A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My long distance boyfriend (we are in our late 40s) insists that he is fully committed to me, is exclusive and has plans for us to retire together In 10 years... He was married for a year when he was 19 then played the field as a partying bachelor. He talks about past girlfriends, says they want to date him, takes them out for drinks, stays social media friendly with many single women and exes... Then says I am " too jealous" if I mention that his discussion of them to me makes me feel uncomfortable and suggests that he is hanging out with other women. We live 6 hours apart and see each other for a great weekend monthly.... I don't want to feel uncomfortable or jealous and feel it's time to end our relationship because I feel taken advantage of and that he says my feelings are unjustified. At the same time, we have a strong and loving relationship that has lasted 4 years and we have travel plans this Fall... Are my feelings ridiculous? Should he talk to me about his "friendly" ways with past girlfriends that are still single? I'm feeling like he is not ready for a more mature style of relationship and I expect it at our age and stage in life. I was faithfully married for 16 years while he was playing the field.I'm tired of wondering what's really going on in his town and wanting something without the silly ex girlfriend games... My gut and those things we women notice when we talk to someone for hours everyday suggest he's playing games, telling half truths and is not available at times. Should I listen to my intuition or believe him??Ready to go??A. J.
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ex girlfriend, jealous, long distance Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 September 2014):
 I agree with all the other posters and I think too he is pulling the wool over your eyes.
Anyway, .. I don't even know if this is really the point. I mean, even admitting that his behaviour with these women he's hanging out with was totally aboveboard, or, even better, that he would give up spending time with them.... you won't move. He won't move. You have " talked " about marriage and living together... and everybody stays put. No compromise has been found, and there's no engagement yet . You have, at best , 10 years of monthly long distance visits !
Then, wirh all good will, is not meant to be, is it ?. The whole point of an LDR - one which wants to be a real relationship and not a comforting fantasy, is to become NOT an LDR within a reasonable time. One year, two years...
When that's absolutely impossible to happen... well,maybe we 'd better come to terms with the fact that can't always get what we want (:.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2014): Update to my question:To answer your question... We discussed moving in together and marriage... I have to stay where I am because of my kids and he has a business that he networks with locally and doesn't want to leave his paid for property. So we visit and meet up for weekend getaways monthly. We also spend hours talking, everyday- and have since we hit it off instantly 4 years ago. He goes on family trips and I've met, and visited with his family and close friends. He says I'm his only intimate woman and that everyone knows about me as his long time girlfriend- I am having a hard time saying goodbye to my best friend because I have a feeling in my gut that he is a bit too friendly with other women when he insists that he is not. I don't want him to feel I am limiting or restricting who he talks to, or creating drama-that is not the type of person I am or the type of relationship I seek.I've been torn about this for a year now... I do love him and his company but do not enjoy or want the long distance wonderings.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 September 2014):
 I never argue with a woman's intuition because it's always right,ergo find a new clown.
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (29 September 2014):
 You are far from ridiculous! If you two are exclusively committed and you have expressed that this behavior (which I think is shady and rude, at the very least) makes you uncomfortable yet he continues, then it is HIM who needs to reevaluate his decisions and feelings. He is stringing you along and toying with you. It sounds like he enjoys making you jealous and uncomfortable, which is sadistically cruel. Is that REALLY the type of man you'd like to commit to for the rest of your time? I'd say not. DUMP HIM!
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A
female
reader, moon river  +, writes (29 September 2014):
 You can totally do better than that. Trust your instinct! He sounds like he's stringing you along. Unless he can settle down your wasting your time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2014): I think he's being a dick and taking pleasure from hurting your feelings by telling you about other women. Trust me, he's a legend in his own mind. Blowing his own horn.
It is psychologically-abusive and sadistic to tell someone loving you from a distance about all the fun you're having in their absence with other people; when they can't do anything about it. He's trying to make you think his middle-aged male carcass is so much in high-demand. More likely it's his wallet! He's having a party, while you're aging like wine in the cellar.
You're reinforcing his bad behavior by placing far too much value on him, and your relationship with him. If that is what you can call it... a relationship??? You give him far too much of your loyalty and devotion than he earns or reciprocates. Don't tell us on one hand how great he is, then tell us how he mistreats you. I think the scale only tips to the negative-side, because you've run out of positives to put on it. A long time ago!
From the outside looking in, it appears he cancels out everything good or decent quality about him. You're so infatuated, you put up with his crap. Everything is 10 years off? You're giving him the best years of your life from six hours away; while he's living it up, and rubbing your nose in it. You're going on a vacation together? You need a vacation from him, if you ask me.
Seriously?!! What's wrong with this picture?
I'll tell you. It stinks and that's why you wrote a post; because you're feeling nauseous. It's sickening and you're starting to wake-up. I'm glad you've come here so some of the aunts and uncles can tell you that you're right on target.
This may sound cliche, but you can do better!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 September 2014):
 Trust your intuition..when that little voice tells you that something is wrong, it usually is. 10 years from now??? Seriously???? He expects you to just hang around like you are now for 10 years???No ring? No commitment?? No changes?? UH HUH.... Time to say goodbye.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 September 2014):
 This one is easy.
Go with your gut.
IF you have EXPRESSED more than once that you are not really comfortable listening to his "golden oldie days" and ex-gf's and he KEEPS YAMMERING on and on about them and keep them ALL in his life, he ISN't going to change. Not even IF you two because more serious than this LRD.
You have dated 4 years and nothing have been discussed about moving close to each other ? Or meeting halfways? Living together? Nothing? I mean he wants to "retire" with you in 10 years... so this LDR should (according to him) be sufficient for you for the next 10 years?
And then If you retire with him, what then? You have to LIVe with this guy who is busy cultivating "friendships" with a lot of other female, many who has a sexual past with him? and you should just be happy about that?
Figure out if what you have right now is satisfying for you. Do YOU want to wait 10 more years of this to BE with him?
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