Triskaedeka102 +, writes (9 March 2010):
Triskaedeka102 is verified as being by the original poster of the question First of all I would like to thank you everybody for their answers with advise,and support. I greatly appreciate it.
To baddogbj, A female reader (1st), two of anonymous Caringguy,Veronica, Puzzlesolver who hit the real situation I am in, thank you very very much. All of you understand how I feel, and have helped laid out my knotted mind into words, which allow me to better understand what I want from my relationship.
My bf couldn't even look at me while he was crying, taking all the blame when I confronted him. I asked him about how they did it, and all he could reply to me was, "I can't do this..., I can't...please, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry"
Until I've read your replies today, I was still not letting go the past. Now, I am trying not to want to know what actually happened on that day.
He told me that it happened just a month after we got together, though I am not sure when exactly, there were a point where we started dating and not really sure where it would end up. Maybe it's then, but I don't think I need to know anymore. It happened, he was stupid to have done that.
He told me it was just that one time. I decided to believe him. One, he's almost with me everyday, and because he rarely works now (just school), let alone work with the girl.
In conclusion, I am giving him another chance. The past year, I had a really wonderful time. He is a very loving, caring, and sweet guy. Now I know why he looks so broken at times when our conversation leads to our earlier days together. He told me many times (even before I knew the incident) that I am the first real girlfriend he had who he really cares about, and not just because he needs to be with someone and not just because of the sex.
He didn't understand why I could even still look at him. I told him, he hurt me bad, but that can't erase what he's done for me the past year. I had terrible times of my life and he's always there. That means the world to me.
We'll working it out, we're getting to know each other again, and I guess we'll just see.
Thank you sooooooooooooooo much everybody who have contributed to my closure on this matter. It's wonderful to have been showered with your caring.
Cheers
13
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (9 March 2010):
 Kudos to your "friend" for deciding to tell you and making you and your boyfriend both feel miserable - good job!
From what you've said your boyfriend doesn't seem to me to be someone who will cheat in the future. It is significant that this took place just soon after you had first got together when he didn't feel the same bond with you that he feels now.
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A
male
reader, whitewater  +, writes (9 March 2010):
I feel your pain believe me..I had a wife of 20 years who seemingly out of the blue cheated on me..left me and is still living with the guy.
It doesnst matter whether its 20 yrs or a year the feeling of betrayal is crushing and playing the scene over in your mind is completly normal.
A doctor actually recommended 18 months of phsycology to help me with issues from her cheating...he added this is one of the worse things you can experiance so your reactions are quite understandable.
Your trust has been shattered as well your self esteem takes a blow then theres the anger and depression that this can cause.
Cheating on anyone is an act of selfishness and these people in my opinion have no consideration of anyones feelings but there own.
The question is can you trust this guy given his bad boy persona...you dont deserve to be treated this way and if you truly love someone you certainly dont cheat on them..
There is a lot of things to weigh up and you have to ask yourself if you could handle wondering what he is up to when you guys are not together..
People who cheat offer up all sorts of excuses why they did it but at the end of the day its called justification..and once they have cheated it becomes easier the next time.
If you can forgive and forget and he can earn your trust and your love then i wish you well...but be careful and to be honest there are guys out there that dont behave like this and will love you for who you are...good luck
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (9 March 2010):
 You knew he was "a bad boy", and now he's just shown that he's went back to his old ways. If you really love him, you can forgive him, but the pain of what he has done will be with you for a VERY long time. Plus you have to remember the expression "once a cheater, always a cheater". Granted, people CAN change if they really want to..but he's showing signs that he hasn't. Is he worth it? Only you know. No matter what you do, the memory of his cheating will always be there. Some people can get over a partner cheating, some can't. Only you know if you can truly forgive and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): I think the timing is important - a month into your relationship, when he was making the transition from being a man-whore to your boyfriend (who is hopefully committed and loving). A month in he may not have known if the relationship would be long term. People don't change overnight, but hopefully he has changed now.
That said, you have every right to be angry. He didn't face up to what he had done and tell you, saving you the humiliation of being told by someone else and giving you the oppurtunity to decide then whether you wanted to continue seeing him.
Plus it was a properly sleazy way to have sex.
I think it all comes down to how you feel about him. If you love him, and are otherwise happy, maybe continue with him. If you have doubts, now's the time to walk away.
Give yourself time, away from him if possible, to think about what you really want. allow yourself to be angry, upset, miserable whatever. this is a fresh wound and you need time to heal. don't torture yourself by trying to know every last detail.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (9 March 2010):
 Sounds as if you will never be able to trust him again. You seem to have other issues going on and you said yourself that you may have to return to your country. Are you hoping things will work out so you can stay in the country you are currently in?
It just seems like you are clutching at straws with this guy. He has admitted he is a 'manwhore', believe it or not a lot of men are proud of this status and seem to think it gives them immunity from responsibility. I'm not saying things can't be resolved but he has seriously got to grow up and you have got to stop obsessing over the past.
If you forgive someone, you have to erase past events and vow to do better in the future. If he cheats again then you will know he is a waste of space...and do not put up with being treated badly just so you can stay in some country or other...that is just plain dumb!!!
best of luck
AE x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): Well from what you've described it sounds like you and I react the same way to these kinds of things. I was in a similar situation except it happened while she and I were on a break. I couldn't even get mad at her b/c it was over a break but I hate the guy she was with so it continued to bother me. Like you, I kept replaying what might have happened over and over in my head.
