A
female
age
30-35,
*enizli
writes:Hi everyone.Well I've been in a relationship with this guy for 11 months, so far this is the longest relationship I've ever had. He's 21 and I'm 17.I love him so much, more than I've ever loved anyone else but he's a violent person.In the past, he's had violent episodes not towards me but he told me about them before, he was a very violent person before to the point he had to be treated by a psychiatrist, I've never been scared of him because I know him for so long and I think he has recovered from that but he's been insulting me lately.A few months ago he called me FAT and UGLY and that was very hard for me since I've suffered from bulimia since I was 13, now I'm good but that comment really hit me, he knew about this and still he called me that, it was just once but it was truly hard for me.Lately, he's been very possessive and controlling to me and this has caused many fights between us, and I've stopped seeing some male good friends because of him. He wasn't like this before but I don't know what happened that made him change like that.We've been fighting often lately about this and he thinks I think my friends are more important to me than him, he counts the time I take from school to home and if it happens to take a little longer than usually he starts texting me asking me when will i get home or stuff like that.Tonight earlier we had a fight while we were chatting on msn because I added this swedish guy to my msn (my bf is swedish also) he saw that on the msn updates and he asked me about him, he also said I keep things from him since I didn't tell him about this guy, he said things like I have secret friends, we had a great argument because of this to the point he called me BITCH in a very rude way and I'm sure that if I had been there with him in his room he would've slapped me on the face, I can tell that by the way he was talking to me.I don't really hide things from him, I just didnt tell him about this guy because I didn't think it was that important but it makes me angry he insults me and treats me like crap, some people would consider this violence I'm not sure but I love him more than anything in this world and I would like to find a way to solve this before it's too late.Thanks for reading my question, I hope you can help me make a decision about this relationship because I'm afraid he could be like this or worse in the future, I'm afraid this insulting could turn into hitting me or something worse, what can I do? Please help
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 February 2011):
 And I would like to add that "but I love him" is not a reason for staying in a relationship either. Love alone NEVER saves a relationship, it is simply not enough! No relationship survives on love alone, unless that love is shown in the right way, through respect, admiration, care, loyalty, etc.
This man doesn't respect you, nor does he treat you right. Just because you love him and treat HIM right, doesn't mean he will automatically treat you right. Your love for him is not enough. But you will love again! He might be your first, but he will not be your last!
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 February 2011):
Im sorry to give you bad news, but you are old enough to be in a relationship, then you are old enough to face the harsh facts of life. Not all people are good people. And you have landed in a relationship with a man who is not good. He is treating you bad, and no, it will not get better. And no, there is nothing you can do about it. Only he can change himself, but that will not happen while he is with you. Every day you are with him it tells him it is ok for him to treat you this way. Every day you are with him you allow him to control you.
The reason he wasn't like this at first? It's because at first he put on a mask and only showed you his good sides. Tried to look as great as possible, to catch you and get a relationship with you. It's how things work, with EVERYONE in the world. At first you meet them everyone will try and show themselves from their best side. Then as time pass you get to know them for who they truly are. In usual, in my experience, their true self appears somewhere around 6 months to a year and 6 months. Only then can you make a good choice on whether or not this is a person you want to be with for longer. Only when you've seen who they truly are can you decide if this is a person who is a good match for you.
Relationships, and people, are ALWAYS great at first! Which is why "the relationship used to be so great" is NOT a reason for staying! Only if the relationship still is great a year into it, it is a good relationship. At the beginning all relationships will appear perfect. You are now at the stage where you truly see him for who he is. It is NOW that you make your decision on whether to stay with him or not.
But there are red flags here. When a guy tries to change you he doesn't actually love you for you, but sees you as property (same goes for women). You need to love your partner for who they are, not for how you wish they were! This man is trying ti change you, he's already succeeded in keeping you away from friends of yours, stopping you from making friends with whomever you like, he keeps track of you and traps you down so you are not free to do whatever you want. He calls you names and treats you bad.
This man does not love you for you. He wants to own you, he considers you "his property". You are not EVER anyone's property! You belong to YOU, and you have a right to see whomever you want and be friends with whomever, and any man that tries to make you stop meeting your friends is a man who is NOT good for you.
You on the other hand are not happy in this relationship. You came on here trying to fix it. While some problems in relationships can be worked on, your request is on how to change him as person. That can never be done. You either find happiness in him as he is, or you move on.
Please move on. He is not a good man.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (26 February 2011):
 "I'm 17. I love him so much, more than I've ever loved anyone else but he's a violent person."
I agree with CaringGuy "It is essential - ESSENTIAL that you get away from this man." Leave and stay gone.
