A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So this guy i'm seeing we were getting really close and things were intense, I wanted to go the whole way but I stopped him and said I can't i'm still a virgin, but told him I want to, just not yet.I'm ready, i'm just not sure yet if I want to with him since I have waited a long time, much much longer than most I want to be sure! I'm 20 and the reaction was shocking, almost insulting. He leant back and said 'no you're not' and then carried on kissing me But then I leant back and said 'i'm serious, I am why don't you believe me'. And his defence was 'but you're 20, that's old for a virgin most people have already slept with at least a few by then' and i said that I just met a lot of jerks who I learnt the hard way was after just sex which is why i haven't. And he just repeated, but you're 20 that's so old to be a virgin! And that he would feel embarrassed if he still was at my age... But I'm not and i'm only 20, not freaking 30! He's 22 and only slept with 3 people, I didn't say anything...It just killed the mood after and changed how I feel about him. I didn't expect that reaction, it's now made me feel pathetic that I still am and I just feel like I should get rid of it just so I can not be anymore. I thought he would be surprised sure, but whether he knows it even though I pointed it out, it's really insulting and lowered my confidence so much saying i'm old to be one and basically saying I shouldn't tell anyone. Is he right? I figure, if this is the reaction I get from him what will other guys be like... He has no idea how shitty he has made me feel! Honestly guys, would you have reacted that way, or be put off if a girl who was 20 was still a virgin.... would you think she's pathetic, or what would you think? Honesty please I can't feel more insulted than I already do
View related questions:
confidence, kissing, still a virgin Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2012): i personnaly wouldnt go out with a virgin as i find that they tend to be clingy and inexperienced.
but in your case the guy was just being a dick, he got hurt, felt that it was just an excuse to not have sex with him, so he decided to hurt you DONT GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION.
so even though i may not go out with virgins i still respect them way more than the girls i sleep with.
hope you meet the right person
peace
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (25 September 2012):
This guy is a Tool, with a capital T. His true intentions are clear and they are not good. Dump him and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (24 September 2012):
 Ugh please dump him. I've never heard such an insulting reaction. What I feel it really was, was a man that wanted to have sex, you didn't, so he proceeded to insult you and guilt you in hopes that you would come around. Like you would think "oh I am too old to be a virgin? I better fix that now with you!"
There's nothing wrong with being a virgin at 20. It's a good thing. Sleeping around is not a good quality. Most men want a girl who waits until it means something rather than sleeping with anything. Men who want something more than sex...
Who says you should have 3 partners by the age of 20..? That's far too many in my opinion. Sex should be when both are in a serious relationship, not with just anyone for the sake of having sex. Not many people have had 3 serious relationships by the age of 20. Don't feel down on yourself. Your boyfriend is an asshole and as everyone else said he showed his true colors. He wants sex and cares very little about your feelings. Find a man that treats you right and doesn't insult you and make you feel badly about yourself. If you end up having your first time with this insensitive jerk it will be a mistake. Your first should be loving, caring and understanding. Also someone you are serious enough with that you would've already been together for awhile and had the virginity discussion long before sex actually started.
...............................
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (24 September 2012):
20 is NOT too old to be a virgin!!!
I won't repeat what others have already told you but I will add one more observation:
You are a 20 year old virgin because you have chosen to be so (good for you!) and sex is not something you take lightly. His reaction shows that he places MUCH LESS value and significance on sex than you do. You were considering giving him something you valued highly - his reaction indicates that he's looking for a vagina to masturbate into because it feels nice. If he puts such a low value on your gift it is a safe bet that he'll be looking to couple up with anything that wears a skirt and has a hole in the middle AFTER receiving your gift.
While I agree it would be poor timing to spring this on the guy in the middle of making out, I suspect that the general topic has come up between you two before. If you intend to go forward with this guy - and I wouldn't advise that - you two need to have a discussion, in broad daylight, fully clothed, about what sex means to each of you. It's obvious to me that there is a large difference, but there is a razor-slim chance that he might come to understand, respect, and abide by your position. I wouldn't bet on it, though.
My wife and I were both 23 when we had the experience, both emotionally and physically intense, of first-time sex between two virgins on their wedding night. For most people, first-time sex is not especially satisfying from a physiological perspective. (Ours wasn't.) It CAN be extremely significant and meaningful from an emotional perspective. (Ours was.) If this guys becomes your first sex partner I suspect you'll have a somewhat disappointing sexual encounter, followed very shortly by an emotionally scarred and broken heart.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 September 2012):
 I wasn't implying you'd be one of those people, by the way. Just pointing out that giving up one's virginity doesn't give them happiness or their lives meaning.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (24 September 2012):
I have friends who were well into their 20's, and 30's when they lost their virginity and it was never as issue. They led fulfilling, active, interesting lives, had many friends and were happy. In all the years I knew them I only learned of their sexual status once in passing. It never came up again. It really wasn't a big deal. There is nothing wrong with remaining a virgin all your life, let alone being one at 20. Think of all those people on welfare, who have umpteen kids by umpteen different men. Losing their virginity didn't pan out so well for them (or us), did it?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 September 2012):
 I think he made it clear to you that HE's a jerk... and I can't imagine WHY you'd spend any more time with him, beyond that required to show him the door.....
