A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband went to a strip club (more than once) and spent alot of money. He says he had beers and a few dances, but no extras. I'm having a hard time believing his story, but don't want to end our 38 years of marriage, if he is telling the truth. Any insight is appreciated.
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 he has got some SERIOUS answering to do. drawing out over $1,560 and can't/won't tell you why?
i know you respect the 38 years you have put into your marriage. i just hope that he does too
x
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (20 July 2011):
OP, I won't try and make excuses for your husband. All I can add is that men, like women, have moments of weakness and irrational behaviour. I ended up one night in a well known establishment with mates, downstairs there were booths with young women that I presume would do anything for a price. We got wine, spirits and naked girls and when they started adjusting our clothing they came back for another debit on my credit card, this time, despite blurred vision I made out the $2000 charge that was about to be made. I grabbed my card and made a hasty exit. Whilst the 2 grand I'd already spent made me feel totally gutted I felt a certain relief of having escaped from what might have become a very regrettable experience. However, to be honest something felt good about touching a young woman, men, especially older ones, can be driven wilder by their hormones than any young stud, we know theres a time limit and nature provides us with the ability to chase a death wish! Yes, he stepped over the line. Was it foolishness, recklessness, or a pityful attempt to regain lost youth only you might be able to tell. I have also the experience of my partner destroying our (my) sense of intimacy and I spent many sleepless nights wondering if I would find better peace on my own. Time helps, initial reactions are rarely the best ones. His reaction should tell you more. In a calm manner you need to talk, tell him hes really hurt you, give him a chance to explain without shouting and crying. The only excuse I will make for the male species is that we easily seperate our physical and emotional beings. Our western culture makes a big deal about the significance of physical relations while at the same time making sex a cheap and trivial commodity. I've worked with guys that have no issue with regularly paying for massages and whatever that entails. Unless your husband was at a very sleazy joint I expect not much of what you might imagine actually happened, and if it was that sleazy then the girls didn't look the way you imagine either.Unless you already have a desire to be on your own (and not just to punish and humiliate him) then try find a way forward that you don't live to regret. Theres no instant solution to this, and ironically, just sometimes you come out of the storm with a stronger relationship.Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): OP, i will say it again, cheating is cheating , be it emotional or physical. the moment you start investing in someone else who is not your spouse, that is cheating.sorry, i forgot to identify myself in my earlier response: "whether he pays for something physical.......sad, very sad" - LoveGirlOP, your husband spent a FORTUNE ON STRIPPERS/whoRES, Hun,Please , if u were still having sex with him, get to a doctor immediately. LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhoa - back the cart up. . .you are saying because he is old it is okay to act like a child cause you don't want to grow up? I am very close in age to him and I don't want or need to pay for fantasy sexcapades. Time to get a jolt of reality - we chose this life with the monthly bills, the crying children, and the same partner until death does us part . .not until he felt he needed a change or an escape. Emotional or physical affair either way it is cheating. In both cases you turn away from you spouse and go looking for what you desire from someone else. He acted on an impulse without thought about the ramifications for his actions. One impulse wasn't enough he went back for more so I don't consider it an impulse. It was a thought out plan to lie, deceive, and cheat - probably without thinking he'd ever get caught and have to face the music.
I have no idea what all is included in VIP treatment. I really would like to know - can anyone provide that info? All I can tell you is lap dances cost $30.00 - VIP is $350.00. One charge on the credit card was $1,560.00! He said he didn't pay for anything - he got cash. So if he got that much cash - why would he need to make a cash withdrawal from the bank the next day?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): whether he pays for something physical instead of emotional is not the issue. cheating is cheatig. 38 years down the drain! for what?? nothing but a cheap thrill.
OP, your sadness is felt.
sad, very sad.
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male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Right, I completely get what you’re saying. You two made vows, and he’s broken his side of it. He’s 60, he’s been married since he was 22. 38 years. Your vows said foresakeing all others, until death do us part. And you have reason to think that he’s paid for things that don’t fit with those vows – I don’t know exactly what “VIP treatment” means, but if it’s something beyond a lap dance, well, fair enough for you to feel like he’s broken the vow.
I understand that you are angry. That you continue to work outside of the home, that you are left with the work inside of the home, and that you don’t feel he’s pulling his weight in the home since he’s retired. He’s spending money in strip clubs while you’re still working for a wage, and you come home to laundry to be done and such.
Look, he deserves a slap upside the head. Spending the scarce household money to have a girl grind on him – a slap indeed. But let’s get real – he’s not looking for a relationship with some 30 year old girl – he knows exactly what it is, the “relationship” is 15 minutes and it’s done and he’ll never know her real name. He may go back to the club and see a similar girl and do it again, but he’s not emotionally invested beyond the $50 or whatever. I’m not excusing him, but be clear that he’s paying for something physical, not emotional. You are justly angry, but your last paragraph says you think it’s emotional and he’s looking to bolster his self-esteem. That’s not it at all. No 60 year old in his right mind thinks that he’s getting something real – he’s paying for a fantasy. The fantasy that he’s once again young, strong, desirable, and virile. He wouldn’t pay for it if he didn’t know it wasn’t so.