He knows your experience with bulimia and called you "FAT and UGLY". "Lately, he's been very possessive and controlling to me". The distance between verbal abuse and physical abuse can be very small. CaringGuy said it best "It is essential - ESSENTIAL that you get away from this man." I wish you all the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): "I would like to find a way to solve this before it's too late."
It's already too late because this is the person he is. He was able to hold that back a bit at the start but now he gives less of a crap.
Get used to it OP, this is the guy you love and it's only going to get worse.
Either find the strength to leave right now and never look back or just prepare yourself for a life of constant insults, jealousy, controlling and the very possibility of getting a slap or two.
You can't solve this, you can't make him a different person.
But this is how it will work because you're so attached to him. You'll talk to him and tell him you've had enough, at which point he'll say sorry and promise to change. Then you'll accept that and things will be lovely for a week or two, then he'll start insulting you and putting you down again. Then he'll apologize and make some excuse how he doesn't mean but he loses control. You'll accept that because love him. This will go on and he may even start hitting you as punishment, then apologizing afterwards and being the lovely guy you fell in love with for a little while and the cycle will continue. Until you're so broken and so desperate you try to leave him. But you see you won't leave him because he'll cry and beg, he'll constantly phone and text you about how sorry he is and again he'll promise change. So you will go back to him again because you love him and miss him and the things he says sound ideal in taking away the pain of not being with him.
This again will go on and on for ages, you will break up and he will win you back with the same promise of change over and over. That is assuming you have anyone else in your life after he pushes them all away. You see he'll get even more controlling even more possessive and you'll start becoming the perfect victim, you'll start blaming yourself for getting hit because you should have known not to speak to him that way. You'll make excuses for what he does to you by making it so he's not to blame for what he does.
That is the future you have to look forward to. That is the man you love and you're not going to give that up over some minor thing like wholesale domestic abuse are you? You love him sure. A few broken teeth, shattered confidence, an eating disorder, friends lost and self image destroyed never hurt anyone did they?
The choice is simple OP, either break up or he'll break you.
If you don't break up now, then say goodbye to any happiness in the near future. But who needs happiness or self belief when you have love right? Love conquers all doesn't it?
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
Best of luck OP, I really hope you're one of the ones that is able to conquer their love for an abuser and move on, sooner rather than later. You've already let this get too far. Pretty soon you'll be an empty shell of a broken woman, who has lost all her faith in other humans. Because that's what happens to people who let themselves be abused by others. You see OP you're not some helpless child bound by circumstance to their abuser. You're an independent adult with a choice. Make the right one.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 February 2011):
It is essential - ESSENTIAL that you get away from this man. You might love him, but he doesn't love you at all. He's only interested in power over you.
Here in the UK, the figures for women being killed by a man is 2 per week, and one woman is assaulted ever 20 seconds. I'm not sure what it it in Canada, but I would imagine that the figures aren't hugely dissimilar.
The man doesn't have to hit you to make you snap. But given that he's threatened you with violence, it's almost certain that he will at some point hit you. Most likely when you're pregnant, actually, and then when you have kids because you will be even more subservient. Then one day, he might hit your kids. Or maybe your kids will become abusers.
This WILL get worse - and there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing. You can't change him. That's a massive lesson about men you need to know now. No man will change unless he wants to. Your boyfriend doesn't want to change, because he already has what he wants. He has you allowing yourself to be abused.
He's not the love of your life. At all. He's the man who'll take your life away from you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): get away from him fast he could be very dangerous, he is using your weak points to verbally abuse you, stand up for yourself you dont need that kind of relationship. Obviously you care for him, suggest he seeks help even try to get help for him or if you feel you can talk to his parents or friends get them to help to, it may be he's crying out for help and just needs a push in the right direction,but you should not get yourself in such a dangerous situation. He doesn't have the right to tell you who you can and can't be friends with, you need your friends especially right now, dont shut yourself away from those who care. He sound like a bully and seriously needs some help. Help him get help then GET OUT
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (26 February 2011):
 Those fears you have about the future of this relationship have already given you the answer. He is a very angry person and so far, you have been lucky since you have not experienced his unreasonable wrath yet. It might feel like he is the love of your life but this relationship can only move toward a non-existent future. That is to say, you may keep hoping but never reach any happiness in this relationship. End it, move on and hopefully you will find a man who treats you the way your current 'boyfriend' never could, with respect and with love and care. I know this isn't what you want to hear but I think you know deep inside you, there is a voice that is begging you to see things for what they really are so you can escape before things get worse.
I hope that helps.
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