A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Im trying so hard to forget my wifes sexual past she told me 9 months ago. It all started when we first met, I asked and she lied and told me 1 guy. Too find out 11 years later 4 more guys were added to the list.The way I found out was my fault, Ive always felt maybe thier is something shes holding from me, my gut feelings always felt that way and it became very true. So I asked her one night we were sitting alone when are three kids were asleep, I said too her if its really true you have been with only one guy I need you too swear on your own kids and she couldnt and thats when the truth came out and I havent been the same since that day. Now I wish I never asked, I was better off not knowing.Now all we do is fight and I wish things could be the way they used to be. We always used to get along very well but not anymore. I still love her and she really loves me and her reason for not telling me the truth when we frist met is because she didnt want too take the chance of losing me.But the real problem here is me,I know im not perfect my self but when I look at her I see a different person not the one that I used to Know. I cant stop these thoughts of sexual images in my head. Ive had these problems before with ex girl friends and thats why im not in there life anymore. I just hated when a girl would have more then one or two sexual partners.Im sorry if Im being very selfish but I cant help the way my feelings are I was just brought up that way and wish I can change it because I realLy have a great loving wife and children. please help me before everything is too late because she has told me she cant handel me anymore. I try so hard to stop but images and hurt feeling still get in the way. PLEASE HELP!!!
View related questions:
sexual past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, yesno +, writes (7 April 2011):
You will never forget it. But your feelings are legitimate. Women (and some men) will try to make you feel you are immature, unenlightened, or simply hypocritical. You're not. You're reaction is valid. Your emotions are your own. And the fact that what you feel is felt by a majority of men when confronted with this type of behavior in women, should give you comfort.
Here is the issue in my opinion:
1) Men put the women they love on a pedestal. The revelation that she is not, in fact, on a pedestal is jarring. The solution is to realize that very few women deserve to be on a pedestal. They are simply other guys with vaginae. We are all equal. When you realize this you will see women more clearly.
2) You value sexual modesty. Don't sell this ideal short. There are women out there who value sexual modesty too.
3) The only women who get upset about this are the ones who do not value modesty but want to be treated as though they do. You are a man. And like any woman, you are entitled to think and feel what you want.
She lied to you in order so that you would put her on the pedestal and marry her. You now see was under false pretenses. Shit situation. I wish you luck. Just remember, your duty is to your children.
A
male
reader, Polani  +, writes (20 February 2011):
Hey guys, I am going through the same thing right now. my wife initialy told me that she was a virgin and then after finding out, she said she slept once and later it changed to two. She said she only met a man at the age of 18 which was not a problem to me.8 years into my marriage, my wife only reveals that she had slept with 4 men and her sex started when she was 14. Now I nolonger know if she has said everything or she is still surviving on her lies. This is not easy.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): Hey guys, I am going through the same thing right now. my wife initialy told me that she was a virgin and then after finding out, she said she slept once and later it changed to two. She said she only met a man at the age of 18 which was not a problem to me.8 years into my marriage, my wife only reveals that she had slept with 4 men and her sex started when she was 14. Now I nolonger know if she has said everything or she is still surviving on her lies. This is not easy.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): You think your situation is confusing? I'm 27 and have just moved in with my very first-ever girlfriend of 12 months. I never so much as held a girl's hand before I met her, and she's had at least a dozen past lovers (including two women), experienced the full trifecta of infidelity (cheated on, been cheated on, and been the person who someone else has cheated on), and has pretty much done everything you'd reasonably think of in the bedroom - many of which are still yet to be experienced for me. Her vagueness and dismissiveness about the topic of past lovers has led me to assume that she'll only tell me what she thinks I want to hear from her, which means that the chances of me ever actually finding out about her past is nearly impossible. I love my girlfriend more than anything else on this planet. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you also still love your wife more than anything on the planet (children notwithstanding, of course). If you feel repulsed by your wife because of this new information then you need a serious reality check on how important you think you are, which is a nice way of saying that if you think you are an innocent little virgin lamb who was put into a magical glass casket to only be awoken by the kiss of the one true love who was destined to provide you the hyper-ized version of a Disneyed 'happily ever after' life, then you'll have no choice but to sulk away as your family falls apart in front of you.If you think that instead you're an actual human being, then what I think you're probably feeling is incredible vulnerability. If you are feeling vulnerable because you don't know where you stand in the context of your wife's total love history, then that is what you need to let her know. I still feel humiliatingly intimidated when I think of what I bring to the table in my girlfriend's historical context, but that intimidation is fading, and it's becoming less of an issue for me. We've talked about how I feel numerous times without bringing up her history and that has produced very tangible results that allow me to not dwell so much on the issue. I suggest you do the same. Good Luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): It does not sound to me like you are being judgemental. In fact, you are blaming yourself. You are suffering from jealousy. Although they can coexist, being judgmental and feeling jealous are not at all the same thing.Like other posters have said, this topic comes up often on this site. Some people offer helpful advice, others simply judge a person suffering from this as being judgemental without offering any useful advice.Yos, amoung others, has some very useful insight. Essentially, you have to force yourself to stop thinking about it. Thinking about it will not lead to a solution, it will simply continue the thoughts. Every time you have a thought about your wife being with another person, it will trigger an emotional reaction. Castigating yourself will not change this. I do think that seeing a counselor can help you learn to recognize your own thought patterns and to break free from them.You love your wife, and you don't want to lose her. Fight this off and don't give up.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): Most people writing answers will tell you to just get over it. That plan would make the problem go away for her, and she is the only person that most answer writers are really interested in helping. If you want to be shown some respect and fairness then you need to look up the retroactive jealousy threads. And the threads about lying about the past. It happens many times. There are always a bunch of unfair answers to wade through but there are some good ones among the mess too.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 January 2011):
 Forgive me if I sound a bit rude, but isn't this something you should have asked from Day 1 when you two started dating? I mean if it really was very important to you to know her magic number and if it was up to your standards. I'm not knocking you, I understand that it's a personal preference of yours.
