A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend cheated on me months back and I can't seem to get over it. We were living together and things had started getting really rocky. We were fighting bitterly all day every day. I felt her distance herself from me, and rather than give up and distance myself, as well, I in turn stepped up and tried to make things better. I tried so hard, but it seemed no matter what I did, I couldn't make her care. She then started making trips every weekend to the state she's originally from to "see her family." My gut knew something was very wrong, but when I would confront her, she would deny it. I would ask why I couldn't go with her when she would "go home", and she'd always have an excuse. I noticed when she would tell me she was off work, the five minute drive home suddenly turned into twenty minutes. And when I would walk outside to see if she was in the parking lot of our apartment, she would be sitting in her car, talking on the phone. One time I went out there and snuck up on her to see if I could catch her off guard to find out who she was talking to. She saw me right before I got to the car, though, and hung up the phone almost instantly. It really angered me, and when I asked who she was talking to, she got extremely defensive. How dare I not trust her, and do something like that, etc. Typical cheater.Anyway, afterall all the times she looked me in the eye and blatantly lied to me, and all the times she had the opportunity to tell the truth, I had to find out myself. She left her facebook account open one night on accident and I read messages from someone else about how they couldn't wait to see her and how much they loved her, etc. It made me sick. It was a full out emotional and physical relationship behind my back. I immediately confronted her, and she STILL tried to lie about it. She still tried to tell me that one of her friends must have gotten on her account and was writing someone from there. Of course I knew it was a lie, and knowing she had no other choice, she finally admitted the whole truth. That she'd been seeing someone else for months because she was so unhappy and not getting what she needed emotionally from me. I dumped her and told her never to speak to me again. But she begged and pleaded and basically threw herself at my feet for forgiveness. She told me if I would just forgive her she would do absolutely anything I wanted. (Funny how getting caught makes cheaters suddenly realize they do actually care.) I didn't talk to her for a week, but she finally kept begging and pleading, so I considered. She naturally was on her best behavior after that. I finally decided to give us a second shot since she made me believe she genuinely felt horrible and that she would be a much better girlfriend now, and since she swore she would show me that I can trust her again over time.Well here it is three months later, and I can honestly say she tried to build back trust for all of maybe two weeks. Then started falling backing into her old habits. When I would contront her about it and how I'm still really hurting from all of it, she turns it around on me and claims how hurtful it is for me to bring that up and remind her of what a horrible thing she did. All a bunch of crap. So apparently I'm not even allowed to mention it anymore. I drive myself insane with this lack of trust and wondering what she's doing all the time. She definitely still does things that make me uncomfortable. Please help. I'm a mature adult and have never been in this situation before where I love someone who genuinely treats me so crappy. Just leave her ass and don't look back? Run for the hills?
View related questions:
cheated on me, facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): I have been in your shoes. I was lied to, deceived, heard excuses and was left home waiting after her shift was done. For me, it went on for months. She admitted to me that she had kissed someone at work and she was developing feelings for that "friend" of hers. All I asked of her was to STOP communicating with that "friend" but she refused. She told me she'd stop, but then she kept sneaking contact through secret email accounts and text messages. They kept speaking at work, too. The lies continued and I was able to find out for myself. Eventually I told her she should move out if she wanted to continue talking to her "friend." I was done being lied to and hurt. I was at home being faithful to her and I did not deserve her garbage. My advice to you is to confront her about everything you saw and tell her to her face that you do NOT believe her, and the ONLY way you are both going to move forward is if she is honest with you and stops the lies and sneakiness. If you decide to stay with her, she must cut off ALL contact with her lover on the side and she can't be secretive or dishonest anymore. She should not have any objections to you being free to read her emails, text messages, Facebook messages or anything else. She needs to put everything out in the open and on the table with you and have no private areas. This will help you to trust her if you can see for yourself that there is nothing to worry about. Since she lied to you, you can no longer rely on what she says. You should be allowed to see for yourself. In return, you should not keep throwing in her face all what she did. I think it is smart if you can keep your eyes and ears OPEN. Read texts and emails. Pay attention to her behavior and any changes. Read her cell phone account online. THIS will show you if there has been any further contact made between her and that lover of hers. Even if she deletes their messages, the online cell phone records will show you if any contact was made between them and what date and time. You can't read what their messages were, but it will show if a call or text was sent and when. It is up to you if you want to try this but it takes love between you to even bother. If you don't want to deal with her lies and all this detective work and fear of her doing it again, then leave her. Many people choose to leave and move on after something like this. My wife put me through this, but she eventually cut off all ties with that "friend" and she even quit her job and we have moved on. I have a hard time trusting her and I refuse to take the blame for her cheating. There is no excuse for it, and a person's actions are their own responsibility. My wife has not been so good to me, but I did not cheat on her. I gave her everything, I gave her myself. I never abused her or cheated and I treat her with love and we have a great sex life. She got greedy and felt as if she got married before she was ready. It was her own choice. She said I should have let her go when we were dating, so she could have the freedom to see other people. She acts like she didn't have that choice, when she did. But she couldn't see that it WAS her choice to be committed to me or leave me to see other people. It was her choice. She didn't want a choice. She wanted to have me and also be free to see other people, but I did not want that at all once we became more involved. She said that if I loved her, I should have done that for her. I had said that if she loved ME, then she wouldn't want freedom to see other people. That was simply not a very mature, realistic expectation. I just wanted to be with someone who wanted the same things as me. Compatibility with having a relationship. I wasn't a kid and I wanted real love and a relationship. Once I say "I love you" I can't go back to having an open relationship, and I don't want to be forced into one for any reason. Some people cheat even if the love and the sex is great at home, but everyone assumes that those things are bad at home if a spouse cheats. That is NOT always the case at all! We never had those problems and my wife still cheated and didn't take enough responsibility for it. If you want to work it out, that is my advice and my experience. But she has to do her part too, or it won't work.
