A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok I love my girlfriend very much but her past haunts me everyday.I know of 6 of her past encounters.She has told me about all of them.One she had slept with the lead singer of a band.Another she told me recently that she had gotten so high she got taken advantage of. Another she had told me she did because the guy kept bugging her about it so she just did it. Another she had given head to the guy and might have slept with him and she told me she swallowed. I think she said she did that one was because he was letting her stay at his house because she got kicked out of hers. One was my best friend. Another was a past serious relationship.Is it wrong for me to be bothered by all of this.I just feel like if Im not special to her. I feel like if im just another guy she has slept with. Because I waited for her for a reason.I had had plenty of operatunities to have sex but I never did.I just wonder everyday why she would do all of this.It makes me feel like to her sex was just a casual thing that didnt matter so I dont feel significant in this relationship.This bothers me everyday and im hopping someone can help me out. =(
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI ended the relationship.
She lied about an incident about how many people she has been with.
I broke down and its over with now...
I just wish her luck and I hope she finds someone that will love her as much as I do...
I will always love her...
Goodbye and thanks everyone..
A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (29 September 2009):
 Brian,
Read my post again man, I called it. Welcome to the wonderful world of love. And, hey, there are going to be times that her past is going to bug you, when it does, have those words she said written down and read them again to remind you what you should be focusing on.
Congratulations
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionConversation we had that opened my eyes..
Me: I just dont know how to overcome these feelings of jealousy of everyone before me =(
Her: I know i was like that when you told me that you did shit with girls it bothered me but i learned that i love you and im with you now and no one else can have u
But me and that no matter how much we fight we still have each other and we are the best of friends and loves and your my world and i love who you are and every
Thing about yu! your completly gorgeous your my prince charming and i wanna spend the rest of my life with you
Me: But its different for me. Harder for me. You were my first and my only. I dont know how to deal with this
Its just to hard knowing that other guys have been there befor me when I know that im the one for you..
Her: I know but threw time it will heal brian i know it will you have to have faith it will. You are the one for me your my first love and i have never made love before and you were the first boy i shared that with you are special and i mean it. I never knew wat love was till i met you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow that I really think about it Ive realized that ive jealous of her first. Im jealous of all the people before me that were with her.
I just wish that I would have been her first. She was my first and I will always love her no matter what...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009):
You say you saved yourself & didn't have worthless sex, but she didn't.
This is the core of it. Everything else does not add up to half the importance of this.
This is not really an insecurity on your part but rather a difference of incompatibility. She has different values than you do. That's a problem and it's not gonna change.
Even if she changed her values since she did the things you don't like, you will (both) still live with the consequences of her old values either way. If she had gotten HIV from one of those choices, the HIV virus wouldn't just magically go away as soon as she decides not to take those risks anymore in the future.
Some people say it's all about insecurity because that shifts the blame off her onto you. It's easier for them to want to blame the person in your position when they identify more with her position. Sorry about that. Unfortunately that's what happens when your choices are in the minority. A lot of times you will suffer for it even when your way is better in the long run.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"MAJOR red flag dude. She sucked him off because he let her stay at his house? That screams extreme self-esteem issues and/or a major morality deficiency. I'd be much more concerned about that than I would be about her total number of sexual encounters"|||So what can I do about this one.?I think it bothers me the most actually
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): As Snoopy99 pointed out, your girl's history is largely irrelevant to your current relationship with her, so long as it actually stays in the past. And to be honest, six actually isn't that bad a number (assuming that's her total).However, one thing you mentioned stuck out like a sore thumb:"I think she said she did that one was because he was letting her stay at his house because she got kicked out of hers."MAJOR red flag dude. She sucked him off because he let her stay at his house? That screams extreme self-esteem issues and/or a major morality deficiency. I'd be much more concerned about that than I would be about her total number of sexual encounters.
