A
male
age
36-40,
*ringles
writes:Hi everyone, I'm after some advice. So here it goes.My girlfriend and I have been together for just over 3.5 years. We have practically lived together for 1.5 years but have only in our own place for the past few months.Things have been good. Or at least so I thought... Yes, we've had our rough paches and our relationship had got a bit flat. I've never been the jealous type. But around 3 weeks ago she started talking to this new bloke. I was fine at first but I developed a little bit of jealousy and I would ask about this bloke to hint how I feel. On the weekend she messaged me saying "I love you". That night was her birthday party. This bloke was there and I knew who he was but my girlfriend failed to introduce me to him. She was talking to him outside at one point and I only found her when I went to put some things in my car... And now I think back on it, he was startled when I walked around the corner.Two days later I messaged her asking when she would be home because I had a nice dinner cooked for both of us and wanted to serve it for her. She messaged saying "I'll be home at 10:30. Please don't serve too much for me as I ate not long ago. :)" And when she got home she had been crying and asked to talk to me... I seriously thought that maybe she has crashed the car or something. But instead she said "I don't think we're working out". In shock I got my keys and left the house for a breather... I returned around 30minutes later to talk things over. I asked if it had anything to do with another bloke? She said "no" and the only thing she was telling me is she feels she can't talk to me anymore...I ended up staying somewhere else that night and luckily had some friends to talk to.The next day I wrote her a letter with some memories and what I would do to make this relationship work. That night I handed it to her personally and told her to read it in her own time. That night she contacted me and told me she wanted to meet up the next night and I agreed (was her birthday). I prior to all of this happening had organised a weekend away for her birthday, but desided I would refund this, let her know what it was and tell her I'd love to do it with her another time. And then I bought her some flowers for her birthday instead.Then we met up when we had agreed. She admitted (even though I had found out off friends she told when drunk at the party) that she had feelings for the bloke and was unsure who she wants to be with. She wants to follow her heart. I poured my heart to her. I asked if she still loves me and has feelings for me, but is confused? She replied, "Yes". After 2 hours of talking in a car I asked if we could go for a small walk... I held her hand and took her to a nice spot where I leant on a wall and pulled her in towards me (bear hug). I told her I loved her and kissed her on the head a few times. She turned around and hugged me and was staring into my eyes. I told her that I wanted to kiss her but was unsure what she thought (avoiding awkwardness). She leant in and kissed me for a good 30seconds.After this we talked and came to an agreement that I would not talk or see her for a further 4 days. Then we would meet up again and talk. I asked if she had been spacing herself from the other bloke? She said, "no, I've been talking things over with him. And we're open to talk about our feelings". This hurt... But I said "Will you space yourself from him as you are me?" And she said, "It sounds like the right thing to do"I love her alot. More then I ever imagioned before... She's confused, and this hurts.In my head I think, "You can't just throw away a 4 year relationship and living together at the click of fingers like a teenage relationship". But I'm worried this could happen...Any opinions? Any advice?Thanks so much in advance.
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female
reader, Alittlebroken  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 I'm so sorry to hear that she has decided to end things. You need to be strong now- you sound very level headed. I would advise no contact at this point, as hard as it is to let go, this will be the only way you can move on. She has put you through a hard time and if you need to seek some counselling, I wouldn't be embarassed it can only help you on your way. I wish you all the best with this, god knows we have all been there and know what you are about to go through. Good luck xx
A
male
reader, pringles +, writes (31 August 2010):
pringles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNah, it's not acceptable at all. It's me only or not me at all. I just feel like I've lost in this circumstance and what keeps coming though my head is she said 50% of her wants to try work it out and 50% of her doesn't. You'd think what you have would get the benefit of the doubt and not throwing it away.
I just have to keep thinking that everything happens for a reason and that if she isn't willing to fight for the relationship then it would have just happened somewhere else down the track.
