A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:A question for the straight guys:If your girlfriend/wife gave you the ultimatum to choose between her and porn, which would you choose?Regardless of her reason, would you choose her if you knew that you would never be allowed to look at porn as long as you were with her?Why? or Why not? Please be specific if you don't mind. I'd really like to know what would make a man choose his wife/girlfriend and what would make a man choose porn.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): I don't understand how asking your man, or even telling your man, to not watch porn while he's in a relationship with you is considered "controlling". Is he not expected to try his best not to hurt her? And if his porn watching hurts her, shouldn't she be allowed to say "don't do it" without being a controlling person?It's not a matter of control when you're asking (or telling) the person that (supposedly) loves you to not do something that hurts you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): I gave my BF the ultimatum and he chose me.As much as I hate feeling like I "made" him do something for me, it was the only way I could continue in the relationship. As much as I love him, I could never go on in an intimate relationship with someone that uses porn. I was willing to let him walk away--he chose to stay. I am eternally grateful that he stayed.He does not seem to regret his decision. We are getting along just as well as we always have and he doesn't seem edgy or upset at all. Even though we have conflicting work schedules and don't have as much time to make love as we used to, he's still treating me with love and kindness.I wish I was one of those women that didn't mind, but I'm not. I was completely torn apart by finding out he was looking at porn. I almost just ended the relationship right then and there. But I love him very, very much and he asked for a second chance. I have not regretted giving him a second chance. He is the love of my life.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): Catch 22: Girl is, of course, preferable in every way to porn. UNLESS she is controlling, one symptom of which is refusing to let you watch porn. In that case, single is best and porn will be there for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): Definitely my girl. This explanation will be vulgar, but it's the truth. If I had the choice between touching myself or having my partner do it for me, I would choose the latter. There is nothing like actually partaking in sexual intercourse. As for asking which to choose. I think it is ludicrous, it would be like asking an average girl, to choose between make up or shopping.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): I can't see that an ultimatum is working for you for this issue. I'm assuming this has been going on for a while, and that offering the ultimatum is a sign of desperation, that you have tried everything else and failed.
If he says "porn", then just by asking the question rather than tossing him out it's plain that his answer isn't what you want.
If he says "girl", then how are you going to make that choice stick? What stops him being back watching porn within the month and the issue looping back to the ultimatum step.
You need agreement and a strategy. Agreement from him that porn hurts you deeply, that he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you, and so porn watching stops.
For a strategy you need to know what you really want. Is the issue that he watches porn alone rather than including you? Is it that in seeking sexual satisfaction looking at other women you are insulted, even betrayed? Would you be happier at an hour a week, or does it have to be zero?
For a strategy you need to know what motivates him. Discuss, honestly and without judgement. Is it ease of masturbation (and perhaps it is simply that masturbation isn't welcomed in your bed, thus driving him elsewhere)? Is it that sex with a girl is much more complicated then the simple emotion of porn? Is it the rather worrying power/dominance of men over women of porn (eg, do you see signs of this in your sex life, such as him coming on you rather than in you)? Is it to satisfy some fetish (and if so, are you wishing to incorporate that fetish in your sex life)? Is it a wish for intimacy (not necessarily sex, but simple time spent with you in a non-formal place)? Is is something non-sexual, such as lack of motivation in general, the sort of thing where a generation ago people would have watched old Western movies at 2am? Is it a sign of a more general depression? You probably want to ask what sort of porn he likes at the moment, to get an idea of his motivation.
A strategy needs to be practical. Just saying "I won't do it anymore" is a promise, not a behaviour modification strategy. A practical step would be for him to go to bed before you. Or to not use the computer (even removing the power cord if he feels that would be effective to help him comply).
Not all measures need to be negative, one woman I know solved her porn issue simply with the motivation of fondling her man's privates to completion each evening if he was in bed as she went to bed.
You may not even need to "solve" the problem. Maybe diversion is sufficient, if he is out cycling the streets/fixing the car/at the gym/etc at 2am then are you going to be upset?
Porn is a complex thing, emotionally. Some emotional need is being fulfilled. With any luck that might be something simple, such as a desire for ejaculation, or for intimacy, or for time by oneself at the end of the day. You might need to play around with a lot of solutions, and when you find the one which works then go ah ha, so that means the real issue was...
Of course, if he doesn't agree with the premise -- that porn hurts you and has to stop, then obviously he has to leave.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 August 2011):
 anyone who makes someone makes a decision ME OR THEM, ME OR IT.. ME OR... WHATEVER should lose.
they are two different things... I would never ask my guy to give up his occasional porn
if he did it to the exclusion of our relationship and he would rather watch porn and jerk off than love on me, I'd get a new man... you can't make someone change.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): I'd choose my wife in an instant. Porn is just something I turn to because my wife doesn't want sex nearly as often as I do. Porn is like eating old leftovers because your starving and there isn't anything else to eat in the house.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 August 2011):
 I'm not a guy, but I know quite a lot about this subject. Simple answer, it's not that simple. Porn is addictive, and even to people who aren't addicted in the sense of being unable to get aroused by live people, it sounds like there's a bit of that going on for a lot of men (and some women). I'd liken it to say, a more intense coffee addiction. It's part of your daily routine and makes you temporarily uncomfortable to stop, and you probably don't understand why or how it could hurt your partner.
