A
male
age
51-59,
*r. Don T Knowitall
writes:I just found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. We're both just over the 40 mark, it was a major shock to me as I never, ever thought I would have children and because of our ages the odds were so slim. She already has 3 kids which can sometimes be a handful. the first thing I thought was to abort because we would have little support, our families are far away, and there are risks for a woman in her 40s to carry a baby. I'm worried about her. She won't answer my calls, seldom answers my emails. I know she is angry at me, I can understand that. We haven't told anybody but because I'm in new territory it is hard for me. My mind is all over the place, I can't eat anything. I dont' know what to do. I don't have anybody to talk to and the person I want to talk to the most doesn't want to talk to me. Any ladies out there who can tell me what's going through a woman's mind at a time like this? She is going to see the doctor in about a week to confirm the prenancy. I'm not only worried about the decision we have to make with the baby, I'm also very worried that our relationship won't survive. I really love her but right now she is so angry at me. I don't want to lose her. I'm not against having a child with her, we are a good team and got along great until now. I just don't know what to do other than wait, and it's killing me. what is she thinking about? she's seeing red right now but will she still love me? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Mr. Don T Knowitall +, writes (19 July 2012):
Mr. Don T Knowitall is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thanks everyone for replying. Well, after I wrote this I did get to talk to my gf. I was so nervous and figured she would meet me at the door with some kind of weapon but that didn't happen. It went pretty well. She has given up cigarettes and alcohol so I knew the abortion option was off the table and I'm fine with that. I apologized for suggesting it as it was my first reaction. After a few days we were getting along pretty well. but now, she's worried I don't make enough $ to support us and I can't seem to convince her that we'll be fine, though it may be tight for awhile.
She is heading overseas on a trip she's had planned since early this year and now wants me to go with her to assist and break the news to her dad, but the timing is bad with work and other projects, it's too short notice, and I said I can't afford to do it with the baby on the way. It's complicated as we live apart and I've been trying to sell my place since springtime, before she got pregnant, and I may have to carry both places for awhile until I sell.
Anyway, what I'm getting to is that now she's mad at me again and can't understand why I don't want to spend $3000 that I don't have to. And then today she totally shocked me and suggested that maybe she can't handle the baby and I haven't thought about her welfare at all and went on to say that if she gets an abortion then we're done. I told her that I'm worried about losing her (forgot to mention I did write her an extensive letter to tell her how much I love her). Maybe she's just being emotional right now and lashing out. She asked me if I was still thinking about abortion and I said I haven't thought about it since the first couple days. but now it's on the table again, I guess, and I'm stressed because I don't want our relationship to end. We have a good thing and I'd like to get back to that if we can.
It's still early, I suppose. It's been quite an emotional roller coaster ride so far. I just wish she could see that I can look after her. Her ex pays support but he's been known to be unreliable so I think she is being very cautious and is still mad at me for getting her into this situation. I know it takes two but she doesn't see it like that. Pointing fingers doesn't change the facts on the ground so I'm not worried about it.
some people mentioned adoption, I've thought about it a little (don't know if I could do it) and didn't really consider it because she already has 3 kids and I can't see her wanting to give up her child.
thanks again for your comments, it makes me feel a little easier.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): OK, I think what she's doing is really bad form. I mean, it's normal for a woman to be totally freaked out with an unwanted pregnancy. It's her body after all. BUT freaking out is one thing, at some point you need to control yourself and behave like an adult again even if internally you're still totally freaked out. What she's doing - blaming you, being so mad at you, yet refusing to talk to you - that's just unacceptable behavior if it's gone on for more than a day or two. If this is how your gf sees this problem - that is all your fault somehow and you 'did this to her' when she was a willing accomplice, I think you have more problems in your relationship than this unwanted pregnancy.I think you should come up with some options to suggest to her so that if she ever decides to talk to you again, you have some place to start talking about the future. the options would be: (a) she terminates the pregnancy.(b) She has the baby and you both stay together to raise it together, whether getting married or not. (c) she has the baby, but you and her break up, and you pay child support for the next 21 years.(d)She has the baby, and you both give it up for adoption. (e)She has the baby, you and her break up, you sign away your parental rights if both you and her agree to it (so you don't have to be paying child support but also means you dont' get to claim that you're the father of this child in future). as you can see, there's many options, it's not just either terminate or else you and her are locked together into marriage and parenthood against your will(s). many people see these as the only options and it leads to a lot of unhappy families because they are families built on resentment and regret.I do not feel it is wrong to give a baby up for adoption. the child may very well be better off growing up in a family where he/she is wanted and actively sought out, than in a family where he/she isn't wanted or where the family's structure is not conducive to raising him/her (such as parents who have no money, unstable home relationship..).I do not believe that everyone who has a baby is obligated to keep the baby and raise it themselves no matter how non-conducive your life structure is to raising a child. if you can't or simply really really don't want to be parents, there are LOTS of couples out there who are dying to adopt and make that commitment to the child you brought into the world. Maybe I'm biased because in my family I have several cousins and a sibling who are adopted. You and your gf obviously do not want to have a child together. So please consider giving this baby up for adoption so he/she can have a chance to grow up in a loving stable home where he/she is wanted and where the parents say prayers of gratitude, rather than a home where the child is ruining lives. If you can honestly discuss options with your gf and not immediately lock yourself into just one or two permanent paths and not even explore the rest, I think you and your gf will be able to work through this difficult situation and it will not be the end of the world. You do not have to ruin your lives by having another child, nor ruin that child's life by begrudgingly keeping him/her.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (12 July 2012):
 I had an unplanned pregnancy when I was 26 and married with 2 children. It was frightening beyond belief for me. My husband did NOT handle the situation well at all and the first words out of his mouth were "How the hell did that happen? We can't have this baby!" It hurt so much that he immediately thought of an abortion. I was already really upset and frightened and his actions didn't make me feel very secure.