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A
male
reader, multitalented  +, writes (30 August 2010):
Learn to accept other men into your relationship or more correctly into her life. Or move on.
To tell you the truth. I think that under these circumstances, you are a victim. It is very likely that she has cheated on you. You need to sort out your own head. If this is acceptable (to some men it is). Discuss it with her, decide and then move on
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male
reader, pringles +, writes (30 August 2010):
pringles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your kind words. As she has been one of the few around me for something so big in my life (the loss of my father) I find it hard to stop talking to her.
I'm trying to build up the courage to start packing my things. Today I met up with her at home and we sat and talked for an hour. This was very big of us and I'm glad we could. I hope this is a sign that we can be friends in the near future.
I might have to come over to the USA if that's what you believe haha. I've only ever dated Aussie girls. And I can guarentee they weren't charmed by my accent!
Thanks again to all of you for your support and help. It really does help to get advice from different people.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (30 August 2010):
 Dang it God ignored my prayers..well maybe this is a sign. Yes, it's best to terminate the lease, to get all your things, leave it all behind..and to not be friends with her anytime soon...Just know that you sat there and gave your all nothing less. If she wants to give up a good man right in front of her then she's got a serious problem..this new bloke will never measure up to you in any way, she's going to realize that real quick then find herself missing you. One chapter in your life ended, well it's time to write another chapter.. Take some time to yourself to grieve if need be and more you time then put yourself back on the market after awhile.You're an Aussie for pete's sake you can charm the pants off any woman with that accent! {Sigh}
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A
male
reader, pringles +, writes (30 August 2010):
pringles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone,Just the final update. As of last night my partner and I are officially over. She told me that she just doesn't have the heart to put back into it anymore... This hurt.I'm going through many mixed emotions right now. Last night I thought maybe I could be friends with her still. But I'm kidding myself as I'd be too jealous etc and I just wouldn't get over her. It's just such a shock to me because I've lost my girlfriend, best friend and also all of her family who I classified as my own.Now I have to move all of my stuff out of our place and terminate the lease etc. I'm reluctant to do this as it's the only thing holding us together at this point. Specially as once this is finished, in order for me to move on I'm likely going to have to completely stop contact with her. At least for a while.Ahh, gee. This is going to be a hard trot for me.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (29 August 2010):
I prayed for you twice!!
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A
male
reader, pringles +, writes (29 August 2010):
pringles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your advice people.Last night I dropped the letter into her letterbox. She was home alone, which is a good sign. I also added a song on a CD that really simulates my feelings right now. (Pissed off and hurt, but willing to try work things out with her)Unfortunately, I have already messaged her letting her know that there was something in the letterbox. And yes, it started with "Hey Gorgeous." And ended with "xx". It could backfire, but the way I'm looking at it is if that leads her away then its just escalating something she's already thinking...I have had older friends read over everything I've done and I've listened to their advice (33y.o and 40y.o). I've also been seeking advice from a good friend who had been through a similar situation before.Well, now it's a waiting game. I have no idea what to expect today when we meet up. But deep down I'm expecting her to break it off, or not know what she wants still. In that case I'll end it myself. This could just be me putting up a protective barrier though. Obviously, I hope it all works out and there is still a chance. It'll just come down to whether she loves me or not I guess.Thanks
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A
male
reader, James the Rocket +, writes (28 August 2010):
Good that you are putting the effort in, but go easy on the 'my beautiful' stuff. Don't be too clingy. Just say "Check the letterbox."
When she finds a letter from you, she will know you love her and that you want her and everything. It's obvious to all reading this that you love her, but you need to be careful not be seen as needy.
That's a hard thing to do isn't it? A bit of a paradox. You want her to understand that you love her, yet you must not drive her away by smothering her with too much affection.
You are in a really tough situation. Listen to your mates. Get an older friend to go over it with you... let him read this question and answer forum, then take in his advice.
