A
male
age
36-40,
*ay07800
writes:im 24yr male my girlfriend is 23 and we have been together for 2years but 3months into our relationship she became pregnant we both love eachother it was abit of a shock but we both agreed to stick by eachother, at this time she was living with her mum whos a drinker and single. her step dad is a drinker too but hardley sees my gf. and i was living with both my mum an dad but i ended up moving in her mums house and we would stay at hers all week and at mine weekends, she was a party animal wen i got with her but her family said i was gd for her because i tamed her and got her on her feet now shes having a baby and she cant drink all her mates are single mums on benefits not working we were both happy but she started to chat to guys on net and ex bf i confronted her and she said she felt lonely so we got over our issues and problems facebook being one of them and wen there were problems we would argue but compramise things were ok and she did miss the drinking and partying. now my daughters 8months old the drinking has got to the point were police have got involved and she is on anti depressents from the doctor all who have contacted social services but she blames me an said i and my family contacted social services its got to the point where social services have said they dont like her mums house or her mum neither do they like my gf and fear for my child they want me to have full custody !! but she has jus been given a 2bed flat and says she will stop drinking and we should move intogether and have our own lil family she loves me and wont stop texing me to sort things out and have a fresh start but social services said if i go back to her and she drinks my daughter will go into care and neither of us will get custody! im going insane i work everyday shes texing me to go sort the mess out i get home my parents tell me to stay away from her but i jus want the best for my daughter and i do love my gf i just wish she didnt drink shes a good mum wen she doesnt but wen she does its rows shouting and kicking me out please advice neeeded
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (14 March 2011):
 you just need to keep good with your parents and social services/solictor and all will go well.
A
male
reader, jay07800 +, writes (13 March 2011):
jay07800 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou all again been a great help !!
update here been to see her and my daughter was sooo happy to see my daughter gave her big cuddle an she knew straight away who i was wich was great feeling but she was tired and fell asleep in my arms while her mother spoke to me about stuff in general shes got it in her head that i was going there to sort things out and stay with her but i told her its gone too far this time you dont pull my strings all my side hate you and ur family and all her side hate me, i asked why and she said alot of crap has been said and stories twisted lets move in together give it another go without parents getting involved an prove to social services we and she are great parents she agreed to go AA and get counceling if its what i wanted i said do it for yourself she replied yeh and myself but i need your support i told her ive supported her as much as i can but you let me down everytime we ended on amicable grounds and i went home and she did too but shortley after contacted me to say her mother was drunk and could she stay with me (i kept the texts as proof)i said my parents wouldnt allow that and she said thats fine but they can see there grandaughter if they wanted so thats that my parents tell me to stay away and they dont want her near the house and i will talk to social services tomorrow and seek a solicitor to back me up on wot has happened incase it gets nasty during the meeting in 2weeks time and i will be walking away with my daughter!
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (13 March 2011):
your girlfriend is bad news for your daughter and you are good news for you daughter. keep things going normally and dont let doing it on your own phase you. you are just as cacapable as any single parent. yes its hard work but no-one know what oppotunities the future holds. saty positive and let that help you
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male
reader, jay07800 +, writes (13 March 2011):
jay07800 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshes on the at risk register my girlfriend wants to talk and i want to see my daughter cant see any harm in that but i will be strong and if she starts or has a horrible attitude i will walk away, theres only so many times she can shoot her self in the foot and it will go in my favour even more if she stops me from seeing my daughter
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male
reader, jay07800 +, writes (13 March 2011):
jay07800 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoverwhelmed by your responses and greatly appreciated i thakyou all !without the drink i know we would have a great family and i know its only her that can sort the drink problems its just this has been a huge blow for me and its not what i wanted for my daughter or myself ive allways seen myself as a family man not a single father i have stayed away from her for 2 days now its driving me mad not seeing my daughter, although she said i could at any time i know its going to be awkward and probly another row because she finks i have caused all of this but this has all been her fault it all started when she called police on me while she was out drinking with her mates and i was asleep with my daughter as you would be at 2am and because i didnt go and pick her up police wake me up, seeing all is well and no concerns on my behalf they immediatley go to her house see her in a state and side with me, the next day the same storie but this time freats towards me and my family because i have my daughter and she conviced herself that i was trying to steal her when clearly to my family and me she wanted to go out with her friends who am i to stop her doing what she wants i said come home at a reasonable time and if i couldnt pick her up to get a cab and i would pay for it but drink takes control again! and the threats are coming thick and heavey i have no option to call police to assist in the matter of me returning my daughter to her mother wich i wasnt happy about but police told me to take her bk and resolve the problem wich has esculated to social services and the situation im in now but i thankyou all for your help and support