She and I got back together after our break and we tried to make it work b/c we both were in love still. It was a disaster b/c both of us had issues with it. She was upset that I couldn't let it go and no matter how much I tried to I couldn't stop thinking about it.
Eventually we both ended up miserable and we broke up. After we had broken up I found the best way to avoid all the hurt that came up when I thought about these issues was by cutting her out of my life as much as I can.
I think that if you can't get over this then it will probably destroy your relationship. The only other thing I've been able to do to keep those thoughts out of my head is, the second those thoughts start I immediately stop myself from visualizing anything and I focus on something that's right in front of me. That way I don't imagine it and then while it's still on my mind I just keep telling myself "don't think about that, you don't want to..." and then I think about something else.
This doesn't work 100% but it helps. Personally I believe that if the trust has been violated and it upsets you this much you'll never be able to truly trust him again.
Be careful not to let this drag your relationship through hell. If you get to the point where you don't think you'll be able to get over it then I suggest cutting your losses. If you can come to terms with it then more power to you but don't try to force things to work if you know you can't get over this.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 March 2010):
It takes a long time to get over someone cheating. It's not something that just happens. You haven't really known for that long that it happened. This sort of thing takes years to truly come to terms with. You will be like everyone else who has been cheated on, and all those questions are normal to have going around in your mind. All you can so is really throw yourself into the your relationship, if you really want to try to make it work. You effectively need to get to know your boyfriend all over again. Dates, talking etc. A word of warning though, beware of the fact he said he is a bad boy. If he does this again, get rid of him.
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A
female
reader, veronika +, writes (9 March 2010):
 The only thing that will stop these films in your mind is time.
At the moment you are in a state of shock, and the good thing about it is that your boyfriend seems remorseful about the situation. That's a plus because, initially, for a couple to move on from infidelity the one who cheated needs to feel and show remorse and show their partner they love them.
I gather you don't see this girl anymore? Does your boyfriend? If he doesn't see her anymore at all, then rest assured that she's out of his life. What's done is done, and if she's not in either of your lives anymore, then you most likely don't need to worry about her coming back to steal your boyfriend or sleep with him
It's always hard to stop replaying what they did, even though you weren't there.
In this case, you can always ask your boyfriend to tell you exactly what happened with her - OR you can refuse to know anything about it anymore. I'll let you decide which one would be best, because it varies from person to person. If you get him to tell you exactly what happened with her, down to the sex position or where she kissed him, then at least that would give you some kind of closure and you know what happened instead of guessing. If you choose to refuse any more information about it, you are left in the dark - but at least you don't know the nitty gritty details.
Either way, it's hard, but time is really the only thing that's going to stop these thoughts. Remember, you found out recently - as time goes on, you may not forget it but it WILL get easier to deal with. Just concentrate on trying to work through your relationship with your boyfriend, do things together as a couple. Do special things - go out for dinner, have a romantic night with each other, go away for a weekend maybe? A little holiday together? Do things with him that you both enjoy and that are bonding experiences.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): If you have decided to forgive gim, then do it.
I know how awful it feels to be cheated on as I have been. My advice might be biast because I take cheating as the end, and I nevr stary with them.
So I think this will just take time. The worst thing you can do is bottle it up.
Take some time off from him and get your head straight.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): This might not mean much, but before I got through the first few sentences..before the part where you mentioned how badly he felt, I had a good feeling about his sincerity. Don't ask me how I know, but I sometimes get a strong gut feeling about things, and I have a great feeling about him, and how guilty and sorry he felt. Whether you want to chop it up to an educated guess or not is your choice, but I'm never wrong with my gut feelings, so keep your chin up, because I know this guy loves you very much and is very sorry. I also know by his reaction that he would never do something like that again. I'm not defending what he did in any way, but I know that if you keep bringing that moment up in your mind, you will destroy the relationship with jealousy and never be able to move forward with him. It's not worth the one mistake he made a year ago ruining the love you both have for each other today. Cheating is always hurtful and wrong, yes, but in this case, consider him forgiven and move on with your lives, together, because I seriously feel he has left that way of life and way of thinking, and it doesn't help or prove anything to keep badgering him about it, or reminding yourself of it either. She was just a skanky piece of ass that he knew wasn't worth the time, or he wouldn't have been puking for the rest of the day and feeling so terrible. I can't explain why, but most of the time I would say once a cheater always a cheater, but this is one of those times where it will be different for you and you can love each other and have faith in each other, but only if you don't let yourself be tempted by visions of how it may have went down on that fateful day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): It probably won¿t leave your mind, ever. You can always break up with him. But if it's really not an option... maybe therapy? For yourself, and for both of you as a couple.
Broken trust is extremely hard to build back. But if he's truly worth it, make an effort.
This is very hard, and I understand completely why it hurts. Honestly, I don't think I would be able to take him back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): I have been in the same predicament before. You may not want to hear this, but we broke up. Not right away; we tried to work things out, but that seal of trust had been broken and couldn't be fixed. Have you asked him if that was the only time he had cheated or were there other times? Mine had cheated a numerous amount of times, that why I knew it wouldn't last. I hope you make the right decision. Remember you have to protect your heart.
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