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A
male
reader, pringles +, writes (28 August 2010):
pringles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right. I am younger then the age range posted. I am 23 and she is 22. I did this as a safety barrier incase she was on this site. But you know what? I don't care as it shows I'm trying to push through it...
You made a good point. It is a concern that she isn't talking to me about things. But if she's talking about me to him then that's a concern to him as it shows she has feelings for me.
I wrote a love letter last night. I will edit it some more today and get a friend or 2 to proof read it for me. I will drop it into the letterbox late tonight (so she doesn't see me) and tomorrow message her (as we haven't made a meet time/place as of yet) saying "in the letterbox there is something special for you my beautiful. Please take the time to read it thismorning. I will be waiting at blah blah from 1:30-2:00pm." (example)
this leaves it open to her. If she doesn't show, doesn't have an answer or is calling it quits then I will be at the house soon after to pick up my things...
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A
male
reader, James the Rocket +, writes (27 August 2010):
I have to agree with tennistar88. All the red flags are flying furiously. For some reason, women just seem able to look you in the eye and lie much better than we can!
But even if you are right and she isn't cheating, the other guy has massive advantages over you: he's new and exciting and he also is openly in the know about you. This last point is VERY important....
She can pour her heart out to him and tell him things like "he's hurt and upset, etc... he said this, said that, this is what happened.." she cannot do this with you. She cannot talk to you about him the way she does to him about you.
I reckon that could well be the sealer. You might as well hang in there. You do seem very naive and much younger than your posted age range, but you need to know one thing: wake up and throw on your uniform, for you are at war.
In that spirit, the pro-cons list of tennistar88 is worth a shot.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 August 2010):
In reply to your update...
You don't have to make your status to hint your upset, the girl already knows how much your hurting. Plus those kind of statuses are for the girls anyway were the emotional ones. Not chatting with her on Facebook, it's space she wants but I wouldn't necessarily turn her down if she IMed you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): First of all, she's a lucky girl to have a guy who is so able to think of her feelings and not of his own pain in this situation. Also, she's damn lucky to have someone cook for her like that! I can't tell you how many women would love to have dinner put in front of them!
I am not sure she has cheated, and even if she has I think this situation can be rescued, but I also think you should think carefully about whether that is really in your best interests long term.
I'm guessing that your girlfriend is around the same age as you are, maybe slightly younger. It's a bit of a crunch time for girls, somewhere between being young and carefree and being maturer and ready to commit to a house, career, marriage, kids etc. etc. etc. Plus, you've been together that classic amount of time - around 3 years - when the relationship stops being new and exciting, and big questions about The Future start to raise their heads. That can be a very exciting time for a couple, but it can also be a very scary and frustrating one. I would suggest that at this moment in time her behaviour is simply immature and highly confused. It's quite possible that she finds the fact that she has feelings for someone else quite distressing and simply doesn't know what to do. The fact that she's come to you and spoken about it suggests to me that she does care and doesn't want to do anything 'wrong' by you.
Several women I know have had episodes a bit like your girlfriend's. Let me set something straight: there is no way she is 'in love' with this guy. She's known him all of two minutes, whereas you have been there for her over the long term. What he represents is something new, exciting, and flirtatious - his attention probably makes her feel attractive and young. I think she's probably 'limerant' - which means she's in love with the IDEA of love and attention, not actually in love with this guy. It may also be that his attraction for her offers her a kind of escape from things that are worrying her at home or at work. The problem is, this is a kind of daydream - the relationship between them isn't 'real' and the chances are, if they spent any large amount of time together, they'd find they were incompatible in all kinds of ways.