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female
reader, krista  +, writes (24 September 2009):
She was honest enough to tell you about her past that shows something. And the fact that she trust you to tell you all this stuff is a good thing also. The Past is excatly that THE PAST. To have a healthy relationship just think about the fact that you are with her now, if you really like her that should be the only thing that matters.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): Whether it is right or wrong is not what is important. What is important is that it bothers you and how are you going to get past it. This question has been asked many times here, including me asking the same thing when I came on to this board 2 years ago.
In my case, my wife slept with guys she had just met at a bar that night and slept with everyone on the first date. I was the first guy who didn't try to get her into bed on the first date. Yes, it does make you wonder if you are just another screw for her. For us, we were both in our early 30s when she was acting like that. It was after she left her first husband and had a 2 year promiscuous phase.
This has been discussed many times here and here is one of the best discussions ever done on this subject.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
Here is a recent article that this was discussed.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/male-vs-female-a-debate-on-the-male.html
In my first link, I also linked to 2 articles that I had written. Here was a more recent question on this subject.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-her-promicuous-past-including.html
I hope that some of this helps you with your feelings. Yos gives some good advice on how to keep it out of your mind in that first link.
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A
male
reader, Snoopy99  +, writes (24 September 2009):
OK, there's 2 sides to this. On the one hand, this girl's sexual past is IRRELEVANT. It's none of your business. Sure, you obviously dig her, but, be honest with yourself - if she was a virgin, and you'd had six sexual encounters, would YOU appreciate it if she stewed about the fact 24/7? If you're going to judge people by their pasts, how will you get anywhere? Unless you specifically advertise for a virgin partner, most girls you meet will have had a sexual past before you. It doesn't mean you're 'not special'. It just "means you haven't met yet. So get all that BS out of your head.
The bad bit, though - and sorry if you don't want to hear this, but...
"One she had slept with the lead singer of a band."
Irrelevant. So what? Singers in bands have to use the toilet like the rest of us. Jim Morrison died a lonely, impotent, alcoholic, with no real friends or girlfriend to speak of.
"Another she told me recently that she had gotten so high she got taken advantage of."
Well, apart from the fact that 'guy' was the type of pathetic scumbag who has to get a girl comatose to work 'his mojo', I'm sure she regrets that hazy encounter more than you do...
"Another she had told me she did because the guy kept bugging her about it so she just did it."
OK, alarm bells ringing. So, rather than just tell him to get knotted, she happened to 'give in'? Is she a masochist or just insecure?
"Another she had given head to the guy and might have slept with him and she told me she swallowed."
WHY ON EARTH would she tell you this? Think about it.
"I think she said she did that one was because he was letting her stay at his house because she got kicked out of hers."
Yeah, sure. Whenever I help out my female friends, I always demand a BJ in return.Why did she get kicked out anyway?
"One was my best friend."
You do realise this is just sliding further downhill? I'm not making fun of you, I honestly do sympathise, but this sounds like a one-way ticket to Hellsville
"Another was a past serious relationship."
I doubt, on the strength of the above, this girl's capable of having a serious relationship with anything other than a mirror or a spliff. For now, anyway. I don't think your attitude's healthy, and I certainly don't think she's right for you. She sounds like a bit of an attention-seeking nutter, to be brutally honest.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): It's hard not to let someone's past get to you but i agree with everyone else, you have to put the past in the past and enjoy that she's with you now. I have a friend who acts very similar to her and has sex with random guys and it's all just a causal thing there are no feelings involved. But she has also had sex with guys that was full of emotion and feelings so just because your girlfriend had sex with these other guys and is having sex with you doesn't mean she doesn't take it serious with you. I think you should talk to her though and be honest about how you are feeling and tell her you're concerned that you're going to end up just another guy on her list and ask if the sex means anything to her if you're that concerned with it. I am guessing she did these things with these other guys either because she has low self esteem and she felt obligated or maybe she's embarassed by her past so she's elaborated the stories to make it seem like it was all the guys wanting sex and stuff and it wasn't her idea when really it was mutual. I hope this helps, but i agree that if you keep dwelling on her past and not enjoying the present it will cause a lot of issues in your relationship down the road, you'll always be doubting your relationship, talk to her now.
