A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been faithful to my wife for the better part of two decades. I love her very much. Physically, however, I find myself having grown very bored with "regular" sex over the last few years. When we have sex, I have to fantacise to get into it. This little charade is getting harder and harder to keep up.I want to start doing some adventurous things: maybe a threesome, try anal, have her dress very slutty maybe wearing a wig and meet in a bar for a one night stand, have a happy ending massage.She still seems to just enjoy our regular sex life, and does not have any interest in expanding our boundaries, now 20 years into marriage.I guess I am just seeking some advice here. I love my wife very much, but my interest and excitement at just the same old same old is waning - to the point where I could really care less if we have sex at all. Truth be told, I probably enjoy masturbation more, but I know a happy sex life is in the long run critical to a happy marriage.Have any of you had to deal with such feelings? How did you resolve them? Again, I love my wife and am committed to staying married. I realize some of you may have very angry reactions to my post. However, I am just being honest about feelings I have suppressed for a few years now, and don't know what to do to have my needs/desires resolved. Do I suppress them forever and keep pretending to be into sex? Do a little on the side? convince my wife to join me somehow?
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female
reader, shanana +, writes (30 August 2010):
I think I would approach it as "honey, do you have any sexual fantisies or desires i could help you out with?" She's probably going to be a little taken back, but I think she'll come around. Keep talking to her about her wants and desires and then throw in some of your own. Good Luck!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): Sex should be the result of love and intimacy, and it sounds like you love her. So, talk to her about it.I have certain boundaries that will not be crossed--3-way AIN'T EVER GONNA HAPPEN with this lady. However I'd be willing to listen to anything my BF had to say and would be willing to try some things that didn't cross my personal boundaries.She might just surprise you with some ideas of her own??Side note: IF, and I'm not saying you are, but IF you're getting your ideas from porn---you'll remain disappointed for the rest of your life---real life is not like porn.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (28 August 2010):
 http://www.savvymiss.com/love-advice/sex-advice/sex-sex-sex-archive/article/the-truth-about-sex-addiction-2486.html
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (28 August 2010):
"I enjoy masturbation more" "I don't care if we even have sex". "I want to try threesomes"
Let me guess, you watch porn while masturbating and have done so for along time.
Although, you may want to spice up your sex life, that is fine, but having to have more and more raunchy sex and forbidden sex, like threesomes is a result of the desensitization to real human closeness and intimacy and the false fantasies that porn has provided. There is also research done that proves that constant visual impulses from watching porn, actually changes your brain pathways into sort of a tunnel vision for more and more decadent porn and a shutting off of your brains ability to get you aroused from real human contact with your wife.
In short, if my hunch is correct, you are in the process of becoming addicted to porn or you already are.
So the problem is not your boring wife, sir, it is you and what you've trained your brain to do.
You might want to check out these articles posted in this question asker's post, to understand more what I am talking about...and there are many more such studies and articles that you can find on the matter.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-all-the-men-in-my-life.html
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (28 August 2010):
 For a contrast to some of the answers below, I've always believed in (and had success with) direct and clear communication about sexual desires. I'm not saying make demands, nor make her feel obligated. But explaining clearly how you are feeling in a non-accusatory or judgmental way can avoid a lot of the misunderstandings and disappointmens that the 'subtle' approach can result in.
The Dutch way has been labelled rather direct, I might add! :)
She has needs too. Take the opportunity to see what you can do for her. Which may well not be sexual!
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (27 August 2010):
 I think BeSimplyTrue put it extremely well. Having 'a discussion' could be v painful, damaging and upsetting for your wife - which would have the opposite effect to what you want. And certainly keep that threesome idea totally to yourself!!!
I personally think the best way to bring new things into play is to start with very subtle little forays ... for example, you both get into bed, you - I don't know what you do - read a book, surf the net on yr laptop, whatever, and then one or both of you put down the book/laptop/cup of tea and someone puts out the light. Snuggle up to her. Stroke her back. Get out the massage oil or cream you have carefully put by the side of the bed, top off, in preparation beforehand. Just squeeze a little cream on to her and start massaging (a 'safe' area such as her shoulders). Don't say anything. Commune with her on another level. No talking. Only blind warmth, feeling, and touching. And in this way, explore. Maybe you will only massage her back, the backs of her arms, her neck, the backs of her legs, and leave it at that. You might do it for an hour. Tap into her body, feel every touch as if you yourself are being touched. When it starts to really work right, you will feel as if you are playing, or hearing, music. Just do this and see where it goes.
As I say, almost better to do this, and then leave it. Leave her wanting more. You need to awaken something in her, but do it in a way that she feels only ever so gently drawn into something.
And do this every night, for some time. And see where it goes. You can suggest, or bring her to the point of wanting, certain things without ever putting words to them. For example, the word 'anal' is so totally offputting ... frankly I don't think it is something that should be talked about, or put into words, It is something that might happen, organically, between you both ... but for G's sake don't talk about it. Sex on its real level isn't verbal - it is something else, and a different plane.
You need to get there with her.
And then I think you will stop thinking about threesomes, and she will be more than enough - she will be everything.
