A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,Have any of you ladies on here suffered with some depression, low self esteem and insecurities to the point that while seeing a hot man, you can't enjoy it for the endless worrying that he will dump you for someone better? So, you end up dumping them for the fear that they will dump you, therefore you don't have to deal with the hurt of rejection.Next, in an effort to "fix" yourself, to build your confidence and self esteem you date a "safe" option, such as a friend of a friend you don't necessarily find attractive, and hence you think not many other ladies will, therefore you don't need to feel insecure? It's really selfish, but you have to put number 1 first, right?After a while when you have built your self confidence and esteem and dealt with your insecurity demons, you then "nicely" finish with this person and get back to trying to find a hot man. Maybe, even trying to get back with the hot man in the first instance.Has anyone done that?
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (21 December 2013):
I have fairly low self esteem but I've never done anything like that. It doesn't make much sense to me either actually, because low self esteem cannot be 'cured' by a relationship with anyone whether they are 'safe' or not. It's much more deep rooted than that. Plus, someone with true low self esteem is likely to worry that ANYONE will leave them because they don't think very highly of themselves.That's not to say it couldn't happen, but I think it's maybe more likely that what happened is that this girl was with a so-called hot guy who didn't treat her well and either cheated or made out he could cheat on her whenever she wanted. So she got sick of him and his behaviour and decided to try a relationship with someone different to her usual type. That's not using someone though OP, it's just the way dating works. You give someone a chance, and they either do it for you or they don't. It sounds to me like you think you have been hurt by someone and you are looking for reasons why she ended things with you? If that's the case, please try to stop dwelling on it and move on. You will find someone who loves you and wants you and you'll never find that if you stay focused on this other person. All the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2013): Yes, I did that a lot back when I was a teenager. I never dated anyone I was truly attracted to until I was 20. I just assumed handsome and "hot" guys would ditch me as soon as a prettier girl came along, so I didn't bother with them. However, I found out that even the ugliest guys can still be jerks. I dated a guy who I found to be borderline hideous for around 3 years, and all he did was make me feel bad about myself. It just goes to show the way a person looks doesn't always matter. Not all beautiful people are stuck up, and not all ugly people are nice. That's an unfair generalization, although there are just enough people out there who fit the stereotype that it makes everyone look bad. So I understand where you're coming from, especially since I was guilty of it in the past. I now think it has more to do with how a person was raised, and their life experiences that determine how nice they will (or won't) be, not their attractiveness.
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A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (20 December 2013):
 OMG, my answer will be different from the other girls because I did that. I am sorry to say that you can not really judge what will happen in a relationship based only on looks.You see, there was a point that I was being courted by 2 men, one looked like a movie star and one looked scary. The first impression of my friends about this scary-looking guy is that "how on earth am I even speaking to him? He is so ugly." That's what they said.But because I was an insecure girl and was afraid this handsome suitor will only ditch me for prettier girls, I said no to him and instead went with the other guy. The first few months with this "ugly" guy, I was treated like a princess and he was head over heels with me. But even before we turned 1 year together, I found out that 3 months into our relationship, he was already cheating on me with another girl. So we broke up before the one year and my heart was really broken. I learned to love this man and I chose him but look what he did to me? He ruined my self-esteem.Shortly after that, I met a guy online and he is really handsome, it was too good to be true. I kept on talking to him but never even thought of the possibility of being with him so I never agreed to meet him. It was an online friendship for a year. But one time he just followed me without my knowledge and that's where I finally met him. It took me months to finally agree to be his girlfriend (just because he is too handsome for me) and now we are together almost 4 years. Compared to my ex, I could only say that hot or not, this should not be a basis for anyone to say whether they are safe or not with a person.What I can say is, never ever use the hotness of a person for your own self-esteem or it will backfire on you. Look what happened to me.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (20 December 2013):
No, honey.You need to work on your insecurity issues by looking within yourself, not by hurting someone else. Not only will it not work, but it's wrong.I'm afraid your priorities are all twisted up. You should be looking for partners based on many qualities, not just hotness.I do understand the jealousy and insecurity. When I was young I was extremely jealous and insecure, and ruined several promising relationships over it. I realized that it was a problem, and I solved it by telling myself over and over that I was NOT a jealous person, and that I was beautiful and confident, every single time I looked in a mirror. And when those feelings surfaced (and those feelings are horrible) instead of acting on them, I grinned and bore it and repeated my mantra internally.And guess what? It worked! It took time. Probably close to a year, but if you set your mind to it you can do it also.I hope for your sake you will put away your shallow attitudes towards dating and start looking for more meaningful qualities in your partner (of course, attraction is important, but what is hotness without brains, kindness, and a great sense of humor?)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 December 2013):
 never have never would.
and I have suffered depression before....
using someone is not in my repertoire and choosing a man based on his "hotness" was never my preference.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 December 2013):
 Heck no !
First, how on earth dating someone that I think of as an unattractive loser that no other woman would want, is going to fix my insexurities or low self esteem ? In fact, it would make me feel like I am scraping the bottom of the barrel and I have to be content with it - not a great ego booster.
Second, personally I don't understand the M.O. you describe- rejecting first for not risking being rejected . It's like refusing to take your dream job because they might fire you later on. Or refusing to go as guest in a wonderful luxury villa, because at the end of the week you'll have to go back your more modest abode. Or not buying a car because you could total it in an accident.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 December 2013):
 Not in a million years would I ever do a thing like that.
It would be against everything within me to ever use someone like that to prop myself up. Anyone I've ever dated was because I was interested in them. I don't play games with people's emotions, nor do I date under false pretenses, and I absolutely find it unconscionable to use someone like how you described. I don't deal with insecurity demons and I never have.
Sounds like whoever you described has serious issues. However, I believe in people being responsible for their actions, and no mental diagnosis lets someone off the hook for the way they treat a partner, no way, no how.
Whoever this toxic lady is in your life, I'm sorry you had to deal with this. It's not normal.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (19 December 2013):
Dear OP-
I've never done that.
But I'm familiar with the impulse of 1) ruin things with attractive people so I don't have to be afraid of rejection and 2) trying to date someone who I don't find that attractive because it's less scary.
I can totally understand the whole story but dear, please stop making men around you miserable and putting so much emphasis on a "hot guy" and his approval. You're not worth any less just because you can't get a supermodel kind of guy.
Right now you are telling the story as if you've broken up with the "hot man" out of an irrational impulse and your psychological problems. But maybe that was just the right thing to do, because he would have dumped you for someone "hotter" indeed. Maybe he was a shallow but good-looking guy and you sensed that. Please consider that before you start dating him again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): No one I know has done that, why do you ask OP?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 December 2013):
 Not me.
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