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (23 September 2012):
I was a virgin till 22 but the guy I ended up losing it to made me feel like a rare precious diamond rather than the freak yours is making you out to be. Like everyone else said; he's shown his true colors: he's not in it for you, he's in it for the sex. And I guess you felt things were moving too fast which is why you stopped him. Good call. Just next time, let the guy know ahead of time. It's only fair.
But dump him, he's worthless to you. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin at 20. I'm glad I waited that long. When I look back to my first time, I don't feel shame or regret like so many other people do. I can honestly say I loved the guy I lost it to and he loved me. He had experience, but he made me feel special and he was honored he was going to be my first.
There are more guys like that out there, who will appreciate you for who you are. And trust me, in a world where lots of girls your age give it away almost for free and have tons of STD's, that's a gift. Your idiot bf just doesn't see it because he's not looking for someone special. But yeah, next time, be more upfront about it. It's nothing to be ashamed of!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2012): I'm 19 and still a virgin. I was terrified to tell my boyfriend but when i did he was really good about it and is now really focussed on making our first time special. You deserve better. You should save it for someone who will treat you special, not make you feel bad. You have to respect yourself. Being a virgin is totally fine, sweetie.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 September 2012):
 Okay, there are TWO things you should learn from this, and the first one was pretty much covered by the other aunts, and the second one was missed except by Honeypie:
1. He's not good material. Being a jerk and pretty much saying that you should be embarrassed to be a virgin at 20 means you should drop him like a bad habit. He's after one thing, and he's not right for you
AND
2. You should never wait until you're going hot and heavy before telling a guy that you're a virgin, because that's pretty cruel. He was being a jerk because you got him hot and heavy and then yanked it from him. He was letting his penis do the talking. The lesson here is to TELL a guy before the windows start steaming!
Don't tease a guy!!! Tell him when the lights are ON and you're not horizontal! But even still, this guy isn't for you if he starts a tantrum like a two year old when he finds out you're not going to give him some easy sex.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 September 2012):
Now you know the truth about him - he's not really interested in you at all, and is more interested in getting into your pants, regardless of how you feel. He doesn't seem to have any real respect for you at all.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (23 September 2012):
 Oh that's REAL nice- my favorite pick up line to get ME in the mood is to GUILT AND SHAME me into sleeping with someone! I think he just said that stuff just to make you feel bad and 'prove' that you could "do it." I do have to say though that my view is 20 is a little on the older side-for GUYS. And maybe he's using those standards. In any case it's better to find out now that he's a trashball before than after sex.
Do NOT just lose your virginity to get it over with, or to not have the status anymore. This is a HUGE generalization, and partially based on my own experiences, but first times are weird. Even anti-climatic. At the end you may say, well I'm not a virgin anymore, what was THAT hype about? Without your own assurance that this was the right time, it's easy to feel vulnerable, like maybe you shouldn't have smashed a piggy bank when there were only 2 quarters worth of a guy in there. Make it WORTH doing, and it will FEEL worth doing when you find the right guy who will make you comfortable, who can make you smile, and who is willing to celebrate you and him and is not there to make you feel like the star of a freak show, because you're not a freak. You're completely normal;find someone that makes you feel not only like you're normal but that you're extraordinary.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (23 September 2012):
 The one thing you found out is that your guy is a jerk and probably not someone you want to have sex with after all. He is insulting and at the very least RUDE. I would ditch him and look for someone else.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2012): Not at all, there's nothing to be embarrassed or feel pathetic about. Its a very sensible thing that you value yourself that much to not want to lose it to just anyone, because once its gone you can't get it back, and you don't want to end up regretting who you lost it to.
My advice to you would be, DON'T give in and just lose it to try and shake off the way he's made you feel, because if YOU'RE not ready to lose it then you WILL end up regretting it, and you probably won't even enjoy it psychologically knowing you're doing it for the wrong reason.
If a guy is right for you, then he would understand you're decision and NOT make you feel bad about it. If he doesn't believe you, or is disappointed in you, then it just goes to show how little he really thinks of your feelings.
I certainly would not be disappointed if I discovered my girlfriend was a virgin at 20, I actually would be pleased and proud of her, because it goes to show she's not the kind of girl to just easily hop into bed with just anybody.
Don't feel bad about this, he's the one with the problem, not you. I'd just as soon get rid of him for being so insensitive about the situation, than be thinking about losing it to a guy who doesn't deserve it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 September 2012):
 I can't see why being 20 or even 25 and a virgin makes you pathetic.
Staying a virgin for MANY girls (particular) is a choice. Some wait for the right guy, some for marriage, some for religious reasons and others for whatever reason they want.
20 is not "too old" to be a virgin. I don't really think there is an expiration date on that.
Seems to me that this is is 1. not very respectful 2. thinks you are lying to play hard to get 3. he doesn't understand WHY anyone would CHOOSE to be a virgin at 20. All 3 things would indicate that he and you perhaps do not think alike at all?
However, may I suggest that you don't spring this on a guy whilst hot and heavy making out?
...............................
|
