A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've got myself into a situation and think I need to walk away but it hurts too much.I've fallen in love with this guy. Id class him as a mate. He's picked me up when I've been at rock bottom and we message all day every day. We were supposed to be a casual thing but we haven't had sex for a while. He comes over a couple of times a week, we cuddle watch films and get takeaways etc. We go to bed together and sleep. I've told him I have feelings for him and that's why we stopped having sex however he still comes over. He won't commit though. He says im forcing him into a relationship and that he doesnt want that with anyone. Ive said then it needed to end but then he's over and we cuddle. He's also started coming earlier and earlier, he comes back now when out with mates really early and spends the evening with me instead and is spending around 14hours each time at mine. Its like he gets mad though at himself and says it isn't a relationship and it was supposed to be casual. He however continues coming over despite no sex. He has said he cares alot about me. His mates tease him that im his girlfriend, it upsets me though he gets angry about it as he says he won't just turn on his feelings. He says he's fine on his own and sees a relationship as messy and serious and doesn't want that. He says he has never stayed at a girls without it being about sex and doesnt do watching films etc as its too relationshipy but then hes doing that stuff with me. When I question it he says he doesn't know what he's doing and pushes me away. I've said he needs to let me go then but then he's just there and if im out with friends he's triple texting me, commenting on my stories and then calling me until im home. I dont mind but I want commitment then from him. I have feelings for him and just think im not going to get over them the more time we spend together. And why keep coming over when there is no sex and its not what he wants. And can a perosn really like being alone.
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 June 2021):
 You both have a right to want what you want, but neither of you has a right to expect something from the other person that they don't want to give. You have a right to want a committed and stable relationship, while he has a right not to want one. However, you do not have a right to demand he commits to you and he is playing very unfair with you by messing you about, giving you false hope.
You have a choice here. You are not obligated to him in any way. You CHOOSE to let him keep hurting you because you -wrongly, in my opinion - believe the crumbs of affection he throws your way are better than nothing. You need to understand that this is not a mutually exclusive situation, a choice between him or nothing; this is a choice between allowing this man to mess you about, keeping you on a back burner until he finds someone he does want to date seriously, at which point he will walk away and hurt you deeply, or taking control of the situation, realizing you are worth so much more and setting out to find what you deserve.
The choice is yours. Choose wisely, otherwise the choice will be made for you further down the line and will be completely out of your control. Be strong.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (30 June 2021):
 You are Miss Right Now, not Miss Right. You gave him sex hoping for more, he took it. You expressed your feelings, he doesn't return them but he will take what he can get for you as long as you allow it to happen. Men normally say what they mean. LISTEN to what he has told you and believe it to be true. He isn't going to commit to you now or later because you don't figure into the long term plan. I'm sorry OP but its the truth. Been there done that and oh does it hurt.
I was madly in love with a man once blindly so. Humiliatingly so. We were so very close yet I cared far more than he did and he came right out and said that I would never be "the one". I stupidly thought he would change his mind. He never did and 2 years later I was left with a broken heart when he started dating someone else that he went on to marry. Hurt but smarter I came away from that relationship. When men say things like that, they mean it.
Break it off and stop waiting for him to change and suddenly fall in love with you. You deserve far more!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2021): Sex was made available; so he took it. Apparently, it was under the condition of there being no strings attached.
He continues to maintain friendship, despite the denial of sex. You want more, but he has repeatedly told you he does not want a committed-relationship. His friends teasing and calling you his girlfriend is irrelevant. You're not children! Doesn't matter what his friends say anyway; he won't commit to a relationship with you.
He's just a friend. Take it, or leave it. Ask him to stop coming over, and refuse to let him in.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 June 2021):
 I'll start with your last question:
" And can a person really like being alone?."
Yes
But HE isn't WANTING to be alone, he just doesn't want an official relationship. He wants the GF experience (so to speak) with you, watching movies, cuddling, and previously having sex. BUT he thinks IF he says yes to being BF/GF things will change and you will expect more of him that he is willing to give. Basically, he wants what HE THINKS is the best of both worlds.
You can't MAKE him commit. You can't MAKE him want to date you and be in a relationship. As he said, you can not FORCE him.
If he doesn't WANT to YOU need to tell him: "Buddy, whatever this thing is, it's over, I don't want casual and you don't want a relationship, so it has to stop, so I can move on and eventually find someone who WANTS to be with me, and date me."
It will hurt to end this "whatever it is". But it is also POINTLESS for you to do this to YOURSELF.
So how do you do this? Well, you BLOCK his number, then delete it, then you block and remove him from ALL your social media and remove yourself from his. If he shows up at your door, don't let him in. If he texts you from a friend's phone you block that number WITHOUT replying.
You say: "I've said he needs to let me go then but then he's just there" - which is WHY you have to be the one to tell him enough is enough and YOU have to be the one to shut this down.
He will get the point.
And then you WORK on letting go of this guy. You can't fit a round peg in a square hole.
He was fine with casual sex and hanging out with you because HE got HIS needs met, your needs are just not important to him. You want commitment, a relationship. He doesn't. So you are INCOMPATIBLE.
And you.... dear OP, are WASTING your time on a guy who doesn't care for you to the same degree YOU care for him.
Triple texting you, commenting on your stories, even watching movies with you doesn't equate to CARING for you. IT's the BARE minimum of "investment" to keep you hooked. Now that you want more... he stopped with the sex. At some point (if you keep seeing him) he will find someone else for the sex part. And maybe just use you for hanging out and watching movies with. Again, HE isn't looking to fulfill YOUR needs, JUST his own.
Let him go.
Find someone who wants to actually BE with you. To BE your partner.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (30 June 2021):
 I think that the feelings that you have for him are stronger than the feelings he has for you.
You stopped having sex because you declared your feelings for him, this say's it all really.
I think if he met someone else the visits to you would stop, and i suspect that you would not see him for dust.
I think that to save yourself for future heartache i would tell him that you want a serious relationship, and if he is not prepared to commit to you then tell him there is no point in this casual relationship carrying on.
I know its hard because you have feelings for him, but i just feel he is only going to hurt your feelings if you let this continue.
...............................
A
female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (30 June 2021):
 Typical fuckboy, he won't commit yet makes you believe you're special doing bf-gf stuff with you, but if he really liked you he would commit. He's probably doing the same routine with other girls too. " When I question it he says he doesn't know what he's doing and pushes me away." Sounds really immature too, I would stop talking to him, you're just in for more heartache.
...............................
|