It’s perfectly reasonable for you to kick him to the curb if you find proof that he’s broken his vows. And perfectly reasonable for you to be angry that he’s spent scarce household funds on things of which you disapprove. But do try to understand that he’s old and trying not to be so.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere were no other buddies involved - just him. The number of times he went doesn't matter - the fact that he went is the problem. He didn't just go to a strip club - he paid for personal attention from other women (I've learned that he had lap dances and the VIP treatment as well). I'm not a prude and I enjoy sex alot. . I really miss the intimacy and the life I was once living with my husband. Now I look at him and visualize a naked 30 year old grinding on his crotch. Frankly, it disgusts me. In my opinion, he threw away 38 years for a cheap thrill. He didn't meet someone and have a relationship with a person he cared about - he just paid for sexual fantasy and stimulation - like going to a prostitute only in a club setting. Why he needed to explore other options remains a mystery to me. Can't understand it and never will. If you are married - you have a certain boundaries that can't be crossed. If you CHOOSE to cross them, you don't have respect for the marriage or your spouse. If you are unhappy - get out of the marriage and then you are free to persue the other options. Don't have your fun at other's expense. I was probably too busy and exhausted from my job, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, shopping, yard work and babysitting for our grandchildren to lavish the attention and flattery on him that he was starved for. Maybe if he would have helped out at home (he is retired and I still work) - I would have had some free time and I could have done the lap dancing for him and we'd still have a savings account! I think it is pathetic that he would need to pay people to feed his ego. He is an adult and as such needs to act in an adult manner. Why would a 60 year old man need to pay a 30 year old stripper to bolster his self esteem? He really can't be that delusional that he would think she would be interested in anything in his pants other than his wallet. He had his ego fed at my expense and now I'm faced with the decision of divorce or settle for a future with a man I don't trust or have faith in. Thanks for your insight everyone and thanks for letting me tell my story. I'm sad to say I don't think this story will have a happily ever after ending. One of my favorite sayings is: I know God won't give me more than I can handle - but sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much. :(
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reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (19 July 2011):
In 2011 a guy visiting a strip joint is hardly a mortal crime. After a few beers with mates its not uncommon to end up at a strip bar. The drinks are expensive and the girls very quick at removing all available cash. If it was a one off with a group of friends then it sounds like you are over-reacting, although I am sure most wives might be surprised or shocked to know their men have been in such places, but most of them have! If on the other hand he goes alone and often then there is an issue with what he is looking for, its probably not sex, more the flattery that the girls dish out to help the cashflow. Sadly I think many older guys go to overcome loneliness or re-live lost youth. If you think you have a relationship problem after so many years then what your husband did is more likely a symptom and not the cause.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 After reading about the 38 years of marriage my first impulse was to tell you to cut him some slack. If he has kept a clean marital record for 38 years, he deserves some leniency, maybe after having been good all this time, he just wanted to know how does it feel to be a bad boy for once in his life.
The problem is that he did not fess up, he get caught. So NOW he says he won't do it anymore, but if he had not been caught, would he have got this stripper thing out of his system and stopped on his own ?.. Uhm. Who knows. Also, he did not prmptly admit his indiscretions, he tried his best to cover them up with fibs. Needing to talk to the stripper's bf ? Spending wads of cash in a strip joint on... what exactly?, CccaCola, popsicles? Uhm again.
Unluckily, you are right, once the trust his gone, is gone, you can try to glue it back, but it's sort of a botched job. If it were me, I could not help wondering if after all he HAS actually kept a clean record for all those years, maybe he has been up to no good other times, only the other times he was luckier and did not get caught. It's an ungenerous way of thinking , perhaps, but a rather natural one , I guess.
Where does that leave you ? At a point were, most of all, you have to be practical and realistic. To dispose of a lifetime together, a 38 years marriage, is a very very serious matter, and I would not blame you at all if you could not face this challenge. Then again, I think you can stay in the marriage only if you can accept without too much bitternes that something went broken and can't ever be totally fixed again and back to how it was before.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): my hubby and I went to a "clean sex show" recently hosted by a stripper. she advised us that they make their monies by the extras and men are not shy to pay. so either he was bursting at the seams by drinking too much of alcohol or he was bursting at the seams from something else...........38 years is a damn long time so yes, you are entitled to feel rage and hurt and anger and bloody hell want to kill him BUT where does this leave you.I suggest marriage counselling for starters. also him phoning the strippers bf???? come on, for what??? your hb is hellbent on destroying his marriage with his lies.i am certain u have kids. talk to them. women feel too ashamed to talk to people about these things, we pretend that all is well, and we put up a farce. if you do this, then u are a fool. hiding the truth will get you nowhere, except in a divorce court.if you can slavage this marriage then try BUT your hb needs to start being honest. no gray areas.LoveGirl
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 July 2011):
hmm, the cell number and lying that he wanted to ring her boyfriend (did he give you a reason that he wanted to speak to the boyfriend?)- i can understand why your hubby would lie to you, its coz he's scared but he must think your pretty stupid if he expects you to believe that. not good. 38 years is a long time, a lifetime spent building life with someone, its a damn shame that he would do something to jeopardise your cosy retirement together.
