A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm stuck in a real complicated situation and need some genuine advice.im 29 years old female from india.in 2008 I met a man who approached me and I fell in love with him.he was my first boyfriend ever and I truly loved him at that point beyond any explanation.i thought life without him would be worth not living and couldn't imagine myself living with out him at that point.anyway I was his 3rd gf and he had had other flings besides those 3 relationships also but for me he was my first boyfriend i never even had a fling before tht.anyway my parents and my siblings knew his family and the guy as we live In s small town in India and everyone knows off each other they warned me against him and his family tht I shouldn't get involved with him and tht his family doesn't have a good reputation.i ignored everyone cuz I was. In love.later ths guys own first cousin who also knew my best friend told my best friend to tell me tht ths guys family is sper strange and this guy is also really weird and tell ur find to get out of ths mess.i ignored all tht too .eventually him and I had a fall out cuz he kinda cheated on me by proposing to my sister s best friend while still with me but ths happened when we were still gettin to low each other and had just been together for 2 months I fought with him over tht stopped trusting him but it was hard for me to get over him as I loved him too much so I still stayed with him.eventually now we had been together for 2 yrs had some falls outs but despite everything were still together.then I started figuring out tht he has lied to me lot about random money stuff in this relation.like he'd lie to me tht he's traveling all over Ther world when was wasn't just so I think tht he's doing well in life and has money to travel like he was portraying me the image.i come from a well off family and my parents have given me a good life tht I didn't see him providing me which is why I would tell him at times tht u have to work hard snuff to support me or else my parents won't let me marry someone who can't support my lifestyle.instead of being honest and tellin me he started lying to me about the money he earned and faked travels and shopping so he cold impress me.anyway around tht time officially to the world we had broken up but we would still talk on the pone all the time but never met even thu we lived 5 min away from each other.i didn't want the world to thnk I was still with him despite everything he had done to me ,I was embarrassed to face the world about him cuz he hadnt been so honest to me aout things like money also and somehow trapped me in but saying I'm bitchyand materialistic and rude so I felt bad and would end up being with him but I told him clearly tht to the world we have broken up so he can't tell anyone we still talk.i guess I knew he's. It good for my future but I was soo attached to him tht it was hard Leaving him so I secretly kept talking to him.now the deal is tht for my future marriage wise I know I don't want to marry him cuz he is not good for my future and the past we've had I can't trust him but I still talk to him day in day out and we still meet secretly and make out also we haven't had sex but thts about it we've made out every way possible than full sex.my friends and family don't even know we talk and they think I'm single which I am cuz I don't see myself marrying him but I find it hard not talking to him cuz he's been such a big part of my life for 4 yrs now.i keep telling myself when I find another guy I'll leave him but them one part of me feels like a slut tht if I know I won't marry him why do I make out with him.im very very confused as of wht to do?plz help.also very recently like 2 weeks back I told my friends tht him and I are just friends and we never had a bad breakup so if I see him somewhere I'll meet him nicely where the fact is that I talk to him all the time as if he's my boyfriend and we make out secretly but I know I will not end up marrying him.does ths make me a slut?ive never had a boyfriend besides him and I m not the kinda girl to make out with any guy,ths is the by guy I've ever made out with and the fact tht I know I won't marry him and I've told the world and my friends we are just friends where in real we talk on the phone alll the time and make out.i don't know wht to do now????im 29 yrs old and he's 35 .its not like we r teenagers.plz help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): Sounds like you love this man so much and become a bit egoist bc of that. I'd ever experience that before with my ex, my first love. I love him to death, even though I know we can't be together. His family has bad reputation and broken home. But he treat me so good, he understands me, he cares so much to me, and I just sure he loves me. He is not a very good man either if looking from another perspective. He also get bad reputation outside, he involved in free sex and smoke a lot, while I don't know about that! We were in LDR for 4 years. Many people already warned me about him but I don't care about them until he keeps forcing me to have sex with him. I rejected that everytime he asked for because at that time I'm just 17 and I'm still not ready to lose my virginity to him because deep in my heart I know we can't be together. My parents don't like him and so do my friends. They told me that he's not good for me but I'm just so ignorant that time. He breaks our relationship just because I don't want to have sex with him. At the first, I feel so down, depressed and lonely. I feel useless and don't know how to continue my life without him.Luckily in that depressing time, I met my current bf, we chat a lot, sharing my problems with him, and joke a lot. He's really a