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (13 March 2011):
 I used to work in the field of child protection in the UK. The threshold for considering taking a child into care is very high, in accordance with the law. The police and other agencies have a legal obligation to report child concerns of any serious nature to their local social services department. I am assuming that your baby is either on the child protection register and under regular review, or near that step. Social services are not baby snatchers - they try to work with distressed families to keep everyone together if possible. Your girlfriend needs to get professional help beyond anti-depressants and to acknowledge her child neglect issues (at the moment she is looking to blame everyone else). You cannot control the actions or behaviour of your extended family (her family) but you maybe the only stable influence this baby has. It is your absolute responsibility to assume a full duty of care and accept help from social services in terms of parenting classes etc to show willing on your part. If your baby enters the care system it may well be difficult and a long process to assume custody at a later stage. Given the age there is a chance that the baby will be put up for adoption if you don't assume an active role as a father. It maybe stressful being stuck in this situation but it is what it is. Your girlfriend should be made to prove herself fit long term before the issue of assuming a maternal role over this child is even considered - alcohol counselling and therapy maybe appropriate. Antidepressants are not treating the addiction after all. She must demonstrate her willingness to change in the long run. If she reforms, social services may well be willing to accept her involvement with this child. It maybe the case that she gets family contact time with the baby at a social services family centre to start with. She needs to demonstrate how she has changed and what steps she has made to change. You may want a relationship with her, but your baby is priority no.1. If you go back to her and get caught by social services they may take the baby. Then you might end up having a relationship breakdown with your girlfriend over the stress. Therefore you will be without your baby and your girlfriend. It is best to act as social service advised and be grateful that you have been trusted as a responsible parent.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 March 2011):
 Not tryng to be sarcastic, here- just honestly puzzled.Why, what options do you think you have ? I can't see any alternative, you should fight for full custody of your child. Would you rather have her growing up in care of the state, among strangers , ..when she has a healthy,available and ( hopefully ) responsible father ???So, you may risk that your gf gets pissed off and dumps you...First, that's not for sure, and second, if she is the kind of woman that will punish you...for actually having seeked and done her daughter's best interest, then you are better off without her !
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A
male
reader, shaundizzle  +, writes (13 March 2011):
The first thing I would do is try and reconcile the relationship if you care for her. Ask her to try counseing, if she says no tell her you are still going ad she is welcome to come when ready. Talk to the counselor about ur problems and work activly on finding a solutionIf she takes too long to consolidate, tell her you need to go live with your parents for a little and that you are ready to work on the relationship when she is. It is very important that you don't impose her to do anything or threaten her (such as saying you're going to take the kid forever). Make sure you let her know you care for her and want to help. If you need any more advice let me know.And the reason for her acting this way is because she went through trauma as a kid with her family or something of the sort. Guarentee you will figure out what it was at counseling if you don't know ready
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 March 2011):
You're not in the middle. Your first priority is your child, that's it.
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A
male
reader, jay07800 +, writes (13 March 2011):
jay07800 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe doc told her to have counciling wich she hasn't attended and social services want to know why, she went to one baby and mother class then didn't go anymore wen we are together we are great family couldn't be happier but certain nights wen I get home from work she then tels me jus having one glass of rose turns to a bottle or two or will mix her drinks and she doesn't stop talking then will start on me because I tel her that's enuff, she says the more u tel me to stop the more I'll drink, I end up sitting there holding my daughter while she gets off her head and says now I'm home its her time to let her hair down weekends I'm home I'm tired from work want to relax spend time with her and my daughter I get ur boring ur lazy so she drinks I take her out without our daughter she wants to drink, fing is I don't drink or smoke I work hard and she expects everyone to run around for her but when she's sober and bk to her self she's the best girl I could ask for just hate this drinking an she doesn't see a problem with it, thankyou for your replys its a great help I know I'm a good dad and I can support my daughter just want her to stop the drink and give my daughter the best family life possible
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): Jay07800 - your girlfriend is an adult and makes her own choices. Your daughter doesn't have the ability to make judgements on her own behalf, but you do. You must seek custody of your child, because if you don't she will go into care.