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A
female
reader, BeSimplyTrue +, writes (27 August 2010):
 I think it's clear you are frustrated and feeling stuck, but I advise you to be patient and subtle with your wife. I think it is likely that you could get your wife interested in trying some new things sexually, BUT they have to be subtle at first, and kinda tame compared to what you ultimately want. What you want are pretty adventurous things, and bringing them up immediately would probably scare her or gross her out. You need to work up to them and start with less exotic versions.
(And let me point out, she may NEVER want a threesome--I know I would never ever want one with my man. However, it sounds like you're mostly just extremely bored sexually so I suspect ANY different cool sexual thing would be welcome.)
Here are some suggestions for some sexy things you can do that are good to start with:
Buy some lovely-smelling oil and give each other sensual massages
Take one of your neckties and gently tie her wrists together and then kiss and lick her gently all over (later you could turn this into serious bondage if you like, but this is the first step)
Another time (NOT the same time as when you tie her wrists), take a soft piece of cloth and tie it gently over her eyes, and proceed to do sexy things to her
Suggest she bind your wrists or cover your eyes and surprise you with sexy touches
Take a shower or sexy bath together and then suggest some anal play, licking first instead of anal penetration. If she feels gross, you can remind her that you just bathed so she's nice and clean. But do take no for an answer if she's just not willing to try
Suggest that you guys roleplay something more romantic and sweet, to start off (you can do the slutty one another time, as long as you work up to it)--perhaps you could roleplay your younger selves when you met, or princess and knight (if she likes that kind of thing), whatever tickles her fancy. Make it romantic and fun for her, rather than kinky and slutty, which some women find objectionable
Try taking sexy photos of each other, or if she's game, try videotaping you two having sex, which can be very hot
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: Present each one of these things as something fun, not "OH MY GOD I'M SOOOOO BORED WE NEED TO DO THIS". No one wants to hear that. It's crushing to hear, even if you are bored with the situation, not with her. It's just impossible to separate the two, and her feelings are bound to be hurt. Plus, one is always more willing to do something if it's presented in a pleasant, positive way rather than a stressed-out, angry kind of way, and you sound kinda angry in your post here.
I'm speaking from experience, by the way. I spent 7 years in a relationship with a guy who got bored with vanilla sex pretty quickly and wanted to try kinky things almost right away. He kept buying me thongs for gifts and insisted they were the only sexy underwear, even though I tried them and hated them. He suggested blindfolding me AND tying my wrists at the same time, which scared the heck out of me, the thought of being so helpless. He compared me to other women and made me feel like an ugly little nothing. Please, if you love your wife, don't do these things to her. Clearly my ex wanted to spice things up but it was too much all at once AND he was insulting to boot. There are ways of getting your wife to be interested in trying new things with you, but you have to be compassionate and patient or the marriage bed will become a battle ground. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): Oh man, I so hear you. I've been with my wife for 27 years, and yes, the routine definitely wears thin after a while.
Hopefully your communication is better than ours, because trying to discuss sex gets me no where. I have had some success with hinting -- anal is mercifully on the menu now, which was a huge thrill. All I can suggest is that you try to subtly steer her in new directions. And I do think the others are right, a 3-way isn't likely on (unless you're thinking of another guy).
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Stonemason +, writes (27 August 2010):
 You are a very normal person, don't worry. I have been married 25 years. You are being far too cautious, I think. It seems to me that, according to what you have described, I have been treating my wife like your wife has been treating you. In other words, my wife had all sorts of fantasies that represented to her "her needs," which I was not meeting. In my own case, my wife said next to little or nothing to me before she, in order to get satisfaction did things behind my back. I suppose she didn't confide in me out of embarrassment and a false sense of shame. Have you ever forthrightly and candidly talked to your wife about your own sexual needs? Apparently, she is not meeting them. You at least can find out if she realizes this is a problem. It may be she has no interest in satisfying your fantasies, as I have no interest in satisfying all of hers. But I have tried to satisfy several. Give her a chance. Before you talk, figure out which fantasies are absolutely necessary and which are not, then tell her only the necessary ones. Don't be surprised if she is totally indifferent. I was not only indifferent but shocked by some of my wife's.Until you talk, you won't understand or be clear about your wife's attitude towards your sexuality. Clarify what her attitude is. Keep the focus on you and your fantasies that you have to have to be happy. Summarize what she says to you. Re-phrase what her responses to you are: let her hear what she sounds like. For ex., "You are telling me that you don't care what I want and that you not willing to do anything to satisfy me."I had to go with my wife to a psychotherapist-marriage counselor to understand what it all meant. We're still trying hard, but we're separated now.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Honesty is the best policy. Sit down and talk to her. But I agree with CaringGuy, don't bring up the threesome. Women get offended with things like that, they feel like they can't satisfy you alone.
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A
female
reader, natmarie +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Just ask her!! She might surprise you.. at least - I hope she does. :o)
Go easy though eg: one thing at a time - not 'Hey Misses, will you dress sluty wear a wig, meet me in a bar and let me give it to you up the a**' straight off!! Good luck xx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 August 2010):
The threesome thing will probably not come off. But the other ideas are something you can just talk to her about. Maybe just sit down with her and say that you'd like to try some new things in the bedroom. She may well go for it.
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