A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently snooped through my fiancés phone and found an email from the end of April from a girl he used to date. It was clear they had been sleeping together and he asked her to email him some sexy pictures. I freaked and confronted him and he said the messages had the wrong date on them. I'm no fool and I know email is accurate with dates and times. Her myspace statuses also correlated with the emails saying things like 'i wish you decide if you love me or her more but I know u love her more.' I am certain they haven't talked since..I think, since her statuses have indicated she is moving on and we have gotten much closer. I checked his email a little while after this and he had responded to a personal ad on craigslist for sex just a week ago. I again confronted him and got the same response that the date was wrong, but I know it's not because it shows that it was sent from his iPhone which we only got in early April. I have such a dilemma on many levels: I used to cheat in past relationships so I know if I forgive him it's very likely he will continue and hide it more...do I stay and see if it happens again? He never went through with the craigslist sex because I checked our phone records with the number she had emailed to him. Do I keep snooping or just wait for signs? Do I ask his friends or these girls about it? Or call unknown numbers in his phone? I am wondering how excessive my snooping should be versus the trust I need to have in him.
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female
reader, MiscellaneousG +, writes (2 June 2010):
End it. It's clear he's lying and very poorly if I may add. Another thing is, it's clear he's cheated on you, and he is lying to you about it--this will only continue and he'll only get better. Stop now while it's hurting before you hurt yourself even more...regardless of if he's your ex or not--stop it.
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (1 June 2010):
 I've said this to other posters and I will say this to you: you live in America, not Afghanistan. This means you have options and are free to make your own choices. You are not in a situation where you are being abused and oppressed, so you really have no reason to stay with this disrespectful man if you don't want to. When you say you can't leave, what you're really saying is you don't want to leave. You seem to think you need to have an excuse to leave him.
If you want to marry a man who has shown you that he is a liar and a cheater because you're afraid to lose a $7.25 hour job, that's your choice. But don't act like you're a victim here or have no choice; you have options.
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A
female
reader, Bickycat  +, writes (1 June 2010):
Let it go. You'll never trust him again, and that will eat you up. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): Thanks for the feedback. It's so hard because I know I need to get out now, but it's almost like I have convinced myself that he won't do it again. The fact that he feels he can lie to me is painful, almost moreso than the cheating. I am certain the dates are correct, and I know he was sleeping with that girl, but I keep second guessing myself and thinking maybe they really didn't sleep together, which is why I wanted to ask her myself. I know if I do that he will say she lied unless she has something so incriminating that he won't be able to lie about it. I also know that if I take it to that next step of investigating, he will put it back on me saying that I don't trust him and I'm certain he will end it right there. I honestly feel like I don't even want to bother with it and just leave, but I had no idea it would be this hard for me to walk away. I have sacrificed a lot for this man, including quitting my job an hour away, finding a lower paying job near him, moving in with him, and now we are trying to plan a wedding. Back in April, things were not going well at all, and I thought about leaving. But since he apparently has not been with this other girl anymore, things have improved tremendously. The craigslist thing really doesn't mean much to me since he didn't act on it. My fiancé is very sexual and likes porn, which I find to be ok. My breaking point is when he takes that next step of actually going out to find someone to sleep with. Bottom line for me is that I don't feel that I have anything solid enough to be absolutely positive he has had sex with someone else. Not that I need to see it with my own eyes to be sure, but I know this girl is crazy and would do anything to split us up. I'm still very torn since I have given up so much to be with him and I don't really have anywhere to go if I left him. I am broke and need his income to support me, as well as the minimum wage job I have here in his hometown. I spent three months looking for this job, so to find another would take a lot of time. I feel like I am losing this battle either way: if I stay, I risk being hurt again, and I don't have a way out just yet to leave him.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 June 2010):
Just end it now. You'll either end up being cheated on again, or your snooping will make you paranoid. Why bother. This is clearly over.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (1 June 2010):
You don't need to "wait" for signs, you already have signs; how much more evidence do you need to know that you are dealing with a serial cheater (and a bad liar)? If you want to stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust or you like the drama of this relationship, by all means, stay with him and keep snooping. Of course, you could just acknowledge how ridiculous it is to stay with this man and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): You are willing to put up with this? You will never really trust him again and you know it. By carrying on with this relationship you are just hanging on to someone to see if they might treat you right. Rather than face the fact that they have already treated you terribly. Where is your self worth? There is no way the dates could have been wrong on those messages - does he think you are stupid? He must do - because his behaviour says it all. Dump him and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): It really is a matter of chosing which hill this relationship dies on. Youve discovered he was cheating on you and when you confronted him, instead of stepping up to the plate and showing remorse. He insulted you further with a flimsy lie. Now hes searching for sex online with strangers and giving you more lies. This guy isnt into you enough. He cares more about the buzz of sneaking around and snatching forbidden sex, than he cares about you. Even his lies show hes not making an effort to spare your feelings. Hes totally disrespecting you...because he feels he can. You forgave him once when most would have kicked him to the gutter, so he thinks hes ok to carry on. Im sure at the time he gave you the speach about how much he loves you and wouldnt behave like that ect. But he is! If you stay you will turn into a very unhappy clingy stalker, watching the every move of a lying cheat. I would advise you to start moving away from him now. You already know hes a cheater and hes still looking for sex with others. What more do you need to know!! Spying on him wont change anything. It will just damage your relationship further and believe me, it will damage your self image too. He made the decision to cheat, lie and ruin things. So theres no shame in quitting on him. You will be doing yourself a favour. Some of us have to kiss a lot of frogs until we find our Prince. Find another frog and i hope you have more luck next time.
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A
male
reader, MorePlease  +, writes (1 June 2010):
Well, first off all, Snooping is not OK!! But, if you had'nt you would'nt have known.
You are not married and there are no strings attached so why not leave him and look for someone who will apprechiate you more?
So what if he is F**king around, you can do it as well, see how he will react if you told him that you slept with someone you did'nt even know, for fun!
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, JoSeF1 +, writes (1 June 2010):
oh lordy! in my opinion, infidelity is the headshot of a relationship. one shot, one kill. personally i almost vomit when it comes to people cheating on eachother, i suggest u 2 either need to straighten things out with eachother and be HONEST, or part ways cuz its nothing but pain with all the lies and deceit, i suggest the latter, but the other one can be helpful depending on how close u 2 are. if he cant be a man and be loyal to the one he loves, then he's just a boy that needs to wake up.
im not sure if that helps but its my opinion
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (1 June 2010):
 Your trust in him has already been broken. Don't make exuses for him. Monitoring thing to keep him on the right thrack isn't the right thing to do. You know exactly what you have to do, its difficult, but if you loved yourself & respected yourself you would walk away right and not look back
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