I've always been of the view that asking a partner not to use porn is less controlling than asking them to never be sexual with anyone else for the rest of their lives. So while ultimatums are not usually a good thing, would anyone object to an ultimatum like, you stop sleeping with other women or we're through? So why is that different from the ultimatum, stop looking at porn or we're through? Yes a problem with porn use partially stems from insecurity, but so does a desire for monogamy. Everyone feels insecure about some things, that does not invalidate their feelings.
Unfortunately in these instances, often when women try to express how much it hurts, it seems to be like talking to a brick wall. I always recommend the book The Porn Trap to couples dealing with this. You're supposed to read it through together (or apart and then discuss it). It's very helpful for both parties I think.
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male
reader, GRIFF TANNEN +, writes (21 August 2011):
 Most definitely porn!
Why the question? But more importantly, why must there be a choice???
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): Reasons I like my girlfriend more
1) She is real. I can touch her, I can feel good, make her feel good, feel confident, make her orgasm. I like giving more than receiving.
2) Girls in porn have been stretched by abnormally sized man sticks. That's not cool. My girlfriend is galaxies tighter than I expected, because I was dumb and thought all girls have stuff like pornstars. This made sex so much better to be honest.
3) She is more than a tool. Girls in porn are unfortunately just sex objects. After sex I can cuddle her, kiss her, worship her body, tell her how sexy I think she is. I can't do that with the pornstar can I? No. All I do is turn the monitor off. Clean up and leave. No intimacy sucks.
4) While some guys hate toys, ( I do) some girls hate porn. It's fair and everyone has a right to do whatever they want sexually or to not do what they don't want to do. Good sex is subjective. My deal with my girlfriend is, no toys and no porn. It's all about compromise. But we still blow each other's brains out with what we do.
5) Here's my take: If you really do not like your other watching porn. Make him stop. Not by shutting his computer off, or his videos. But by stopping him in his tracks, and jumping on him and attacking him sexually. Don't even let him think. Sometimes love making is fine, but if you want to prove you are better, just f*** him. I promise you, he'll never watch again. He'll ask for you A LOT THOUGH. Maybe too much then (; Give to him and then tell him, that's a lot better than sitting and doing it yourself isn't it? He'll burn his DVD's within an hour.
Have fun !
5)
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (21 August 2011):
If my wife were ready, willing and able there's no way I would go look for some porn instead. If she were prepared to work together with me so that our sex life was mutually satisfactory, I'd happily forget porn exists.But of course it's not always like that, is it. The tone of the question is more like, "will you surrender your sexuality to your woman for the duration of the relationship". If he's going to be asked to do that, where's the pledge on the wife's part not to withdraw sexually, not to leave him hanging for weeks or months at a time. Surely those are two sides of the same coin.I've seen posts here where young girls in relatively new relationships complain that their guys prefer porn. To me that's incomprehensible, the guys should have their heads examined, and the girls should move on promtly and find a proper guy.I've also seen posts here from people in sexless marriages, where the guy turns to porn because his wife hasn't been interested for a very long time. Totally different, IMHO.
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (21 August 2011):
 If I was pleasing my wife sexually or my girlfriend sexually to their content and beyond, and I still watched porn, I would choose porn, because it represents something. When a woman or man puts an ultimatum out there that irrationally makes you choose them over something like porn, in the above situation, they are making you make that choice so they don't have to face their insecurity. The relationship is already worthless when it is like that.Might as well end it ;)Now, would I choose between my wife or porn if my wife were in front of me? I would choose my wife every single time, because ultimately , porn is there for when you don't have it or can't get it. If you replace your wife with porn, then you have an issue and that is when it does not become irrational on her part, but irrational on yours. If a husband or bf would rather watch porn than fuck his wife or gf, I would tell her to leave her husband or bf.
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (21 August 2011):
I would choose my wife for sure. I already have.
I gave up porn a long time ago, but not for the moralizing reasons some people have.
Its basically this: why do porn if you have your imagination?
Now, if any guy ever feels guilty about any of his fantasies, he can do this little trick which has worked wonders for my fantasy life as well as my conscience. It may be the key that opens up life, the universe and everything for a guy, and I have been waiting to share it on this forum:
If you MUST fantasize, then fantasize having sex with your wife or girlfriend, when she was a teenager!
Mind you, this applies to older couples that may have lost their attractiveness.
Oh, and during the fantasy, if you are feeling guilty about seducing a minor, just imagine that you are a teenager again too.
Sometimes halfway through the fantasy, she turns Japanese for a few minutes!! LOL.
That about sums it up. There is simply little or no use for porn.
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