A
female
age
36-40,
*teph.anie
writes:I have been dating a man for almost a year. This man takes care of my bills and he says he wants to marry me. He has been physically abusive with me, to an extent where I should know he is not the one for me. I have been abused by my father;therefore, physical abuse does not have much of an effect on me. I am some what comforted by it, sad but I am being honest. The thing that really gets to me is that he checks out other women in front of me. I know the answer to my own question, I should leave. I know why I don't, I know I want the security and attention he provides. I know all the reasons why I stay and all the reasons why I should not stay. I need to know what I can do to help myself these facts into account and leave? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 August 2010):
 Why do you see abuse as being okay? You don't deserve to be physically, mentally or sexually abused. It is unacceptable that you are treated that way at all. He has no respect for you. I don't know how someone can abuse you, then claim they want to be with you. Those two, combined, do not make sense. You need to get help through a domestic violence organization, shelter, or friend/family. If you can't find the strength within yourself, you need to find it within someone who does. Either way you need to get out. Never accept being abused in any way. It's not comforting, and does not provide security. It's wrong, and I hope you'll find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated, with absolutely no abuse. Just because your dad did, doesn't mean you need to continue accepting abuse by anyone.
Take care. I hope everything works out for you.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (24 August 2010):
 I think the best thing you can do is seek help. There are quite a few different organizations out there that help women in your situation. One nice thing about them is that you can sometimes meet these other women who are in the same boat and become a support network for eachother.
Like you said, you know what you have to do, now I sincerely hope you're able to do it.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 You say you know the answer, why bother with the question? Doubt should be removed. The attention he gives you is not the kind of attention you want and you said it yourself that he often checks out other women in front of you, what kind of morbid attention is that? You mistake his strength for some sort of corrupt sense of security from danger when in reality, he IS the danger, there is no security with him. You need to leave him, you need to go and get help from a family member, from a close friend, from the police.
A friend of mine had a boyfriend like this. Do not be swayed by his declaration of marriage. Things will only get worse if you marry this monster.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): Go to your local domestic abuse shelter and ask for some advice. Look into your options and see what they can offer you. There'll be other women like you there that you can talk to, perhaps meeting with some of them face to face and talking will help you when you hear their stories. They'll tell you how they did it and might be able to steer you in the right direction.
Frankly you already know enough to logically be good enough reason for you to leave but you haven't found a way yet.
They'll be able to help.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 August 2010):
If you were abused by one person (your father), it doesn't surprise me that you've now gone into the arms of another abuser. But, when it comes to it, you need to ask yourself whether you want your own children (should you have them) to go through what you have. You need to look in a mirror and decide whether you just want to spend the rest of your life either being abused, or worse find yourself beaten to the point where you're either dead or disabled. You're now at a huge turning point in your life, and the decision you take now will affect you beyond this. If you stay, you might wind up dead, you might wind up consistently being beaten, or you might get pregnant, have a child and see your own child abused as you were. But, on the other hand, you now do have the one opportunity to get out, receive counselling and help and turn your life around so you can be happy. You don't have to sit there feeling comforted when your boyfriend hits you. You really don't. You can make a break for it. You're here because you want to, so this is your moment. If you do, you stand the best chance possible to turn your life around. If you don't, you will be dragged in further, and maybe one day you'll have a child who'll also be abused. Make a break for your own life.
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A
female
reader, Neilbell +, writes (24 August 2010):
I think you should leave him while you can becauase when your in marrage there's no backing out what he's doing now is just the start he's buttering you up with proposal I've seen this many times so take it from someone that's had to see it unless you want to be in hospital living a life in fear go to your mums or friends and say your leaving him asap. Speak to someone close to you they'll help you get away you may still live him but pull soon see a totally diffrent person from who you seen on a first date til the day after marrage he won't be anything like the first one hope this helps make a decistion
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