I'm now 50 and can't even begin to imagine how scared/upset I'd be to be 40 and find out I'm pregnant. You're confused and concerned...how do you think SHE feels???? Its her body! You need to step back and realize all the she's going through right now....ie..."I'm too old, I already have 3 kids, I'm not married..I don't know if I can handle this financially, he suggested an abortion..." You get the idea! She's running around right now not even probably thinking clearly.
I know it hurts, but she needs some space, some time to think. Then contact her. Ask her to talk to you...calmly, discuss things. Ask her what she wants to do. Don't assume anything. Try to support her in any way that you can.
Any pregnancy can be scary, but especially an unplanned one, no matter how much 2 people may love each other. Respect her feelings and whatever her decision may be. I hope she'll calm down and make you part of things and not continue to make you feel like an outsider. Remember too that she's probably angry at herself. Life throws some real curve balls sometimes. I wish you all the best, I hope there's a happy ending for you both.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 July 2012):
 I work in this field and I see a lot of women both younger and older who show this kind of anger and it usually boils down to confusion and miscommunication.
Some women see getting pregnant as a test for their partner. They watch his reaction when he is told the news, hoping he will be pleased or supportive (even if the pregnancy was unplanned). If the partner reacts with negativity (like suggesting an abortion or saying he isn't sure) it's a direct signal to her that all is not well in the relationship and she is going to be abandoned (irrational in most cases but not in many).
Although she is projecting anger at you, thinking you don't want the baby,she is probably angry at herself also for falling pregnant and I agree with you, most older couples do not expect it is possible to even get pregnant past the age of 40...so they have unprotected sex.
You are in a state of confusion and kinda gave the wrong reaction when she told you the news but it doesn't mean you won't be supportive or a good father should she choose to have the baby...you just didn't do what she expected and that was to sweep her in your arms (cue romantic music) and tell her everything will be ok (because that's what women want)
She isn't speaking to you because she is assuming she's been abandoned so she's gone off in a dramatic strop without even listening to what you have to say and I can tell you right now she is fearful that this might end the relationship.
I agree that you should give yourself a few days to think about things...a baby has been made and it is both your responsibilities to deal with but ultimately hers to have the baby if she wants (because nobody can force anybody to have an abortion). If you really love her then you need to write to her and tell her, try and be supportive because even if she does choose to abort, it's a horible thing to have to go through alone.
If you write to her, then she cannot but in, she will be forced to listen to what you have to say, so think carefully about how you are going to approach her because she's feeling very fragile and unsupported right now.
Let us know how it goes
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2012): why is she angry at ONLY you? I mean, doesn't she bear at least 50% of the responsibility? She would know if you were using your protection and she should have insisted you wear protection, and it's her responsibility to take her birth control pills. I am concerned that she is blaming this entirely on YOU and you alone. It takes two to tango. that says a lot about the relationship, I think....?I don't think it's a good idea to bring a baby into a relationship where (a) it's not wanted, or is causing a lot of anger (b) the anger is from one of the parents directed at the other. that's a dysfunctional family waiting to happen.let her calm down a bit, then try to contact her again. but I have to admit, I don't think this is a good sign for your relationship, I don't see that either way will lead to a good outcome.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 July 2012):
 She probably thought you were irresponsible and felt insulted because you were basically saying her age would make her an unsuitable mother. I totally understand having 3 kids is hard, yet there is not enough reason to abort. You reacted and now you couldn't take the words back. She is going through a hormonal stage and she will come by. She will need you more as her mobility becomes limited in the next few months, especially when family is faraway. It's hard to look for a man who will accept 3 children not his own, let alone the 4th one. Write her a letter telling you love her and will do whatever to support her and the baby. Tell her you are new at this and are terrified of not providing enough for the family and therefore reacted. With faith and cooperation things will work out.
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