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A
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reader, Illithid +, writes (24 September 2009):
 I agree with CaringGuy. You saved yourself, which I not only respect, but have in common with you. But not everyone is the same with sex, and many girls DO treat it casually, or at least did in the past. What's important is this:
1: Is she honest with you? From what she's told you, it seems she is. So you can trust her, which is a rare thing.
2: Will she limit herself to one man at a time? It seems she never cheated, she just had a few lovers, and some were mistakes she regrets, or even rape (high does not mean consensual). So it sounds again like you can trust her.
3: Do you want to be with her? Are you attracted to her? Can you see yourself with her for the long term? This one you have to answer for yourself.
A woman doesn't have to be a virgin to be committed to the long haul, nor does a girl disqualify for serious relationships for having a few sexual encounters in her past. If you can live with this, and know that even given her past, YOU'RE who she wants (take that as a compliment), then try to stick it out. But if this is going to color your entire relationship, you may need to end it now before you lead her on.
Just do me a favor, choose your words VERY carefully. If you even ALMOST call her something that even SOUNDS like you're SUGGESTING that she's a slut, you will be hurting her, and she sounds like she's been hurt before.
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (24 September 2009):
You need to understand that a lot of people this day and age have had sex with other people. Casual sex is fine provided she was not in a relationship with someone and was cheating on them. I would be worried about myself if this were the case (and I'd get an STD test done as well.)
Your words..."I just feel like if Im not special to her. I feel like if im just another guy she has slept with."
Look at her past...one person takes advantage of her while wasted, one guy bugs her and she does it, one guy has her giving head/sex for rent....
Other than the serious relationship (not sure about your bf) there is no emotional bond in all of these, in fact it is more like abuse which means this girl probably has emotional issues that should be more of a concern to you than who she has slept with...
Heres the thing though...like caring guy said, she's been up front to you and that says one hell of a lot. If you provide her with the love and respect that you seem to have inside for her, then you are going to be giving her something she probably has not had that much of in her life. You can make love to her and give the things a good relationship is built upon (warmth, kindness etc etc.) That will be something very very special, you will not be just another number on her list.
Now is she capable/willing to accept this? You can only find out by giving your all.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (24 September 2009):
 You take your women as you find them, and they leave their men as they left them.
If you feel uncomfortable about her past sex-life then this is going to be a trust and insecurity issue throughout your entire relationship.
It seems she's comfortable letting go of her past, it would seem its best that you do the same and look past it.
She's not sleeping with those other men, and she's with you. If you can try and focus on her as a person and not as someone else's sex partner, then you'll be able to cultivate a real relationship with her.
Right now, you seem to be torturing yourself over her sexual past. That's not healthy.
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A
female
reader, bunnyhat3r +, writes (24 September 2009):
why don't you just be glad that she told you the truth and let go? If she didn't love you and trust you, she wouldn't have told you all of that. I told my husband about all my past crap because I love him and I trust him with it when he was my boyfriend. Yeh he had a hard time with it, and I had a hard time learning about his past, but it's over..Just worry about what's in front of you at this current moment and ENJOY it!!..
have you asked her if you're just another dude? or if you're the one?...
sounds like you might want to have a calm sincere conversation with her and see if you can find some closure.
Remember that communication is key in relationships! i've bitched at my husband so much about that. He gets it now. lol..Good Luck!
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 September 2009):
Everyone comes with a past. She was honest with you, which really is good. She could have said nothing. She's with you and she's been honest. If you cant' accept that she has a past, then you need to let her go. Just focus on the relationship you have with her and your future. What's done is done. She also sounds like a very hurt girl who's been used herself, so make sure you treat her with respect. Don't become another guy who has used her. Accept she has a past and go from there. Otherwise end it.
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