If you want to save this, and it sounds like you do, I think you should sit down with your girlfriend and talk about the way things are between you. Take the new guy out of the situation - I actually think he probably isn't that relevant to what's really going on, deep down. Find out how your girlfriend is feeling about the relationship. What's missing for her? Does she need more attention? More sex or a different kind of sex? Or more stability (emotionally, financially)? Does she need to get out more, so she doesn't feel that her youth is slipping away? (This is something you can do together). Does she feel that she's not listened to? Is she frustrated by a dead-end career? What about the situation between you leads her to think that this isn't a longterm deal? I'm not suggesting the situation is your 'fault' at all - but perhaps there are things you can work on between you that will bring her affection flooding back. Maybe you will be able to work through a plan together that can get you back on track.
However, I think you also need to think about what YOU need and want. It is, of course, possible that she's simply not ready for a guy who is as sweet and obviously mature as you are. But I think she might have to go a very long way before she found someone who loved her as much. Perhaps she needs space to realize that. But you also need to protect yourself here: you can't be waiting indefinitely for her to make a decision and you need to start preparing yourself emotionally for the idea that you might need to move on. You also need to show her your dignity - your self-respect and knowledge that you're a good partner. It sounds like you're being taken for granted, and if she genuinely feels she might lose you, her attitude towards you might change quite dramatically. W
To sum up, it IS possible to come back from this, but only if you both have the commonsense, patience, and love to get through it. hat she is doing IS a major betrayal of trust between you, and it will take a lot to get rid of the insecurity it has created between you in the longterm - you might need couples counselling to move on together. I wish you the very best of luck in the future.
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A
female
reader, Catflap1 +, writes (27 August 2010):
By the way, to me she is being unfaithful. Her intentions are quite clear, she is seeing the other person. Sorry!
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female
reader, Alittlebroken +, writes (27 August 2010):
I really wish you the best of luck on Sunday. You definitely have the right attitude, and you are not deluded; if this girl doesn't pick you she is crazy. Guys like you are few and far between. I agree, it sounds like she is not ready to commit. Don't wait around for her forever though, this is hurtful, and if she really loves you she will know what it's doing to you and will not ask you to wait. Good luck and let us know how you get on.
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female
reader, Catflap1 +, writes (27 August 2010):
I think you have behaved fantastically well with her considering. There is only one ingredient missing; she is somehow under the mistaken impression that she has all the power and a free rein to choose what happens next. Does she?Have you heard the saying “if there’s cookies in the jar who wants cookies?” On the other hand have you every caught sign of something just out of reach that you would quite like to have? I can totally assure you that you will cause a reaction in her if you make it clear that she is free to go. You need to say up front that even if she decided she wanted to stay with you, you are uncertain whether you would feel the same way about her. You need to be completely clear that being treated this way is not something you can accept. Offering yourself on a plate even with salad garnish won’t work, she needs to know that the honour of being your partner is of high value. It is not a thing to be squandered or damaged through carelessness. You deserve and need something better than this. Even if she was sorry there would have to be quite a lot of effort put in by her to reassure you and regain your trust.It is so important to draw the line for so many reasons, but if you do the best will come out of it. By challenging her you will find out whether she has made a mistake and has the strength of character to make things better. If she hasn’t you are better off without her. In the worst case scenario, which is the one you face at the moment, you can keep your head held high because you looked after yourself. You have nothing to lose but a lot to gain by putting a stop to it, putting a share of the power back in your corner and making her realise that you have standards for yourself that she is not living up to.
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male
reader, pringles +, writes (27 August 2010):
pringles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response.
I agree with alot of what you wrote. But on the same vote (please don't take offense as I don't mean it offensively) but you don't know her... She is the type that won't sleep with anyone until she's in a steady relationship with the person. But to contradict myself, I didn't think that she would do this to me either...
I'm going to keep thinking of what I want. If I'm having doubts then I think that I should let her know before sunday.
All in all. I've done my part to the fight. If she wants me its her turn to fight.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 August 2010):
I, like tennistar think she cheated and that's why she came back crying. But there is no way she'll admit to you she did that, so you've kind of got to put that one on the back burner.