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (5 April 2011):
 The best thing you can do is move on and leave her. You don't trust her and you can't built a relationship like this. You have all the right to be upset and I'm sorry but your girlfriend should expect your behavior and be humble about it and show true remorse.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 April 2011):
 Cheating is a deal breaker in most relationships. If you can rebuild your relationship after all the mess, then its a different thing. But obviously you cant, and if I were in your place, I couldn't have done it too.
If she does things that make you uncomfortable even now, just opt out of the relationship. Maybe now that the trust has gone,anything that she does will cause you to question her motives. Its agonizing living like this. Sometimes its better to end a relationship thats dead than drag it on just for the sake of it. She had her chance, she messed up big time. There's nothing more to say. Move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 April 2011):
 my husband of 6 years just moved out. I did not stop him. Why? because of the fact that i can never trust him due to prior lies. If trust is gone, it's gone... I do not believe that trust can be rebuilt. At least not if it's been betrayed more than once.
...............................
A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (5 April 2011):
You need to leave this girl OP.I know ho hard it is, but in the circumstances it is really the best thing you can do. You don't deserve this, it isn't your fault, and your are clearly unhappy. She isn't going to change. You need to make the move and end things. If you don't trust this girl- with good reason- then you can't build a proper relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): I think you know the answer as your two rhetorical questions at the end state.
You know what you have to do, you've done it before, just cut her completely out of your life this time and don't give in to that pathetic pleading bullshit. You know what she's about now man, you know she's not going to change and you know it's time to move on.
The answer is simple, the execution is not as easy but you have no other option. Good luck man.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): Do the decent thing and end this relationship. Both of you are unhappy. Some relationships work and others dont. This falls into the latter. I know you love her but sometimes this is not enough.
Take care, and be brave.
...............................
A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (5 April 2011):
 Holy wack job! NONONO "Funny getting caught makes cheaters suddenly realize they do actually care..."
No they just don't want to feel your pain, or there's or the others or the dogs.
They only regret actually getting caught.
If you stay you will have to accept that she will cheat on you. KNOW THAT !
If you can't take that, yes you'll have to make the choice to leave the RS.
She may be a sex addict, which is not about sex.
If you offer to go to counselling with both of you and she accepts, cool. Lots to heal from and learn from.
Take care
...............................
A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (5 April 2011):
Can't really add anything different to CaringGuy. My thoughts are the same as his.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 April 2011):
Dump her. She had her chance, and has failed miserably. She is worthless to you and the rest of your life. She will always be a failure, a cheat and a liar.
...............................
A
female
reader, Yetilicious +, writes (5 April 2011):
 Definitely LEAVE HER ASS!! Staying with this girl is only lead to more pain for yourself.
First of all, if she loved you, how could she cheat on you? I love a guy, and I have to say, even while going through shitty times....I never ONCE thought about cheating on him. I couldn't imagine that.
This wasn't a one night stand, she had a relationship behind your back and lied to you for months. She'd probably still be lying if you hadn't caught her. I don't know about you, but if I was in your situation and the same thing had happened to me, I just wouldn't be able to trust them again. And if you can't trust the person your with, how are you ever supposed to have a happy relationship?
You deserve a girl who is going to love you so much that she can't even think about another guy, let alone have a secret relationship with them behind your back for months. I know it will be hard but you have to break up. It will suck for a while, but things will get easier, and you will eventually find the girl of your dreams who youre meant for and who has been waiting for you her entire life. Sounds cheesy, but I believe in fate 100%.
...............................
|
