A
female
age
36-40,
*ellybeans20009
writes:So I just recently got dumped. It was a relationship that was rushed and very full in just a short 2 months. He told me a lot of things and I let him in. After it was over it was hard to handle and very painful. It hit me in my chest. He was my first boyfriend, and I felt like if he only was better when it came to committing and working hard toward a relationship, we could have had something great.The reason he broke up with me was because he said he "lost feelings". I am now more paranoid than ever that this is going to happen in the future. If it is possible for someone to go from "I want to take care of you", "you don't have to be lonely anymore", to loss of feelings...than anything is possible right? My friend told me it's because he must have found something out that he didn't like about me. But I don't know.I am pretty sure I didn't love him, but then why is it so hard to forget him? And why am I still filled with jealously when I found out he flirted with another girl two weeks after we broke up? Why do I hate him for giving up and lying to me and why do I want him to just come crawling back and saying he made a mistake?What is this? This isn't love is it? It's so ugly and messed up. Isn't love supposed to be about self sacrifice and understanding? He ultimately chose not to understand me, so this isn't love right?
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female
reader, jellybeans20009 +, writes (17 August 2010):
jellybeans20009 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all that replied. I am very appreciative for the support. I feel like you are all right. And I actually went and bought the ebook why men marry bitches that very hour lol. It was a fun read, but a little too restrictive for my taste. Still, I was able to learn from it.
And you are all right. It wasn't love. I was just afraid that this was it. This intense feeling is it, but I forgot that real love is understanding and that can't happen without time. So I'll still be hopeful that I will be able to experience that in the future.
Thank you again :). I am moving on, slowly but surely.
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (15 August 2010):
 I can understand your confusion and hurt very well.
You say the relationship was very full and rushed after only "two short months." Unfortunately, you have found out why it is best NOT to rush into something and let infatuation take over and control you (both of you) before you've had a chance to date for a while and really get to know each other.
See, this business of getting to know someone, good qualities as well as one another's flaws (and we all have a mix of both) takes time. That's what dating is about: enjoying each other's company; discovering the things you enjoy together - also where you differ on what activities are fun. You might love rock, etc., but he only likes classical - for example and then you either decide to compromise in that you'll go with him to a classical music concert occasionally - particularly one he is specially looking forward to attending - and he'll agree to go to a rock fest with you once in a while. You and he might both find things you like about one another's tastes in music, and that will be an unexpected and pleasant surprise.
Or, you might find you don't like rock/classical after all, in which case you'd go to rock fests alone or with other friends sometimes and the same for him. As I said, this is just an example. But hopefully there will be other ways to spend time out together that you do both enjoy equally.
You also need to see how he behaves when he's had a bad day: i.e., does he take it out on you and others who are around him; or do you tend to sulk and withdraw when he does something fairly minor you don't like/agree with. On the other hand, can he take things in stride and either take a bit of alone time to get over it, so as to be back to "his" more positive, friendly and resourceful self? Again, these are just "for instances" to think about.
It goes without saying that rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate, manipulative and selfish behavior, IF that's a consistent pattern, that is - are definitely good reasons to terminate things! Nobody needs to put up with all that kind of "nonsense"!! - Especially if you have "called" him on it and he does not change.....
Things like that are bound to crop up. But hopefully, in dating someone you'll find out what you and he can live with and celebrate, and what you absolutely can't stand - deal "makers" and deal breakers.
Ideally, you'd discover you have lots in common, share the same values and goals for your lives; that you can both listen and sympathize with one another when things are rough, and very important to find out whether "he" is trustworthy - trust has to be earned, by the way and proved by behavior. If you mostly like and enjoy one another then it's a promising sign for the longer term.......
I would interpret his "loss of feelings" statement as an indication that as things went on he found out that maybe he wasn't finding enough interests and positive feelings in common with you to continue on.......OR he might just not have known how to cope with such feelings ("death" of infatuation - which always dies down sooner or later, by the way - REMEMBER: what begins as hot and heavy tends to cool down all the faster when you aren't prepared for it and don't take time to "test the waters" over a longer period.
Again, I'm sorry you feel so bad. Please don't be paranoid. There are plenty of good men out there with whom you'll form a more satisfactory relationship! I just hope that what I've written might give you some insight (you said he was your first boyfriend) in general about relationships, and you can learn from this unhappy experience......
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A
female
reader, karen1989  +, writes (15 August 2010):
 A few months is not enough time to fall in love with somebody. The reason your suffering this much is because this is the first boyfriend you've had-first time round is always the hardest. What you have to remember is your not going to only have one boyfriend in your lifetime..as you get older you'll go through a few boyfriends some more special than others,unfortunately with relationships comes breakups and along with breakups comes heartache. The pain won't hurt any less each time,but you'll get better at learning to deal with it and move on-just through pure experience.
If a guy breaks up with you after just a few months its just not meant to be, hes not that interested,try not to dwell on what went wrong,or what you did wrong..don't blame yourself. Some people just arent that suited. Go out there and find someone you are meant to be with.
Good luck :)
Karen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): I was used by a man at 23, it killed me for months after him dumping me.
Books that helped, "He's just not that into you" and 'why men marry bitches". Honestly, its about not giving them sex too early. If he is dating you for you, he will stick around and if not - well then the hurt wont be as bad.
Read these books, it'll help you a ton!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): 'ello Elly,
First up, Definitely not love. Unfortunately, it's always gonna hurt some when a relationship ends. If it didn't I would think that relationship was probably fake. So yeah, heartache is gonna be there for a bit. Focus on something you love to do, hobbies, activities, friends, whatever does it for you and with time it will pass. My advice would be to fixate (in your mind) that person's name as just a name, no connection or bond. Memories tend to work in strings, you need to sever the emotional bond you've created. (for ex: just ted, not teddy bear, or teddy snookums) lame but you get the drift.
Females tend to bond closer to their mates than males do. Especially ones who are "players". I'm referring to the specific lines "you don't have to be lonely anymore, and I want to take care of you." These are emotional manipulation techniques used by many players. Not all males are "players" but many are. Pretty easy to spot them after some practice. Best way to keep heartache from knocking at your door: Value yourself as a unique and complete human being, know that you don't need anyone to protect/take care of/ make you complete/ etc.
Remember being single does not mean your alone.
Thus ends my monologue, hope I gave you some measure of assistance.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (15 August 2010):
 It seems like an unrequited love. You have all the right in the world to be angry with him. This is what all oxytocin-fueled emotions are like. Every emotion has a dark side (if it didn't start out that way already i.e. anger and hate) It's best if you just forget him. Find a healthy way to vent your anger if it bothers you a lot. It's because he changed your view on things that makes it hard to forget him right? Don't worry, there are a lot of good guys out there, just be patient and keep looking and be cautious.
I hope that helps.
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