A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so confused. I can't decide whether to stay with my fiance or leave him for another guy. My fiance and I have lived together for the past 5 years. In the beginning he was cheating on me another girl that was his actual girlfriend at the time. She found out about me and left him. I stayed with him because I felt sorry for him and I liked him so much...then we got a place together. After we lived with each other for a few months he started talking about wanting to see other people and I got really upset and then he changed his mind and wanted to be with only me again. Then we got engaged moved into a house together and things seemed great. After about a year he stopped having sex with me and started talking about wanting to see other people, but wanting to remain living together at the same time. Then when I started talking about seeing other people he got upset and changed his mind and wanted to stay exclusively with me. During this time (which lasted for about 3 months) I reconnected with an old crush and met him in my hometown and had sex with him. When I came home I found that my fiance had been having an affair on me for almost 5 months. He apologized and said it would never happen again, that he had broke it off with her. Problem is, he locks his phone and computer so I can't check up on him. I've told him time and time again that this bothers me and he always has an excuse. I can't trust him and I can't get past it. The past year he has been so good and with me almost every night up until a few weeks ago, when he didn't come home all night. We were going to get married this year, but I called it off because I've doubts about his honesty. I've also reconnected with my old crush again and I'm starting to wonder if he is the guy I should really be with...so unsure of what to do at this point.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you! You are very right. Thanks for giving such a thoughtful answer. I'm going to leave him this week and move on with my life. Thanks for helping me see the light! :)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 January 2011):
 You tried, it didn't work. That whole trust/honesty thing is pretty central to a functional, healthy relationship. Throwing another 5, 10, 20 years after 5 years doesn't make any sense either, that's just time wasted on a guy whose proven track record is one of infidelity. Unless he gets a personality transplant, I don't see him keeping his penis in his pants, he seems to enjoy the thrill of the cheat. Some people just create chaos, they are unhappy in strange way if there isn't disorder or that tension caused by sneaking around. I expect his father was a cheater as well, and he figures it's normal. You didn't mind it when he was cheating with you, so you've got some pre-disposition to tolerate it yourself.
Don't throw good money after bad, the saying goes. You could apply that here, don't throw more years at this guy, you've already determined the investment hasn't paid off.
Some counseling might help you determine why you are okay with infidelity on his part and yours, as it has become such an issue in your life. The disruption and chaos caused by it are no small thing, and have upended all your plans. Time for an indepth and honest self-assessment, it seems to me.
Take care of yourself. Life is short. Spend your hours and energy wisely, I think that's a good strategy.
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A
male
reader, kiefer_b  +, writes (25 January 2011):
i know everything thats happened so far has been bad and you both cheated but it wont work if you continue like this its either you love him or that "crush" and really to be honest you should have been more mature to go and cheat on him even though he also cheated on you but still you should not have done it but as i was saying you should find out if you love your fiance or your crush and if you really do love your fiance tell him that its either he is more honest with you and not to hide things from you or its over cause whats a relationship without trust in one another ? its pointless to keep trying if he doesn't be more honest . so be very clear to him and say that he has to be honest with you and show that he loves you or its over its very easy
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A
male
reader, kiefer_b +, writes (25 January 2011):
i know everything thats happened so far has been bad and you both cheated but it wont work if you continue like this its either you love him or that "crush" and really to be honest you should have been more mature to go and cheat on him even though he also cheated on you but still you should not have done it but as i was saying you should find out if you love your fiance or your crush and if you really do love your fiance tell him that its either he is more honest with you and not to hide things from you or its over cause whats a relationship without trust in one another ? its pointless to keep trying if he doesn't be more honest . so be very clear to him and say that he has to be honest with you and show that he loves you or its over its very easy
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (25 January 2011):
 "My family and friends will be disappointed because they all like him."
Think they'd like him if they knew the truth about him? I don't.
You control your choices. Nobody else. Don't you think it's time to make some choices you won't regret?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): "I just hate to see 5 years of working on a relationship go down the drain..."
There is and never was a relationship. It's not going to work. Ever. Finding excuses like "i'll have to move somewhere else if i end it" is just pathetic.
You're a grown woman but acting like a clueless teenager. He doesn't care about you, certainly not enough to stay faithful, do you want to be with someone like that for the rest of your life?
He won't change, ok? Wake up.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (25 January 2011):
My head is spinning with all the cheating going on here. I'm not sure what you should do with regard to this so called "relationship", but I can tell you what not to do: Don't get married as that monogamy thingy is going to really cramp your style.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 January 2011):
He cheated on his girlfriend with you.
He then cheated on you.
You cheated on him.
You're now reconnecting with this person you cheated with, and he's locked his computer and is probably cheating.
You two should just end it. Neither of you are committed at all.
And as for this other guy, I think you'd do better to leave him alone until you're sure about what you want, because your love life is fast becoming a huge mess of nothing but cheating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it sounds crazy that I would have even stayed with him in the first place, but I was new in town and knew very few people. He is a good friend and we have so much in common. We both want the same things in the future and everything seems so perfect except for the honesty issue. I guess I'd always hoped that this is something that could be worked on and that he would grow out of, but I'm not so sure anymore. My family and friends will be disappointed because they all like him. Plus, if I end it then I've no reason to stay where I'm at. I'll be inclined to just move back home where my family is. I just hate to see 5 years of working on a relationship go down the drain...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 January 2011):
"I can't trust him and I can't get past it." And he isn't interested in cooperating with the 'checking up' on himself, is he?
Look, the guy has a proven track record. YOU have one too, now. For him, fidelity is totally optional, and it sounds as though it has been for some time. He's not going to change for you, he'd have to want to change for himself, and nothing you've written here indicates he has any desire to do that.
It sounds to me as though you two need to work out what it is that you can build together, because right now, there's nothing I can see growing expect doubt and suspicion. And if he's not interested in staying faithful, there's no reason to share with you the contents of his emails, texts and the numbers he is calling.
I'd say try couples counseling but it's probably too late to save this relationship, but it might help save the next one for you, if you work out what it is that led you to cheating yourself in the first place, 5 years ago and then again recently.
Get yourself single, work on the issues that have presented themselves for you to address and then start dating again, with a fresh perspective and some self-knowledge and awareness.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (25 January 2011):
A leopard can't change it's spots. Expecting him to be anything but a cheater, when that's how you met in the first place, is stupid. You knew what he was, so why are you acting surprised and hurt? I know, I know, it's because you bought his lies... Sorry, but the sympathy ship sailed when you said he cheated on his GF with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Ok, to start with he was not cheating on you with his girlfriend he was cheating on his girlfriend with you. She was his girlfriend, not you.
Look, the relationship is a joke. He cheats, then you cheat then he cheats again. It sounds like he's using you because you're "safe" and he knows you'll take him back because all he needs to do is say a few "i'm sorry's" and that's all it takes.
End this "relationship" and move on. Just remember that being unfaithful will kill any trust with any future partner you have and to be honest it sounds like you should be on your own for a while instead of jumping from one guy to another.
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