points to consider - i don't know if you have told your family and friends about this, but don't listen to anyone who tells you to dump his a** coz that's what THEY would do. YOU decide what you are going to do, don't feel ashamed at what ever you decide.
have you noticed the marriage having problems lately that maybe you can both work on, to get the closeness, care and respect back between you. i am not making excuses for what he has done, i am just saying that sometimes when people have been together for ages they start to take each other for granted, they get TOO comfortable and stop making the effort, then the bickering starts, then the gulf between them and when a gap appears, all kinds of trouble has a 'way in'.
on the flip side though, do you trust that he has been good for the past 38 years until this slip up? if marriage problems had started to occur recently then yeah, i suppose its possible that he has been good until now. but if you can HONESTLY say that the marriage has appeared lately to be as happy as ever, it is not really likely that he has suddenly gone mad and gone out chasing strippers.
so he promises to not go to the clubs anymore, well thats a start. (i am not sure if i would him out ANYWHERE after this, without a dogs leash on him) you know, the boredom of monogamy (an unnatural stage for humans) must be hard for anyone to deal with so you certainly don't need strippers thrown into the mix.
i hope you can decide what you want to do, there is no rush to give him your answer so don't be pressurised by him, he relinquished his right the night he took a strippers phone number
x
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 Well, this clarifies the situation. He was clearly overstepping.
Now you have to decide whether you will forget this or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry - 1st time I've asked a question! I didn't state the whole story. At the time, I wasn't aware of his adventures. I found a number in his cell phone that turned out to be a stripper's number. He claims to have called the number only to talk with her boyfriend - not her. Yeah right! I would never have okayed him going to a place like that! I am embarrassed and ashamed of him and our marriage at this point. Boundaries were never discussed prior as I didn't feel it was needed! Even if nothing else happened he is quilty of inappropriate behavior, total disrespect for me,lies and deception I have a tremendous amount of anger, rage, and resentment toward him. He swears he will never go again and he wants to work on our marriage, but I don't know if I will ever be able to believe, trust or have faith in him again. 38 years is a LONG time and just when I thought we could sit back, relax and enjoy the fruits of our labor after many years of working I'm faced with a problem I don't see a way out of. I was always proud of our marriage and happy to be his wife. If you don't have faith and trust in your spouse - I don't think there is much of a marriage left.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 July 2011):
 who knows my ex hubby and I used to drop HUNDREDS in the club without extras... tips at a dollar a tip can run up...
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (19 July 2011):
I am sorry to say this, but we cannot really know whether he did more than buy drinks and dances. Those things would be expensive anyways, but, no one but him knows how he really spent that money.
I see a problem in a husband going to a strip club. But I've learned that what you see is not necessarily all there is. Maybe, as someone said, you have agreed to this? His going doesn't seem right, however.
It seems to me that your hard decision needs to be whether you would stay married even if he had slept with someone else.
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reader, C. Grant +, writes (19 July 2011):
Was he with a group of friends and buying rounds? Does he drink a lot -- even beer in those places is expensive. How do you know how much he spent -- was it on a credit card? I don't know how it works, but I kind of doubt that you could put 'extras' on a card, and even if you can, it's not very discrete.
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reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 July 2011):
no one knows the answer to this but your husband (and of course the people at the club) if he is frequenting places like this and paying girls for dances, what real difference does it make if he getting extras or not? the fact that he is there sticking money in a woman's thong is 90% on its way to cheating as it is.
38 years is a long time to be married and it would be a real shame to throw someone out if they have done no more than watched the strippers BUT i feel the issue has now gone beyond this - what we now have is the situation where you are torturing yourself with doubt, and mistrust for your husband and that is REALLY not fair to you. he has given you grave cause for concern and that means he has overstepped the mark. you gave him the chance to go watch strippers, and he has gone too far, which is more than most wives would have let him do. even if it was just dances and drinks, he has blown too much money - he's taken the piss - so that's it - playtime is over! no more strip clubs
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): surely your husband shouldnt have the need to visit such a place? why not spice things up between the two of you, instead of him and some other woman?
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