A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 24 years old. As a child and teen, I experienced sexual abuse growing up in Saudi Arabia. My mother is full Saudi and my father is an American military man. I was born in the U.S. and am an american citizen, but moved to Saudi when I was one and lived there until I was 18. When I turned 18, my mother, brother and I moved back to the U.S. All of my abuse occurred in Saudi. Since then, in the U.S., I started sleeping with lots of men, knowing they were just using me for sex. But I did it anyway because that's what I felt my body was for - for pleasuring men. I was always reiforced this concept verbally and physically. So I lived it out. I never enjoyed the sex. I just did it because I felt it was what I was supposed to do. I have had relationships with men, not just sexual in nature. My longest was 9 months and he was my best friend. We were close for a while before we started dating. I did care for him but the sex was always less than satisfying. Once again, I just did it because I felt I was supposed to please him. He wasn't selfish or forced me or anything. But I just sucked it up to try to make him happy. I never got off. It just always felt a bit off.two years ago, I met a woman who I instantly connected with. I had never had a relationship with a woman before but this just felt right. I knew I wasn't in a place for a relationship because I was in therapy and had so much to work on and work through and had no business in a relationship. But I couldn't help myself. I pursued it and fell deeply in love. When we first slept together, I actually cried afterwards because it was the first time in my life that sex felt pleasurable for me and it felt right. As time went on, and it became more serious, I started to really question my sexuality. I had never done this before - I always was the type of person who just loved who she loved. But for some reason, I started to question myself. Was I with women because I was so damaged and hurt by men? Was being with men too uncomfortable and women just felt safer? Was I really straight and just confused because of my experiences? I wound up breaking things off because it came down to actually getting engaged. We got to the point of wanting to get married. And I was terrified to tell my mother (all my friends, brother and father knew), because I just knew she would disown me and tell all of my extended family in Saudi and they would also disown me. I started to question my relationship because if I was going to lose my family for it, I wanted to make sure it was real. Looking back, I recognize that I did have feelings for my old best friend in Saudi growing up. Her and I were so close. I didn't realize at the time that what I was feeling was attraction. I realize it now. I also remember telling my then boyfriend at the time when I first moved to the U.S. that I thought I might be gay. He just laughed and told me there was no way I was gay. But this is what I was telling my boyfriend! Then when I met my ex (the woman I dated), something in me just clicked. It was an immediate attraction and I couldn't help but pursue her. It was just there. But now I'm left wondering - is it the abuse that has caused my attraction? Abuse can make you weary of men and very hesitant, but it certainly can't make you desire the same sex if you didn't already have a predisposition to that, could it? How could it make me fall in love with a woman? Being abused by a woman if I were a man certainly wouldn't make me suddenly attracted to men if I wasn't already attracted to them, could it? I guess I just am struggling so much. I'm afraid to lose my family but I also fear I've just lost the potential love of my life by pushing her away. I'm so confused. Anyone have any insight into this? My feelings for my ex weren't just a little crush. I loved her with my whole heart and felt I could have married her. But I don't know what to think anymore. I'm so confused. Did I really screw up? I miss her so unbelievably much.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (30 September 2014):
Maybe you'll also like this article on bisexuality. It's about women who are bisexual and currently have a relationship with men. It may sound off topic for you, because you are with a woman, but these ladies might reassure you that those feelings for other women won't just disappear once they found the "right guy" and that our love for women is not just a stupid phase, or a surrogate.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyford/32-bisexual-women-discuss-their-longterm-relationships-with#3gzwue3
A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (30 September 2014):
Dear OP,
I'm a bisexual woman and I am quite sure that no, it's not the abuse that caused the attraction. You are maybe bisexual, or even lesbian. Maybe it was easier for you to find a girlfriend than a boyfriend that you can trust, but you couldn't have developed any feelings, if you didn't have this possibility already inside yourself.
I've also had some bad experiences with men, and therefore I found it easier to have a relationship with a woman. But my feelings for her were true and the love was true and beautiful and I don't regret any second of it! I was not traumatized or escaping something. I chose what was good for me. It's amazing how much trust and tenderness there can be between two ladies.. and it's so hard to build the same amount of these feelings with a man. At least, for me. So, being with a woman was a beautiful gift for me and it showed me that sex can be pleasure and relationships can be full of understanding and trust.
Today, my wounds for men have healed and currently I love a man. He's the first one I truly love, the total exception, 1 in a million I guess, that I can desire and trust.
But I still feel genuine attraction for women as well and I know that if I were not as happy with my man as I am now, I could easily fall for a woman again. I would never say that to love a man is in any way superior or more satisfying to loving a woman. It's just different. There are different beautiful and also different problematic things. In the end, I would say that I am at a point, where I fall for the person. And I can love someone with a male or a female body.
Okay, that's just my opinion. I think that society tells us, many times, that when women love women, it's not the "real thing", just a second-class option that we take because of trauma. I've also heard that bullshit many times when I was with my ex. I've been asked over and over again if I was abused. I believe our society is fixated on the idea that women depend on men, genuinely need a man to survive, and if we question that, we are made to look like we are sick. It's propaganda for a heterosexual lifestyle and it doesn't do justice to us, our feelings, our effort and hopes and dreams. There might be some psychologist who pathologize your feelings, for sure. Because even psychologists are people and what they tell their patients depends on their own view of the world.
Heterosexual people never have to justify why they like this person instead of that person, they never have to answer "do you prefer blondes because you were traumatized by a dark haired person?", they never have to explain anything about their taste or their choices. So, they may be more sure of themselves, just because there is not so much pressure on them and not so much suspicion of pathology.