You are not responsible for your girlfriend's choices and you cannot stay with her because you think she might attempt suicide if you leave.
She needs help and I hope takes it and recovers. In the meantime, fight for your daughter.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (13 March 2011):
basically if you lose your child by going back with her then there is only one option. do not move in with her.
she isn't in a right fit state to be around a baby and it has come to the attention of a lot of authority figures. basically stay away from her until she sorts out her addiction and can control her behaviour.
someone has to be responsible for the child and this time its you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): Your first priority is your daughter. You must take full custody WITHOUT DELAY. How often do we read in papers of young children and babies suffering because of the conduct of their addict parent? Your girlfriend is an addict - if she puts her need for drink and her own enjoyment ahead of the welfare of her child, she is not fit to have her. Your girlfriend obviously has issues, as does her mother and her stepfather. Unfortunately she has been raised in a dysfunctional household, and that is manifesting itself in her behaviour. I imagine her childhood was a complete misery. Do you want the same for your child?DO NOT move into the flat with your girlfriend. She has a lot to prove to you, but more to prove to herself. She needs help, but do you think she is ready to hear that, or do anything about it?I think you already know what the answer is, and it will be hard for you to be a single parent, but you will have the comfort of knowing that your daughter is not in the middle of a drink-fuelled hell. She will always be at risk of injury, or worse, every minute she is in her mother's custody.How can you even hesitate? Take full custody of your daughter and with the help and support of your parents, raise your little girl to be the best she can be. You have the chance to make your daughter's life a success, don't let it slip through your fingers.Harden your heart, say "No" to your girlfriend, and "Yes" to taking custody of your child.Keep strong.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Honest +, writes (13 March 2011):
 I'm so sorry you are in this situation. As you said, protecting your daughter is of the most importance right now. And your girlfriend needs help and time to sort herself out. Is she in AA or any other recovery programme? If not, try and get her into one. Say you need to before you can consider giving things a go. If she refuses then I'm afraid it sounds like she isn't serious about recovery. Also, if you need support there is a group called al-anon for those affected by a loved one's alcoholism. They're great at making you understand what alcoholism really is, and understanding what you're dealing with often makes it easier to do so. They also offer practical advice about how to deal on a day-to-day basis with the problems alcoholism throws up.As I said your daughter is the most important thing right now. And social services are concerned for a reason. I think you need to sit down with your girlfriend (sober if you can) and say that for now, you're going to have to have custody so you don't both lose the child. Explain that you still love her, support her and envisage a time when you can be a family again (if this is the case?) but that to get to that point, she needs to do some serious work on herself, through AA, councilling, rehab, whatever you both (and the proffessionals) feel is needed. Alcoholism is a huge monster to face, and very few people manage to do so alone, without things like AA. You can have your child secure at home, and support your girlfriend. If she's allowed to visit, try and make sure she gets regular (possibly supervised) contact with her daughter. And when you start seeing real changes in her behaviour and lifestyle, then talk to social services, readress the issue, and perhaps this will all be resolved. In the meantime, give your daughter a stable and loving home (which I'm sure you are) and be honest and supportive towards your girlfriend. This is a truly horrible situation, but it isn't hopeless. Stay strong and get all the support you can. Talk with social services, ask what needs to be done and in working with them you will reach some conclusion that suits you, your daughter and (hopefully) your girlfriend. It might just take a while. Hope things look up soon. All the best.
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male
reader, jay07800 +, writes (13 March 2011):
jay07800 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for your reply the situation at this point is a meeting this month with the social services and police and everyone has to attend and its in a few weeks if they decide i get full custody or she goes into care wich i would hate, my girlfriend knows about the meeting but is expecting me to support her she doesnt know the consequences but im in the middle here if i show supporrt i will look like an unfit dad if i go against her il get my daughter wich i want but il lose my girlfriend and she will get worse maybe commit suicide she tried it before when i left her
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 March 2011):
Right now, what is best for your daughter is for you to take custody and be a father. Your girlfriend is not in any fit state to be a mother, and won't be until she has dealt with her own problems. For social to get involved, realistically her behaviour must be that bad. Your number 1 priority now is to make sure your daughter has a stable home with at least 1 stable parent - you. Your girlfriend is irrelevant at this time and needs to prove herself by sorting her problems out. She can't be a girlfriend or a mother at this time. You are a father now, and you have a job to do - so get to it or you'll lose your daughter and look like those crap parents on Jeremy Kyle and those sorts of shows.
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