My big problem here is that you've been going out for 3.5 years but not living together. Yet the moment you truly move in together (a few months), and she's suddenly met another guy and is now confused. That's such a huge red flag. Because it means only one thing, and that is that she was not ready to truly commit to you or anyone else.
Unlike tennistar, I am far more sceptical about this. Tennistar has been stuck in the middle of two guys, so she knows how the girl is feeling. But I've been the guy like you waiting for a girlfriend to make her mind up (admittedly it wasn't as big as your relationship). It wasn't pretty. In the end, she went and cheated. Then she tried to play games and make out we could be 'friends'. It took me a while to get over that one.
She'll now be talking to this other guy. She claims she won't. But she will. I think with her lack of commitment so soon into you two moving in together, you can afford to let her go and find someone else. This happened all too quickly when you two had moved in, and I don't think she was ready. I think you can afford to let her go, before she hurts you more, which she most likely will. Because even if she does come back, you then have to deal with the pain of knowing what she probably got up to with this other guy. And that's a lot to deal with.
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male
reader, pringles +, writes (27 August 2010):
pringles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses. Today I've been in a bit of a 'I just don't care anymore mood'. But I'm kidding myself if I think I don't want her back because I really do.Both of your responses make sense. I think I will write a letter tomorrow and will hand it to her on sunday before we start talking and ask her to read it.I'm preparing myself for the worst. But it is eating me alive.I admit that the fear of her doing it again is playing on my mind. But the thought has been eased quite a bit by some friends that have had the same situation happen to them and have come back stronger then ever from it.I have no idea what to expect on sunday and this is why I guess I posted up on here. It also eases my mind to vent out what I am feeling.I believe on the saying, "let who you love go. If they love they will come back to you. If they do not then it's not meant to be".
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male
reader, pringles +, writes (27 August 2010):
pringles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response :)For the all clear, she has not cheated. She has told me that even if we do break up she doesn't plan on starting a new relationship straight away and definately not sleeping with him until in a relationship. I believe her on this.I've spoken to quite a few friends about this and everyone has had different responses which is good but can also be confusing at times.In my eyes, she's got to choose between someone she knows things work well with or someone who could potentially be love to her.I like your idea about the love letter and I will definately go ahead with this and ask her to read it when we meet up.We've desided to meet up on sunday and I told her not to rush her answer as if it has to be delivered then. But in saying that, I can't wait forever. It will be hard to trust her again. I may not even be able to but I am willing to try as we have so much together. My friends have told me to stand my ground and try not show her that I am hurting. So I'm not posting anything to hint I am upset on facebook and I'm not messaging her. Is this the right thing in your opinion? I asked her if space is what she really wants and she replied with "yes".Thanks again.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): Sorry brother but its over. If she isn't sleeping with him now she soon will be. She is not wife/GF material.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 August 2010):
You sound like a very stand up guy, having dinner ready for her when she comes home, was going to surprise her with a birthday get-away weekend, and even wrote a letter saying how you're going to make it better. Plus, you're willing to forgive her for straying away, she would be foolish not to get back with you. Her coming home crying is a red flag, when I read that I thought Oh my did she cheat? It's worth asking her about again. She shut herself off completely from you but can open up to a guy she just met, this is a bad sign...I agree with you when you asked her if she would space herself from him as well but you know she's going to do what she wants..Also I see the effects it's going to have on her, she's opening up with him getting more comfortable and feeling like he is supportive which is going to make her decision lean towards him. However, you're still in her mind even though you guys are spacing yourselves, the 4 years does mean something to her. It's not that disposable. Write her a love letter this time, (have it ready for the next meeting) specify at the end you do want her back, she can't keep being in-between about this she has to come to a decision it's not fair to you or him, and suggest that she make a pros/cons list about you and the bloke to help her figure out which one. (I used this tactic when I was caught in the middle with 2 men) It will be as plain as day on paper staring her in the face which one should she pick. I'm praying you get your girl back!!
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