Just out of curiosity how many sexual partners have you had? One, two, maybe more?
In your defense, I don't believe your wife should be lying about it. She should have been straight forward about it from the get go if she knew that you had a preference when it came to a sexual history.
Here's the thing with retroactive jealousy, it goes one of 2 ways. You either learn to accept that she has a sexual past that is not of your likings, and put it behind you because it is the PAST. Proceed to move forward with your married life. Or you break it off, in this case divorce because you can't get over it. Now, since you're married..I wouldn't jump straight to drawing up divorce papers. In fact, you should seek marriage counseling and some possible personal counseling for yourself. At least give that a shot, seeing as you do love your wife.
Do note, that if it does come down to divorce because you just can't get past her past..then it's going to be difficult at your age to find a woman that has only had 1 or 2 previous sexual partners.
...............................
A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (26 January 2011):
 I understand your problem, and it is not something to be dismissed.But I think something to be explored is her attitude about it now. We are all very different than we were when we were young. If great people were to be judged by how they were when they were young, then they would not be great. I don't know who you respect and admire, but chances are they did many things they regret in their youth.If your wife is still "friends" with the people she slept with, or if she feels she would do it again if she were single, then I would feel more concerned. But perhaps she was casting about, lonely, not sure of who she was until she met you. Or she was undergoing a hard time in that period of her life. How does she feel about it? Does she regret it? Would she do it again?I think that's a conversation worth having, especially because it will impact the advice she gives your children when it comes to sex.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): There's a reason she didn't tell you and felt she had to hide these facts from you...she knows you are judgmental and would be mad.Plain and simple.Ask yourself these questions:1)Why did she feel she couldn't be honest with you in the first place?2)What can she do about it now, or even back then when she lied to you?3)If you don't value your wife for the person that you are married to now, then that is not love you have for her. You are trying to control something in her that you can't. She is a separate person and had a separate life from you at one time.4)Ask yourself why it really matters to you? Does it change who you are? Does it really change who she is now? I am not the same person I was 15-20 years ago and I certainly hope that no-one today judges me on who I was back then. We all make mistakes and all do things we regret...but these "mistakes" your wife made back then are her own mistakes-not yours. You do not own them and you do not have a right to be mad at her for them. It is her past-not yours.You better change your way of thinking about your wife or it will destroy your marriage. It is your job to make her feel loved and accepted. Women cannot be married to a "judge" and "moral policeman." It does not work. Love her, accept her for who she is today and realize that we all have a past and it is just part of our life and our learning process. Let her own her own past.then maybe she will feel free to discuss past things with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): There's a reason she didn't tell you and felt she had to hide these facts from you...she knows you are judgmental and would be mad.Plain and simple.Ask yourself these questions:1)Why did she feel she couldn't be honest with you in the first place?2)What can she do about it now, or even back then when she lied to you?3)If you don't value your wife for the person that you are married to now, then that is not love you have for her. You are trying to control something in her that you can't. She is a separate person and had a separate life from you at one time.4)Ask yourself why it really matters to you? Does it change who you are? Does it really change who she is now? I am not the same person I was 15-20 years ago and I certainly hope that no-one today judges me on who I was back then. We all make mistakes and all do things we regret...but these "mistakes" your wife made back then are her own mistakes-not yours. You do not own them and you do not have a right to be mad at her for them. It is her past-not yours.You better change your way of thinking about your wife or it will destroy your marriage. It is your job to make her feel loved and accepted. Women cannot be married to a "judge" and "moral policeman." It does not work. Love her, accept her for who she is today and realize that we all have a past and it is just part of our life and our learning process. Let her own her own past.
...............................
A
male
reader, Somewhatdamaged +, writes (25 January 2011):
I would highly suggest you read and comment on this post:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
I am going through the same thing you are, except with someone I have been dating for 4 years and we are moving into the marriage stage. These thoughts are very hard to shake, and it is not your fault. Comments like "What day and age are you living in??" do not help the situation at all.
Since you mentioned that you have experienced this before, you probably have some form of OCD or at least obsessive thoughts about this matter. I am still trying to figure out "how" to get over this issue with my partner, but it takes time and work from you. Hop on over to the other thread where I think you can get some good advice. : )
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Most men have moments of "were they better lovers than me?" when their partner isn't a virgin, but you've let these doubts eat away at you - and now they're threatening to destroy your family.
Women generally play down their sexual history as much as men do the opposite. Lying to you when you first met was perfectly normal. But so what if it was four and not one? It's not like she revealked that on your 2nd date: you've had 11 years of loving marriage!!
My advice? Sort yourself out. Get counselling. Get rid of this insecurity. Or lose your wife, your family, your life. And then you'll be back on here in a couple of months saying "how do I get my wife back? I was such a fool..."
Sorry to sound blunt, but it's for your own good.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): What day an age are you living in????.. why should it matter along as she has never cheated on you ??? How many people have you been with?? she is your wife and the mother of your children...you would be stupid you let her go.. and now ah days good luck finding someone that has only slept with 1 person.. Sex is common there day's very open .. I think you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel..and then try to forgive her .
...............................
|
