A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi-I'm currently single, but i'm still sleeping with and hanging out with my ex-boyfriend. We act very much as a couple, and still say I love you to each other, but we ended the relationship for good reasons, hence we are hesitant about rushing back into one. It seems pretty set in stone that we will end up back together though. This has been going on about 3 months.For a week we decided to just try and be "properly" single, and we both slept with other people, which upset us both.I'm going to sound hypocritical, but when I sleep with other people, I don't feel bad about it. I mean I don't like that i've hurt him, but I don't feel guilty. I just feel quite numb towards it, sex is just sex. I have no feelings towards anyone but him.Just to clarify, the only time I've slept with anyone else is that week we were apart, and then it happened again a few days ago. I mean I was drunk, but I knew what I was doing. I wanted to do it. It's not exactly a big deal, because we are both single, but we just don't sleep with other people because we have each other.But I do really love my ex. But my query is, if I do love him then why do I feel so unconcerned when I sleep with someone else? Why do I even want to?I don't feel like I can justify my actions with how i'm feeling. It's like two completely different compartments in my mind. Sex with other people is just a casual thing (I know that's awful to say but it just seems to be how society is these days.)I'm not sure whether to end things with my ex, and just be single. We've tried doing that before but always end up back together in less than 24 hours. I know from what I've said it's hard to believe but I really really do love him with all my heart. Please advise me on what to do here...
View related questions:
drunk, I love you, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (20 December 2013):
It cannot be real love you feel for this bloke otherwise you would not sleep around with other men,you wouldn't want to.As Honeypie says "shit or get off the pot"
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): You are clinging to what's familiar and the sense of security. You say I love you out of force of habit. It's not the love you used to have.
You both suffer from jealous possessiveness.
You may love your ex-boyfriend; but no longer have a sense of monogamy. You say you're single; but you're hiding a lot of details about what's going on here.
The "friend's with benefits" connection has a story behind it. You're playing it down. It's more complicated. Someone is being used.
You didn't say why you broke up. You know that would give all the aunts too much information; and we would make a more solid assessment of the situation. You're purposely withholding vital details. I'm WiseOwlE for a reason.
You're avoiding judgement. It's very calculated.
You're not leaving the safety and security of his arms. You exploit his clinginess. On the other hand, you're keeping him on a leash.
You must let go, and allow the withdrawal and detachment process to begin; so you both can move on. It's a dance you've been doing for a long time.
No, it isn't set in stone that you're getting back together. It won't hold. You're developing more fuel for arguments and creating more of the insecurity that causes the instability in your relationship to start with.
You have differences neither of you know how to resolve. So you'll breakup again and again. It's a cycle. It will eventually break itself.
He just doesn't feel good about you having sex and moving on before he can. The thought of you with other guys doesn't sit well. He doesn't understand you. You're a puzzle even to yourself. Your post says so.
He allows your manipulation. It protects his ego. You're a scared little girl, who doesn't want to be left out in the world with no arms to run back to when things get too scary. You need a protector.
This relationship is symbiotic. Co-dependent. You're broke up, but in limbo. Avoiding the inevitable feelings of detachment, withdrawal, grief, sadness, and heartache.
You're shielding yourselves from breakup pain. Trying to avoid the responsibility as single and independent adults.
It's a truce.
Sex is all you have in common, but you use the convenient excuse you love each other, so you have someway to explain it in logical terms. It's illogical and dishonest.
Sounds more like you're just taking a break to get some sex on the side. You wanted an open relationship and somehow you've gotten your way.
It's all going to implode.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 December 2013):
 I agree 100% with You Wish
I don't really see a lot of "love" for each other in your submittal just mutual familiarity and usefulness.
IT IS way easier to go back to a familiar ex and have sex , cuddles and empty words then having to move on.
So to put it crudely yet effectively, shit or get off the pot.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): Lots of people would probably say its no big deal since you aren't together. They are wrong IMHO.You know this is a big deal because you are asking the question. You sense it. Your emotions don't change because of technical things like whether or not you have officially declared this to be a relationship or not. You feel like you are in one, you are acting like you are in one, and yet you no longer feel the need to be faithful to him. That scares you and it should. Sex and feelings have lost their connection in your mind. Being in a relationship and being faithful aren't forcibly linked in your mind anymore, it has somehow become open to negotiation. Every woman who has ever cheated on me had this attitude, and none of the faithful women ever did.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 December 2013):
 You should cut off contact with your ex. You don't have to feel bad for sleeping with others, because you are single. However, staying in contact with your ex, sleeping with him, and nursing feelings of love for him is unhealthy, and you're just using each other.
If you feel it's "set in stone" that you will re-enter a relationship, then why not just do it and make it official? Otherwise, it's just words and nothing is set in stone. You're either together or you're not. If you have hope to be a relationship one day, then stop sleeping with him right now, because that erodes your chances.
...............................
|