good guy, and after 6 month we officially have a relationship. My parents like him so much, and we are already 3 years now. At the first we together honestly I still can't forget my ex. I love him and he is my first love. But then during the time I finally can let the feeling go. I can accept that he's only my past now.So my suggestion is please try to make more friends and meet new people, there will be some boys out there that deserve you and you deserve better man. Believe me, time will heal everything. If u think that his family bad reputation can be forgiven and he loves you so much, keep him. But if you think that he doesn't treat you good and you'll regret to be with him forever than just let him go. Try to minimize the contact with him and have more activities with others, you can have more chances to meet new people and probably you can let him go. Hope this useful for you :)
A
female
reader, Honey2012 +, writes (12 July 2012):
Thanks for the answer u guys..but can u guys tell me how to slowly drift hi, away .i can't seem to do it.ive known him since 2008 and now it's 2012'frm 2008 till 2010 we were officially dating but since then till nowjuly2012 our relationship or whatever u want to call it is a secret to the world even my best friends and family.i don't want to tell them cuz I know I won't marry ths man but till I find another man it's hard to leave him cuz he's such a big part of my pvt life,we talk on the phone alll the time,we secretly meetup 2 times a week and make out watch movies eat he cooks for me but I know I don't want to marry him but how do I leave him.i told myself tht it's not like I m seeing anyone else who I'm cheating on by doing this so till I find the right guy I can keep my secret relation with him.Is that wrong?even ths guy knows tht I won't marry him cuz I keep tellin him everyone n the that we r not a good match n he gets offended.but it's not like im pretending tht everything is good between us with him.he knows I'm unhappy with him as a partnerbut as friends we'd be good.it doesn't remain as friends cuz every time we meet it's alone obv cuz we r a secret to the world and then we end up being intimate.as it is we talk on the phone all the time and discuss everything about our life to its hard not being intimate.only2 weeks bak I told my best friend tht were just friends now and If I see him somewhere we talk casually as friends where as the truth is I talk to him all the time and secretly meet him alone at his place.only last weekend I told my best friend tht he's called and wants to make a dinn plan so as we r finds let's all hangout with him there's no awkwardness as we r just Friends.he invited me my best friend and 3-4 of his friends for drinks and BBQ at his place and obv my best friend believed me tht we r just friends, so I pretended I' haven't been to his place ever even thu I go to his place every week.we all hung out in abig group for the first time in 2 yrs.after tht when my friend was leaving I made her drop me home cuz I didn't want her to think him and I still talk. And right after she dropped me home I asked my ex or whatever I should call him to pick me up again..we drove around for 10 min then went to his place,his guests had left by then so we just hung out in his room ordered pizza made out n then he dropped me home in the morning at 5am.i feel sick for lying to my friends and everyone.I don't know what to do.pease help,
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 July 2012):
You guys may not be teenagers but the relationship between the two of you is quite similar in teenagers. The reality is that this is the only man you've ever once trusted and you have put a lot of mind, soul and effort into him. I can understand that it is difficult to move on. This relationship between the two of you will go no where. Until one of you decide to stop communication it will keep going in circles.
I understand how customs are in India, and what your parents will require of you. But you have continued to lie to this man and engage in sexual activities. Maybe he has lied to impress you, but you have lied to your parents and most importantly, yourself. Perhaps it is boredom you face or you do not have a life of your own. Maybe you should do something that will give you more meaning to your life because this current secret life you have with this man seems like a bad addiction. A terrible obsession of lust. Either way you lack the confidence needed to move on. The only one that can give u this confidence is yourself.
If this continues, I promise that it will not end well, and we, on this site, see it happen everyday. Nothing good will come out of a relationship like this. One day a mistake will happen and you will be caught. My best advice: move on and leave the past where it belongs...behind you. He can still be your friend but not this amount of contact.
I wish you luck in this ordeal.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 July 2012):
 Maybe in your culture you are considered one but here you are far from being a slut, but you are a cock teaser. You are basically postponing the inevitable break up. You are leading each other on and he is putting up with the limitations of the relationship. As a guy his age he is very tolerant as he makes out with you and won't push for anything further. He is doing this and being patient only because he thought there would be a future with you. Be kind and honest to him so he can be free to be with a girl whose background matches his. By staying with him you can't free up your time, and your mind is always too occupied to let any man in. So you don't have an ideal suitor here, but you are not giving yourself time to find one either.
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