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A
female
reader, moon river  +, writes (30 September 2014):
 I guess it depends what you see sexuality as. I personally don't think it's fixed I think it can change depending on the people we meet. For me sexuality is more fluid, I would say a lot of bisexual people I know know feel the same
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 September 2014):
 Could it be?
I think it can. I think women makes you feel safe and loved, where as men have failed you in that department. But it might have been part of who you are already, something you didn't pay attention to, because you were in a self-destruct mode (sex with many guy who really meant nothing to you).
Like WiseOwlE so wisely said, you connect men with abuse, when it comes to sex. He knows a lot more on this subject then I do.
Talk to your therapist.
I'm mostly inclined to say, that people don't TURN gay or straight - it's not a choice. BUT I do think people who have been abused are of a different mind. Women don't make you connect or remember the abuse. Safe haven.
And can I just say I'm sorry you went through abuse. In my eyes it's the worst crime of mankind to abuse children.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2014): I'm not sure if you are gay or not or bisexual. Or if the abuse caused some of it, but it sounds like you were already attracted to women(your friend) before the abuse? I don't think it is uncommon for people to be attracted to both sexes, even for people who know they are one or the other. I feel attracted to women but I have never acted on it, it doesn't really feel like a sexual attraction primarily for me so maybe that is why? I also think I would feel uncomfortable with it. However there are few men I'm really attracted to so sometimes I wonder about it. I do believe I like men primarily for a sexual attraction.It seems you were very happy with your first gf in every way so if it is a possibility I would think about getting back together and opening up to your mother about your feelings if you feel able to. Hopefully she will accept it eventually, you're her daughter and I'm sure she doesn't want to lose you. As for your gf, you miss her a great deal and life is short so don't waste time.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 September 2014):
 I read your post three times, and I felt moved by your story. Normally, when people write on here asking for advice as to their sexuality, my thoughts are to help them discover that answer for themselves. If there's one thing I have learned on DearCupid, there are exceptions to everything.
You may be one of those exceptions. Even in giving this advice, I must give you the disclaimer that it's only my opinion, based on online information, but I feel strongly about it.
I think you have always been gay. I think that the abuse you endured didn't cause your attraction, but just the opposite. I think your abuse caused your confusion, and caused you to try to deny your same sex attraction. Your abuse tried to reprogram you, and the woman who you fell in love with gave you a glimpse at your full and complete self. That's why you cried at your first taste of true intimacy. You finally felt whole.
Think about it. You denied your nature because of fear of disowning. You denied your awakening because it's not accepted in your family's culture. But..what do you gain?
You need to be yourself. With this woman, you *were* yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2014): Continue with your therapy. You need to be asking a trained professional these questions; since there is sexual-abuse in your past.
Sexual abuse may, or may not, attribute to your sexual orientation. It may only be coincidental that you were always gay; but your first encounters and experience with sexuality were with men. It was forced on you. You were not given a choice.
It only stands to reason being female you'd be introduced to sex through men first. You can only associate sexual-abuse with men; because you've never fallen in-love with a man. You were totally submissive and just going through the motions; because to deal with the abuse you had to totally shut-down emotionally. Then you were of the mindset it was expected of you. Totally detached from the act but giving into it.
You were never really given a chance to heal from the abuse and to allow you to develop a healthy attitude toward sex. Your head just wasn't right for it. You were probably way too young when you first had an experience; which must have been very frightening and made you feel violated. If there was no love involved, you couldn't make a connection between emotion and the physical act of sex. Quite common among people losing their virginity too young.
You were never given a chance to associate/combine the pleasurable and emotional aspect of sex; until you were mentally mature enough to process it. You met this woman as an adult, and you were able to connect on an emotional-level both before and after sex. Men were strictly physical and didn't give a damn about your feelings or your age. Even a laymen like myself could understand how you never enjoyed sex with men.
My first sexual experiences were totally voluntary and with girls and women. I enjoyed the sex, but couldn't mentally connect. I found men attractive very early on. I can think as far back as maybe 10. I just didn't act on my attraction until I met my partner who was first only a friend when we met as teenagers. We fooled around as teens; but I played it off as just experimentation. I thought I liked girls. So did he. We both had girlfriends through college. Yet we were friends.
When I finally had real sex, it was with a much older guy. Then I knew. It felt right to me. Later my friend and I came out to each other, and we fell in-love. Although I have never been sexually-abused; I had to come to terms with feelings that were always there. I didn't make a choice, or just decide one day. It was my true nature.
I'm not defined by it, but it is a part of me.
I was just too young to comprehend those feelings or to act on them. I had to deal with these feeling in my adolescence. I suppressed my homosexual urges until my friend and I realized our friendship was more. It had always been love. It included sexual-attraction; although we are both guys. My religious up-bringing kept me in conflict with my sexual-orientation.
I think it was good that you ended your relationship with the woman until you can sort out a few things haunting you from the past. She taught you how to connect your feelings and desires. She was kind to you. Loving.
You can't accept who you are, until you know who you are. You have to let therapy help you to cope with the inner-demons first; so they don't comeback and turn every relationship into a bout with sexual-frustration and a resurgence of your post traumatic stress from sexual-abuse.
You know what feels right and what doesn't, you don't need a therapist to figure that out for you. Handling a relationship may take some help. You can not be in a state of confusion or angst about your sexuality when someone has given you their heart. If you're not sure, don't rush into anything.
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